The Life of a Youth Pastor's Wife

Growing up, I never thought I would be a pastor's wife. I considered being a photographer, maybe a musician of some sort; I always knew I wanted to be a mom--but never a pastor's wife. I didn't think that I would be very good at it since I don't usually like meeting new people and trying to come up with small talk. I looked up to the women who were my pastor's wife and youth pastor's wife. I didn't think I would ever be like them.

I knew my husband long before he ever knew what he wanted to do with his life. When we started dating, I thought he would be in a band, and we would travel all over the country. I would get to be the drummer's wife or the lead singer's wife. I was okay with that. I could sort of blend into the background, be proud of my famous husband, and raise our babies.

Well, God had a different plan. My husband became the youth pastor at our church.

Thankfully, God prepared me a little before we jumped into the position. I came to terms with the fact and eventually got excited about it. However, I still didn't feel qualified.

I spent the last two years holding back as much as I could because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid that if I thought of myself as a pastor's wife I wouldn't be able to measure up. I don't know if I will ever feel completely up to the task, but at least now I am to the place where I want to try. I just pray, "Lord, help me be the kind of pastor's wife that I need to be whether I feel like it or not. Help me to be excited about the position you have placed us in."

I don't know everything about being a pastor's wife, but I am only twenty-three. I know I will learn.

I recently experienced something that made me wish I wasn't a pastor's wife. I don't want to go into all the gory details of the incident, but the basic idea was that I was seen sitting down during an event by one of the volunteer leaders. I know that doesn't seem like much of a crime, but apparently it was. I was told on to the Student Ministries Pastor, and the anonymous volunteer didn't think it was right that I was sitting down while everyone else was working.

My first reaction was frustration. I had been working hard all day and only sat down for two minutes. How dare someone get so upset about that with all I do for the ministry.

For a couple days, when I thought of the situation, that churning sick feeling started in my stomach. I prayed that God would help me get over it, but it wouldn't go away.

While talking to my husband about it, he told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but I knew it was the truth.

I do so much for the ministry, but a lot of it is behind the scenes. As much as I can, while I am in the spotlight, I need to show people that I can work hard. We expect so much from our volunteers, and they are not payed for it! I should be working harder than them because my husband and I are getting payed for it (no, I don't actually get a paycheck with my name on it, but that's not the point). I need to show my appreciation for our workers by working hard alongside them. Everyone gets tired after awhile, and that is understandable. However, as the youth pastor's wife, I need to be careful that I am not being a burden (or looking like one) to the people gracious enough to give up their time to help us out.

Even though I don't enjoy the thought of people watching my every move, I am reminded that through that I can be a witness of Jesus Christ and His character in me. I pray that I can imitate Christ properly, for those that watch me and for myself.

I am sure a lot of youth pastors and their wives can relate to this. You seem to get paid the least out of everyone, yet you seem to work the hardest. Not only do we have to keep 150 teenagers under control and keep them excited and involved, we also have to do all the gopher odd jobs that need to be done around the church. The hardest part about it is that people rarely acknowledge this fact. But no matter how stressed and burnt out I feel. I can't imagine doing anything other than this.

I remember before my husband and I got married. I thought there was no way I would every want to be a youth pastor's wife. While I was in college, I was realizing how much college life revolves around me, myself, and I. Everyone is always asking what you want to do with your life, what your plans are, focus on you, this is the time for you to have fun. I started getting really tired of ME.

So, I started working with our church's youth group. As hard as it was sometimes to juggle being a youth leader and a college student, I felt like my life had purpose again. I felt like I was making a difference in a life other than my own.

Now that we are youth pastor's, it seems like it's easy to forget about the way I felt. I start focusing on not getting paid enough or feeling overwhelmed with responsibility. I start feeling burnt out and frustrated, and I have to remind myself of why I started working with the teens in the first place. When I start getting frustrated then I start focusing on me again. If I start focusing on me, I lose sight of what is really important--the lives that we get to be involved in.

Yeah, we could get paid better or we could have people patting us on the back all the time, but in the end, what is really important? Having stuff and accolades or knowing that you made a difference in someone's life. Where do you want your treasures?

One of the hardest things that I have found about being a youth pastor's wife is trying to figure out how to do that and be a good mom at the same time. I love my kid so much, and we found out a few weeks ago that another one is on the way! In all the excitement, I have also thought about how much that will affect my involvement in the ministry. There have been times that I haven't been able to be involved with some of the youth activities because of my child. We were planning to go on a in-state mission trip with the Jr Highers this summer, but I will not be going now because I will be over 30 weeks pregnant, plus have a 20 month old. I know that some people understand, but I worry that other people won't. I am the only pastor's wife at our church that will have more than one kid under the age of 10. I want to be able to give the time and attention I need to my children as well as support my husband in his ministry.

I went to a leadership conference last year, and one of the things that the youth pastor's wives told everyone is that there will be seasons in your time of ministry, and you must embrace every season. When they had young kids, that was the season of their life in the ministry where they were not able to be at every event. When their kids had grown, that season of their life changed to being able to be involved with everything again. We can't let people pressure us into a season that we are not supposed to be in. I don't know of anyone who really thinks it's a good idea to put the ministry before your kids.

We have to spend this season training our children and being there for our husbands as much as possible. I won't let my children suffer for the ministry, but I will do my best to be supportive and allow other people to help me, so I can help in the ministry when I can. I pray that I can keep a good balance and that you can too.

I was talking with my mom (who was in youth ministry with my dad years ago) the other day, and she was encouraging me about using my own gifts in the ministry. I know that as a youth pastor's wife, people can expect us to do a lot of things--things that they think we should do. However, just as the lay-people in the church have certain gifts that they should use in the church, even the youth pastor's wife have their own gifts and talents. While I know that there are times that we must operate outside of our gifts for a time just because something needs to get done, I believe as a whole, God has still given us abilities that help us do what He has called us to do. For example, my step-mother-in-law is the worship leader for my father-in-law who is a pastor. She is not called to music ministry and will admit it wholeheartedly. She is having to do it for this time because there is no one who can. But she is great at administrative and relational stuff. As soon as they find someone else to lead worship, she will no longer be in that role because that is not her gift. It would be a disservice to her and to God if she continued in that role even if every person in the church felt like she should be the one leading. We can't let others pressure us into roles that are not what God has called us to do just because we are pastor's wives, and they think that's what we should be doing. Another example is my pastor's wife. A lot of senior pastor's wives are also the head of the woman's ministry at the church. My pastor's wife is not because that is not what her calling is. Her gifts are in music ministry.

Every person has a calling and God has given gifts and abilities to fulfill that calling. I encourage you to use those gifts in your ministry because God will be able to use you to the fullest and at the same time, your life will be less stressful because you will be operating in the gifts God has specifically given you. Youth pastor's wives are apart of the body of Christ. . .

Romans 12:4-8 (New International Version)

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

For anyone who is going into a specific denomination in ministry, you will probably be going through the credentials process. My husband has been taking classes this last year to be certified as an Assemblies of God minister. He took the test, sent in his application, and recently we just completed the interview process. That was fun. . .My husband even wore a suit for it!

For the interview we had to go to the District offices and sit in on a two hour orientation. The orientation was basically someone making sure we knew what money we would have to send in to the District offices monthly (actually, three people did that throughout the orientation), a sermon, and an introduction to some of the District office staff members. After an hour lunch break, we had to go back and get our picture taken then wait to be called on for the interview. My husband isn't nervous. . .I am not the one getting credentials, but I know they will ask me questions, so I am. I don't want to ruin my husband's chances of this going well.

There were thirty-five candidates, and we ended up being the last of six called. As if sitting there for over an hour wasn't nerve-wracking enough.

We went in for the interview and three of the nicest gentlemen were doing the interview. They asked some questions prayed for us and that was it! Now it's the waiting till we find out if he made it!

As we left, I realized how silly it was for me to even get nervous about all of it. They aren't there to interrogate you. They just want to find out who you are and evaluate that to see if you are a good candidate. I'm really good a making a big deal out of nothing.

At the end of January, 2010, we were at church doing our normal Sunday morning routine with the Jr Highers in the youth room. My husband suddenly appears at my side and tells me to follow him out to the area between the stage and the youth area. His face looked less then pleasant, and he came right out and said, "Pastor just resigned." My heart dropped into my stomach.
"For real?"
"Unless this is a crazy sermon illustration...he just said this would be his last sermon here."
Now this is the first place we have ever been on staff at a church, but from what I hear, it's not normal to go in on a Sunday and hear that your boss is resigning with no warning. The board didn't know, the staff didn't know. . .he told his wife that morning.
Walking through the church sanctuary that morning, seeing the people's faces, you would have thought somebody died that morning. Since even the staff and board didn't know, we were in the same boat as everyone else. I was holding my five month old daughter as I walked through the lobby, thinking, "God, what just happened? What now??" I suddenly had a thought. I looked at my daughter as she looked around, completely oblivious to what had just taken place that morning, and I thought "I am just an infant right now." She doesn't know what's going on or what is going to happen next, but she doesn't care because she is being held in her mommy's arms. She trusts me completely to get her to the next point in her life because she doesn't have the knowledge or the ability to do it herself. God showed me that day that I needed to trust him just as a little child. He is my Daddy, and He is holding me, carrying me through to the next point. I am safe in his arms, just as my baby girl is safe in mine.

Every day since then, we have had questions. People have made their speculations, and I have chosen to ignore them. Regardless of why our pastor left, he did. One thing we know for sure is that God didn't. He is why we go to church, He is why we live, and He is the only one who knows exactly what is going on. There is a lot that has changed and will change as time goes on. We will eventually get a new pastor and who knows what that means for us. One thing I know for sure, is that my Daddy is holding me. I can look around with a smile on my face because, even though I don't know what's going on, Somebody else does.

Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

Coming Soon....