Indulging in Fine Whine
It isn't as though I haven't seen this coming.
A wrinkle here, a gray hair there, a sag here,
there... everywhere else.
The urge to go to sleep at 9:00 PM. The urge to go to the bathroom at 10:45 PM... 12:30 AM... 3:00 AM...Getting up at 6:00 AM exhausted from my night's sleep.
Deep down (way deeper than it used to be) I am that young thin, attractive girl that I once was and still remain without any visual evidence to the contrary. Did you know that mirrors are shockingly fragile? What a shame.
Chronic Body Betrayal
Do You Suffer From CBB?
When I was young I was what used to be poetically referred to as willowy.
Actually, that was how my mom described me.To the rest of the world I was tall,
skinny and not terribly well-endowed.
My mother was an RN and as such wanted to make certain I was aware of the
latest methods of of early cancer detection.
She approached me one day with, "If you ever feel anything resembling a lump
in your breast, I need you to tell me immediately."
I replied, "If I ever feel a lump resembling a breast, you will be the first to know."
Fast forward to the present. Be careful what you wish for.
I finally have the curves I always wanted... I had just never imagined
they'd be on my back.
It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when my body began it's evil treachery.
I know it didn't happen overnight but the daily shock value is the same as
if it had. Every day brings a new horror.
I got out of the shower the other day and let out a shriek when I caught a reflection of Mom naked. Wait... that cannot be me!
That stomach! Hadn't I already given birth to that last child twenty-one years ago? Why in the name of Heaven won't the mirror fog up when you really
need it to?
Memories of the not so distant past.
I can remember when...
Pulling on a pair of pantyhose wasn't an Olympic sport (and yes, some
people still wear them).
The only gray was in my eyes.
The only facial hair I had was my eyebrows.
The only brown spots on my body were freckles.
Laugh lines didn't permanently remain after the laughter had stopped.
My earlobes did not have a crease in them. What the heck is that all about?
My cheeks hadn't formed an unholy union with gravitational pull.
The word chin was singular.
I could sleep till morning without side trips.
I could laugh or sneeze without dire consequences.
I can remember when I could still remember.
I force myself to find a bright spot every day.Today I woke up wrinkle free!
Nothing firms and smooths the skin quite like full body swelling.
More Anita Renfroe
Life Unplucked
The Hairy Truth
Forget American Express.Don't leave home without your tweezers.
Ever notice a weird, freakishly long hair growing in a truly inappropriate place?
It's usually a different thickness, texture and even color than any of your other hair just to add to the over-all creepiness of it.
Invariably this horrifying discovery occurs when you have been out all day, among tons of people, including your so-called friends!
You just know that everyone that saw you was thinking to themselves, how could anyone have a huge gross hair growing under their chin and not do anything about it?
Frankly, my eyesight is not what it used to be, plus, these mutant hairs literally
appear overnight.
When you hit a certain age all remaining fertility migrates north to the higher elevations. Now all the hair except the hair on the top of your head, grows at an accelerated pace. It is not humanly possible to keep up.
Your only weapons are a highly magnified mirror and surgical quality tweezers.
Warning: Take the necessary precautions. Keep them under lock and key!
I have personally been involved in missing tweezer induced rage.
Under certain circumstances it can become nearly homicidal in nature.
Trust me, you do not want to go there.
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Can't Afford a Facelift?
Take your Face to the Gym
In the immortal words of Jackie Gleason-
"When I wake up each morning, I always do my exercises. I tell myself sternly, 'Ready now. Up - down - up - down.' After three strenuous minutes of this, I then do the same thing with my other eyelid."
Well, Jackie was apparently ahead of his time. Studies have now shown the enormous benefit of facial exercise in the battle against wrinkles and sags.
See for yourself- The Natural Antiaging Alternative To Plastic Surgery
Estrogen Fades
But Hot Flashes are Forever
I actually have only recently begun to experience the joys of the hot flash and let me say, it more than lives up to it's reputation.There is no way to fully appreciate the sensation until you have experienced it but here is how it affects me.
I understand hot flashes can happen anytime, day or night. My own, at least at this point in time, occur only
at night.
There is no build up, no warning. I go from zero to rolling-boil in seconds. The heat seems to originate in the core of my body then flow outward encompassing everything in its path. Envision molten lava. I wonder how my internal organs are not irreparably damaged by the unbelievably intense heat.
Following a fabulous full body sear, the inferno eventually settles in my lower back and begins to dissipate
from there.
Of course everything must be removed to allow the heat to escape more quickly, sheets, blankets, sleeping cats, clothing. I don't know how on earth I would handle that in public. I'd be arrested I imagine.
Fine with me. Send me to the cooler. Please!
With all the advanced technology available I don't understand why no one has come up with a means to harness this phenomenon as an alternative natural energy source.
I don't know the exact amount of BTU's I personally generate but lets just say that since this began, my heating bill has gone down considerably.
Favorite weapons of choice, personal fan and misting bottle.
Again, protect these at all cost.
The life you save may be your own.
Keep Your Cool
When Food Attacks
The Inedible Outcome
My husband has always had a sensitive stomach which has steadily gotten worse as he's grown older. Nowadays, just about anything will upset it.For instance the other day I prepared breakfast links for him. He has eaten and enjoyed them without incident, many times in the past.
Evidently this time... it was attempted homicide.
He suffered severe intestinal distress and he requested that I never again serve him those "murder sticks." Murder sticks!
I assured him that had I really wanted to kill him I could think of a lot better way than
slow death by sausage!
But I digress.
My point was, he, is the one with digestive problems.This was never supposed to happen to me. Food never used to be a problem. I could bite anything and it never bit back... until now.
Once you have been initiated into the wonderful world of indigestion, there
is no going back. A little warning might have been in order.
Instead, one day I ate a perfectly innocent seeming meal and for the first time in my life... it retaliated.
That was my introduction to heartburn which feels like an extended esophageal hot flash gone deadly. Some people have mistaken the intense painful misery of heartburn for a heart attack...
Okay... so I won't be doing that again.
Without getting into the personal gory details, there are now many favorite foods
that I can still enjoy... but only in the privacy of my home, where I must remain isolated for a good twenty-four hours after consumption. If only others shared the same selfless concern for their fellow citizens.
Oh the unending betrayal. New items add themselves to the list often.
The most recent is the most devastating. I can barely say the word without tears.
Chocolate! Chocolate whom I have loved and cherished.
Chocolate, my dearest friend, has now turned on me. 'Et tu, Brute?'
I have decided there are things worth suffering for.
I intend to stand valiantly and steadfastly against the assault.
Armed only with Tums I will do battle.
I will eat chocolate. It may kill me, but what a way to go!
Funny Pages
Might as Well Die Laughing
I Leave You With
90 Plus and Fabulous
Life's Odometer: Smiles Per Gallon
- Rachel and Chariot- Video Updates
- GrowingBolder.com
Please Vote
This lens is entered in the Fresh Squid December 2009 contest. If you enjoyed your visit here, please vote.-
Fresh Squid Contest
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As an effort to make newcomers to Squidoo easier to get their way around and become a part of our community here, I started Fresh Squid Group in which all new lensmasters have a chance to get one of their lenses featured as long as they apply to some...
Thank You For Stopping By
Remind Me, Who Are You Again?
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- Kate-Phizackerley Kate-Phizackerley Dec 30, 2009 @ 2:47 pm
- Fun. Blessed by a Squid Angel.
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- pkmcr pkmcr Dec 30, 2009 @ 4:29 am
- A very impressive lens which makes one laught out loud! Blessed by a Squid Angel :-)
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- ftuley ftuley Dec 20, 2009 @ 8:57 pm
- This is really a beautiful page you created,Nicely done! 5*
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- FunGifts4All FunGifts4All Dec 14, 2009 @ 9:17 pm
- This was hilarious. Enjoyed every bit of it!!!
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- JoyfulPamela JoyfulPamela Dec 13, 2009 @ 3:18 pm
- Very funny! Thanks for the giggles!
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- Sylvestermouse Sylvestermouse Dec 13, 2009 @ 1:43 pm
- This is hilariously funny! I really would have been funnier if I could have read it all the way through without having to take the break to avoid the aforementioned "dire consequences"
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- GroovyFinds GroovyFinds Dec 13, 2009 @ 1:00 am
- LOL Fantastic Lens!
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- tonyab tonyab Dec 12, 2009 @ 10:50 am
- This lens is fabulous! Best laugh I've had all day - thanks! =D
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- frances frances Dec 12, 2009 @ 5:54 am
- Humour is definitely the bes approach. Great lens.
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- fotolady49 fotolady49 Dec 11, 2009 @ 2:49 pm
- Great lens....I need some comic relief....I don't like getting old....but I better learn to make the best of it...I bookmarked this and will be back often...lol! 5*
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- paperfacets paperfacets Dec 11, 2009 @ 11:47 am
- Funny and entertaining. I am a Senior Squid. Can you?
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- lou16 lou16 Dec 11, 2009 @ 7:08 am
- Fantastic page, I alternated between nodding and laughing, but life without chocolate hadn't even crossed my mind I'm now absolutely terrified :)
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- divacratus divacratus Dec 11, 2009 @ 4:35 am
- Haha! Crackalacking Funny! :D Loved this lens.
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- sittonbull sittonbull Dec 10, 2009 @ 11:13 pm
- Your sense of humor will carry you through it all... You are (in the vernacular of the 60s) a trip! Loved it all and will share it with my lady who will empathize with every word ... as I did vicariously! Let me add (before it's too late) everyone mistakes her to be 20 years younger than she is... for she continues to be a beautiful woman. If she gets the same gut laugh from this lens that I did, perhaps I can sleep in the Big house tonight! One can only dream! :) Thanks for your visit and comments on my lens!
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- Babitah Babitah Dec 10, 2009 @ 6:01 pm
- Wonderful - thanks for sharing this with us all. FABULOUS!!! I appreciate this lens so much!!! 5*
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- Swagger1 Swagger1 Dec 8, 2009 @ 5:27 pm
- What a great lens. It expresses wisdom and humor. I enjoyed reading it.
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- Ladydove62 Ladydove62 Dec 8, 2009 @ 8:49 am
- What a wonderful and humorous read. Sadly I can relate... even tried the facial gyrations, faithfully I might add. Eventually you become resigned, Great lens!
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- mulberry mulberry Dec 8, 2009 @ 2:31 am
- Loved the humor. You've described it all perfectly and you're absolutely right...all you can do is laugh.
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- LotusPetalYoga LotusPetalYoga Dec 6, 2009 @ 12:50 pm
- this page is hilarious! 5 * from me too :)
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- ChloeComfort ChloeComfort Dec 2, 2009 @ 8:34 am
- OMG - Soooo funny and true (I too feel your pain)! Great lens and it provided the smile to start off my day (and a giggle or two). Kudos!
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- DongMei DongMei Dec 1, 2009 @ 9:26 pm
- I laughed out loud at your lens. Got to love a lens that does that to you. Very nicely done.
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- kimmanleyort kimmanleyort Dec 1, 2009 @ 1:02 pm
- What a funny lens and great images. I loved it and could especially relate to the hairs in the chin and poor eyesight! 5*
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- Winter52 Winter52 Dec 1, 2009 @ 10:29 am
- My daughter just stopped to look over my shoulder and the photo at the top of your page... pink robe and slippers... she said... "that's you, that's you! Guess I had better start getting dressed before I turn on the computer lol!
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- Stazjia Stazjia Dec 1, 2009 @ 4:14 am
- This made me laugh out loud, somewhat ruefully - hot flashes are but a distant memory to me now. Blessed by an Angel.
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- Risa28 Risa28 Nov 30, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
- Refreshing lens. I get so tired of how not to look old information, this is a breath of fresh air. Thanks for making me smile. 5*s
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To everyone for your kind comments. I'm so happy that you enjoyed your visit.
- Thank You Card Courtesy of- Printfree.com
- Thank You Cards, gift wrap, and decorations to Customize and Print.
The Laugh Away group at Squidoo is home to the funniest lenses - click on the laughing man to start yourself laughing. This group is for all lenses related to Humor, Jokes, Funny Pictures, Funny Videos, Amusing Stories etc.
jgelien has been a member since May 24 2009, has rated 762 lenses, favorited 201, and has created 14 lenses from scratch. This member's top-ranked page is "Outdoor Nativity Scenes". See all my lenses
by jgelien
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