The Art of Aging Ungracefully

When I was young I was what used to be poetically referred to as willowy.
At least that's how my mom described me. To the rest of the world I was skinny and not terribly well-endowed.
My mother was an RN and as such wanted to make certain I was aware of the latest methods of of early cancer detection.
She approached me one day with, "If you ever feel anything resembling a lump in your breast, I need you to tell me immediately."
I replied, "If I ever feel a lump resembling a breast, you will be the first to know."

Fast forward to the present. Be careful what you wish for.
I finally have the curves I always wanted... I had just never imagined they'd be on my back.
It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when my body began it's evil treachery.
I know it didn't happen overnight but the daily shock value is the same as
if it had. Every day brings a new horror.

I stepped out of the shower the other day and let out a shriek when I caught a reflection of Mom naked. Wait... that cannot be me!
That stomach! Hadn't I already given birth to that last child twenty-three years ago? Why in the name of Heaven won't the mirror fog up when you really need it to?

Memories of the not so distant past.
I can remember when...
Pulling on a pair of pantyhose wasn't an Olympic sport (and yes, some
people still wear them).
The only gray was in my eyes.
The only facial hair I had was my eyebrows.
The only brown spots on my body were freckles.
Laugh lines didn't permanently remain after the laughter had stopped.
My earlobes did not have a crease in them. What the heck is that all about?
My cheeks hadn't formed an unholy union with gravitational pull.
The word chin was singular.
I could sleep till morning without side trips.
I could laugh or sneeze without dire consequences.
I can remember when I could still remember.

I force myself to find a bright spot every day.Today I woke up wrinkle free!
Nothing firms and smooths the skin quite like full body swelling.