Top Ten Ways to Screw up a First Date

Dating tip number ten holds some personal significance for me. When I took my wife out for our first date, I mistakenly asked her where she wanted to go. She decided that we could hang out at the mall, and maybe grab a bite to eat at the food court.

Sounds harmless, right?

Well, it should have been a walk in the park, but I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to dating, and that is to stay away from messy foods. You see, I chose to hit the Chinese buffet, and instead of going with the safe choice (rice) I went with the messy choice, (noodles) which eventually led to me looking like a dumbass.

While she talked, I realized my mistake and tried concentrating on eating like a civilized human being. However, I'm not good at multitasking, and about half way through our meal, I slurped and had the noodle swing up and slap me in the chin. I tried to recover, pretending to scratch an itch on my chin, but the damage was done.

By all rights, she should never have agreed to the second date after my terrible dating mishap, but thankfully I was able to pour on what little charm I have and wow her the rest of the night.

I did wow you, right babe? Come on!

Okay, I will try to pull together the shreds of my tattered dignity and move on to dating mistake number nine. Just remember, the noodle slapping may work in the movie, Lady and the Tramp, but it doesn't work in real life. I've tested the theory for you.

Let's forget that I ever mentioned this, okay?

I have to admit that the picture to the right made me laugh. Yes, again I've been guilty of this dating mistake. Again, it was on my first date with my wife. And those pants look almost exactly like the pants I wore that night.

It's truly amazing that she still loves me. However, I don't want anyone else to suffer through this sort of dating mistake, so I've posted the following warning:

WARNING! WARNING! Do not wear wrinkly clothes on your first date. Do not under any circumstances try this on a date. This stunt should only be performed by a trained professional, like Mike Moore.

In all seriousness, if you're going out on a date, you should make sure you wear suitable, clean clothing. Your date wants to feel as if they're worth the extra effort. Besides, it can only help you in the long run. Never, ever wear wrinkly clothing on a first date or any other date for that matter.

Believe me, I test drove this puppy for you and I still get teased about it!

There are a lot of people who make this dating mistake. The whole point of a date is to get to know the other person. Yet many people decide to hit a quiet zone, such as the movie theatre.

Look, I love watching movies, but it's not the best venue for idle chatter. While your date ogles Tom Cruise or Jennifer Anistan, you're missing out on some valuable face time. Not only that, but your spending money to miss out on getting to know your date. You might as well stay home, light a pyre for single people everywhere and burn it. Hell, at least you could get drunk while you waste your money.

If you want to be successful there's only one way to do that, and it's to meet people. Take every opportunity that presents itself and run with it.

You've made it to the end of your first date, and you desperately want to kiss the other person. You sense that the other person wouldn't mind getting a kiss, and so you make your move.

*Cue Mission Impossible music here*

You go for the dessert, and instead of landing a nice, tingly, heart warming kiss, you try to bury your torpedo tongue so far down their throat that you can feel their tonsils. The person unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of your kiss either begins to choke, throw up in their mouth or at the very least, begins to struggle against the flow of wet meat. In any case, you've now made dating mistake number seven, and you're very unlikely to land a second date.

Look, kissing can be a wonderful thing. Pretty much everyone enjoys a well-timed kiss, but why would you ruin what otherwise might have been considered a good date in order to push your sopping wet tongue down their throat? Hell, I've been with my wife for 4 years and I don't force my tongue on her now!

Kissing is an art form. Never, ever go for the tongue torpedo on the first date. Unless you love being single that is.

Let's say you're out on your first date and something goes wrong. Pretend for a minute that the waitress or waiter screws up your order and you're not happy about it. You can:

a) Take it calmly and request they correct the mistake politely

b) Make an ass out of yourself and curse and swear at the employee

Hmmmm...Tough choice, I know.

I would recommend you go with option 'a'. You see, your date is judging you. Every move you make is under intense scrutiny, and if your date thinks you're a psychopath just waiting for your chance to emulate Charles Manson on a bad day, you're unlikely to be successful dating.

That's right, your date is going to eat his or her dinner and run as far and as fast away from you as humanly possible.

Calm, cool and collected, my friend. That's how you succeed. After all, would you want to pursue a long-term relationship with someone you thought capable of grabbing an axe and caving your head in? Bad things happen, it's true. But that doesn't mean you have to freak out and commit dating mistake number six.

Have you ever been on a date where after a while all you heard was, "Blah, bah, blah, bah, blah?"

It's annoying right? If you wanted to hear that sound, you could have turned on a Charlie Brown cartoon and marvelled at the teacher's voice. While dating is about getting to know someone, that doesn't mean you have to know EVERYTHING on the first date.

If you want your first date to be a success, you should have an even mixture of talking and listening. Keep a little air of mystery about you, and you'll probably get a second date. Blabber on and on, and you look like a narcissistic moron. After all, you want your date to be intrigued. The reason why they'll go out with you again is because they want to learn more about you. If your date knows at what age you started walking, how many people you've slept with, what color pyjamas you wear to bed and your blood type, they have no reason to go on a second date.

Besides that, you'll bore them to tears. Believe me, most people think they're the most fascinating person on the planet, but they very rarely are. Sure, everyone is interesting to some degree, but that doesn't mean everyone wants to hear it within two hours.

This dating mistake is one of the fastest ways of ending a date permanently. Never tell your date that you want to have five kids in the next five years because your biological clock is ticking. Your date doesn't want to feel like they're on a new reality show called 'Speed Mating'.

If asked about your plans for the future, stick with the safe stuff, such as your career plans or hobbies or...something.

Don't bring up having children. Your date does not want to start planning marriage and a family tree. He or she may want to start 'planting' that tree, but the planning stage is still in the works.

You might have just recently broken up with what you thought was the love of your life, but believe me when I say that the guy or woman sitting across from you doesn't want to hear about it.

Who does this? I mean, if there's one way to drive someone off, this is it. Your date doesn't want to know how Johnny or Rose was the best in bed, but left you for another man or woman. They don't give a rat's ass about how great a cook Mike or Jane was. They don't want to hear your sob story or hear mini-violins playing in the background while you brush away tears.

Keep your tragic tale to yourself and concentrate on having a good time. Talk about the good stuff happening in your life. Wow your date with your wit, your charm and your good looks. Show them how fun you can be, and you're well on your way to a second date.

Make them feel as though they have to compete with a memory, and the best you can hope for is a one night stand that ends badly. I mean, splatter on the pavement, road kill badly. Although, no one is going to be around to clean up the splatter because you'll have ruined it before you even got started.

If you smell like someone just through a Molotov B.O-tail at you, you're in deep trouble. For the love of all that's holy, take a thorough shower and apply underarm deodorant liberally. No one gets turned on by B.O. It's one of the most nauseating and disgusting smells on the face of our green earth.

Oral and physical hygiene are important. You know, brushing your teeth, taking a bath or shower, deodorant, cleaning your ears to remove yellow gunk and washing your hands are all important steps to take when leading up to a big date. If you look like a Sasquatch and smell like a sewer, you're winning the race. You're on the fast-track to Loserville, I guarantee you.

As an aside, don't wear too much perfume. It's almost as bad as stinky flesh. If you smell as if you took a bath in cologne or perfume, you have applied too much. If in doubt, dab and walk.

Don't make your date wear a gasmask in order to spend some time with you. That's the moral of dating mistake number two.

Yes, we've finally made it to our number one pick. This dating mistake is more common than we realize, and it often leads to disaster.

If you're out on your first date, no matter how much you've had to drink, how long it's been since you had some lovin' or how good looking your date is, you shouldn't sleep with them the first time out. Once the after sex glow wears off, your date will start wondering how many other guys or gals you've slept with on the first date. They'll also wonder why you're as easy as the blow-up doll (or other sex paraphernalia) they have at home, and drop you like a rock.

Sleeping with someone on the first date does nothing really good for your image, even if you did it with the best intentions, especially if you're looking for a long-term relationship. Your date will probably lose respect for you, you may lose respect for yourself and it's an all around faux pas.

I'm not saying that every relationship that commited this dating mistake has failed, but the majority of them end badly. Building up the sexual tension is great for a budding relationship. Besides that, your partner will respect you more for it in the end.