When Relatives Cause Problems

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When you get married, you would swear you were marrying one person. But sometimes it can feel as if you have married 2 or 3 people there are so many people trying to tell you how to handle your marriage. One of the worst things you can do is talk to your family or your in-laws about your private marital problems. First, it gives family members permission to interfere. Second, your relationship with your spouse is a private matter. If you need help solving problems you should see a counselor who can be unbiased.

Family members can be real problems some time. When you are married, you want a private life with your spouse. You don't need people always dropping by unannounced and making it difficult for you and your spouse to have any quality time together. But that is one of the biggest problems married couples experience with family. For example, your mom or your mother-in-law just "drops by" at the worst times even though she had to drive miles to get to your house.

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Family members that meddle in other family member marriages can cause a lot of trouble. Their hearts may be in the right place, but loose tongues and unsolicited advice can cause many marital problems. There is many a husband or wife who has discovered that a family member is actually undermining the marriage by giving poor advice even though the family member thinks they are helping. When the family member leaves, the marital arguments start.

This is a scenario played in households everywhere. Family can cause trouble by visiting for lengthy amounts of time too frequently, constantly insisting you do things their way, and gossiping with the rest of the family. In more serious situations, relatives can cause serious trouble by criticizing a spouse to the family or by taking sides in marital disputes.

The key to preventing family members from being a problem in your marriage is to set boundaries. You can let your mother drop by, but it needs to be on an agreed upon schedule of some sort. How tight that schedule may be is up to you and your spouse. Telling a family member they must limit their unannounced visits can be difficult, especially if it's your mother or mother-in-law, but over time the established rules will save everyone a lot of heartache.

The point to this discussion is that your spouse and you must sit down and discuss what role each family will assume in your marriage. By talking to your spouse you are making it clear you want to work out the issue of family interference and not let either family cause marital rifts.

In some situations, a spouse finds themselves in a marriage where their husband or wife seems to value the family member's advice more or refuses to limit visits. In that case, it might be necessary to meet with a marriage counselor in order to avoid developing resentment and anger. This is true only when it becomes apparent that you cannot tolerate the constant family interference and your spouse won't help you solve the problem. The one thing you should not do is just keep your feelings secret and become a silent sufferer.

Relatives often express their love in the wrong way even though their intentions are pure. Family that visits too often or stays too long may not realize they are causing a problem. It takes some sensitivity to explain the problem without alienating the family. If you and your spouse approach the problem together and present a united front then the family cannot place "blame" on either spouse. Establishing boundaries with relatives is important and it should be done as early in the marriage as possible.

It's important to keep in mind that sometimes family members interfere because they are still seeking their roles in their children's lives after marriage. You can help your family by being honest and forthright up front and by reassuring them that you love them just as much after marriage as you did before. There are many marriages that have been ruined by family interference. You can stop divorce in those situations by stopping the problem of too much family at the wrong time.