(by 2 people)
One of the most rewarding jobs, but sometimes thankless... until...
Stepmom... stepdad... doesn't every young person just love saying those words? No, not really. At least few children look forward to it.
The children are usually worried about their moms/dads feelings about this new person who has taken "their" place, or so it may seem. The parent can worry they may be abandoned by the children. The kids worry their parent will feel bad if they actually care for their step parent.
There are a lot of really good people out there who, as a consequence of falling in love, begin with a readymade family. And all the good intentions in the world, do not make it any easier!
Ron Deal writes in his book "The Smart Step-Family"
...
Parenting in stepfamilies is a two, three, or four-person (sometimes more!) dance. Parent-stepparent harmony is the crux of successful parenting within your home. The two most critical relationships in any stepfamily home are the marriage and the stepparent-stepchildren relationships.
The marriage must be strong to endure the many pressures that stepfamily couples face and provide the backbone to stepfamily stability. Almost as important is the stepparent-stepchildren relationship. The stepparent's role in the family is critical because it dramatically affects the level of stress in children. Less stress in children equals more harmony with stepparents; that in turn leads to more harmony in the marriage.
I quote Ron Deal a lot, so please do purchase his book. It is well worth the money, it's an investment in your future!
Teamwork!
Biological parents and stepparents must work out roles that complement one another and play to each other's strengths. Just as in two-biological parent homes, parents and stepparents must be unified in goals and work together as a team. Stepparents who are struggling need biological parents who will step up to the plate.
New Table of Contents
- Teamwork!
- It isn't easy melding two families together.
- A few things I have learned along the way...
- A Frugal Nana says.......... the Most Important Thing
- New Link List
- Blog Posts from Google
- Great books about Step parenting that'll get you through some hard times
- New Lijit
- I would love to hear from you!
It isn't easy melding two families together.
I write this because, almost 20 years ago, when my husband and I got married, I became a step mother to a beautiful golden haired girl who actually had the name I had always wanted to name my girl, for all those years I raised my three boys. I never did give birth to my girl, but felt more than blessed to accept my God's gracious gift in this manner.I can honestly say, I began with only the best of intentions. Needless to say, they aren't always good enough.
Below, I'll make a list of the things I learned since our effort began...
A few things I have learned along the way...
These are some of the small nuggets of wisdom I gleaned throughout the years. In some ways, I learned them too late. And that is why I created this page for you. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.
- Not fair!
Never think it's fair.
Divorce by it's very nature, is never fair to the children. Who wants to grow up with your loyalties so split?
Just keep your focus on the outcome and point yourself and your family forward to act and not to react.
You'll have more influence this way. - Irregular Pieces!
The most intriguing feature of a crazy quilt is the irregular patchwork. Open-door families are like that. Whether the family is blended by marriage, built by adoption or foster parenting, or even created in a group-home setting, the unexpected shapes result in a beautiful pattern. In Matthew 25:34-40 we are called to reach out to those the Lord referred to as "the least of these." It may disrupt the seamless composition of a traditional family, and it may leave us open for heartache, but the blessings can far outweigh the pain.
Running a hand across the variety of textures in the patchwork-nubby corduroy, well-worn wool, slippery silk, plush velvet-exposes the richness of their combination. Because patchwork families don't share genetic traits, sometimes the diversity is striking. All families have differences in temperament and personality, but they're more noticeable in brothers and sisters who weren't raised together from babyhood or who don't share a common childhood. In our family, we not only enjoy these different textures, but our colors add interest as well, from fair-haired and blue-eyed to brown-skinned with black eyes.
The more intricate a pattern, the more it says about the quilt maker. Just as a much-worn patch from an heirloom quilt inspires a memory ("This blue wool was from the dress Grandma wore when she met Grandpa"), our patchwork family is a living reminder of God's love. I look at my oldest daughter and thank God for the miracle that brought her into our life. Seeing our 6-foot-tall, 16-year-old son peering into the refrigerator, I'm reminded of the baby picture-clipped from a magazine and taped to a long-ago refrigerator as a commitment to pray for another child to adopt. And when I look at Rae Lynn, I remember that God sometimes unexpectedly gives us the most wonderful gifts.
The real magic of a crazy quilt happens when the quilt maker embroiders the pieces. Over the top of every seam is an intricate design of multi-colored embroidery. I've seen quilts that never repeat the same embroidery stitch, going from delicate feather stitches to blanket stitches to lazy daisy chains. What a miracle to learn that when God stitches a family together, the thread that connects is stronger than shared genetics. It's the thread of love.
God's Own Patchwork Family
A similar crazy quilt construction is evident throughout history as God keeps His door open to His children. From the fall of Adam and Eve through the blending of foreign marriages into the line of David, from the covenant with the Jews to the New Covenant, it's a fascinating patchwork. On those days when I yearn for an uncomplicated family woven of whole cloth, I picture the complexity and beauty of that crazy biblical quilt. Opening the door of our home-and the heart of our family-is kingdom work.
Rae Lynn is still with us. Her mother has not yet acted on her intentions. If Rae Lynn leaves, it will feel as if a hole has been torn in the fabric of our family, but we'll keep the relationship open. As the Lord reminded me that day in the car, we need to be ready to piece her back into this patchwork family if the time comes. The emerging pattern may be uncertain, but we continue to trust the Quilt Maker.
This article appeared in Focus on the Family magazine. - Is this a dream?
No one ever dreams of growing up and becoming a stepparent. It's just not part of our "and they lived happily ever after" fantasy. Nor does society teach us an effective stepparent role. We make it up as we go.
"I feel more like a maid than a mother."
But not all children feel negatively toward stepparents.
When I was four years old my father died, and two years later my mother met my stepdad. There were six of us kids to raise, plus he had three from his previous marriage. When they got married he helped her raise us and treated us like his very own kids. I never knew my father; Ted is the only real father I ever knew. Though we have had our ups and downs I would never trade him for any other father in the world. Stepdaughter
Please remember when the "going gets tough" that all the hard work and discomfort of stepparenting can pay off. It probably won't live up to the fantasy you have created, but it can be pretty good. Remember, there are both rewards and challenges; only determination will bring rewards. - Be Patient!
General stepfamily integration and bonding with a stepchild hardly ever happens as quickly as adults want it to. It just doesn't happen on their timetable. Stepfamily researcher James Bray discovered that stepfamilies don't begin to think or act like a family until the end of the second or third year.1 Furthermore, Patricia Papernow, author of the book Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships.2
Fast families can accomplish this in four years, if the children are young and the adults are intentional about bringing their family together. However, slow families, according to Papernow, can take nine or more years. In my experience, very few adults come into their stepfamily believing it will take this long. They want a quick, painless blending process. In fact, if they had known the journey would take so long, they might not have signed on in the first place.
So why does it take so long to combine a stepfamily and bond with a stepchild? Here are a few reasons:
The stepfamily is filled with complex dynamics that take most adults by surprise.
Family therapists have long recognized that divorce doesn't really end family life; it just reorganizes it. In effect, it spreads your family out over multiple households. Emotional and relational dynamics that preceded the divorce continue even though the family living arrangements have been restructured.
Stepfamilies need to realize that all the people sharing a home with your children and stepchildren are part of your "expanded" family. Start counting, and the total number of people can be exasperating! Indeed, stepfamilies don't have a family tree, they have a family forest! This complex forest simply takes time to integrate. - Qualities of Effective Stepparents...
The attitudes and expectations you carry either make bonding with a stepchild easier or more difficult. In addition, there are many factors that, in truth, have very little to do with you, and everything to do with the child and his or her other relationships and past.
Finding a map for your stepfamily journey means understanding the factors that make or break your place in the home. Keep reading to continue pulling the pieces together. - Enjoy!
Enjoy the Relationship You Have Now
The cardinal rule for stepparent bonding is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you.
If they welcome or seek affection, then go for it.
If they remain distant and cordial, honor that as well.
If they follow your rules and respect your decisions, continue to assert your given authority.
If they challenge your authority, finds ways to live on borrowed power from the biological parent. - Have Realistic Expectations!
Parents and stepparents tend to assume that children want a close, warm relationship with the stepparent. Biological parents want their children to be happy with their choice of mate, and stepparents assume they need to be someone special to the children. Kids say otherwise.
When asked how the stepparent role should be performed, parents and stepparents generally envision the role in similar ways. In one study, close to half of them said the ideal stepparent role should be one of "parent" as opposed to "stepparent" or "friend." In contrast, 40 percent of stepchildren identified "friend" as the ideal role. Far fewer children thought a "parent" role was ideal.3 "Parents" give hugs and expect obedience to their rules; "friends" offer support and encourage positive values in a child's life - Gradually Discipline...
The ability to lead and influence children comes the old-fashioned way - you earn it. Trust, respect and honor grow out of a relational history, and there is no quick way to establish that. Stepparents must be dedicated to building a relationship over time. - Your Marriage a Priority...
Stress in a stepfamily generally divides people along biological lines. When push comes to shove, the allegiance (or loyalty) between parents and children often wins out over the marriage unless the couple can form a unified position of leadership. If they cannot govern the family as a team, the household is headed for anger, jealousy, and unacceptance. - Here are just a few changes that bring loss to children:
not wanting parents to divorce
not wanting to change residences or move between two homes
a new stepparent they didn't ask for and the death of the dream of parental reconciliation
new stepsiblings
having to share a room with a sibling or stepsibling
loss of a role in the family when remarriage brings other people to the household
loss of familiarity with a school, teachers, neighborhood, friends, activities and traditions
financial pressures; and changes in rules and expectations from their parent and stepparent
A Frugal Nana says.......... the Most Important Thing
Is to seek wise counsel. Whether it's someone who has already been through it, or a pastor, counselor or a friend who has a child with a step parent... talk it over and find out another point of view besides your own.
You will probably save your whole family a lot of stress!
New Link List
- Successful Stepfamilies
- "Successful Stepfamilies" - Christian resources for churches, stepfamilies, and single-parents from family therapist and author, Ron Deal.
Blog Posts from Google
- Blended Families - Can you weather the great divide?
- I'll be very honest when I say it's this struggle that has me wondering if blending families is really worth it? While I've not been one who tries to take the easy way out - I refuse to teach my kids that he who bitches loudest wins. ...
- Estate Planning Practice Blog: Trustees for Blended Families.
- Estate planning is a must for blended families. Families where there are children from a prior marriage or a relationship need estate planning to make the parents' wishes known and protect all of the children involved accordingly.
- Specially Blended Families - Positives, Challenges, and Strategies ...
- While every family struggles with meeting everyone's diverse needs, families with disabilities present may have more complex challenges. Specially blended families have a lot to teach us and each other about seeing challenge and ...
Great books about Step parenting that'll get you through some hard times
Raising Children in Blended Families: Helpful Insights, Expert Opinions, and True Stories
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Amazon Price: $9.59 (as of 11/21/2008) 
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Blended Families: Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life
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Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 11/21/2008)
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God Breathes on Blended Families
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Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family
Release Date: 02/26/2002
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Step Parenting and the Blended Family: Recognizing the Problems and Overcoming the Obstacles
Release Date: 09/13/2008
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Amazon Price: $16.47 (as of 11/21/2008)
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I would love to hear from you!
Lensmaster
funny butterfly wrote
thsniks very great
Posted September 19, 2008
Lensmaster
johnsm
I think your lens is great so far. Hope you will be updating.
Posted September 18, 2008
