Cannibalism & Valentine's Day Happiness in 21 Steps

21 Steps to Valentine Happiness 

1. Watch Silence of the Lambs
2. Study the scene where Hannibal Lecter escapes
3. Note the distracting impact of hanging disembowelled victim with entrails as decoration
4. Become Hannibal Lecter. Artistically speaking, that is
5. Inform your life's partner that Valentine's Day is dumb, that you don't believe in it, and that you will not be giving a card for it
6. If you are still a couple, wait for your partner to go to bed
7. Cut out 250 hearts of different sizes. Cut them from newspapers, not from people
8. Make some of the Valentines liver-shaped, kidney-shaped and the shapes of some of your favorite organs. Blind love does not distinguish between painted paper organs
9. Think of blood and paint the hearts cadmium red. The newsprint will absorb the paint and they will fade to pink. Use cheap poster paints or acrylics. Paint the hearts roughly - they will appear very painterly
10. Attach the painted valentines to strings vertically, with about ten hearts per string
11. Hang six strings of hearts from the ceiling just outside your better half's bedroom door. Put them in two rows of three
12. Hang nine strings of valentines in the main living area between the bedroom and the coffeepot. Hang them diagonally as if setting a laser beam alarm system. Optionally leave love gates for easy passage
13. Hang four strings of hearts in the bathroom in front of the mirror, and in the way of the toilet and shower
14. Drape the final six strings of hearts over your partner's car
15. Do not buy Valentine card
16. Do not wash paint off hands
17. Go to bed
18. In the morning apologize to your loved one for not getting a card
19. Thank the person you love for the Valentine card they bought you
20. Remove bloodied entrails from your face
21. Wash hands, and resume a normal life