How to Choose and Work With a Clutter Buddy

Because you WILL respect my authoritah! Because I'm an adult with ADD who used to live in total chaos. In the process of turning that around, I learned a lot about what works and what doesn't, and the first thing I learned is that you need support -- at least at first. In this lens, I'll talk what makes a good clutter companion and my experiences with some not-so-good clutter companions. Then I'll move on to ways you can structure your clutter-buddy relationship so that it works best for both of you.

Whoever you choose as your clutter buddy, keep in mind that this person will be in the most intimate parts of your home. Furthermore, they will be witnessing some pretty intimate feelings during your organizing project. Getting organized, especially after a lifetime of ADD, can bring up a lot of shame. You will be reminded of all the times you tried to get organized and failed, all the money you spend on organizing gadgets that didn't work, as well as all the teachers who ever yelled at you for your messy desk.

Whether you choose to get organized with a professional organizer or a friend, this person needs to certain qualities in order for your organizing project to work. Choose someone trustworthy, discrete, and respectful, someone who will work with you to find your own solutions instead of imposing their own. Above all, choose someone who makes you feel safe enough o work through your mess.

My first clutter companion was a friend who helped me move into my current house. I asked her for help because her home was always neat and organized, and I hoped to learn some tips from her. As we were unpacking and putting things away in my kitchen, we took a prescriptive approach to organizing my kitchen. My friend told me where things should go -- the utensils belong here, the plates belong here, the pots and pans belong over there. I carefully followed her directions. I was a slob, after all, and her house was always immaculate. Obviously she was the expert. Her system clearly worked better than mine did, and if I just did what she told me to, I thought, I'd finally get organized.

The unfortunate result was that I wound up with her organizing system, not mine. Her system did not take into account how I thought about my kitchen or how I used what was in it. Therefore, it was a total failure. A year later my kitchen was utter chaos -- I didn't know where anything was, everything was dirty, and the counter tops were too cluttered to prepare food.

My second organizing buddy was problematic in different ways. When we started, we agreed that we would not judge each others' messes and we would respect the confidentiality of each others' homes. It sounded like a workable system, so we got started.

Six months in, I'd made a lot of progress. I was keeping my kitchen and my art studio in usable condition, and we had just started working on the bathroom. The first steps were to take down the shower curtain, which of course was covered in soap scum, and to put the bath mats in the laundry. My friend picked up the mats to find that the bottoms were coated in black mildew.

I was mortified. For the most part my house was extremely cluttered, but not actually dirty. The bath mats clearly crossed that line, and I was deeply embarrassed to find I was living with something so filthy. But what my friend said made me feel worse. "Oh god, that's DISGUSTING!" she said. "I'm not judging you, but this is gross."

Of course, it was disgusting, and I already felt awful about that. Looking at those rotting bath mats I was inundated by my years of bad housekeeping habits. I felt like someone who could live with something that filthy could ever really turn it around, that I would always forever be marked by that cloud of dirt around my head like Pigpen in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

I needed my friend to tell me that it was OK, that I was making an important and positive change, and I'd have a cleaner and healthier home because of the work I was doing. Instead, my friend's reaction made me feel ashamed. I felt like she had violated our agreement not to judge each others' messes. But at that point in my life, I didn't know how to assert my needs. I chose my reaction based on what she said, instead of what I felt. She told me she wasn't judging me; therefore, I told myself, I was wrong to feel judged. I swallowed my shame and said nothing.

At the next organizing session, my friend mentioned that she'd been talking to some friends of hers (people I'd met a few times but didn't know well) about our organizing project. "I told them about that expired medication, and they agreed that it was really gross", she said. This time I knew I had to something. I wasn't ashamed of having long-expired meds in my bathroom closet -- since I wasn't actually swallowing the pills in question it seems much less gross than the bathmats -- but I wanted to make sure we were absolutely clear on the confidentiality rules before the project got to a more personal space, like my bedroom. "You told me when we started this that you'd respect my privacy," I told her. "I'd really prefer it if you didn't talk about this with anyone else."

"Oh, it's OK", she said, "they don't care that your house is a mess. They still like you."

"It's not about whether they like me," I said. "I'd just really rather you not talk about this to other people. I thought we agreed on that before we started this. I'm not angry with you, I'm just asking you not to do it again."

"But I'm sure we'll find something equally gross at my house," said my friend, "and I don't care if you tell anyone about that. You can tell anyone you want."

"It's not about that!" I said ... and to make a long story short, the conversation went in circles for some time. I repeated that I felt my privacy had been violated, and my friend tried to convince me that it hadn't. I tried to explain that it wasn't a big deal this time, but I didn't want it to happen again; my friend then insisted that even though she didn't think it was a big deal, I was clearly angry, and that she had ruined our friendship. Eventually, as I always did, I backed down.

Before you start your organizing project, it is important to sit down with your clutter companion and explicitly discuss the matter of boundaries. I wrote above that your clutter companion should be "respectful", "nonjudgmental", and discrete, but what does this mean? The fact is that these things mean different things to different people. To avoid misunderstanding, and to get the most out of your clutter companion, it's important to give some thought to what these concepts mean to you.

If you decide to hire a professional organizer, keep in mind that this person is working for you, and that makes you the boss. Ask for references. Make sure they've worked with ADD clients. Pay attention to how this person makes you feel. Some people have a soothing presence that makes you feel confident -- this is a quality you want in a professional organizer. A certain amount of anxiety and trepidation is normal when you're taking on a transformational project like this, but your organizer should not be someone who makes you nervous. If you start to get that mean teacher vibe, find someone else.

As for confidentiality, a professional organizer should observe the same practices as any other professional, and they should be willing to make this explicit. After all, it is a PO's job to make you feel secure in the organizing process.

If you're teaming up with a friend, have a frank conversation about what "judgment" and "discretion" mean to you. For instance, if my friend had picked up my bath mats and left her exclamations at "ugh!", I would have been OK with that. It's hard not to exclaim when you find teeming life where you aren't expecting it. I only felt judged when she used the words "disgusting" and "gross".

When you sit down to talk set guidelines with your buddy, think about where that line is for you. Is it words like "disgusting" or "gross"? How about words like "messy" or "chaotic"? Is it OK of those words are applied to your space as long as they aren't applied to you personally? Keep in mind that the line may be in a different place for your buddy. The important thing is that both of you agree to be honest about how you feel, and if one of you says or does something the other doesn't like, the other person is willing to stop without causing drama.

Give some consideration to what your needs regarding confidentiality as well. In the case of a friend, you are more likely to know the same people. Think about what is and is not OK for your friend to discuss with others. For instance, you may not want your buddy to discuss your home with other people at all, or you may only want your body to observe the cone of silence with people you both know. In my case, if my friend had discussed factual details of our organizing project with anonymous people on the internet, that would have been OK. What bothered me is that she discussed it with people I knew, using that "gross" word that made me feel judged. Again, your buddy might have different needs regarding discretion. The important thing is to be absolutely clear what those needs are before you get started.

Finally, whether you hire a professional organizer or work with a friend, make sure that your clutter companion is someone who will work with you to devise organizing solutions. They should not try to do the work for you. Your clutter buddy will offer suggestions and advice -- that's great, that's why they're there. The problem is if it crosses the line and becomes prescriptive; that is, if your clutter buddy is telling you that "this must go there" or "you need to buy this product". If anyone else tries to impose a system on you, it just won't work -- because it won't be your system, it will be theirs.

I hope this lens on choosing an organizing buddy has helped you in your decision to get organized. In the coming weeks I will be getting my blog up and running, and when I do I will take my readers step by step through the last phase of my own home organizing project. I will also be adding more lenses about ADD home organizing, including book reviews, product reviews, and practical advice from someone who's been there, done that, screwed it up and lived to tell about it. If you want to see how someone with ADD and learning disabilities gets organized, please tune in!

In the mean time, check out my other lens on dyscalculia, which is a little-known learning disability in mathematics. Good times!