Being an Adult Child and Caregiver

The Life of an Adult Child
Most of us spend our lives trying to impress our parents, hoping to make them proud of us.



As children, we strive to do well in school, we make objects of art to show our love for them, and we basically live for their approval. A simple hug, or a 'job well done.' is all we really are looking for. As adults we just want to be recognized as such.



We do our best to raise our children so that our parents will be proud of them too. If our parents are proud of our kids, they must be proud of us too, right?



But what does one do if their parents are not proud of their kids? Does one accept that as failure? Most likely, but it should not be that way. As adults we must look for approval from ourselves. If you are proud of your kids, that should be enough, but is it?



Being an adult child of a parent living with you makes things a whole lot different. You still seek their approval, but what if you don't get it? I say, life goes on.



I have raised one child to adulthood, and have one at home still. My mother came to live with me, at my request, several years ago, and whereas I love my mother very much, living with her, as an adult, is not easy.



It seems that I do nothing right anymore. I don't wash the dishes the right way, I don't dicipline my child properly, I don't keep my house tidy enough, I do my laundry in the wrong order (whites must always be done first according to my mother). In a nutshell, instead of my mother trying to fit into our lifestyle and ways of doing things, she insists that we do everything to accomodate her lifestyle, which doesn't always fit ours.



Like I said before, I love my mother. I owe her much, as she has been there for me when I needed someone in my corner. However; I do not like it that she refuses to let me be the parent in my own house. She tries to parent me as well as my children. As you can imagine, this causes much friction.



As her child, I sought her approval, but as an adult I do not. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with who my kids are. I am happy with the way I live my life regardless of what she thinks, and I think that drives her crazy.



She is staunchly Catholic; I am not. As you can probably image too, this does not sit well with her and she does her best to let me know it whenever possible.



My mother came to live with me when she became disabled and could no longer work to support herself (2002). I invited her to live with me and my family, so that I would know that she was living securely. I didn't want to see my mother on the skids.



I drive her to all of her appointments, prepare her meals, and try with diligence to keep her on a diabetic diet. I do my best to be a good daughter.



However, the role of her cargiver is not a joyous one, because she fights me on things like her diet. I have had to tell myself that she is an adult and she can make those decisions for herself. If she wants to eat ice cream, I'll not stop her.



My mother does not like my youngest child and can be very demoralizing to him. She criticizes him for the way he dresses, what he eats, and everything else you can imagine. She even calls him names and agrues with him almost constantly (he can do nothing right in her eyes). I have told her that this behavior is unacceptable, but yet it continues. There are many times when the two of them are going at it, that she behaves more like a child than he does. My mother has had temper tantrums in front of him. Her defense is that he treats her the same way. Then I must remind her that she is the adult in the situation, and that she is setting the example. She rejects this too. (It's always easier to blame him than for her to accept responsibility for her actions.)



Does this sound abusive to you? It is abusive and I cannot tolerate it. In fact, the situation for me has become so stressful that I have sought counseling to deal with it. The interesting thing there is that the counselor tells me that I am not the one who needs therapy, my mother does.



I can't put my mother out, so what can I do to deal with it?



This is my mother's solution to the problem, and I don't like it at all: She has decided to keep to herself, in her bedroom. She no longer eats meals with us. I prepare the meals and she takes her food into another room to eat. She claims that she does this to avoid saying negative things to my boy at the table. That floored me. My mother cannot control herself, or her mouth, so that she avoids my son at family meal time.



I have always enjoyed sitting at the dinner table sharing the day's events with my family, but now it is no more.


My husband avoids her because of her contempt for our son.



My mother has decided to be our tenant. How ridiculous. But, I have decided that it is her choice and being that she is an adult, I will not try to stand in her way. If only she could treat me with the same respect.



Anyone who knows me knows that I am BIG into the Law of Attraction, and that I belive in manifesting destiny. Because of this, my mother scares the Hell out of me. It seems as though she has decided that she will grow old and die just as her parents did. My grandparents spent the last years of their lives in hospital beds, in horrible health. So, that is what I have to look forward to? God, I hope not. I'll deal with it, but I am not sure how.



When she came to live with us, I thought it was going to be much different than it is. I had a good relationship with my mom; I don't anymore. I feel like the rebellious teen I once was, only I am not getting into trouble.



The way I see it is that she took care of me when I was a child, so I should take care of her as she gets old. As difficult as it can be, that is my job and I will continue to do it, no matter how hard it gets./p