Polish Humor

I'm jabbering on the phone with my girlfriend, Candie. We are making plans to cruise Ruston Way. I'm standing by my front door talking on the corded, rotary phone that is attached to the wall. I pull the front door curtain aside to admire my beautiful VW. It takes a moment to realize that she's not there. "Shit! Someone stole my car!"

I slam the phone down and scream through the house in total panic, "Dad! Dad! Daaaadddd!"

Dad comes running into the living room in total panic. "What the hell's wrong?"

I am in tears as I maintain my high decibel level. "So.. soo.. meone stole my Bee- Beetle!"

Dad throws open the front door, stomps outside, and points down the block. "Would that be it?"

I run outside to find my girl across the street and at the end of the block. As I take off running to her my dad screams, "Use HER emergency break next time!"

My husband and I recently arrived to Virginia after a tour in Europe. We have just rented a beautiful A-frame with a huge back deck and an in ground pool. My husband and I haven't gotten along in years so I'm sitting on the back deck trying to find some glimpse of serenity. I'm enjoying the animal sounds that escape from the dark woods. This place will be my home for all of three weeks (whoops, different story). All of the sudden I see a flashlight in the woods. Hell, I might be seeing things so I scourer the woods with my eyes. Wait... there it is, again! I'm officially afraid now. I run into the house and scream at Stephen, "There's somebody in the woods!"

"No there's not."

I point out the big glass doors at the woods. "There is! Got a flashlight!"

Stephen gets up looking as if I have interrupted some type of meditation time and storms out of the door. I follow him to the woods and point whenever I see the flashlight.

Stephen whispers, "What? I don't see anything."

This goes on and on. I point, over and over, but he never sees what I see. We look like idiots combing the woods. Geez, he must be drunk.

Frustrated, I lean in close, scrunch my eyes and whisper, "You can't see 'em?" I move my hand with my eyes as I scan the woods. I whisper, again. "It looks like there's about three of 'em with penlights."

Stephen doubles over laughing and screams, "Shit, Cindy! Those are fireflies!"

I'm newly separated and soon to be happily divorced. I managed to get a kick-ass job in a town that has, well not much. My rented house is tiny but I do own a killer stereo. A Kenwood Sovereign receiver powers my JBL HLS speakers which are everywhere. I don't get off work until late but the "new me" party has already started in my tiny house. See, most of the people I work with are already there. Rock on I say.

I check in at the house when I get off. All is well... almost.

Some dude has managed to find my Germany beer shooter? He also wears my tall, black and white checkered, funky, German fest hat. They both came from the Volksfest that took place in Heidelberg. That totally rubs me the wrong way because I got those with Cat. Besides that, it means he was going through stuff that was off limits. He probably doesn't know that he has pissed me off, though; so, I try to brush it off.

Jackie and I walk a few blocks to his girlfriends so we can walk her back to my place. On our return we hear some loud noise that makes all of us look around. It sounds like they are mining under Main Street. That is so bad because the schools aren't far and there are a lot of businesses.

We reach the top of Church Hill and my house comes into view. That's when we realize that the noise is coming from my house. Holy, it's the speakers, receiver and A.R. sub. My friend Jackie stops dead in his tracks and looks at me, panicked. He is waiting for my reaction. I look at him as if I'm mad but it doesn't work for long. I grin wickedly and nod my head. "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Jackie grins and we high-five each other.

The cops show up later as music pumps through my system. They hand me a copy of the Wise County Noise Ordinance. I flutter my eyelashes, smile big and apologize even bigger. As soon as the ocifers leave I grab the frame that hangs above my front-right JBL and proudly slide in my new award. I place the frame back on the wall and open the Sovereign back up. The crowded room breaks out in cheers.

Note: I still have that award and the cops never came back... that night! HA!