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A "Wergle Flomp" is a nonsensical poem written specifically for submission to vanity poetry contests, such as poetry(dot)com, which accepts just about any poems for their anthologies.
In 2000, David Taub, the wergle flomp creator, wrote a nonsensical poem called "Flubblebop" and submitted it to poetry(dot)com.
Here's the rest of the story...
So, why bother submitting obviously incoherent poems???
To depict, in a very vivid way, how these literary scamsters reel in the public and con them into buying overpriced, assembly-line poetry anthologies.
By submitting a poem that offered absolutely no literary value, Taub set out to expose the antics of poetry(dot)com and its ilk.
Some writers, especially young people, were being duped into believing that publication in vanity books offered a respectable publishing credit.
Years ago, I fell prey to this scam and for good reason: these vanities work very hard at presenting a community-spirit "mask" while covertly ripping people off. They also "groom" their marks by flattering their work, even when it is obviously flawed.
For years, newspapers across the nation perpetuated this myth by publishing poetry(dot)com "press releases" under the mistaken notion that this was a valid poetry contest. (See the next frame for press release text.)
The vanity poetry grist mill earns huge bucks, that is, for companies who specialize in publishing these vanity anthologies.
For fun, the Winning Writers website sponsers a yearly wergle flomp contest.
Taub's great wergle flomp experiment should have dispelled any notion of respectability, but poetry(dot)com continues to gross over $12,000,000 a year on its vanity books.
And now they have branched out into lavish poetry conferences, often hiring major celebrity spokespeople to add a veneer of respectability. Conference attendees pay hundreds of dollars to be awarded bogus certificates and cheesy trophies.
Everyone who reads this should write a wergle flomp and submit to poetry(dot)com. Some semesters, I ask my students to submit their semi-wergle flomps to the online vanity.
I have written my own version, which makes its debut in the module "My Own Wergle Flomp." I dedicate "Squidoo, a love poem" to, who else?
Our esteemed creator.
One thing, though: poetry(dot)com does not accept pornography; the company prides itself on its "family values."
Jennifer Semple Siegel
March 18, 2006
poetry(dot)com "Press Release"
Calling All Suckers!
poetry(dot)com and other vanity press companies spam the media with advertising dressed up as press releases, such as the following:* * * * *
For Immediate Release
Free Poetry Contest
OWINGS MILLS, MD (USA) - The International Library of Poetry has announced that $58,000.00 in prizes will be awarded this year in the International Open Poetry Contest. Poets, particularly beginners, are welcome to try to win their share of over 250 prizes. The deadline for the contest is May 31, 2004. The contest is open to everyone and entry is FREE.
"Any poet, whether previously published or not, can be a winner," stated [the Contest Director]. "When people learn about our free poetry contest, they suddenly realize that their own poetic works of art can win cash prizes, as well as gain national recognition," continued [the contest director].
To enter, send ONE original poem, any subject and any style to: The International Library of Poetry, Owings Mills, MD. The poem should be 20 lines or less, and the poet's name and address should appear on the top of the page. Entries must be postmarked or sent via the Internet by May 31, 2004. You may also enter online at poetry(dot)com.
The International Library of Poetry, founded in 1982, is the largest poetry organization in the world.
* * * * *
Unfortunately, many media outlets fall for this ploy, thus perpetuating the myth that these outfits are community-minded and spirited, when, in fact, they are huge money-making machines that prey on the hopes of the young and naive.
Thus, the wergle flomp was born to "out" these predators.
"Ode to Friendship Plus"
A Semi-Finalist!
'Fess up time.Back in the early 1980's, I (pictured at right) submitted a poem (written in the 1970's) to The National Library of Poetry, one the early incarnations of poetry(dot)com.
Yeah, old enough to know better, but I'm telling you, these people are good.
At that time, their poet laureate was a very elderly woman whose name was, I think, Florence (though I could be mixing up vanity contests). In all the promotional materials for NLP, Florence wore a crown. I don't know why, but a poetry crown sitting on top of that gray head added a patina of respectability.
Besides, I had also responded to a press release in my local newspaper (see previous frame).
I have since learned that real poets don't wear crowns and the other accouterments of royalty.
Run like the wind if you receive contest promotional materials with a poet wearing a crown and a mantle and holding a scepter.
So (flinch here) I sent off the following literary masterpiece:
* * * * *
Ode to Friendship Plus
A slight fick of an eyelash
In the midst of a throng,
Signals a private allusion--
Perhaps a mutual song.
Scant physical touching
Becomes creatively sensual;
(To feel so much with so little)
Words are not essential.
An aura of warmth
Encircles the enigmatic lovers
(With unconsummated honor)
To the exclusion of all-others.
The knowledge of knowing
Their love must not be,
Makes their rare moments together
All the more deep.
* * * * *
I can't believe I wrote something that bad AND submitted it anywhere, even NLP. I have since honed my craft--though I'll never be a Sylvia Plath.
A few weeks later, I received a letter from NLP, notifying me that my poem was a semi-finalist and had been selected for inclusion in their upcoming anthology.
You already know the outcome; I sent in my $29.99, and in a few weeks, I received a package in the mail. Somewhere in my attic is a cheesy-looking book with my poem in it.
My only comfort: I doubt if anyone ever read it.
;=)
"In the Land of Mushrooms"
Fast forward to September 2001
Since 1998, I have been teaching creative writing at the college level. I noticed early on that my students often identified themselves as "published poets."I knew this couldn't be true; I have seen their poems.
Yep. poetry(dot)com.
What's more, they wouldn't believe me when I told them about the great vanity scam. They INSISTED that p.c was an esteemed literary press.
I had to prove to them otherwise.
I asked each student to write three bad lines of poetry, the WORST they have ever written.
I collected their 60 lines of purposely purple and turgid prose.
I took one line from each student and put them together at random, and came up with the following semi-wergle-flomp poem:
* * * * *
In the Land of Mushrooms
by WRT310 Creative Writing, Fall 2001
You and me were meant to be--I love you more
than a flea--Crying on the broken down,
Crumbling brick wall. The moon shines
On the water; My clouds like to eat fire.
At night, I never knew three-eyed fish
Could taste so good. From my window I can
Hear them singing--What makes up a beautiful
Day? This sounds all too familiar to you:
A cat who is fat--dress him in a hat. You
Scream, I scream, we all scream for ice
Cream--it was the worst day. Scarlet poppies
Flow like running rivers across the green;
That smells or looks similar to a rose.
Ah! The cranberry wonder of heaven!
The badger won't outlast the crow.
I look at the dead flower, for the green
Reminds me of you. Life floats like
A floating butterfly floating in the mist.
I have A.D.D....Hey, let's go ride bikes--
Creating poetry is hard enough.
* * * * *
I submitted the poem under my somewhat transparent alias of "Jennilee Lee Siegel"; as of today, March 18, 2006, the poem is still posted there.
Not a purist wergle flomp poem, but close.
poetry(dot)com's response
September 25, 2001
About four weeks after submitting "In the Land of Mushrooms," Jennilee received this breathless communication, notifying her of the good news:* * * * *
After carefully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our International Open Poetry Contest. Your poem will automatically be entered into the final competition held in October 2001. As a semi-finalist, you now have an excellent chance of winning one of 104 cash or gift prizes--including the $1,000.00 Grand Prize. You may even win the $10,000 Annual Grand Prize! We wish you the best of luck as you compete for these prizes in the coming weeks...
And that's not all...
Jennilee...Imagine Your Poem
Featured in a Beautiful Coffee-table Edition!
In celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we also wish to PUBLISH YOUR POEM in what promises to be one of the most highly sought after collections of poetry we have ever published...
UNDER A QUICKSILVER MOON
Under a Quicksilver Moon, scheduled for publication in Winter 2002, will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume--printed on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or highly valued personal gift.
NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER
Before going any further, Jennilee, let me make one thing clear...your poem was selected for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent and artistic vision....
* * * * *
You get the general idea.
I have received the same letter in subsequent years:
2003:
"February 17, 2003: Twenty four Inches and Still Counting," by Jennilee Semple Siegel (Patterns of Life)
2004:
Students submitted their own poems.
2005:
"As is Fit," by Benny Lee Siegel (Eternal Portraits)
"Up and Down," by Jeremy Lee Siegel (Eternal Portraits)
"My Name is Leilia Lee," by Lenny Lee Siegel
(Eternal Portraits)
"Don't Stare into my Soul," Penny Lee Siegel
(Eternal Portraits)
"February 17, 2003" is no longer on the poetry(dot)com website, but the other poems are.
Why are some poems deleted from the site while others stay there forever?
Who knows?
Anyway, that's a load of "unique talent and artistic vision...."
My Own Wergle Flomp!
Squidoo, a love poem
Squidoo, a love poem(Apoolisquids to Linda)
Squidoo, Squidoo, I behoove you
to squiddid, squiddad, tentaclues
Loove, Squidoodler, Skip to my
Squid, Feeddoo the Squid, up
the skiddoo, down the squid
Rowdoodler, boo doodler, squoodooler
Don't be a spooler, a squidder,
Skip to the coolooder, my squidoo,
my squidooloover, Big blue squidoo
eyebooller, red footsy squiddettes,
Woooo! Woooo! Boom, boomer!
Grooool and droool
Skiddoodle, Squidoo, boot do
Not ruin Skipdoodle's doodle!
Squidoodle loove,
Lens Loodidler loove
squid pro squid, my love.
Go forth, Squidoo,
Multiploodle.
Literary Scams Watchdogs!
Don't be ripped off!
- Winning Writers
- Home of the Wergle Flomp Contest. April 1 is the deadline.
- Contests to Avoid
- The Winning Writers site keeps a list of specific contests to avoid and offers some warning signs for others.
- Foetry
- Exposes fraudulent contests, tracks the sycophants, names names. In your face. Keeps a close eye on university literary contests, which have, in recent years, been embroiled in "the fix is in" controversy. Questions the status quo.
- Preditors and Editors
- This extensive site has it all and keeps its pages up-to-date. When in doubt, check here first before signing on the dotted line.
- Writer Beware
- Keeps tabs on literary scams, both past and present. Covers extensive topics to keep writers in the loop about current scams.
- Whispers and Warnings
- This forum has been frozen, but Angela Hoy, owner, updates this list once a week. Also, the archives offer a wealth of information about common scams.
- Wind Publications
- Wind pub's own blurb: "Hidden among the many sponsors of legitimate literary contests advertised on the internet lurk those who care little about literature, its audience, or authors. These organizations and individuals exist solely for profit through their so-called writing or poetry contests." Offers an extensive poetry(dot)com file.
- A Cautionary Tale
- On Author's Den, J.A. Terry tells his tale of literary woe after he lost $10,000 to an unethical publicist who took his money and ran.
- What is a Literary Agent?
- The Fiction Factor website offers a thumb nail sketch of how to weed out the shark agents.
- Writer's Weekly forum
- A good place to ask your writing questions. Writers at all levels post here, and everyone is helpful and supportive.
Future Wergle Flomps?
Okay, so not everyone's a poet.
- A Gift of Poetry
- Individually written poems written for special occasions such as weddings, anniversaries and birthdays.
- Dittygrams
- Offering ditties with choice of paper border, framed and mailed.
- The Occasional Poet
- Wedding and party invitations, announcements, toasts, roasts, tributes, birthday greetings and wedding vows in rhyme.
- Poems 4 U
- Personalized poems to celebrate the birth of a baby, individually written containing the name, date and place of birth, with other relevant information.
- People Poems
- Offers original gift poems about people, special events, pets, and relationships.
- Poems to Go
- Custom created poems for weddings, relationships, holidays, and special events.
- Custom Poetry by eBobb
- Offering poetry or prose. Includes samples.
- RhymeShop.com
- Offers rhymes written to custom specifications. Includes samples.
- Namelets
- Original verses created from each letter of an name, uniquely determined by a special occasion.
- Custom Poetry for Sale
- Creating original and confidential poetry with the buyer owning all rights to the work.
- The Poetry Factory
- Exclusively composed and designed poetic gifts including framed or unframed, t-shirts, and web greetings.
- Bright Creations
- Customizing personal thoughts into poetry, which can become a framed piece of art.
- Rhymes by Design
- Custom written poetry, printed on a duplicate of a personal photo as a background.
- Poeticture
- Poetry and photographs combined. View available photographic images.
- Powerful Poetry
- Customized poetry, framed to the theme.
- Rhymes For All Reasons
- Creating one-of-a-kind custom poems for all occasions.
- Celebrate in Rhyme
- Custom created poems for all occasions including birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, or to honor someone. Includes joke of the week.
- Pop on Poetry
- Personalized poems for all events.
- Karens Poems
- Writes specialty poems based on individual requests, with optional framing and prints of previously written poetry.
- Personalized Rhyming Poetry By Rod
- Rhyming poetry to fit any mood or occasion, with optional framing.
- Touching Words
- Speeches, poetry, and love letters custom written based on the specific people and events involved.
- Lyrics Unlimited
- Custom written songs, poems, toasts, tributes, or speeches for any event or occasion. Includes sample writings and testimonials.
- Soulize
- Custom poems for all occasions. Delivery options include framed, on a scroll held by a teddy bear, and laminated.
- MaLady's Poetry
- Name poems, lullabies, holiday prose, and toasts for any sentiment or occasion.
- Time for Rhyme
- Accepts commissions for custom poetry covering most topics and occasions. Also offers a book of original poems.
- Extraverstanza
- Offers poetry in a variety of verse styles for all occasions, delivered in email format. Includes samples.
- Rhymetime Poetry
- Offering for weddings, birthdays, and special occasions as a card, certificate, or sign.
- Picture Perfect Poetry
- Pre-framed designs or choose a poem, background and frame from available selections.
- Let me Create it
- Options include: e-mailed, created for a website, on a greeting cards, printed, or framed.
- Personal Verses
- Written for any occasion and specializing in wedding vows with samples available.
- Personalized Name Poems
- Offers to supply a poem that spells the first and last name of a loved one. Suitable for grieving, celebration, or honoring.
- Ana's Custom Poetry
- Rhymed and unrhymed examples. Includes personal webpage and links.
- Rhymesforinvites.com
- Rhymes created for party invitations.
- Personalized-Poems.com
- Specializing in humorous teacher retirement poems.
- PoemFactory
- Offered with a vulgar and humurous theme. Includes samples by occasion.
- Reanju
- Customized verse and poems for friends and family with personal messages of love or friendship.
- Anytime You Need a Rhyme
- Poems written for any occasion.
- Say it Write
- Browse through samples of wedding, engagement, graduation and baby shower poetry. Services include optional framing and customization.
- Poetic Creations
- Personalized poetry for special occasions.
- Personal Keepsakes, Inc.
- Themes include wedding, birthdays, love, and friendship. Family names and dates can be included.
- Special Occasion Poetry
- Custom poems and toasts for any occasion.
- The Poetry and Prose Boutique
- Available emailed or mailed. Also read free poetry available for any use.
My Book
Shameless Self Promotion
Are You EVER Going to be Thin? (and other stories)
Amazon Price: $12.44 (as of 12/07/2009) 
Great Stuff on Amazon
Scams in General
Atlanta Nights
The great PublishAmerica Hoax exposed. A bunch of angry science fiction writers got together and set out to write the worst possible book; they submitted their bumbling efforts under the alias of Travis Tea to PA, and it was accepted! Once PA found out about the scheme, they dropped the book. Now offered by lulu.com as a deliciously awful spoof.
Amazon Price: $15.78 (as of 12/07/2009)
Naked Came the Stranger
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How To Upset a Goliath Book Biz: PublishAmerica: The Inside Story of an Underdog with a Bite
PublishAmerica pretends to be a traditional publisher, so perhaps this book could be classified as fiction.
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The Street Smart Writer: Self Defense Against Sharks and Scams in the Writing World
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Phishing Exposed
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Crimes of Persuasion: Schemes, scams, frauds.
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Give Me a Break: How I Exposed Hucksters, Cheats, and Scam Artists and Became the Scourge of the Liberal Media...
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The Complete Idiot's Guide To Frauds, Scams, and Cons
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Witches, Rakes, and Rogues: True Stories of Scam, Scandal, Murder, and Mayhem in Boston, 1630-1775
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Just an old-fashioned scam. (Sports/Media).(stadium proposal): An article from: St. Louis Journalism Review
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Fakes and Forgeries: The True Crime Stories of History's Greatest Deceptions: The Criminals, the Scams, and the Victims
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Don't Get Burned on EBay: How to Avoid Scams and Escape Bad Deals
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Travel Advisory! How to Avoid Thefts, Cons, and Street Scams While Traveling
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Traveler Beware! An Undercover Cop's Guide to Avoiding: Pickpockets, Luggage Theft, and Travel Scams (Travel Safety)
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Scams! (True Stories from the Edge)
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eBay Scams!: Protect Yourself as You Master eBay
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Exam Scams: Best Cheating Stories and Excuses from Around the World
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It's a trap! Watch your step--pharming scams are lurking around every corner.(DIGITAL EDGE): An article from: Entrepreneur
Amazon Price: $5.95 (as of 12/07/2009)
Writer Beware Blog
A.C. Crispin and Victoria Strauss Reveal All!
Writer Beware's own description: "Want to know the innermost secrets of Writer Beware? Of course you do! Come and read about hunting down scam agents, and get information on writing and publishing from authors/scam hunters Victoria Strauss and A.C. Crispin. Got questions on how to avoid scams in the writing world? Ask the experts! Got questions on writing and publishing? Get the straight dope here."
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I WILL Publish Wergle Flomps
A space where my students and other writers can find their voices.
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Do they publish Wergle Flomps?
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by jennifersemplesiegel
Jennifer Semple Siegel's Are You EVER Going to be Thin? (and other stories) was published in 2004.
Her fiction and non-fiction, including scholar...
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