For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I lost a button hole today.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually.....

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...