TopGear Australia Should Be Axed

SBS bought the formula to the highly successful BBC-produced TopGear, and they followed the specifications of that formula to the tee - however, they left out two vital elements: the humour, and the dynamic of the hosts.

The BBC hit gold with their TopGear hosts, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May - more about them below. Without them, TG-A is just another ordinary car show - but a very expensive one.

So, who have SBS chosen to replace the most crucial component of the show? Instead of going for an established trio, SBS have cast three unknown and unproven presenters. Since I've never heard of these people, and I can't be bothered to look them up or watch next week's show, I'll have to refer to them as The Tall Blond, The Little Guy, and The Disastrous Moustache.

Let's talk about the Moustache first. Unless it is "Mo-vember" (when men grow a moustache for prostate awareness month), men who have a nose that overlaps their top lip should never, ever, ever grow a moustache. It looks like the hair is growing out of the nostrils.

Little Guy looked like he'd been pulled out of bed after a weekend at a nightclub and given a shot of who-knows-what to hype him back up. And what was with the cameraman's fascination with his groin?

Tall Blond was trying to be Jeremy Clarkson, complete with the dramatic turn to camera for the "They say he..." Stig introduction. It fell flat.

This, despite the comment made by one of them to a Herald Sun reporter: "None of us is Jeremy Clarkson, none of us is James May and none of us is Richard Hammond, and none of us is trying to be." Yeah, right.

The three hosts have no history together - they'd never met before they began shooting, and it shows with their awkwardness in each other's company. This will probably build up over the course of the show, but remember that they have to compete with a dynamic that is already well-established and extremely popular. SBS would've been better off spending some of that wasted money on poaching a proven trio like Sam Newman, James Brayshaw, and Gary Lyon from Channel Nine's AFL Footy Show. At least we might have had a few laughs.

Luck. The right hosts at the right time, together with a quirky, original formula that worked. And plenty of humour.

Jeremy Clarkson (left in photo) knows nothing about how a car works, but he certainly can drive. And crack an understatement in deadpan irony without sounding like a pratt. He's just a little bit obnoxious - just enough to make you want one of the other guys to beat him in the contests - but with such a great sense of comic timing.

Richard Hammond (right in photo), nicknamed "Hamster" by Clarkson, is one of those really nice guys with just the slightest edge of cool about him. We've also seen him recover from the most horrendous accident that put him in a coma with severe brain injury. And who could forget Hammond falling in love with a tiny car called "Oliver" while he drove it close to death across the Horn of Africa? And his wail of O-li-ver! as the car began to sink during an attempted river crossing? Who didn't well up when the Beeb flew Oliver all the way to England for the season finale?

James May (centre) is Captain Slow. Although he seems reserved and mild-mannered, May plays up his geeky side and is a lot less embarrassed by Clarkson's teasing than Hammond (who turns beetroot when his short stature is played up). James May joined the TopGear team in 2003, taking over from Jason Dawe, but it didn't take long for the trio to develop an easy banter, riffing off each other, that was missing with Dawe.

As I said - luck. Take any one of the TopGear hosts out of the picture and the show will feel the injury until his return. Replace all three and the show is doomed.

Image: The UK hosts of BBC TopGear: Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond, publicity image copyright © BBC

Another quirky element that works is the character of The Stig. The Stig is a "tame racing driver" who never speaks, has no identity, and simply test drives fast cars around The TopGear Track. But he has a presence. Half the fun has been trying to discover The Stig's identity, while not really wanting to spoil it by knowing.

The Track is another character in this show. Gambon Corner is the most famous piece of bitumen in the world (well, in the world of cars anyway). The corner got its name from actor Michael Gambon (Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies) who has twice made a spectacular hash of that particular bend during the segment "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car" - the first time with only two wheels of the car touching the road. Long time viewers can tell whether a star's time will be quick or slow depending on how they go through certain sections of the track - and everyone watches Gambon corner with bated breath.

While the Stig has remained the "same" in the Australian version, the track has, of course, been replaced. However, the Stig seems flat - we know he's not the real one. And without Gambon, it's just another time trial on just another ordinary car show.

Image: The Stig, promotional image copyright © BBC

TopGear logo and publicity images are copyright © BBC.

Lens content copyright © Elsa Neal, 2008.