Sole Parenting

If you are new to being a sole parent - male or female, dont stress and dont feel as though you cant do it by yourself...Believe me, you can do it and yes it will be hard, you will struggle at times but you have no choice.
The end result is a better life for your children.
I should know, I have been a sole parent for the last 18 years and I wouldnt swap it for anything in the world.
I dont know what situation you have been in to become a sole parent. There could be a number of factors - abuse, alcoholism, drugs or maybe even losing your partner to the devastating outcome of illness or accident.
My circumstances arose out of my partner of four years turning to a life of drugs after my first Son was only six months old.
Notice I chose the term MY Son-as far as I am concerned he lost the other half of his parental rights when he chose to become a junkie rather than be a father to this precious little baby boy.
I knew I wasnt going to let my son grow up in a drug related environment. Lets face it for the 9 months of my pregnancy I had given up smoking, changed my lifestyle completely, even avoiding household products containg certain chemicals. All for the health and safety of my baby. I wouldnt even let the hospital give me any sort of pain killer let alone the gas during childbirth - mind you it was only 3 and a half hours of labour - it was bearable... When my Son was 6 months old my partner left us-he was more into partying and having fun with his new found obsession, although after 6 months it became his need..I, on the other hand was determined to not give up on my child - no matter how much I was hurting when he left us. Through the lies, the tears, and the broken promises, I knew my Son was better off without him. I was struggling to be a good Mum and trying to keep the house in order. Mind you we lived in the bush with no power whatsoever and I had to chop firewood to get hot water and keep the house warm in winter for my child. My partner and I had lived in this idyllic place for 4 years-lovely flowing creek running alongside the house, kangaroos and koalas just out the front door. Snakes and spiders were also part of the parcel but none of them ventured inside the house. One Winter before the cold had started to settle in I couldnt take it anymore, I was finding it hard to do everything, I was exhausted. I then rang the Housing Commission and told them of my circumstances-to my horror there was nothing available for the next 4 years. I started to cry thinking this was it, I wouldnt be able to cope, I wouldnt be able to keep my Son warm, I felt like I had deprived my child of a safe haven. I had another option, I rang the local member of parliament and explained once again my situation. After hanging up the phone with a dull ache in my heart (I had failed my Son once again)-the phone rang no sooner than I had hung it up. We had no power but we did have the luxury of having a phone. My heart beat faster as I was told I could move into a Commission House in 3 days time, they just had to put the new carpet and lino down for us. I was the most grateful person you could have imagined..I hadnt let my little baby down. I was going to keep him safe and warm like I promised him when he was in my belly. We moved in and this 2 bedroom house was luxurious compared to what we had come from. I didnt have to chop wood, I just had to push a button and we were warm, I could switch on a light switch instead of lighting a candle and I could do a load of washing instead of handwashing. This was heaven...The only thing was it seemed so noisy, our former place was so quiet and peaceful being down in a gully surrounded by 85 hectares of bush-all we heard was animals. Now we heard the cars along the street...I'll get used to it.
It wasnt long before my partner tracked us down and wanted to get back together. I took him back for my Sons sake (he loved his Dad) even though he was so little his eyes used to light up when he looked at him. Again, that was short-lived like about 1 and a half weeks later, but in that short time I fell pregnant again..My God,what have I done-now I am going to be alone with two kids..(the poor souls).During my pregnancy my partner flitted in and out of our lives-each time I let him back for my Son, this time it will be forever I used to think. But again, he did what he was good at-ran my bills up and ran out..This time I was mad, I was so angry for him hurting my son emotionally, my Son was devastated everytime he went away. I used to lie and say Daddy was working away as the pain in my Sons eyes was excruciating-it was unbearable. It had been a long time and I knew my partner wasnt coming back. I was getting stronger each and every day, I was getting stronger for my Son and I was almost ready to give birth. I was on a mission..to be the best Mum to 2 kids. I knew I could do it and I was going to no matter what. So then, when I only had one week to go my ex-partner had come back again. The tears again, the I love you both (all lies)it was like a recording in my ears, but my Son was so happy, he was like a rainbow. Then, I asked my partner to get me a new pair of shoes for my Son. I never saw him again. I had the second baby on the 21st June, 1991 - the father was nowhere to be seen but the ambulance guys were through the quick birth and another Son Shayne Mark was born after 1 hr and 5 minutes. I now had two precious little boys and they were my life. Two weeks after Shayne was born I was moving house again, this time to a 3 bedroom house-we were moving up slowly. Things were looking up and I of course was busy with two young boys. Usually the day before my next pension day (which happened to be every fortnight) the cupboards were bare and I would have to go to the Salvation Army for food. They were a lovely bunch of people and they really help alot of less fortunate people out. They all have hearts of gold -each and every one of them. I asked them to feed my babies, not me. They looked at me with deep concern and said I had to eat as well as my Sons needed their Mother - they were right. I was all that my Sons had left (apart from my wonderful parents and brother and sister-in-law, also the rest of my big family). Although I was never one to ask for help, I figured I had to provide for my children as they were my responsibility. The days got better and better - I loved being a full-time Mother. Then when my little Shayne was 5 months old, on the 18th November, 1991 I went into his room to wake him up. This was to be the WORST day of my whole entire life....Sometime during the night, the angels came and took my little precious bundle of joy - when I found him lifeless laying in his cot (he did look peaceful, he had died in his sleep), I screamed the most horrifying scream I even scared Shannon who was in the loungeroom - this was a nightmare I will never forget till the day I die. I had lost my precious Shayne Mark to cot-death, he was 5 months and 1 week. My first Son Shannon, now two and a half years old had lost his little baby brother that he had adored so much. My God what had we done to deserve this....Life seemed like hell that day and the following months, apart from the fact that I still had another beautiful boy that I had to take care of. I only came through all of this because of Shannon - he was my ROCK throughout this terrible ordeal. My Mum & Dad also took it so hard as did my brother and sister. But all in all I had to keep myself together for Shannon. We were there for each other as we had always been - Mother and Son. The father had not seen his second Son Shayne until the day that I picked the Urn up from the crematorium. Shayne Marks' ashes sit in the wall unit (a Shrine I have dedicated to my darling little Son) and will be with us always. Yes, some would call me an idiot - I took my ex-partner back again after the funeral - I was vulnerable, I was lost, I had lost a big part of me that I could never ever replace. Shannon had lost his brother now his Father was back. What could I do, what was I supposed to do, I didnt know what I was doing now when I really think about it, but you guessed it, that same old scenario, as soon as he spent my money and ran my bills up he took off again. This time Shannon told his father to go away, my Son had had enough of being hurt, he had had enough of his Mum being hurt. My God, he was only two and a half years old and he was like a little man already. To cut a long sad story short, my partner came back a long while after....I fell pregnant again to him. I figured it was better to have children to the same bloke then different ones....I owed it to Shannon, he needed another brother or sister. I ended up miscarrying at 11 weeks, then two months later we got together again for 1 week....I dont have to tell you what happened, you know the story..once a junkie always a junkie..BUT in the end I ended up winning, big time. My Son Shannon is now 18 years old and a fine young decent man, hard-working, honest and a pleasure to call my own. My Beautiful Daughter Cheyenne is a gorgeous 13 year old treasure and another pleasure to call my own. I have been blessed with two wonderful children. We had it hard, we went without alot of things and we had heart-ache, but we all LOVE each other so very very much. I wouldnt swap being a Sole Parent for anything in the world...then again, maybe to have Shayne Mark here with us, so we would now be a family of four. Shayne would have been 16 years old this year on the 21st June. I still remember that fateful morning like it was yesterday - so does Shannon. We talk about Shayne to Cheyenne all the time, so she doesnt feel left out.
Yes, being a Sole Parent can be hard work, it can be trying, it can be heart-breaking but all in all its worth every minute.
I love my children more than anything else in the world, make sure you love yours too.
Shannon, Shayne and Cheyenne are pictured above.

* No matter whatever happens always remember you are doing your best at being a sole parent and its not easy.
* Sometimes there seems to be more bills than anything but first and foremost you put food on the table then you pay the bills.
* If at times you are finding it hard as you have no money or food dont be too proud to ask for help. Here in Australia there are so many help centres available. The Salvation Army are fantastic. There is also St.Vincent De Paul both of these provide food vouchers, clothes, blankets and any furnishings you require for your house. Believe me they are there to help you no matter what.
* I use to have to shop for our clothing at the op-shops and they were wonderful. My kids used to love going there so much. The ladies always wanted to give them a toy of some sort as we were leaving. I would offer to pay them but they refused.
* When it came to my childrens birthdays I use to make their cakes, I couldnt afford to spend $40-$50 on a cake I could probably make myself. Anything from caterpillars,unicorn heads,dog head cake,a cat cake,soccer grounds,wrestling rings (that was fun). I remember I made this beautiful castle (two tier) and I used about a six square block of chocolate for the drawbridge with two fads (pretend smoke candy lollies)on both sides as the chain. Blue Jelly was the moat around the castle and upside down ice-cream cones were for the tops of the steeples. My children absolutely loved it. I used to stay up till all hours the night before-getting the cake finished, then I would put all the streamers and balloons up in the kitchen. Its amazing what you can make when you havent any money.
* When I would go shopping (once a week) my Son and I would buy two bread rolls from the bakery and ask them to butter it for us, we would buy 1 slice of ham and 1 of chicken loaf from the deli and we would share a drink. It was a lovely cheap lunch. I couldnt afford to buy anything from the fast-food outlets but he was wrapt with what we had.
* Before I went shopping I would make a list of exactly what we needed (not what we would like to have-like luxuries)and I never had to put anything back as I would know the exact price of everything -I would sometimes put the price as a little more just incase something went up in the week.
* I would always have a Budget book of all my bills, when electricity, gas and phone were due. I made sure I paid for everything in full. Often my purse was empty at the end of pension day but rent (at the time) was paid first, bills and food. You know still to this day I have a Budget book and I still swear by it. One of my friends would laugh everytime I bought it out to work out my money.
* If we wanted to do anything special I would take my kids for a walk down to the local lake and we would feed the ducks with stale bread.
* We didnt buy McDonalds or Kentucky, I cooked every night. We even had a rabbit and a dog and yet I managed to buy food back then at a budget of $30 per week for all of us - animals included.
* Sometimes the school would have donut days where it would cost around $5 for a drink and donut. Often I never had the money for this so I bought donuts from the supermarket (was cheaper) and I would pack a drink in Shannons lunchbox so he didnt feel left out.
* Once in a blue moon I would take the kids to the cinema (when they got a bit older). I couldnt afford to buy them any of the munchies there so we would stop off at the local supermarket and buy lollies and drinks and we would come home sort them out into plastic bags and we were done. The kids were just so wrapt to be at the cinema. I miss those days.
* Summertime I always made sure we had a swimming pool in the backyard, every year. Mind you the smaller ones dont last long (especially if the cat decides to jump up and try to get a bird).Next morning the pool would be deflated but I'd find the tiniest pinhole from the cats claw then patched it up and up it went again (boy, did I do that alot of times) the thought of getting rid of the cat did cross my mind but I couldnt do it - I kept patching the pool. I have bought so many pools over the years its not funny, but the delight on my childrens faces was all worth it. Just make sure you are outside all the time. If I went inside to get them a drink it was a rule that they had to get out of the pool until I came outside again, otherwise I told them I would pull the pool down...terrible as it sounds...it was alot SAFER.
* Your childrens education is very important also, dont let them miss school unless they are really really sick.Their education is going to play a big role in their lives, if they miss school especially
in high school they will end up down the wrong
road.
* You have to teach your children about certain
values and teach them right way about life. They will love you for your wanting to help them, no matter what it is for.
* Help them with their school work if they need it, dont focus on yourself, give yourself to your children. You have time for yourself later, the kids are most important.
* Alot of sole parents want to get involved in another relationship straight away as they are lonely. Remember if someone new comes into the family structure, the kids can go haywire, from their temperament to their schooling. You dont need anyone else just yet, what you do need is to focus on the kids and help them to adjust to now being a sole parent family and focus on how to live life as a sole parent. Relationships can come later when you have everything sorted out.
* With that said make sure you do set aside some time for yourself as you are only human after all. * Get yourself involved with either part-time work (depending on if you have little ones that is...I dont believe in child-care or babysitters when the kids are small). Kids need you most when they are young, you need to be there for their first steps, their first words,etc. Thats the joy of being a parent. It would be so sad if your babysitter had told you your child took his/her first steps from the couch to the chair, or they said Mum for the first time.
* You could possibly find other single parents around your area as well. You would have someone to talk to about your situation who would understand about what you are going through.
* Find a hobby, maybe you can look for hobbies on the computer (if you have one). Write poems about your life, your kids, anything. Or if you are like me, change the rooms around in the house - it does make a difference and by that I dont mean you have to go out and buy heaps of stuff. Utilise what you have, put ornaments in different areas, add nice scarves or sarongs to the ornate tables in place of little tablecloths. I have wind chimes hanging all around my house - tall people have to duck when they visit. These are so easy to make as well. You can even get the kids to help you. When we used to go to the beach (another once in a blue moon scenario) we would collect the most prettiest seashells and use them in mobiles or to glue on boring pot plant holders. You could even buy some cheap paint and get the kids to paint the dog kennel a different color - you might have to supervise though as FIDO mightn't like the idea of turning bright Pink or Purple. We also made our dog Cookie some nice curtains for the front of his kennel from my very old drapes and this protects him from if it is windy, I just close them of a night time and make sure I open them during the day.
* Set aside some time for you and your kids to go out with your friends, maybe shopping or on a picnic, the beach or even the park.
* You will find your independence is getting stronger by the day, and you dont need to have a
partner to accompany you everywhere you go. You will enjoy your own company where you can do whatever you want and whenever you want, at your own pace and most of all at your own leisure. There seems to be a certain peace and harmony within your sole parent family unit because of this...
* I am not by any means suggesting that you
become a recluse and avoid social contact-far
from it, but dont get in too deep too fast or you are right back where you started from..
* Whatever you choose to do is up to you as an
individual, just remember you do have certain
priorities that come first and those are
your childrens welfare.
* Alot of times I find that if you dont have a bit of a tight rein on the kids as they get older (although this was not in my case-thank god)the friends or so called company your children end up with can sometimes be the culprit to difficult times
ahead...Just be wary of who your children/teenagers are hanging around with, in most cases you often hear of their friends leading your kids astray.
* Usually this has to do with the parents of those children not caring where their children are or what they are up to...This is often a recipe for disaster. Again, I might add this has never been the case with my children but I have noticed it alot with other children who have the rule of the roost.
* The rule of good parenting - is wanting to know where you children are and what they are up to...No, you are not being nosey or butting in - you are being a caring parent.

**The world needs alot more caring parents that
will lead to more good kids which in turn will
bring us good teenagers which furthermore gives
us responsible adults for the future**

***Just for the record I have also been buying my house for the last 8 years now (alot cheaper than renting) and I also have a casual job. I have been working for the last 17 months for 3 nights a week. I work from midnight to 7.30am in the morning, this is still hard to get used to. But I am in the workforce and this makes such a difference to my self-esteem. I knew I was a great Mother and I did a great job of bringing up two well mannered children but I needed to know if there was more to me - and guess what - there is, I am human***