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Here's how you can make your ordinary DSM the king (or queen) of the drag strip. Note that I didn't say "drag queen." Extra weight will slow your car down. I present to you (drum-roll please%u2026)

The Fatkins Diet For DSM Cars.
© 2008, M. Alma Torres, Used with Explicit Permission.

Results not typical blah blah disclaimer crap blah blah blah. If you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or have high blood pressure, don't even read this article. All weights are approximate. Not responsible for any damage done to bathroom scales in the process of verifying my information.

Some (dis)Assembly Required:

Want to get rid of your spare tire? Go ahead. While you're at it, remove any tools or jacks you have. This shaves off about 37 lbs. Removing the spare tire and cover will lower weight by about 20 lbs.

If you're thinking "man, this is tough!" there's an easy step to help you get started. Pick up any and all floor mats in your car. Take said floor mats and place them anywhere outside of the car. Sound simple enough? You just re-located 6 pounds. Can't figure it out? Quickly surrender your drivers license, car keys, and a left nut to the nearest lost and found. $DEITY knows that you're too stupid to use them.

Feeling ambitious? You can also take out the carpet to shave 15 lbs.

Unburdening your car of all seat belts and assemblies will lighten your load by another 50 lbs. If you're brave enough to drag race, you'd better be brave enough to do it without seat belts. Think pleasant thoughts of Dale Earnhardt....oh, never mind. Serious, install a light weight racing 5-point harness or better. HANS optional.

Exchanging your stock car battery for a lightweight Odyssey style will save you approximately 26 lbs.

Know how to lose 70 pounds almost instantly? (Well, besides throwing one of the Olsen Twins out of an airplane%u2026) Remove the front and back bumper covers and their nuts. Heh heh heh, I said "nuts."

Exchanging your stock front seats for a lightweight racing seat will save you approximately 72 pounds. That's another Olsen Twin worth of weight gone. (Not responsible for any disturbing mental images!)

Removing the rear seats will remove 30 pounds. A little bolt removal goes a long way here.

At this point, your car should be so cool that you don't need air conditioning. The A/C unit weighs about 35 lbs.

Removing the charcoal canister shaves off 3 more lbs.

Fat Camp for Cars: The More Challenging Stuff

Cruise control on a drag car is about as useful as the bow tie on a Chippendale. Switching to a non cruise control line will save you 6 lbs.

Who needs to steer when all you're going to do is burn up the quarter mile? Eliminating the power steering system will take some work. Try to get some of the fluid out of the system first, then remove the reservoir and bolts holding the pump, brackets for the lines, etc. Your ability to lose 10 lbs in a short amount of time will make you the envy of vanity dieters everywhere.

Taking out the sound-deadening material all throughout the car will lessen your car's gravitational pull by about 25 lbs. And I thought I didn't pay attention in high school science class.

While you're at it, take out the speakers and the stereo system. You won't be able to hear it over the roar of your car, anyway. Your car *is* roaring, isn't it? At any rate, your baby will be 15 lbs lighter.

So there's about 420 pounds of saved weight%u2026 Conventional wisdom is that for every 100 pounds you remove from your ride, you shave 1/10th of a second off your ¼ mile E.T. That's like removing a small adult male Bengal tiger from your car%u2026 And nobody wants to drive around with a Bengal%u2026 or a Tiger%u2026 slowing down their car.

M. Alma Torres is a freelance writer with varied interests and subject matter. She is also a junior partner in Tuner Junkyard. Currently living in Stow, Ohio with her boyfriend, she enjoys spending time working with TunerJunkyard.com projects, her cat "SpankNuts", and sampling local wines around the United States.