stepmom, mom, remarried family life

I find it very difficult to deal with my husband's ex-wife. I'm very easy to get along with & get along well with my ex-husband & his girlfriend(s). I cooperate with my ex & because of this the kids are doing great & my life is much easier. My hubby's ex does not cooperate & makes life hard for everyone. There's always drama. She just doesn't get that this makes her life more difficult, ours (which of course is what she wants), but it also hurts the kids & they are having some serious problems. They've always had problems since I've known them, but it's getting worse as they're getting older. You know the saying "when they're small, it's small problems; when they're big, it's big problems". I'm starting to understand this saying all too well.

The kids....I won't use names, but one of the twins steals quite frequently. Several people in the house have caught him. I don't trust him & think this is a real problem. He's only 9. He gets in trouble ALL THE TIME in school. He's fresh, doesn't listen, and as of last week we were told he was throwing rocks at cars. Ugh!!! It's hard to deal with since we have so little control over the situation & they're with their mother so much. Bad deal all around. Wish the judge could understand the full story & things could change. Unfortunately, family courts don't look into things as well as they should & it's biased towards the mom anyway. We are collecting evidence, but it may be too late by then.

The oldest daughter, she has rage. She attacked me a few weeks ago to the point I was crying & shaking the rest of the day. The attack was uncalled for. I'm a nice stepmom & don't hit the kids ever even though they're extremely disrespectful & difficult. I see many problems with her on the horizon. My conflict is: is this genetic, or because of her mom having so many problems??? I'm not sure.

The middle daughter is doing ok, but witnessing her Mom's behavior, us being disgusted & sometimes having a hard time not showing it, her sibling's attacks on her etc. I feel for this kid.

The mom to say the least is bitter, hostile & condescending.
She doesn't get along with her family, coaches have emailed or called us, there's always a fight. Fight, fight fight. tHe woman needs help.

I would like to use this blog to help me sort out my feelings on this & vent. It's difficult to be a stepmom & deal with hostile ex & you wouldn't believe how much stress it's caused in our lives. I'm so tired & worn out. It bothers me & people don't understand. they can't or they don't care. It helps to write though. I feel richer for the experience. All experience is useful & this will somehow be useful to me. I just don't see it being good for the kids, but we do our best here & hope for the best.