Recognizing and escaping domestic abuse. Get started- it's time.

Wow- I really don't know where to begin. I have done everything I can NOT to write this lens. I have written quite a few lenses now, and usually it all just flows. I get an idea, I start to write, and it just comes together, usually the process takes a day or so- start to finish. Not so with this one. I got the idea, and then sat down to write. The words didn't flow, so I decided to set up the no-brainer stuff while I contemplated what I wanted to say. I got hung up on selecting a video. After watching about 5 hours worth other people living my life, I settled on one. By then, mercifully, it was too late for me to continue. "Tomorrow", I told myself. Tomorrow came, and again I couldn't put the words together, so I just did a little research on psychology and the like. The next day again showed me some mercy- my server was down, so I couldn't get online at all. In the meantime, I came up with about three more ideas for lenses that I wanted to write, and in my head I pretty much had them all written, but I was still blocked on this one. I had almost decided to scrap the whole thing, but then a couple of things happened. I spoke with my internet provider. They said that they knew of the problem, and would have it fixed shortly. It was fixed within the hour. "O.K.", I said to myself. Time to either get moving on this, or forget it.

Just about then, my little girl's daddy came to visit her. He's been pretty pleasant lately- almost to the point where I forgot what he really was. When he walked in the door, I recognized his alter personality immediately. He was sarcastic and rude. We got into a disagreement about money. (He thinks $50 a week is more than sufficient to hold up his end of his fatherly responsibility. After all, how much can she eat at 2 1/2?) He said the "F" word at least 6 times within the first 5 minutes he was here, and of course in front of our little girl. He criticized the way she was dressed, the way I was dressed, and the fact that I had 6 dishes in MY sink. Stupidly, I asked him to tone down his language in front of Shae. This only served to make him more nasty, so we were treated quite a few more times to some less-than-creative vulgarity. Finally he left in a huff, because Shae Was playing with a noisy toy, and he was "not sticking around to listen to this s#@*". After he walked out the door, I said aloud; "thanks once again for being you, Jason". That was the fuel I needed to sit at the computer and write this all down. Still, it has taken me 5 hours of procrastination to get here, but at least I'm here.

My name is Carrie. I am a 38 year old mother of two awsome children. I have recently gotten myself out of a 5 year long abusive relationship. Actually, I wouldn't say I'm completely out of the woods yet, but pretty darn close. He's out of my house, and I have steeled myself against his crap for a good 4 months now. I still have phases where I think that he wasn't so bad, but he usually manages to bring me to my senses fairly quickly.

I met Jason while I was a bartender at a local tavern. He is a VERY good looking guy, with a bad-boy attitude that was right up my alley. Everybody thought he was a jerk, but me. With me he was different. He showed me a very good side, and was intelligent, charismatic, accomodating, and very charming. I fell hard and fast. Before too long, Jason and his son moved into my house with my son Jake and me. Things went along pretty good for awhile. We both liked to have some beers and hang out. We both liked to raise a little hell from time to time. Little by little, Jason started to become more aggressive with me. I can be pretty mouthy myself, so add alcohol, and the situation was starting to get more than a little strained. About a year or so down the road, things were really declining. A pattern started to emerge. He was pretty good all week, but when the weekend came he turned into an ogre. I had to call the police numerous times out of concern for my safety. I'm 5'3" and weigh about 115. (O.K.- 120!) He's 6'4", 240 pounds, and all muscle. In my own house that I bought and make payments on, I wasn't about to take crap from a bully, or so I thought. I came to find out that my big mouth and big attitude weren't necessarily assets. I got my fingers bent, my face shoved in raw hamburger, and held against my will when I tried to leave. Those three things don't even begin to illustrate the whole picture, but for the life of me I can't think of much more right now. Actually, I think it's a defense mechanism. Our mind blocks out and refuses to process what is too painful to deal with. In January of '05, I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy was very tumultuous. I was taking crap from Jason and his son. I was sick. My son was going through his teenage years. Within a year's time, I lost 2 grandmothers, had a baby, had to euthanize my horse and my dog (both due to old age, but way too traumatic for me), my son moved out, and I was also dealing with this abusive relationship.

After Shae was born, Jason continued on his abusive pattern. He continued to drink- actually his drinking increased. It got so on Fridays he wouldn't come home after work, he would just get drunk. He'd come in at 2 AM- drunk and loud. He'd wake up the whole household, new baby included, and there was no controlling him. He'd do the same on Saturday. Then Sunday would come, and he would be tired, hung over, and nasty. I can't tell you how many times I had to pack up Shae and just take off and sit somewhere in the car until bedtime when I knew he'd be asleep. Then Monday would come and he'd go to work and come home and we'd play house all week.

It wasn't long before I decided that I wasn't going to have my little girl grow up dealing with this crap. I knew he had to go, but it just wasn't that easy. After all, he was really good during the week. It actually felt like a family, which is something that I never really had. The problem was that the weekend would always arrive.

It took me quite a few attempts to actually get him out. I now know how it feels. You still love the person, and you're dependent on him for many things. A few kind words, and all the bad seems to go away.

Also, they know exactly what to say, don't they? You're breaking up this family. I love you so much. My little girl will miss me. When the sob stories don't work, then the tone changes... You're too f#*% ugly to get anyone else. Your daughter will hate you for driving me away. My family was right about you. I'll go after you for custody, and I'll get it!

Then there are all of the other possibilities. Will he hurt, or maybe even kill me or my kids? Will my pets be safe? Will he destroy my property? Where will I go? How can I afford to live? How do I get out safely, and make sure none of this stuff goes on?

There's also another aspect that I was very surprised to discover. No matter how much pain this person has caused you, no matter how rotten he's been- to the point where you thought you hated his guts, you still don't want to see him with another girl. I couldn't believe it, but it's true. It just kills you- but not as dead as you would be if HE killed you. That's the thing you have to keep focused on. The situation is not going to just get better. Most likely, it will get worse. Not to mention, if your children grow up seeing all of this behavior, then that is the way they think life is. Therefore the cycle is perpetuated. Your sons will grow up to be abusive men, with strings of broken relationships and more abusive kids growing up. Your daughters will seek out and find men who will be abusive to them, because that is the only life they know- and they don't believe they deserve anything better. Take Jason's son, for example. He is now 12, and has shown EVERY SYMPTOM that serial killers begin with. He has started fires, hurt animals, completely disrespects women, he's been kicked out of school numerous times. Once he was kicked out for setting the bathroom on fire with toilet paper. Once he was kicked out for telling a little girl that he wanted to shove his di#@ up her a%#. He almost got arrested for that one. He steals. He lies about anything and everything. He beat one of my cats in the head with a shovel. HE'S 12!!! He is a VERY handsome little boy. Blond hair, big blue eyes, and he can be very charming- and also manipulative. It's scary. If I had a chance, I'd be willing to bet that he's going to be the next Ted Bundy- hopefully he doesn't get that far.

I'm getting kind of away from the topic, but I just wanted to illustrate what can happen to a child who grows up in that kind of atmosphere.

Domestic abuse can be defined as a systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain or maintain power over a domestic partner.
Domestic abuse has many forms. Abuse can refer to actual physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or intimidation, verbal abuse, economic deprivation, isolation, and threatening physical violence.

Physical violence is the intentional use of physical force to cause injury to another person. This may include punching, pushing, kicking, pulling hair, biting, choking, or the use of a weapon. Physical abuse is the most obvious form of abuse. There is really no "gray area" as to whether or not a person is being physically abused.

Sexual abuse can be just as damaging to a person as physical abuse. Have you been a victim of sexual abuse? Not sure?

Has your partner ever-
Criticized you sexually (ex: you're frigid, you're boring in bed)?
Called you a whore or a slut?
Touched you in a sexual way when/where you did not want to be touched?
Forced you to perform a sexual act that you were not comfortable with (ex: different positions, porn, role-playing)?
Criticized you for your sexual history (ex: mentioned your prior relationships, or blamed you if you have been abused before)?
Any one of these situations would be considered sexual abuse.

Emotional abuse is a prelude to psychological abuse, and is intended to hurt a person's feelings. It can include humiliation of a person, controlling another person, witholding information from another person, isolating a person from their friends or family.

Does your partner-
Swear or yell at you?
Interrogate, harass, or degrade you?
Insult your family or friends?
Limit or control what you do?
Withold money to control you?
Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful without reason?
Intimidate you with threat of violence?
Force you to stay awake or wake you from sleep?
Treat you like a servant?
If you answered yes to any of these things, then you are a victim of emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse is a step further than emotional abuse. It is more than hurting a person's feelings, it is a destruction their self esteem with fear and degradation. It serves to make a person helpless, and unable to escape further abuse.

Has your partner ever-
Threatened to injure you physically with or without a weapon?
Threatened to harm himself if you try to end the relationship?
Threatened to punish your children for things that you have done?
Threatened to harm, or actually harm a pet to hurt or control you?
Thrown, damaged, or destroyed your personal or shared property?
These are all examples of psychological abuse, and these behaviors are tools that your abuser is using to control you.

Actually, re-reading this list, I am both surprised and embarrased by the number of questions that I had to answer "yes" to.

There are many factors that may contribute to a person becoming abusive. They may have grown up in an abusive situation themselves. They may be abusing drugs or alcohol. They may be under a great deal of stress, and not have effective coping skills so they lash out. They may even be dealing with a mental illness. There are a few personality types that really jump out at me as possible abusers.

The first one I'll mention is the "borderline personality". This person will have "hot and cold" unstable interpersonal relationships. These people have difficulty regulating thier emotions and controlling their impulses. This is usually closely related to a damaged self-image, and unfavorable early social interactions. Some symptoms are: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Impulsivity and reckless behavior such as substance abuse, overspending, risky sex practices, reckless driving, binge eating. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats. Self mutilation. Unstable and intense mood swings. Inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger.

The next is "antisocial personality". These people have a long standing disregard for the law, and for the rights of others. They are indifferent to the needs of others, and manipulate through lies and intimidation. Many of these people grew up in a home with an antisocial parent, or a parent who abused alcohol or drugs. They may have lived in a chaotic home, with constant family conflict, or no supervision.They therefore have difficulty developing emotional bonds, and have not learned basic socially acceptable behaviors. Some symptoms include: Persistant lying and/or stealing. Recurrent run-ins with the law. Violation of the rights of others- either physical, sexual, emotional, property, or legal. Aggressive and/or violent behavior- gets into fights. Inability to tolerate boredom. Lack of remorse for causing pain to others. May be superficially charming or witty. I think my Jason would fit into this category.

The last personality I will mention is the "narcissistic personality". This is a severely mentally ill person, and is thought to be rare. Statistics imply that less than 1% of the population could be categorized as a true narcissist. They have an inflated sense of their own importance, and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they are superior to others, and have little or no regard for other people's feelings. Ironically, though they present themselves as superior and confident, they have fragile self-esteems and can not take even the slightest criticism. Some symptoms include: A grandiose sense of self-importance (ex: exaggerates achievements or talents), and requires exessive admiration. Preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, attractiveness. Believes that he is special and unique, and wants to associate only with other special and unique people. Has a sense of entitlement- since he is so special and unique, he deserves special treatment. Takes advantage of people around him to accomplish his goals, mindless of other people's feelings. Is jealous of other people, believes others are jealous of him. A person's upbringing is thought to be very instrumental in contributing to a person developing a narcissistic personality. Causative factors may be: Overindulgence, and overvaluation by parents. Excessive admiration which is never balanced with realistic feedback. Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving by parents. Severe emotional abuse in childhood. Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or talents by adults. Learning manipulative behaviors from parents. In my unprofessional opinion, Jason's son exhibits all of the behaviors mentioned for narcissistic personality, and also has all of the risk factors. Watch out for this kid.

Does any of this information strike a chord with you? It most certainly does with me, and I'm so glad that I am no longer living in an abusive relationship. Hopefully, by writing this lens, I will have helped someone get themselves and their children out of similar situations.

Having been through an abusive relationship myself, I know that one major reason why people stay is oftentimes simply because they can't afford to leave. A big part of the manipulation of an abuser, is to isolate their partner from the world in any way they can. Finances are a big part of that. They may forbid you to have a job, and give you just enough money to buy some groceries and personal supplies.

I was sort of in that boat, although I did have a job, and the house was mine. I just couldn't afford to pay all the bills without his help- not that he gave much, but it was enough that I couldn't afford to kick him out. I knew I needed to make more, and when I looked, I found Shaklee. My Shaklee business gave me the extra income I needed to make it on my own. He is no longer in my house, and again due to my home business, I haven't taken him to court for child support. Why is that a good thing? Well, I just simply don't trust him not to be a psycho around our little girl. I also don't trust the court system to adequately protect her if he ever went for visitation. The thing is, he is very tight with his money, and he won't risk going for visitation because he knows that I would take him to court for support. So, as long as I'm making it on my own and not going after him for support, then she will be safe from his abuse.

It is such a relief not to have to live with his abuse daily, and not to have my little girl grow up living that kind of life. I would like to help other women (not trying to discriminate, but it is usually the woman) and their kids get out of situations like mine. I believe that Shaklee is a perfect way to accomplish this. With Shaklee, it is possible to start your own business, build it, and become financially stable, so that you can get on with your life and stop the cycle. You can learn a little more about the business by visiting www.LiveGreenAndLetLive.com