Why Don't They Leave? Domestic Violence/Abuse

 Why don't they leave? is a question that those not in such a relationship often have. Some in such a relationship also may wonder why they don't get out. This list is to help those who aren't in such a relationship understand some of the reasons why which may in turn help them to help others leave. Ultimately the decision has to be up to the one in the situation but knowing others are there for them can be a big help. If you are or have been in such a situation feel free to contact me with a reason to add to the list. You may also add to the list of myths about abusive relationships.

If you have been or are in such a relationship keep in mind that all men/women do not behave this way.  There are many wonderful people in this world.   

Check the links for other helpful resources. 

 Myths about abuse  Believing these myths can help those in such a relationship feel that it IS there fault or that their situation is different from everyone elses.  Believing the myths can also cause others to speculate about someone elses abusive relationship.

Men are the abusers and women are the victims. (Either gender may be the abuser or the victim - men abusing women are just the ones we are more likely to hear about)

He/she should have known better before marrying/living with him/her.  (The abuser does not always show this behavior until they are more involved with the person and by then the person may be blind to what is going on.)

It only happens in trailer parks or among those who are less well off. (It can happen in any neighborhood among any group of people)

They use drugs and/or alcohol. (Certainly that could make the problem worse but it is not necessarily a cause)

He/she was abused as a child and that is what they are used to. (Sometimes that may be the case  - but not necessarily)

There are bruises, broken bones, etc (Sometimes the abuse is not that obvious.  If it is verbal of course there won't be visible signs such as this)

 The abuse happens everyday or several times per week (It may be infrequent - once per month or a few times per week.  It may not happen again for years but if the person does not recognize that they have a problem and then choose to do something about it it will likely happen again)

Why don't they leave?
There could be many different reasons.  Although some of these reasons may not seem logical they can be very real to the person in such a situation.  Also, since they probably don't feel good about themselves it may be difficult for them to feel that they could function on their own. If you are in this situation see what things below apply to you.  Information will help you to make the best decisions about what to do now.  Books, hotlines, support groups, and counselors and attorneys who specialize in abuse can be a big help.

Where will I go? - (friends, family, shelters)

How will I support myself (and my children)? - (It may not be as hard as you think)

What if I am alone for the rest of my life. - (There are worse things then being alone)

No one will believe me. - (They might not but it is likely they already have seen the signs. Besides, it doesn't matter whether they believe you as long as you know the truth.)

What if I am celibate for the rest of my life? - (There are worse things in life)

No one else will want me. - (Once you are healed you may find someone great and perfect for you.  If not, again - there are worse things than being alone.)

My children need their father/mother. - (What kind of mother/father do they need? - really)

What will other people think? - (It shouldn't be about what others think but unfortunately sometimes it is.  You just need to do what is best for you.)

How will my children handle this? - (They may handle it better than what they are currently experiencing)

I don't have money or other resources. - (Get information - that will answer many concerns.)

I still love him/her and I know he/she didn't mean to do it and/or is sorry and/or will change. - (How many chances should he/she get?  What if after years and years he/she still doesn't?  Will you still keep saying that?  A person changing has to be their choice - we can't make them no matter what we do or don't do.)

How can I be sure that I will be safe from him/her? - (Call local, state, or national hotlines or resources for information.  If possible confide in a friend or relative and arrange to go to their house in case of emergency.  Always have a bag packed with a few essentials if possible.)

I am ashamed for anyone to know about the abuse. (They probably already know.)

Its not really that bad. - (Do you really believe that?)

I did cause this to happen or I deserve it. - (No one deserves to be treated that way).