Testicle Festivals

• Serves: 4 people
• Prep Time: 1 hour 20 minutes
• Total Time: 1 hour 40 minutes

Ingredients

• 2 pounds bull testicles (or lamb/sheep;calf;or turkey testicles)
• 1 cup flour
• 1/4 cup cornmeal
• 1 cup red wine
• salt
• pepper
• garlic powder to taste
• Louisiana Hot Sauce
• hog lard (or cooking oil)
• tbsp vinegar

Instructions

Using a sharp knife, split the tough skin-like muscle that that is around each "oyster". One trick is to freeze the testicles and then when they are thawing, complete this task. You may want to watch one of the demonstration videos on youtube to see how best to get this done.

Place the testicles in pan of salt water - just enough to cover them. Let this set for an hour or so (to remove some of the blood).

Drain them off and move 'em to a big pot. Add enough water that they can float, along with the vinegar. Parboil. Drain and rinse them off, then set to cool.

Slice each "oyster" into 1/4 inch thick pieces and salt and pepper both sides to taste (but don't taste just yet).

Mix up the flour, cornmeal and garlic powder in a bowl. Dip a slice in milk, and then into the dry mixture. Then quickly dip into wine. Do this quickly so you don't loose the coating that is already on it. If you want a thicker crust, repeat these steps. Do this for each slice.

Immediately place the little suckers into hot cooking oil, and then add the Louisiana Hot Sauce directly onto the oil.

Cook until they're golden brown or tender. Don't overcook them or they'll get tough. I like to set them on a plate with a paper towel under them to absorb some of the unneeded oil for a moment until serving. Yummy!

Photo by RLEVENS

• Serves: 4 Seriously Deranged Individuals
• Prep Time: 20 minutes
• Total Time: 3.5 Hours

Ingredients

• 1 pound of penis of ram or bull (I'm not certain where you would buy this...the butcher may look at you funny if you ask)
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 large chopped onion
• 2 garlic cloves
• peeled and chopped
• 1 teaspoon coriander seeds (crushed)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• freshly ground black pepper

Instructions

Start off by scalding the penis, and then draining and cleaning it. (Try not to do this in front of your window so you can face your neighbors in the morning.) Place the penis in a saucepan of appropriate size, and just cover it with cold water.

Bring it to a boil, and while you're waiting fill a glass with cold water and set it next to the stove.

Go back to your saucepan and remove any scum that has developed. (While doing this, it may occur to you that you are skimming penis scum and you may throw up in your mouth. If this occurs, rinse your mouth with the glass of cold water and continue.)

Simmer the penis for 10 minutes. Drain and slice.

Heat the oil in a large skillet and add the onion, garlic and coriander. Fry until the onion is golden, then add the penis slices (yes, the phrase penis slices makes me giggle, too) and fry on both sides for a few minutes. Stir in the remaining ingredients and gift it a good grinding of pepper. Add enough water to cover, and bring to a boil.

Now, lower the heat, cover, and simmer for about two hours, or until tender. You may beed to add just a little water from time to time to prevent burning.

Plate it up and feast!