Ask Zuri Advice Column

Dear Zuri,

Earlier this month I went out clubbing with my friends and ended up kissing a guy. We exchanged phone numbers and met again at a club the following weekend. He called me afterwards to meet again for drinks, but I didn't want this to end up being a hooking up based relationship
so I asked him to meet for coffee instead. We had a great time and he asked me if he could see me again. Each time we would speak he never offered something to do, so I took it upon myself to organize the dates. I planned a date that consisted of going to an art gallery (free) and later a walk through a park (free) to show him there is such a thing as an economical date. The following date I also had to plan and the fourth date he asked to come over my house to watch a movie. We ended hooking up and for the past three nights it has been the same. As a bartender, he makes a decent living but most of his money is not managed well. When he is not using it to help pay for school, the remainder of the money is used to party with his friends after work, and none of it is put aside for taking me out on proper dates. I don't want to come off as a materialistic drama queen, but I would like to be taken out on dates (which he organizes and invites me to). I feel I haven't been courted at all and that he is taking this relationship for granted. How can I best approach this sensitive issue with him? He is a Leo and I don't want to hurt his ego pride. Other than that he is the sweetest guy and caters to my every need in bed.

Sincerely,
F 7/78

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Dear Zuri,

M used to be my boss a few years ago when he was going through a very nasty divorce. I quit and had no contact with him until 9 months ago when he just walked up and began kissing me at his Pub. We began dating and became exclusive immediately. After 4 months, we had a blow up and broke
up. A month later, he emailed me inviting me over for wine and we got back together. A few weeks later we broke up again over miscommunication. A month after that we reconnected but decided to take things slow, mostly due to him being extremely stressed about his failing business, investments and his father's health. He didn't know it at the time, but he was suffering from depression. Last night he revealed that he is in full blown depression, but he's never suffered from depression, so he's not sure whats going on in his head. He said he doesn't want to feel anything for anyone, including me. He said he's never felt as connected to someone as he does me, not even with his ex wife, but for whatever reason, he's very depressed right now and wants me to go away. He said he wants to date other people who he feels nothing for so he won't have to be responsible for their feelings. He was all over the map with what he wanted, he just wasn't sure. My question is, what is going on with him, what is going to happen with us and is there anything I can do to fix this?

CH 10/72

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Dear Zuri,

Every 2-4 years or so, I manage to lose my entire circle of friends, and have to start over. Sometimes, as in the most recent case, they hurt me deeply and can't be bothered (or actively refuse!) to apologize. While I can, and do, forgive them regardless, I lose all trust and faith in them or their professed friendship, and thus it ends. Other times, distance or being too busy just drifts us apart. This has been going on my entire life, with rare and precious exceptions, and I'm tired of the pattern. I find and make friends easily. I just can't seem to keep them.

This pattern goes for lovers, too. Worse, every lover that has hurt me intensely winds up finding the love of their life immediately after me, while I'm still alone. I am ultimately happy for my exes, but I'd like to find and keep lovers and friends of my own. How to I break this pattern and accept and keep love and friendship in my life?

CL 7/73

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Dear Zuri,

My ex and I had a bad breakup. Until now we had not contacted each other for about 11 months, though we did bump into each other during March as we were in the same college. So I would like to know if she will come back to renew the friendship and if there is also a possibility to reunite in the future. She is already in another relationship but still I can't seem to let go of her. Thanks...

IC 6/84 and CC 1/85

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Dear Zuri,

My girlfriend wants to take a break. She says she still loves me but she says things have changed. She seems to just have a lot going on and I'm worried this will be the end of us. What can I expect?

CM 4/88

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Dear Zuri,

My year and a half relationship with my girlfriend just ended about 2 months ago and deep down I still do have feelings for her. She has told me the same but I'm very skeptical on us getting back together. I never was in love with a girl more than I was with her and we had even talked about marriage and kids. But unfortunately, I guess we just drifted apart the last few months and she started has new group of friends now that I would have never pictured her hanging out with in the first place. I believe she is talking with someone else now too. I do want her in my life still and she does too but being friends with her would just be too hard for me. Anyways, is there a future for us down the road or is it best to follow the old saying, "If you love something, then let it go"? I'm really curious to find out in the this time of uncertainty in my life. Hope to hear from you.

AB 9/83

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Dear Zuri,

S and I were involved in an affair that has lasted over three years. Although we resisted the attraction for a long time, it happened. His marriage with his wife has been in trouble long before I came on the scene. His wife found out about us just over two years ago and has gone back and forth between taking him back and ending it. He keeps coming back to me but is still not ready to fully commit because of guilt and trying to make it up to her. He still lives with his ex-wife two days a week, as their house has not been sold yet. I feel he still tries to have everything on his terms and plays games with me. And, his drinking and drug problems don't help. I don't know whether to stop seeing him so that he makes a bigger effort to get things sorted out and choose me or to move on. He thinks there is nothing wrong with his behavior and addictions. Please help!

Thanks,
LL 6/66

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Dear Zuri,

I have been alone now for two and a half years. I'm interested in meeting someone who will bring me happiness as a friend and lover. When am I going to meet my future romantic partner? Do I know him already?

Thank you!
- MQ 3/58

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Q. Dear Zuri,
My question is about a man I met over 5 months ago. He calls me every day, saying he loves me and wants to marry me. He lives in another country called Dubai and has said three times that he will come see me. However he never shows up. Whenever this happens, I get angry and tell him that he is a liar. He is upset that I don't understand him. I am really confused because I do not know what is he up to. Is he being honest? Please help. I cannot sleep or eat well wondering if I should trust him or let him go. I have been hurt by my ex and I do not want be hurt again.

- SJ 8/83 and MK 79

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