Speaking & Listening

To achieve a break-through in your ability to speak and listen more effectively, more powerfully with greater personal and professional ease, satisfaction and results... DO NOT try harder. Please, read this:

I'm sitting is a quiet room at the Millcroft Inn, a peaceful little place hidden back among the pine trees about an hour out of Toronto. It's just past noon, late July, and I'm listening to the desperate sounds of a life-or-death struggle going on just a few feet away.

There's a small fly burning out the last of its short life's energies in a futile atempt to fly through the glass of the windowpane. The winning wings tell the poignant story of the fly's strategy: try harder.

But it's not working.

The frenzied effort offers no hope for survival. Ironically, the struggle is part of the trap. It is impossible for the fly to try hard enough to succeed at breaking through the glass. Nevertheless, this little insect has staked its life on reaching its goal through raw effort and determination.

This fly is doomed. It will die there on the windowsill.

Across the room, ten steps away, the door is open. Ten seconds of flying time and this small creature could reach the outside world it seeks. With only a fraction of the effort now being wasted, it could be free of this self-imposed trap. The breakthrough possibility is there. It would be so easy.

Why doesn't the fly try another approach, something dramatically different? How did it get so locked in on the idea that this particular route and determined effort, offer the most promise for success? What logic is there in continuing until death, to seek a breakthrough with 'more of the same?'

No doubt this approach makes sense to the fly. Regrettably, it's an idea that will kill.

'Trying harder' isn't necessarily the solution to achieving more. It may not offer any real promise for getting what you want out of life. Sometimes, in fact, it's a big part of the problem.

If you stake your hopes for a breakthrough on trying harder than ever, you may kill your chances for success.

-Price Pritchett, Ph.D. you²

The Speaking and Listening I'm writing about here has nothing to do with trying harder...and man (and woman) it IS hard work. But...

...to Speak and Listen and have people feel special, happy, excited, and truly connected with you: excited by their appreciation of you (and of themselves!).

...to Speak and Listen without negative judging.

...to Speak and Listen in a way that has people 'Fall in-like with you' in just minutes AND want more of you...and more of what you're offering, too.

   To Speak and Listen in a way...

...that moves people to take heart-felt, enthusiastic committed action.

...that validates, not violates.

...that awakens your own and the other's postive energy, creativity, and personal power.

...that has the other person be truly heard (even healed).

You can learn to Speak and Listen in a manner that opens up possibilities...calls forth intuition and imagination...and gets quickly and deeply to the "heart-of-the-Matter" no matter what's the matter.

    The Secret to Speaking is "Asking the Right Questions."
    The Secret to Listening is truly hearing both the "Words and the Music."

We all know what it's like to get that phone call in the middle of the night. This night was no different.

Jerking up to the ringing summons, I focused on the red, illuminated numbers of my clock. Midnight. Panicky thoughts filled my sleep-dazed mind as I grabbed the receiver.

"Hello?" My heart pounded, I gripped the phone tighter and eyed my husband, who was now turning to face my side of the bed.

"Mama?" The voice answered. I could hardly hear the whisper over the static. But my thoughts immediately went to my daughter.

When the desperate sound of a young crying voice became clear on the line, I grabbed for my husband and squeezed his wrist.

"Mama, I know it's late. But don't... don't say anything until I finish. And before you ask, yes I've been drinking. I nearly ran off the road a few miles back and..."

I drew in a sharp, shallow breath, released my husband and pressed my hand against my forehead. Sleep still fogged my mind, and I attempted to fight back the panic. Something wasn't right.

"... And I got so scared. All I could think of was how it would hurt you if a policeman came to your door and said I'd been killed. I want... to come home. I know running away was wrong. I know you've been worried sick. I should have called you days ago but I was afraid... afraid...."

Sobs of deep-felt emotion flowed from the receiver and poured into my heart. Immediately I pictured my daughter's face in my mind, and my fogged senses seemed to clear, "I think..."

"No! Please let me finish! Please!" She pleaded, not so much in anger, but in desperation. I paused and tried to think what to say. Before I could go on, she continued. "I'm pregnant, Mama. I know I shouldn't be drinking now... especially now, but I'm scared, Mama. So scared!"

The voice broke again, and I bit into my lip, feeling my own eyes fill with moisture. I looked up at my husband, who sat silently mouthing, "Who is it?"

I shook my head and when I didn't answer, he jumped up and left the room, returning seconds later with a portable phone held to his ear. She must have heard the click in the line because she asked, "Are you still there? Please don't hang up on me! I need you. I feel so alone."

I clutched the phone and stared at my husband, seeking guidance. "I'm here, I wouldn't hang up," I said.

"I should have told you, Mama. I know I should have told you. But, when we talk, you just keep telling me what I should do. You read all those pamphlets on how to talk about sex and all, but all you do is talk. You don't listen to me. You never let me tell you how I feel. It is as if my feelings aren't important. Because you're my mother you think you have all the answers."

     "But sometimes I don't need answers.
     I just want someone to listen."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at the how-to-talk-to-your-kids pamphlets scattered on my nightstand. "I'm listening," I whispered.

"You know, back there on the road after I got the car under control, I started thinking about the baby and taking care of it. Then I saw this phone booth and it was as if I could hear you preaching to me about how people shouldn't drink and drive. So I called a taxi. I want to come home."

"That's good honey," I said, relief filling my chest. My husband came closer, sat down beside me and laced his fingers through mine.

"But you know, I think I can drive now."

"No!" I snapped. My muscles stiffened and I tightened the clasp on my husband's hand. "Please, wait for the taxi. Don't hang up on me until the taxi gets there."

"I just want to come home, Mama."

"I know. But do this for your mama. Wait for the taxi, please."

I listened to the silence in fear. When I didn't hear her answer, I bit into my lip and closed my eyes. Somehow I had to stop her from driving. "There's the taxi now." Only when I heard someone in the background asking about a Yellow Cab did I feel my tension easing.

"I'm coming home, Mama." There was a click, and the phone went silent. Moving from the bed, tears forming in my eyes, I walked out into the hall and went to stand in my 16 year old daughter's room. My husband came from behind, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "We have to learn to listen," I said to him.

He studied me for a second, and then asked, "Do you think she'll ever know she dialed the wrong number?"

I looked at our sleeping daughter, then back at him. "Maybe it wasn't such a wrong number."

"Mom, Dad, what are you doing?" The muffled voice came from under the covers. I walked over to my daughter, who now sat up staring into the darkness. "We're practicing," I answered. "Practicing what?" she mumbled and laid back on the mattress, but her eyes already closed in slumber.

"Listening," I whispered and brushed a hand over her cheek....

"What's wrong?" drains energy. "What's right?" builds energy. Think for a moment... which kind of question is most likely to create a "space" for the people you're speaking with to be open, interested, even excited about you and what you have to offer?

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, literally wrote the book on "kindness": Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives. "It is," the Rabbi says, "an act of kindness to ask the type of questions that give people pleasure and increase their level of happiness." Armed with a quiver of those kinds of "happiness producing" arrows, you'll be more likely to hit the goal in the heart of the matter.

So, here are some questions from the book that you can use as tools to help people access that positive energy-building state that has them be happy about you, and about themselves, too:

• What gives you the most happiness in your life?
  
• What were your greatest moments?
  
• What are your favorite childhood memories?
  
• What are some of the nicest things that people have said to you?
  
• What was your best vacation?
  
• What makes you smile?
  
• What makes you laugh?
  
• Who makes you feel good just by being in that person's presence?
  
• What do you enjoy reading?
  
• What songs put you in positive states?
  
• What is your favorite possession?
  
• What is your favorite day of the year?
  
• When have you unexpectedly had a better time than you thought you would?
  
• When have you been pleasantly surprised by the way something you did turned out?
  
• When did you feel you would succeed and you actually did?
  
• When have you felt joy about seeing someone you hadn't seen in a long time?
  
• What praises and positive feedback have you appreciated?
  
• What is the nicest thing a teacher ever told you?
  
• When did you surprise yourself by being more skillful at something than you thought you could?
  
• How do you look when you smile at yourself in a mirror?
  
• When has someone given you a gift that you greatly appreciated?
  
• What do you consider your wisest decision?
  
• What advice do you have for others to increase their happiness?
  
• What did you do for someone else that you felt great about?
  
• What is the nicest thing a total stranger ever did for you?
  
• What have you been grateful for in the past?
  
• What are you grateful for in the present?
  
• When have you felt joyous for no special reason?
  
• What healthy activities give you a natural high?
  
• When were you about to give up and someone's encouragement kept you motivated?
  
• (For grandparents): What is a clever thing one of your grandchildren said?
  
• What is your favorite question that anyone ever asked you?
  

So, which question do you like best and what makes that one special for you?

Source: http://PartnersInKindness.org

I wrote this article to explain and expand on "The Five Right Questions", which form the foundation of the speaking side of our Speaking&Listening work. What's most valuable and useful is what learning them can do to change your life and work. I titled the piece, "What's Wrong with the World?"

____________________________

"What's wrong with the world?" is the question itself.

When people and their enterprises are constantly focused on "what's wrong?" the creative energy required to sustain life is draining—like a battery running down and dying—and with it the freedom, growth and joy all human beings aspire to experience and express through authentically living their lives.

     We have created a predominantly "negative world" where gravity
     is not the only force pulling us down.

Wherever we turn and look today, we see examples of the dissatisfaction and deterioration of the quality of life and work.

In this negative world, The Second Law of Thermodynamics (the tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity) rules... the Life Force (energy) of everything and everyone is running down, dissipating, diminishing, dying. The Law of Attraction—Like Attracts Like—brings us even more negativity... more of what's wrong and what is not working. It is a seemingly unstoppable downward spiral.

What is required to change this "state of being" (for the planet and each one of ourselves) is a 180 degree shift of focus within our conscious, rational/analytical minds from "What's wrong...?" to asking "What's right...?": From draining energy to building our individual and collective creative energies....

These "Five Right Questions"—pioneered by the life-long research of Kurt and Patricia Wright (Kurt wrote the book Breaking the Rules: Removing the obstacles to effortless high performance) into what human beings are like when they are at their creative, productive, fulfilled, optimal performing best (what they call "Being on a roll")—are tools we can all use to make that shift.

When understood, internalized and integrated into our daily conversations through practice and repetition, these questions unite the vital partnership of our head-and-heart, resulting in a constantly available and increasing creative

What's the best thing that's happened to you today?
Kurt and Patricia Wright
The crowd is always wrong... and the biggest crowd of all is the group devoted to the question "What's wrong?" (And when you're in that place, your life just doesn't work.) The Wrights have devoted their lives to asking "What's right?" (What's working... what special... what do you appreciate most... what would be ideal?)

It's all a matter (and a question) of energy, Kurt and Patricia say, "What's wrong?" depletes our energy. Asking "What's right?" builds energy&#8212the kind of energy required to perform at our best... the kind of energy it takes to be a leader of leaders.

We are all of two minds: The Rational/Analytical and the Intuitive/Creative. Our conscious mind (R/A) is like a computer chip. It is incapable of discerning fact from fiction... from truly "knowing" anything. It's job is to execute an already established belief (whether correct or erroneous). The truth is known by the intuition—the heart. The "game" is to marry the head and the heart in dynamic, creative partnership.

We need "What's right?" questions asked of us in order to be at our best. For the most part, we aren't going to get them. So, second best is to ask those questions of the people in our daily lives. "What's the best thing that's happened to you today?" reverses the downward negative pull of life and work as most of us know it, building our positive, creative energies for optimum performance and joy.

This classic recording (just about 40 minutes long) is from the MasterMind Calls archive at The Greatest Networker's Library. To listen, click the title link above.

1. What's right...?
This "agenda setting" question (formed by the conscious mind) instantly focus on the positive and productive (away from the negative and deconstructive)... begins to engage the heart (intuition and imagination) and is energy-building (rather than draining)....

2. What makes that right...?
With this second question, you're exploring values—what is most important in every human beings's life. This question transmutes the "data"—the factual answer to the first question—and involves and evolves the conversation by getting to the "essence," thereby turning facts into knowledge and wisdom. Literally, this is alchemy.

This is the child's "Why is the sky blue?" question made user-friendly for an adult population with egos trained to protect and defend themselves. This question strengthens and raises the power of the energy and vibration present and prepares us to move on to the next question, which demands even greater creative energy to explore....

3. What would be ideal...?
Here, we begin to pursue the possibilities.... We have ventured into the domain of "What you don't know that you don't know...." This is the Visionary question, engaging the Intuition and Imagination and Spirit and moving beyond the limits of the rational/analytical mind... and it is directly linked to the power of the Pleasure and Passion of our Purpose....

4. What's not yet quite right....?
This question explores and articulates the exact size and shape of the hole(s) in the Vision that need to be filled to bring the picture (image: as in imagination) of what's possible into being... what's required to complete our Ideal. Built on the growing energy of the first three questions, it transcends the mental-judging of "what's wrong?" and literally gives direction to creation itself. Without this step, we almost always manifest square pegs for our round holes....

5. What will it take...?
The question that leads you... "What will it take to ______________ (filling in the blank with what will fulfill the Vision of the Ideal) for the highest good of myself and all concerned...?" This is the Visionary's request for Inspired Action. With the first four questions authentically, intelligently, sincerely asked, this request is always granted and action is motivated.

As you've learned, the "Right Questions" are one's that build energy... they're positive... curious... exploring.

I know George Carlin once quipped, "The mind is a terrible thing..." It's not, of course, but unless you use your feeling-attention to direct the Rational/Analytical part of your mind, it will behave like a naughty monkey. That's why it's best to give your conscious mind something specific to do. If you're after and up to becoming a more and better listener, the best thing you can do is focus your mind on listening FOR something specific. What I suggest is Listening For Values. Here's some valuable and useful info about how to do that.

Where Do You Live?
This passage (the audio is read by the author) from my second book in The Greatest Networker trilogy, Conversations With the Greatest Networker... demonstrates "Listening For Values". The scene takes place at a Saturday training event where The Greatest Networker engages a young man in his favorite conversation, "Where do you live?" What ensues is a simple and engaging example of Relationshipping and Friendshipping using the skills of asking the right questions, listening by design and the fun-learning and connection that comes from Listening For Values, which anyone can learn to master.

The 7 page downloadable PDF is here >> WhereDoYouLive.pdf

The approximately 11 minute downloadable Mp3 is here >> WhereDoYouLive.Mp3

You'll find when you listen for a person's values, the questions you ask come organically and authentically right out of the conversation itself. You don't have to "think" about them... and, you will be "hearing" the music. Values are "the heart of the matter" (no matter what's the matter), and they do not speak English (or any other language). Feeling-awareness is the province of the intuition and imagination. It speaks in pictures... patterns... sensations... and especially, the "music" of the heart.

Of course, if you've comments or questions... please contact me.

Research shows that just about 85 percent of all we know we learned by listening. Yet the same studies tell us that we are "distracted, preoccupied or forgetful" more than 75 percent of the time, we're only "really" listening less than half the time and at best we remember only 20 percent of what we actually hear. My experience convinces me those "distracted, 'really' listening and remembering" figures are extremely optimistic.

Perhaps it's because the average person listens at a rate of between 150 and 250 words per minute, but we think at 1000, 2000, 3000 words and more! (And here's some really bad news: the smarter you are the more thinking you do and the less you hear!)

Simple physics tells us that no two things can take up the same space at the same time and since "thoughts are things", it's just not possible to be thinking away at a couple of thousand words a minute and hear what another person is saying.

There are at least 11 specific ways or reasons people are not listening. (Perhaps you can come up with number 12 or even 13.) And each and every one of these has to do with the person doing something other than listening.

If you can identify what you are doing instead of really listening to the other person, you can change the outcome of any communication for the better—even for the very best—and perhaps, once you make a habit of "Really Listening", you can change your life and the lives of many others for the better forever.

Want to take the quiz? (It'll take 10 to 15 minutes and you'll get your "score" immediately.) Click away.

The Speaking&Listening Quiz

Please let me know what you like most and learn about you as a listener.

The Empowerment of Listening
This is the initial half-hour introduction to The audio album of the same name (sadly "out of print"), a six-hour recorded conversation between John Fogg (me) and Dr. Carol McCall. It focuses on the unique view of listening that is the foundation of Carol's work and serves as a great introduction to a powerful way of listening few people have yet to be exposed to..
Carol McCall Ph. D.
approximately 30 minute in downloadable MP3

Click on the title link above to stream or download the audio (it will open in another window or tab) and clicking on Carol's name link will take you to her website, The Institute for Global Listening and Communication. Carol McCall is "the" master of listening on the planet today (I say).

I used to offer Speaking&Listening as a four week TeleClass. I'm not now. And that's too bad, because it's such vital, valuable and useful stuff.

I guess I could personally coach people to learn more and better speaking and listening...but that would cost a wrist and and a knee.

So...rather than let it all languish, go here (down there) and suck up all you can. You'll be a more and better person for it, I promise:

(From the webpage you'll be visiting.)

The following articles, audios and reports are provided to inform, involve and inspire you about Speaking and Listening. They will give you insight into our unique approach and also furnish you with an introduction to the men and women who are the mentors of our work, specifically Carol McCall Ph.D., Kurt and Patricia Wright and Richard Brooke. Some of this material is incorporated in the class work and weekly assignments and for participants pre-course review.

Although it may be hard for you to accept at this moment—even seemingly boastful or egotistic on our part—simply reading and listening to the material on this page will significantly increase your speaking and listening skills whether you participate in the class or not.

The articles and audios available here are free of charge and you may distribute them under the Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivatives License, which permits conditional commercial and non-commercial use. To view the details of the copyright license, click the icon or link at the very bottom of this page.

Here ya' be...enjoy.

SpeakingandListening.com/FreeResources

If you've questions... please contact me.

Thanks.
I appreciate you.

John Milton Fogg
GreatestNetworker.com/JMF
2370 Saddle Hollow
Crozet, VA, 22932 USA
+434.823.9303