Man Walks into a Bar Ultimate Collection
Everyone loves to groan at "Man Walks into a Bar" jokes , find the best ones here
Whenever it was my turn to tell a joke I simply couldn't remember even one of the hundreds I'd heard. When I started to turn my life around and found I could be good at anything I focused on I found that I could remember jokes. The more I exercised my joke muscles the easier it got.
You can't remember jokes because you've attached no importance to it, yet knowing a few (safe) jokes can help break the ice in a social or business situation. It's also because you were never taught jokes at school or punished for not doing your joke homework.
It's just an example of how you are not doing something because you weren't programmed to do it. You need to break out of the mold.
Promise me before you leave this lens that you'll memorise 10 jokes or print off 10 jokes for your wallet or purse. Next time you'll be the life and soul of the party
Photo by badjonni
Whenever it was my turn to tell a joke I simply couldn't remember even one of the hundreds I'd heard. When I started to turn my life around and found I could be good at anything I focused on I found that I could remember jokes. The more I exercised my joke muscles the easier it got.
You can't remember jokes because you've attached no importance to it, yet knowing a few (safe) jokes can help break the ice in a social or business situation. It's also because you were never taught jokes at school or punished for not doing your joke homework.
It's just an example of how you are not doing something because you weren't programmed to do it. You need to break out of the mold.
Promise me before you leave this lens that you'll memorise 10 jokes or print off 10 jokes for your wallet or purse. Next time you'll be the life and soul of the party
Photo by badjonni
10 Best Bar Jokes
Remember or print these
- A Man walks into a bar and says ouch
- A guy walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks. (This took me a while to understand)
- A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?" The fish croaks "water." (You must really croak this)
- A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper and gets arrested for rustling.
- A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave. Barman says "you can't leave that lying (lion) there." Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."
- This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
- A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies"I'm not surprised at those prices.."
- A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...
- A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
- A Bear walks into a bar and asks for "A ................. Beer" The Barman says why the long PAUSE , the Bear shows him his PAWS and says I was born that way!
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More Bar Jokes
Thanks Jonathan, Flaminglacer
- A man walks into a bar, and who should he see in the bar but Van Gogh. He yells over to him, Hey! Van Gogh, do you want a pint?" Van Gogh replies, "No thanks, I've got one 'ear!"
- A White Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "We've got a whisky named after you"
The horse replies "What - a whisky called Eric" - A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a whisky before the fight starts" The Barman gives him a whisky, and the man drinks it... and says "Give me another whisky before the fight starts" He repeats this six times.
Then, the Barman becoming curious asks him "What fight?"
The man replies drunkenly "I've no money!" - A dyslexic man walks into a bra
- A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"
- A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and tells the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replies the man
- A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. Got any ID? asks the bartender. The Texan replies, About what?
- A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, You can come in here, but you better not start anything!
- A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw.
- A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Has my father been in here? The bartender says, I don't know. What does he look like?
- A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, You look nice today. A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, That's a nice shirt. The guy asks the bartender, Who is that? The bartender says, Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!
- A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar
- A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I
can't serve you." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy." - A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
Best Man Walks into a Bar Joke Books
Man Walks into a Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-liners by Stephen Arnott, Mike Haskins
"Man Walks Into A Bar" is a one-stop sho more...0 points
Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners by Stephen Arnott, Mike Haskins
Everyone loves a good joke. Even more so, everyone more...0 points
Man Walks into a Bar 2 by Jonathan Swan
"Man Walks Into A Bar 2" is the second v more...0 points
A Duck Walks Into a Bar
Ducks walking into bars is becoming a national problem!
A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?""No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself.
The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?"
"No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday-we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night.
The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins.
"Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye.
"Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks.
The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails."
"Well, uh...you got any fish?"
How to Remember Jokes
- Remember and practice one joke; make sure you cannot forget this one
- You will find that once you've told the first joke, the others will spring to mind
- Remembering similar jokes will be easier anyway
- The timing will come with practice
- Print off ten jokes or so and keep a copy in your wallet/purse.
Man Walks into a Bar for Techies/Smart Alecs
- A Comic MS Font walks into a bar but the barman says we don't serve your TYPE here
- A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer, the barman says "no charge"
- A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, I'll have a martinus. The bartender asks him. Don't you mean martini? The man tells the bartender, Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.
- An Atom walks into a bar. He looks at the bartender and says, I just lost an electron, The bartender says, Are you sure? The Atom replies, Yeah, I'm positive
- Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
- A Man walks into a rab backwards (my own, invented by me)
Tough/Odd AMWIAB Jokes
- A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink of water. The bartender pulls out a gun, points it at the man, and cocks it. The man says "Thank you" and leaves. What happened?
Even More Bar Jokes!
- A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
- A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
- A pie walks into a bar but the barman says sorry we don't serve food!
- A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
- So a pig walks into a bar and orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
- An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
Please Sign the Bar Guest Book
thesuccess wrote...
in reply to poddys
Thanks Poddys I had great fun developing it! And thanks for creating your group!
Posted March 18, 2009
poddys wrote...
I am pleased to welcome this lens into the "Laugh Away" group on Squidoo. Great job.
Posted March 18, 2009
poddys wrote...
Lots of laughs, I used to love Tommy Cooper, who used many of those MWIAB jokes. I would like to invite you to add this lens to the "Laugh Away" group on Squidoo http://www.squidoo.com/groups/laugh_away - it's headed towards being the best humor group on Squidoo. Only the best humor lenses get an invitation.
Posted March 17, 2009
SPARAR wrote...
Brilliant Lens !!!!! love the jokes!!! had me in tears of laughter
thank you
Posted December 05, 2008
by thesuccess
I am a wanderer of the vast lonely plains of the Internet always looking for something extraordinary, and now by some strange Serendipity we meet!
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