Abused - it's not your fault!

One in six men in the UK are said to be subjected to domestic abuse!

Men can be subject to abuse as well!

The link above documents the 18months of torture which a 6ft man suffered at the hands of his 5ft tormenter. Watch the video to hear how he was driven to the point of suicide and was only saved when a neighbour intervened and made an anonymous phone call to the police.

Of course, abuse can also take place between same sex partners.

Not only do you suffer, but your kids suffer too. They live in fear. They keep their heads down and their eyes averted. They cannot understand why he does it and perhaps why you don't do anything about it - why you don't fight to protect yourself or leave to protect you all, (you may actually be trying to keep calm and minimalise the damage by not fighting back or causing a scene or you may simply have come to accept it!). They feel guilty for not intervening. Like you they may be torn - adoring the Dr Jekyll, yet being petrified of Mr Hyde.

In the west country, the police notify the school on the morning following a call out to a domestic incident, to ensure they are in the loop and that support is on-hand for the children. However, it is almost inevitable that as the abuse increases, the abuser will start on them (violence tends to escalate from throwing and breaking things, to attacking you, to targetting the kids).

Abusers always blame the woman - she treats me badly and winds me up. It is her fault. They justify it to themselves and give themselves the green light to go ahead (with affairs and emotional and physical abuse).

Abusers say - you are a bad mother! They think they know more than you what is right for the kids and consider themselves an authority on parenting.

Abusers say - you have changed! They cannot see that is they who have changed from that charming fun person you met.

Abusers say - you do not pay me any attention! But the more attention they get, the more they want.

Abusers are totally in control, they choose whether, and how hard, to push, slap, shove or hit. Interestingly, they would never do it to their mother - that would be sick and wrong!

Abusers see you as their property. They depersonalise you and say that you are cold.

Abusers think only of their own feelings. They never consider how you or the children feel. You are just things/objects to them.

Abusers think they love you, but "genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence", not criticising and being as hurtful and spiteful as possible.

Abusers minimise/deny blatantly what they have done - "He says he did not hit me, that I banged my eye on the piano"; "I must be menopausal and mad!"

Abusers go out of their way to be charming and nice/helpful to everyone else so that no-one can believe it of them and they can elicit sympathy - he is such a nice guy, she must have done something very bad to him, for him to behave like that!

Abusers try to appear crazy, fragile or vulnerable as a smokescreen. Counsellors feed their ego by getting them to speak about their feelings rather than concentrating on those of their partner. Their values are wrong and one needs to focus on how they think, not how they feel!

Abusers only ever smash up the partner's stuff. They have not lost control - they know what they are doing! They never help to clear up their mess.

Abusers bully so that their privileges increase! You moan about their not washing up, they go off the handle, you do not ask again - they win!

Abusers store up information on issues important to you so that they can twist them round and stick the knife in to create as much hurt as possible later. They want you to think it is you.

Abusers say you do not love me or do not have the compassion I have - they are self-centred and it is all about them and their feelings.

Abusers say I work my butt off all day for you, but do not expect to help with household chores or appreciate your contribution. They think you owe them (but they may not let you out ofthe house to earn yourself!).

Abusers do not hit rock bottom and want to make amends! Worryingly, they just become less and less remorseful!

Abusers create a smokescreen to protect themselves. You may well tell lies about your injuries to protect them! The best thing you can do is expose them..it takes away their power and domination!

When in an abusive relationship, you learn to live your life walking on eggshells. You also learn to recognise the cycle....the pressure building to a point where it eventually blows with devastating consequences!

It is hard for anyone who has not been in an abusive relationship to understand why people stay. Often they simply have no-where to go and their self-esteem and morale is so low they think they are incapable of coping alone. Fear of reprisals can also paralyse you. However, as mad as it seems, the abused is often still in love with the abuser and living in hope that they will change. At first the abuser is so remorseful, tearful and loving, it is easy to forgive. They are the person you first met and fell in love with. You think that they have really learned their lesson this time....perhaps you even believe that it was your fault?

She was beautiful
Everyone told her so
And she loved him
But she couldn't let him know

She had a boyfriend
And he didn't care
He hit her
To leave him she didn't dare

So she went on through high school
With this same guy
he would beat her and throw her around
but never would she cry

Where did that bruise come from
her friends would ask
I fell down the stairs
And that cut's from the glass

They believed all of her excuses and her lies
Thats everyone except this one other guy
He Had loved her ever since the seventh grade
Ever since he saw her at that Christmas parade

He wanted to help her but want could he do
He had to save her she was really getting hurt
The guy pushed her around
He treated her like dirt

He went to her house
And knocked on the door
He looked in the window
And saw blood on the floor

He heard him yell
So he twisted the knob
He couldn't get in
He could hear her sob

He called the police
They got there fast
They opened the door
He let out a gasp

There she was
Sprawled out on the floor
He couldn't bear to look
But wait theres more

There was a funeral
The very next day
He wanted to attend
But what could he say

He took a seat
In the very last row
He loved her so much
She just didn't know

There was a note found under her bed
He had no idea
all kinds of thoughts flew in his head

"My boyfriend hits me
But what can i do.."
"And theres this really sweet guy..
I wish he liked me
but he has no clue"

My name is Sherridan Hughes. I am a chartered psychologist, specialised in career consultancy, but also trained in educational psychology and teaching, and more recently a published author. People seeking careers advice are often prompted to come at that point due to a personal trauma or change. I have seen many clients who were healing following abusive and controlling relationships, and many of their ex partners were professional people, so this is by no means an issue exclusive to the lower echelons of society!

My Sherridan Hughes Website

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