Reactive Attachment Disorder In Adults

Known more commonly as bonding, attachment is the deep connection formed between a child and parent or caregiver from birth through early years of childhood. "Good" parents fulfill the child's basic material and emotional needs, including protection. Physical and sexual abuse by a parent or caregiver are so traumatic due to the mental and emotional confusion they cause. The person who is supposed to love and care for the child betrays them by inflicting pain, neglect or by abandoning them.

Some baby-boomers and those born before appropriate parenting became a concern in our society may have experienced unintentional emotional neglect, I was reminded of this by an elderly woman who had her first child in the 1940's. She shared that her doctor told her that she did not have to "put up with" her baby crying! It was believed that picking a baby up would "spoil" it and I remember hearing this many times as I was growing up - and getting into it more than once with my mother and my old Italian aunts over my own views of parenting. When a baby's cries are not responded to and its needs are not met, it develops the belief that the world is not a friendly place. This may embed itself in the psyche as the core belief that needs will not be met and even if no other significant trauma occurs, it might cause negative thoughts and behavior that the individual can not identify a reason for.

When early attachment is damaged, the following behaviors can result:

Defiant, oppositional behavior along with destruction, lying, stealing, self-destruction. May be as extreme as cruelty to animals and fire-setting.

Intense emotional reactions. Fear and insecurity are often channeled into angry and aggressive behavior.

Poor self-esteem and negative self-image, negative attitudes toward the world in general. Blames others, plays the victim. Hyperactivity and attention and learning problems are often present. Other self-destructive disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, may develop.

Dysfunctional and unstable relationships with peers and adults. Can range from being unable to give and receive love to indiscrimately affectionate.

Poor hygiene, accident prone, high pain tolerance.

Lack of remorse, depression

According to some experts, reactive attachment disorder is linked to autism.

Attachment disorder in childhood has damaging effects on every aspect of a child's life. Children are unable to process thoughts and events in the same way that adults do because their cognitive abilities are not yet developed. What might be a minor concern for an adult can cause extreme fear and trauma to a child. They take things very literally and attitudes and beliefs formed in childhood take deep roots in the psyche. A double-whammy for those affected is that the poor self-esteem and negative beliefs about the self that the child develops actually cause them to engage in self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior. If not resolved, these patterns can lead to repeated loss that confirms these negative beliefs over and over again.

Carried into adulthood, attachment disorder leads to repetitive patterns of unhealthy and dysfunctional intimate relationships, often including domestic violence. In healthy relationships, adults with attachment disorder believe that they will be betrayed and find a way to destroy the relationship before their partner does. Adults may experience an unconscious fear of success in relationships, career or community and sabotage themselves when things are going exceptionally well. The panic is related to a fear of experiencing loss rather than actual success.

The person in your life who seems to struggle with fear of commitment and intimacy may instead be afflicted with adult attachment disorder. The co-worker or friend with a pattern of building a series of peer relationships that always end badly may be dealing with RAD. Treatment consists of helping the individual identify past losses, unresolved grief and self-sabotaging patterns.

It should be noted that not all losses experienced by affected children and adults are the result of self-sabotage. Children and adults with reactive attachment disorder typically engage in blaming others but negative self-perception often causes them to blame themselves as well. If several traumatic losses have occurred, differentiating between self-sabotage and natural events might be difficult for both patient and therapist.

This quote by Mignon McLaughlin sums up the fear experienced by those affected by RAD and other emotional disorders:

We lavish on animals the love we are afraid to show to people. They might not return it; or worse, they might."

As the town "shrew," character Danielle Staub of the reality show The Real Housewives of New Jersey is an extreme example of adult behavior that may stem from attachment disorder. Although I'm skeptical of reality shows and believe that they are to some extent scripted and that some storylines may be embellished or fabricated, Danielle is the most recent character I've seen that demonstrates the behaviors and thinking patterns of someone with RAD.

On the season one wrap-up show, Danielle breaks down and "shares" details of an abusive childhood that includes abusive foster homes and that the ex-husband who wrote "the book" in the photo brutalized her. She implies that her bad behavior, which includes promiscuity, stems from a need to be loved and accepted. What she does not verbalize is evident in her actions during the show - Danielle will destroy you before you destroy her and then blame it all on you. In other words, Danielle cuts her own throat by damaging potential friendships before they can form and then plays the victim.

If Danielle is telling the truth, her behavior in adulthood is typical of abused and displaced children. Many engage in promiscuity and drugs beginning in adolescence and a significant percentage end up in sexually exploitive professions, at least for a while. Due to their emotional detachment, some are able to use this to their advantage. Fortunately for Danielle, her suvival skills landed her in the elite social and financial circles that enable her to live a life of luxury - and celebrity - today. Sadly, this is not the case for all individuals afflicted with RAD. The other extreme can involve eating disorders and suicide.

New Jersey Housewife Caroline Manzo, aka "The Matriarch" does not believe that Danielle's confessions and apologies are sincere. As an individual, I can understand her attitude and reservations. Danielle's past is detailed in print - Hello?! - and it was unwise not to come forward with this information to people with whom she hoped to become close friends. As a professional social worker, I view the series of events in Danielle's life as forming and reinforcing inner beliefs that the world is an unsafe place and that all people have the potential to harm. It's likely that Danielle's "Wayne (NJ) friends" who contacted the other housewives to reveal her past confirmed this belief. She may have been traumatized so many times that it will be difficult, if not impossible, to change those inner beliefs and will therefore never change her behavior, not really.

Although her despicable, often vicious and back-stabbing actions stem from fear, insecurity and a strong will to survive, few people will be able to accept her as she is, let alone forgive and forget what she might do. What Danielle needs most is love and acceptance, but even when she does receive these things she is likely to turn when the love gets too close for comfort and her inner alarm bells tell her it's time to strike before things turn sour.

Danielle says, "You'll either love me or you love to hate me, there's no in-between." Even though I have significant empathy for her, I find her hard to love, or even like. I don't hate her, nor would I love to hate her. I'd prefer to feel like I want to give her a hug but she seems too far gone and emotionally cold. I wonder if she may have crossed over into sociopath, another serious disorder. Perhaps if I could hug her in person, my feelings would change.

On the surface, tough girl Danielle has indeed survived but she's painfully lonely. She may have replaced her need for human love with material things. Danielle has said that she's looking for a man who can financially take care of her and her girls. I don't recall her mentioning anything about love or a healthy relationship being a requirement or at least on her list of hopes and dreams. During the reunion show, Danielle said that the love and acceptance from her fans is like an aphrodisiac to her that satisfies her needs. She said that "people want me" and that this makes her feel good. Perhaps love and acceptance from the fans who will, by the nature of the relationship, keep their distance is the only kind that she won't feel the need to destroy.

Danielle puts too much responsibility on her daughters for providing the love and acceptance she needs. She believes in sharing every aspect of her life with them, including the dirty laundry, when they have neither the cognitive (thinking) development nor the life skills to cope with adult issues. This is emotional abuse. Her girls have become "parental children" (children who feel a need to or are put into the unfair position of taking care of their parents instead of their parents taking care of them) and are suffering emotional damage that will impact their own ability to have healthy relationships as a result. There is a strong possibility that as they grow, they will turn away from their needy, clingy mom.

Keep in mind that not all people affected with RAD are dangerous. Danielle is an extreme case. Most are severely dysfunctional and the damage they inflict, often unintentionally, is emotional. Many end up doing far more damage to themselves than they do to others.

Comedienne Margaret Cho has openly spoken and written about the effect that the cruelty of children and self-esteem issues have had on her adult life. Margaret's quote could describe Danielle and others living with RAD:

"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state of the union to live in."

Musician and dancer Michael Jackson, who passed away from a sudden heart attack on June 25, 2009, also exhibited less blatant characteristics of attachment disorder. Let's face it, y'all - Michael's overall behavior was pretty strange, but he did not seem to be as easily forgiven as other celebrities like Britney Spears or even Rush Limbaugh. The current "outpouring of sorrow" surrounding his death is quite ironic given the way the media treated him when he was alive. Allegations that his father, Joe Jackson, was an abusive dictator who forced the boys to perform, are well known and Michael was allegedly the target of most of the abuse. At this time it is rumored that he may have had up to fifty plastic surgeries to completely change his face and that he may have suffered with anorexia nervosa. A medical expert stated that these things, combined with the ongoing stress of allegations of child abuse and resulting depression and social isolation, could easily contribute to early death from heart disease. I've had my doubts about Michael's guilt since the outcome of the first case. If the abuse really occurred, I can't imagine that any parent would accept a financial settlement in lieu of prosecution of their child's abuser. This should cast significant doubt on the subsequent allegations, in my opinion. I grew up on Michael's music and incredible showmanship and will always remember him as one of the most influential creative genuises of our time. His gifts to the world will live on. I wish Michael a peaceful transition and his family peace and healing.

You can view full episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey at BravoTv.com or purchase the finale episode at Amazon.com. Her ex-husband's book, Cop Without a Badge: The Extraordinary Undercover Life of Kevin Maher is rare and can currently be found at a very high price but will soon be published in paperback. It is available for pre-order at Amazon.com, release date unavailable as of this writing.

Because children and adults afflicted with attachment disorder have a negative and distrustful view of others, healing can be a challenge. For me, the problem is exacerbated by the fact that I have a degree in the helping profession - a Master's in Social Work.

A large percentage of individuals who choose the helping professions do so because they have been on the receiving end of services. They are either appreciative of the help they've received or feel that they can do a better job. Others have been affected by an indirect experience and are on a personal vendetta against certain social problems. For instance, a worker who can not have children of their own might arbitrarily remove children without good cause, or the child of alcoholics may place an irrational emphasis on identifying alcoholism in every single case.

On the plus side, their first hand experience with the problems clients face often better qualifies them to provide effective services. On the down side, these individuals have been or are currently sick themselves. They can be at risk of relapse or impose their own attitudes and feelings onto their clients. I have witnessed more than one colleague engaging in dysfunctional and unethical behavior both on and off the job. This adds to my distrust of professionals. I would prefer to confide in friends, but I've found that "friends" are ill equipped and unwilling to provide support - perhaps because it forces them to look at their own issues. Unfortunately, this type of rejection simply serves to reinforce deeply rooted beliefs that other human beings can not be trusted. It can also feed negative attitudes and "blaming" behavior.

It may be more important to seek out a therapist with which the individual has a good "fit" rather than someone who "specializes" in attachment disorder. Attachment Disorder is a compilation of a multitude of traumas and dysfunctions. In my personal and professional opinion, a true empathetic and non-judgmental manner, a comprehensive knowledge base and significant experience in the field qualify a professional to work with this population more than condition-specific credentials.

Attachment impaired children and adults are not easy to live with. I am definitely no day at the beach. Just as understanding and support from family and friends is critical, support for the family and friends support network is just as critical when attempting to support someone who rejects and hurts them. They must make caring for themselves a priority and know when to let go.

When seeking out a professional, make sure that family and/or couples therapy is also available. Many insurance companies require that a specific number of hours of family therapy be utilized when treating children.

Personally, I have found that alternative healing methods that balance body and mind such as acupuncture, yoga and Reiki can be far more effective than medication and therapy alone.

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