Many people have self destructive behaviour which not only hurts them but also those around them. This behaviour destroys oneself, one's family and causes emotional damages for many years to come. Whether it be drug addiction, excessive gambling or alcoholism - they all take their toll. This lens has been written to help those who are either self-destroying themselves or are being affected by the self destructive behaviour of someone else.
NOTE - This lens also deals with suicide and what can happen to an innocent party when the people around them cannot communicate or resolve their differences.
NOTE - This lens also deals with suicide and what can happen to an innocent party when the people around them cannot communicate or resolve their differences.
What to Expect
This is one of the few lenses that I have written that is serious. This one will be very serious and hard-hitting. You might want to have your parachute ready in case you need to bail out.
It is here to educate and to help. The modules below will either be from personal experience or from knowledge. I did take some advanced psychology and sociology courses at univeristy (many years ago). I am far far from being a psychologist but for the most part, I have a good idea of how most people tick.
As always, whether with my humorous lenses or my serious ones, I welcome your comments.
It is here to educate and to help. The modules below will either be from personal experience or from knowledge. I did take some advanced psychology and sociology courses at univeristy (many years ago). I am far far from being a psychologist but for the most part, I have a good idea of how most people tick.
As always, whether with my humorous lenses or my serious ones, I welcome your comments.
The Beginning of a Personal Hell
The next couple of modules are very personal. It is not written to solicit sympathy nor compassion from the reader. Its primary purpose is to look at where I have been, where I am today and help me to cope with the current situation. There is, however, a second purpose and that is, by sharing this with others, perhaps they can avoid finding themselves in a similar dilemma.
This is the true story of an unresolved conflict between two parents and the resulting suicide of their only child. It shows what can happen when conflicts are not resolved. Discussion and moderation between conflicting personalities is utmost in avoiding misunderstandings and finding that the destination you have have reached, is not one you would have chosen.
Of course, this is only my side of the story. My ex-wife's side is not here and nor could it be as she is the one who has never discussed anything. I have been met with complete silence over 30 years. Silence solves nothing. I, on the other hand, am an open book as these modules should clearly show.
Now on to the condensed version of a very long story.
This is the true story of an unresolved conflict between two parents and the resulting suicide of their only child. It shows what can happen when conflicts are not resolved. Discussion and moderation between conflicting personalities is utmost in avoiding misunderstandings and finding that the destination you have have reached, is not one you would have chosen.
Of course, this is only my side of the story. My ex-wife's side is not here and nor could it be as she is the one who has never discussed anything. I have been met with complete silence over 30 years. Silence solves nothing. I, on the other hand, am an open book as these modules should clearly show.
Now on to the condensed version of a very long story.
What Happened in The Past
This is a condensed version of a story that began many years ago - over 30 in fact. It is the story of two incompatible people who got married far too young. They had a baby daughter 5 years after the marriage which broke up before the baby's first birthday. The person most responsible for the failed marriage was me but I was not the only one responsible. My biggest flaw was the slapping around of my ex-wife - her biggest flaw was the fact that she would never discuss anything with me.
The break-up was bitter. I was offered a one hour visitation to my daughter each week. I declined because, in my view, one hour was worse then none. Also, at that time, I took an overdose of pills and failed in a suicide attempt.
After a year or so, my life came back on track. Again, I approached my ex-wife for access to my daughter but was turned down. This situation never changed. At about 15 years of age, my daughter went through her mother's papers and found a way to contact me. She did so on the sly and her mother was never pro-active to see that our daughter's emotional needs (in regard to me) were fulfilled.
Just before our daughter's 21st birthday (in 1998), she took a large bottle of aspirin and left a suicide note. She died in her bedroom during the night and her mother found her the next morning.
I stayed away from communication for many years figuring that things would eventually straighten themselves out. Inheritances were set aside for my daughter and a letter was sent to my ex-wife around 2002 informing her of this. I had no knowledge at this point that my daughter was dead.
Even with that letter, nothing was done to inform me of the situation. In 2007, information came to me in a most unusual way that something may have happened to my daughter. Phone calls and letters produced no response from my ex-wife. There were 28 or so letters. I did eventually find out but only through a lot of effort on my part and some luck.
I pushed hard to know what had happened and got frustrated from the dead silence I encountered at each turn. My letters began with apologies for the things I did in the past and showed compassion for my ex-wife even as I began to realize that something was amiss. After getting no response but complete silence, my frustration turned to anger. I was being denied information that I had the right to know. My ex-wife's husband got involved as well warning me not to send any more letters. In the end, I found myself charged with criminal harassement and the police took my fingerprints and my mug-shot. I was treated as a common criminal because I was persistent in pushing for what every father has the right to know.
In the end, even the Crown which was prosecuting me, appeared to realize the strange case it was involved with. It approached my ex-wife and told her I had offered a Peace Bond in exchange for photos of my daughter - a most reasonable comprimise one would have thought. But not so when it comes to my ex-wife - she refused the request! It seemed most reasonable to me to have a copy of photos of my daughter - it wasn't as if someone was trying to take the originals away. That caused a stalemate and both parties plodded onward toward the trial date. Finally, one day before trial (I had pleaded not guilty of course), I signed a one year Peace Bond.
The Situation Today
One person is dead and two people have emotional baggage. I think it would be fair to say that I am less "burdened" than my ex-wife. Nonetheless, it is a burden which I would rather be without.Unresolved conflicts can cause misunderstandings and, in this case, even the death of an innocent person. I am a firm believer that no conflict is allowed to remain unresolved as God (or whatever you choose to call it) ensures that resolutions do take place at some time in the future (either in this life or whatever lies beyond).
The point I have tried to make in these modules is that we all need to make amends to those whom we have wronged. I apologised to my ex-wife many, many times but to no avail. As such, I carry no baggage in that area. On the other hand, I would think that my ex-wife has a lot of baggage - guilt, sorrow, inability to communicate ...
How do I feel? There is an emptiness in my heart for what has happened. I feel some sadness for my ex-wife but it is over-shadowed by what she has done to me and the criminal harassement charge only widened and festered any wounds I did have.
For God's sake, if you have deep emotional conflicts with someone else, do something to resolve it. Once someone dies, it is too late. In my case I know, deep down, that I have done what any normal father would have done and I am at peace with myself over what I have done. I have no guilt and would take the same steps all over again. Still, I have a wound that will never completely heal.
UPDATE - June 15, 2009
The Peace Bond ended on May 21, 2009. I kept my word and honored it. Shortly thereafter, I sent a letter to my ex-wife - the final letter from me as she shall never hear from me again in this life. It was to tell her what I think of all that has transpired including the criminal harrassement charge. I also made it perfectly clear what my attitude and position is today. Did she make any effort to respond to that letter - of course not!
Advice to myself and anyone else who finds themselves in a similar scenario or dealing with similar people: Show compassion and try to resolve your differences by communication and comprimise. However, when you are getting no cooperation from the other side and before you get frustrated - cut your loses. I wish I had done so. Some people, for whatever reason, do not understand that communication and comprimise are essential components of any conflict resolution. Do not allow the emotional dysfunctional attributes of someone else ruin your life. Prolonged attempts to communicate with them only produces resentment from them and only encumbers your own life. Leave it to God or whatever you call it. We all find our niches in life - some take longer to find it than others. I have also written a lenses enttiled The Key To Happiness which I hope will help you achieve inner peace which is the main ingredient to being happy.
Thanks to all those who have left comments at the bottom of this page. It gives me a good feeling to know that others understand what I am saying and I hope that I have reached out and helped someone by sharing this experience.
Suppression of Emotions and Introspection
In my view - this is the Biggie!I am not talking about positive emotions. Hell, if you want to supress positive emotions - all you are really going to do is keep yourself from being happy. It is highly unlikely that supressing these kinds of emotions will kill you.
However the same can not be said for the supression of negative emotions. One of the most interesting night courses I took at university was Abnormal Psychology. It's a scarey thing to take such a course - the reason being - as you progress along in that course, everyone can see a piece of themselves. Anyone who has taken such a course, will tell you the same thing. That itself is no big deal as, being human, we are all complex and can be depressed or paranoid at certain times in our lives.
The problem comes when a person continually supresses negative emotions instead of dealing with them head-on. One of the most interesting things of psychology is introspection - looking deep inside oneself and understanding why you feel the way you do and taking appropriate action with regard to those feelings. People who have carried out such an introspection on themselves ultimately become those who can deal with life and find happiness.
Those who have not engaged in introspection are less likely to be able to deal with the turmoil of negative emotions. These are the people who develop pyschosis, incurr medical probelms and more often than not, die prematurely.
In the module below, I will give you links to more information on Introspection and the Science of Psychology in general as well as information on Sigmund Freud - one of the most famous of all psychologists..
Helpful Links Relating to Psychology
- Making Peace With Your Past
- Another Squidoo Lensmaster who is on the same channel as me but writes more eloquently..
- Who was Sigmund Freud?
- This is a good article on Freud and his contribution to the field of psychology. Debate continues on even today between various factions of the Science of Psychology as each opponent strives to convince the academic world that their theories are the most correct. The truth most likely lies in a combination of several viewpoints
- Sigmund Freud's theories on the elements that compose an individual's personality.
- An excellent primer on this most famous of all psychologists.
- Encyclopedia of Psychology
- A good starting point from where you can "spring-off" to find the area that interests you the most
- Introspection Defined
- A simple and understandable description of Introspection.
- Existential Theories of Carl Rogers
- Carl Rogers - another pioneer in Psychology.
Excessive Gambling
As a teenager, I use to go to the horse races with my father. This was 40 years ago. Sometimes he would lose $40 or $50 in one night and that was no small change back then. He would tell me that if my mother asked how much he lost, tell her "$10". That should have been the first sign to me that things were going off track but I was too young to realize.My father gambled all his life even when a young lad in the navy. In fact, he told me they were caught playing cards on base and as his punishment, he had to run around the Plains of Abraham with a rifle at waist-height. Do you have any idea how big the Plains of Abraham is ...Big!!!
Then there was the all night poker games and yes, he took me along to those as well. Start at 6 PM Saturday evening and get home late Sunday night. The only thing positive I can remember is getting 2 straight flushes in the same night.
Now comes the biggy - Casino Gambling and Video Gambling Machines. Both are extremely dangerous and in my opinion, should be blown to hell !!!
Let's start with the gambling machines. Drop a coin, sit like a zombie and watch the wheels go round and round and then finally stop . You lost another coin but the next time you are going to cash in, right? So in goes another coin. Twenty minutes or so later, no more coins to play so you will have to wait another day. By the way, you just lost $100 or more.
Then comes the casinos that are licensed and sometimes controlled by your provincial or state governments who even take 1.3% of their profits to give you advice that gambling addiction is serious and where you can go for help. Like ..duh ... do they really care?
Ever look around in a casino? The plush chairs, nice carpet, free drinks. Oh, and let's not forget the convenience - the convenience of getting more money when you need it. There's an ATM either inside the casino or nearby outside.
My dad's gambling habit was so bad that he sold books at flea markets on Sunday just to keep his cash flowing. He was in his seventies and loading his car with hundreds of books is not the thing to be doing. One day while selling, he took a severe pain and had to go to the hospital. The next day - surgery - and a stroke during it. Laid in a hospital bed for almost 2 years, then died. Good !!!
What a cruel thing for me to say - not at all. Had he not suffered that stroke, he would have lost everything that he and my mother had. He would have had her living on the streets. After the stroke, my mom realized for the first time that he had $30,000 in credit card debt thanks to his gambling addiction.
But Zut - You Gamble Too
Yes, indeed I do but I have learnt from my father's mistakes. I was lead on the wrong track at an early age but managed to get off before severe damage was done. Yes, I do buy lottery tickets - around $50 a week. That's a lot you probably say and yes I agree that it is. But, and here's the kicker, I can afford to do so.
I have no debt and we have enough food to last us for a year in the event that some country nukes us and we survive. Also, it is my only real extravagance.
So, why do I buy lottery tickets?. I guess it is to see if I can beat the odds (which is one of the challenges of the gambler). If I should hit a jackpot, I intend to keep about 20% or so for myself and give the rest of it away to worthwhile organizations. That's also why I have no problem sharing 5 % with my twitter friends - I simply do not need the money. And what a wonderful feeling I would have to be able to give jackpot money away to people and animals in need.
I have no debt and we have enough food to last us for a year in the event that some country nukes us and we survive. Also, it is my only real extravagance.
So, why do I buy lottery tickets?. I guess it is to see if I can beat the odds (which is one of the challenges of the gambler). If I should hit a jackpot, I intend to keep about 20% or so for myself and give the rest of it away to worthwhile organizations. That's also why I have no problem sharing 5 % with my twitter friends - I simply do not need the money. And what a wonderful feeling I would have to be able to give jackpot money away to people and animals in need.
Smoking Cigarettes and Watching Captain Kangaroo
Counting flowers on the wall and watching Captain Kangaroo are not the problem but smoking cigarettes is!!!Some people would argue that it is their right to smoke. Fine - but it is not your right to foul up the air of people who are non-smokers. If you want or have to smoke, do so at least 100 yards away from someone else.
Don't you realize the toxins that you are voluntarily inhaling ? Are you stupid or what? Perhaps you are, as each puff you take kills one or more brain cells. There have been enough studies made to ascertain the damage that cigarettes can do. Take a look at the photos of a healthy set of lungs and then look at the lungs of a smoker!!!
Smokers are killing themselves - no question about it. However, they have chosen an expensive way of doing it, and also are "dragging" it out as long as they can. Why not simply buy a gun, put one bullet in it and hold it to your head. Oh, yes ..and then pull the trigger. You would be accomplishing the same thing for yourself and helping the rest of us by no longer subjecting us to the toxic air that you put into our environment. In addition, it would be very very fast and avoid all the pain of dying of cancer.
If you want to kill yourself by way of cigarette smoking - be my guest. But, don't take us along with you. We should not be subjected to second-hand smoke by anyone!!!
Coming Topics
Soon, I will be discussing alcoholism, drug abuse and even violence. They all destroy you and others around you.
Reader Feedback
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- boshemia boshemia Aug 27, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
- You said we have much in common, and I must agree. Only I prefer Maslow by far, Freud is very, very strange. I'm sorry to hear about all of the trouble you had with your ex, such a sad, sad, outcome. Children are not our own, many people seem to treat their children more as possessions. The outcome is not always so tragic, but it is rarely good.
It is good to see that you were willing to learn from the lessons that were presented to you. By sharing those lessons with others you have proven what type of person you truly are. I would be blessed indeed to call you friend!
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- LizMac60 LizMac60 Aug 17, 2009 @ 3:57 am
- thanks for sharing your experiences. Bless you as you continue to work through them. 5*
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- 24websurf 24websurf Jun 26, 2009 @ 1:54 am
- My heart is breaking right now. You have already started the process of dealing with what you cannot change. Seemingly accepted it, however hard that might be. My son and I are very close, so I discussed this lens with him, because I wanted make sure I wasn't missing any signs. Thank you, I needed the heads up on this.
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- Grenhilda Grenhilda Jun 21, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
- Thank you for honesty, because it is only through honesty that we can heal, and help others.
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- qlcoach qlcoach Jun 11, 2009 @ 6:18 pm
- I met you on Twitter. Thank you for sharing honestly and openly some of the challenges in your life. I am glad that you are a survivor. I am rating this lens more than 5 stars. Hope you will visit mine about emotional healing. Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist.
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by Zut_Moon
One Crazy Canuck here who likes quizzes, jokes, music videos, funny videos ... look at bottom of this page ..
I'm an Old Geezer (57) and live in Ha... (more)
I'm an Old Geezer (57) and live in Ha... (more)
