When Being 50 Ain't So Nifty

Sometimes you just can't escape the fact that your body is 50 years old (in my case, 55 years and 9 months to be more exact). I'm in the Wal-Mart vision center ordering contacts for my daughter while at the same time I'm checking out the progressive lenses for myself. What the hell?! What is a young man like me doing squinting at the price of progressive lenses?

I'm not fooled by the name change. Progressive lenses used to be called bifocals minus that tell-tale line. I guess the word progressive is supposed to make me feel more hip and less old. Truth be told, when at 42 I couldn't thread a needle no matter how hard I tried, I had to admit that growing older wasn't going to be all fun and games.

That little incident and many similar ones got me to thinking about what it means to me to be over a half a century old. What are the upsides and what are the downsides? What has been lost, what has been gained? I can only speak from the perspective of being a man but I'm pretty sure both men and women have a lot of things in common when they hit their 50's.

Overall it feels PRETTY DAMN AWESOME being my age. 'Sides what the hell should 55 feel like anyways?! Isn't 50 suppose to be the new 40? Of course this thinking comes with a boatload of caveats. That being said however, I don't mind being over 50 at all. This doesn't mean that being over 50 is not with its downsides (like having of reading glasses within easy reach at all times).

I thought I'd list some of the things I find that are "not cool" and that are "way cool" about being 50+ years old. Again, this is from my field of vision as a man. If you don't agree with my list go make your own. These are in no particular order of importance.

Not Cool
- Your eyes go to hell and you need "THE READERS".
Vision loss can start at any age but unless you have been kissed by God, by age 50 you will be reaching for " THE READERS." Or, you will be squinting at the prices of the progressive lenses at Wal-Mart. If you don't need them by 50, you're one lucky bastard!



- You're forced to sport the chrome dome.
Please don't be doing the comb over I beg you. Let's get this straight. I'm bald because I CHOOSE to shave my head. I like the no fuss look and I'm told it looks pretty sexy. OK, so my hairline has receded a bit but I can still grow an afro dammit!

But, for most men 50 and beyond, balding is a fact of life. This sucks because having a full head of hair is still associated with virility. My suggestion guys, if you have a nicely shaped head (no scary scars, bumps or craters) grab the razor and go for it. Maybe, you'll look sexy like me, heh heh.



- You start growing man titties and a giant belly.
This I will never let happen to me but I see it all the time on guys my age. Here's the thing: eat like crap, drink like a fish and lie around on your lazy butt and you will grow a big fat belly and probably some man titties. I don't know any women who are turned on by huge bellies and man titties.



- You have aches and pains that come out of nowhere.
I'm doing squats at the gym the other day and sumbitch, out of nowhere, my left knee starts to hurt. A couple of minutes later it's gone. Just like that. These annoying aches and pains strike out of nowhere and piss me off! Sometimes they hit my back, lay siege to my elbows or take refuge in my neck. They suck BIG time.

I don't remember this happening in my 20's but then again, there's a lot I don't remember about my 20's. But, I figure that if all I have to complain about physically is the occasional ache or minor pain, I'm doing ok.



- You tire more easily and napping feels so, so good.
I remember when I could work all day, party like a rock star at night and be good to go the next day on only a few hours sleep. Even I have to admit those days are pretty much gone.

If I'm up late dancing, playing with my band or watching a great movie, I'm ok. Otherwise come about 10pm, I'm ready to hit the sack. Let me proclaim here-naps are where it's at. My wife isn't much of a napper but I love 'em. After my 45 minute drive home from work I'm looking for my bed.

I'm up most mornings by 5am and should be in bed by 9pm but never seem to be able to lie down that early. I'm trying to get to bed earlier because I definitely feel better when I do.



- The pounds come on easy but go away hard.
Can't believe that at one time my lunch consisted of 2 nasty convenience store sandwiches, a Hostess lemon pie and a king sized Slurrpie (your basic frozen, colored, chemically flavored, sugar water). Stomach full and no weight gained, Yeah!!

It's adios to those days. Now it's all about portion sizes and trying to still fit in my size 30 waist pants. Why can't I drink a bottle of wine every night without going up another pant size? Shouldn't my reward for living this damn long be that I can eat and drink as much as I want without expanding my waist?

Well, I guess that's why God gave us veggies and water but I have to admit that lemon pie and red wine run a very close second.



- 50's real old to younger women.
You men my age know what I'm talking about. This realization is truly a big blow to the male ego 'tho we won't voice it. We want to believe that "ALL WOMEN" find us shockingly handsome and sexy. It doesn't matter if we're toothless and 100. Nothing less will suffice damn it all.

When a younger woman smiles at us old timers in the organic produce aisle, is it a smile of sympathy for the loss of our youthful swagger and vigor? Are they being cruel with what we hope is their come on? Are we left to knock ourselves out in the gym, buy Viagra or join a band? I blame it all guys like Brad Pitt. Watch out Mr. Pitt your day of realization is coming.

I think I'll stop here lest you think I hate being over 50. Like I said earlier, I do enjoy being my age. I guess I just felt like venting a little. So what's "not cool" in your opinion about being 50 or older? I'd love to hear from you. In my next post I will note things I find are "cool" about being 50+ years old. Stay tuned.