Air Travel Memoirs

Some people like to be noticed when they travel. Some like to dress in their finery; some to dress down. Some flyers can be very arrogant and demanding.Some are just downright obnoxious. But it doesn't matter what they are like nor how much they pay for a ticket, or which or what privileged seat they settle in.
They are still human, have the same metabolism problems as everyone else, and above all, they are all totally and irrevocably void of any control whatsoever over their destiny.

From the moment they take off, to the moment they land, and the thousands of miles in-between airports, and the 30,000 feet of space beneath them, their lives throughout belong to the ability of an aircraft and the skill of its crew.

I discovered several years ago that as the occupant of the economy seat, I was also the most important person on the plane.

Yes, it could fly without me, but it wouldn't survive without me. In the absence of sardines squashed in steerage the airline wouldn't exist. The whales in the oceans survive because of the plankton. Similarly those select few in the upper tiers of a plane count on the shoal, but anyone who is prepared to pay ten times the standard fare (and believe me, that's not very many) deserves a little toilet bag with designer label goodies, free champagne and some extra leg room.

It's either that or they have their own Airbus. These folks did have Concorde once, but even then they were insufficient to keep the beautiful bird flying.

Being a frequent air traveller, I've had many experiences, and picked up many tips along the way. For one thing I travel light - very light.

I rarely ever check in any luggage. I almost always ship a case to my destination six weeks before I'm due. It costs about £120 for a 10 cubic feet tea chest and its money well spent. Remember shipping is done by volume and not weight, so it doesn't matter how heavy some of your items are.

Also consider when was the last time you heard about a luggage lost at sea? Though how often do you hear about luggage disappearing at airports or in transit?

This method is only actually practical if you have a second home or a friend or relative to send it to, and also if you're not bothered about leaving your goods behind when you return. Of course, you could ship them back again, but they will arrive long after.Business flyers shouldn't be checking in luggage. For one thing it slows them down. Their hand carry should be enough for them, and if they can afford to fly business class, then they can certainly afford to pick up any emergency items when they arrive.

Supposing you don't fall into either of the above and you're spending a regular holiday in a hotel?

Increasing numbers of travellers are opting to use a luggage delivery service. They guarantee a hitch-free experience for your baggage. The other obvious benefit is not having to hang around interminably waiting for that last suitcase to appear on the carousel! Imagine the pleasure of just sailing through the airport, hassle free!

The drawback is it's not always cheap. It's all subject to where you are travelling to and the weight of the luggage.

Domestic routes within the USA are quite reasonable, but a 22kg suitcase from the UK to the US for example can cost about £200, double on the return. But you have to way up the cost with peace of mind. Shipping is always the better option, it just takes longer.

Increasing numbers of people are choosing to hold their weddings in warmer climates. If they're spending at least £20,000 on it, how astonishing that they then entrust their wedding clothes and trimmings to the baggage staff of their airline.

Having observed the way airlines treat there customers baggage, I'm surprised anyone would even entrust a toothbrush to them.

Let's suppose you have lost your luggage. It could be anywhere in the world but the chances are it's piled up in some huge warehouse, where the task of searching for it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Secondly, after twelve weeks the airlines, which have considerable shortcomings in their duty in this area, are at liberty to auction off your property quite legally.

It's quite common for them to send them to auction long before that. Lost luggage can be purchased from anywhere between £8 and £50. There is no shortage of buyers, and many people make a substantial income from it.

They never know what they have until after purchase, then they open up the suitcases and sift through for valuables.

It's a lottery what they find. It could be a pile of dirty laundry, or some highly valuable goods, but the fact is that they almost all know to whom the luggage belongs. Amazingly many suitcases have the address labels of their owners still attached to them.

If they had any decency they would return it to their previous (and rightful, moral) owner. No chance! The next thing you will know about it is when you see something you recognise advertised on eBay or at some car-boot sale.

I find these auctions despicable, the buyers immoral, and accuse the airlines of contempt in their acquiescence.

Thanks is given to many Squidoo lensmasters who have offered some of their experiences. Before moving on to them, I'd like to introduce the topic with an early one of my own....

I first arrived in the Philippines in 1982. Ferdinand Marcos was in power. He was the absolute dictator. At the time I wasn't much interested in politics, I had too many other distractions. All I knew was that I'd been married for three years and my wife reached the conclusion that I should visit her country.

With a two year old daughter in tow, I set out to begin the greatest adventure of my life, and that adventure continues today. On that first flight, there was no personal entertainment system built into the seat, there were no drop down tv's from the ceiling. There was only one big screen in front of the middle row, and below that, on a shelf, the babies in their cots lay.

Our little girl couldn't understand that every time she stood up she would suddenly become part of the movie, nor did she know that when she cried during that 24 hour flight (incorporating 3 take-offs and 3 landings), she would frustrate the other passengers around her. That length of flight is enough to bring anyone to tears, and there were certainly plenty of those in evidence.

We were young parents, but somewhat exhausted. It was a British Airways flight, and half way through it the stewardess asked if we would like to be moved up to first class as there were some spare seats.

She was an angel in the sky. I've been on many a flight where the derogative term "trolly-dolly" fits to a tee, but there really are some genuine angels up there, in some plane, over some country, at this very moment. You just need the luck to be on it.

Anyway, here are some more memoirs....

Emirates, a highly regarded airline and very comfortable, carried me one time to Dubai. The weather was atrocious. Circling over the city, with dips and rises for about 50 minutes, the pilot decided to reassure his passengers: "We're just waiting for a window on the weather, but don't worry, we've still got 15 minutes of fuel left!"

I purchased a fantastic telescope once, from one of those many shopping channels that are riddling the airwaves on the television. It was a real super-duper model with all the trimmings and fantastic tripod at a superb price. It was my plan to take it to the Philippines where I knew that the sky at night was unrivalled.

I'd wrapped it well, and fortunately picked it up from the carousel at Manila with no problems. However, passing through customs was to prove difficult. Upon being asked the contents of my box and replying that it was a telescope, I was viewed with utmost suspicion.

It was clear that this sort of item was not very common. I opened it, somewhat unwillingly, to show them - but it had been so well packed, that all the bits looked rather technical. After some consultation they pursued the line of questioning "A telescope? Why do you want a telescope?" I resisted the foolish urge to say that I was a spy, but as it happened that's exactly what they were driving at. It was clear to them that this instrument was to be used for nefarious espionage practices.

Well, I wasn't concerned about proving my credentials, but I was worried about losing my telescope, which had accompanied me on a journey of 7000 miles. In a flash of inspiration I said that this telescope was in fact a donation to the local school near where I live! My goodness, their sour faces began to beam with delight, so after submitting an entry fee for it, they then asked for the address of the school. Fortunately I knew it, but I wasn't prepared for the suggestion that they would arrange the delivery!

About a week later I was sitting on my veranda discussing this very matter and rueing the thought of never seeing my beloved telescope again, when unexpectedly a party of schoolchildren appeared accompanied by their teachers. Their gratitude was immense, offering thanks for the wonderful gift that I had bestowed upon them.

I hear that the Astronomy classes are very popular indeed!

On my travels when I was touring the world I always used to walk where I wanted to at Airports. This came to a head in Munich when a policemen wanted to blow me away. As being deaf I couldn't hear him threatening me with "hello! hello!"

Luckily my hearing pals managed to persuade him to hold fire, ran to get me and haul me back, whilst I was busy bleating about the injustice of it all - to no Avail. "I hope you learned your lesson Spook 'cos next time it happens we will let them shoot you, you imbecile."

On another occassion travelling back from Greece on a South African Airways jumbo, the plane ran into technical problems and had to make a forced landing.

Unfortunately the closest airport was Lisbon which was closed to traffic due to inclement weather. However the pilot had no option but to try and land there.

It was frightening to say the least, and there was much praying loudly going on. This reached a crescendo when just prior to touchdown my friend glanced out the window and excitedly said "look at all the fire-engines! Look at all the fire-engines!"

I was flown home in a Lear Jet from Athens. I would have enjoyed the experience even more if it was not for the fact that it was an air ambulance as a result of my (then) husband having been wrongly diagnosed as having had a heart attack a week before.

Coming back from Papua New Guinea to Singapore they wouldn't let me bring a carry on item on board. It was a dancing spear - a carved wooden one, with the point even blunter than my thumb. Certainly not designed as a weapon, but what is more it was in 2 pieces and heavily bubble wrapped to protect it! Fortunately it survived being stowed away.

On a flight ffrom Rio De Janeiro to Madrid another passenger two rows back wanted to sleep, so he put a white handkerchief over his face and then his spectacles over the top. He looked like the invisible man, it was hilarious!

I travelled on a plane from Chicago O'Hare to South Bend in the same seat, same flight, as a passenger who had just a week before had almost got sucked out of the plane when the rear door blew off!

More from Poddys later

Aer Lingus is an airline I have used once. I availed myself with a good offer on a flight to Baltimore from London City Airport - this is not Heathrow, it is the city airport.

I was led to believe that from there we would fly to Dublin, and after a short stop carry straight on to the US. How wrong I was.

There was no mention that after Dublin, we would then land at Shannon, 130 miles away, and then effectively be submitted to the full rigours of US immigration.

When I finally handed my passport to enter "US" territory, (at Shannon) the official remarked that I was looking somewhat agitated. "Agitated" I bellowed, "I flew from London eight hours ago, and I'm still in bloody Ireland!".

Across the Atlantic, I was offered dinner. "Beef or Chicken" the cabin attendant asked. "Chicken" I replied. "Sorry. We've only got beef".
"Then why did you ask" I said, cynically.
"Well we like to offer a choice" she said as if she was doing me a favour.

The return journey was no better. I still landed at Shannon again, and then appeared to step back in time onto a 1950's twin-prop to Dublin. Breakfast was a glass of orange juice. On the approach to the runway, the plane suddenly veered back into the air - a truck driver had decided to trundle smack into our path. I did finally get back to London - but will I ever travel on the Irish national carrier again? Silly question!

I've had similar experiences with RyanAir to Rome.
Given the choice, I'd rather fly Aeroflot with my thumbs screwed to the armrests!

My modest story carries a bit of a warning. In 1985, my daughter was 2 1/2. My family was flying from Montana to Minnesota for my youngest brother's wedding.

My dad likes to fly in chartered jets, so that's what we did, with ten of us piling into this rather smallish jet. My mom advised me to give my daughter Dramamine because it would make her sleepy and she'd be quiet on the whole flight. Concerned about my crotchety father, I allowed myself to be talked into drugging my child (bad mom!).

It turns out, Dramamine for some people has the opposite effect. Instead of becoming sleepy, my daughter seemed like she was on speed! She literally buzzed at the speed of light all over the plane (I swear she was on the ceiling at times) for 4 hours. It took almost 3 days for it to work out of her system.

During that time she ran amok in the hotel room. It got so bad that the owner of the hotel accused us of having the bachelor party in the room. For some reason he didn't believe us when we said it was just a two year old!

Another time my brother, at that wonderful teenager phase when everything embarrasses you, got to experience the joy of a bag bursting open on the carousel.

He hopped all over it recovering underwear in front of a very amused crowd...nowadays of course, our intimate apparel is just pawed through by the search squad.

Ever since 9-11 all travellers have needed the patience of Job. Sadly, but necessarily it has made the travel experience all the worse.

Two months prior to those horrific events, security at Manila was just as efficient as always. I am always very conscious of ensuring that my children's bags were properly checked as they had a habit of accepting gifts from cousins which were not ideally suited to checking in.

On this occasion I discovered I had been careless to the point of negligent. The checked in baggage went smoothly, but at the first security check-point, the carry-on bags were scanned. "Do you know you have a gun in one of your bags sir", said the calm official. "A gun! Surely not!" I replied with bemusement. Within seconds I was surrounded by three heavily armed guards. The offending item was removed, and fondled rather impressively by one of them.

It was obviously a toy gun (although surprisingly realistic), and the good willed staff offered to secure it separately so I could collect it when landing back at Heathrow. I politely declined - the last thing I wanted was to be bothered with hunting the thing down when I disembarked.

As the guard was much impressed with it, I told him he could keep it as a present for his son, which he accepted gratefully. My own son, 10 years old at the time, was getting a tongue lashing from his irate dad. He told me one of his friends had shoved it through the window of the vehicle just as we were leaving for the airport. "Well I hope you haven't any more surprises in store for me" I snapped.

Some time further on towards the gate we approached another check-point. "Do you know you have a catapult in your bag sir?" Well, you can guess the rest. This time they plastered it with about five feet of packing tape until it looked like a small brick before returning it to me. By this time they must have thought they had a mini -terrorist on there hands in the shape of my little "cherub".

The final indignity came just prior to boarding. The little tyke also had a small ball in his bag. This was promptly deflated with a pin by a most glum official.

I had mentally replaced that ball in my mind in the form of a voodoo doll, and could feel the prick stabbing my heart as it slowly hissed! Why all this had not been picked up in the beginning I know not, and I accept all the responsibility for it, but it stands testament to the excellent security at Manila and the good and agreeable nature of the officials.

After boarding the plane, a member of cabin crew approached me and established my name. Coincidence? I think they were making sure they knew where I was! I turned to my wife muttering gibberish "I'm a marked man!" I said.

Had this happened anywhere else or shortly after the twin-tower attacks, then it's possible I could be writing this incarcerated in some sleazy prison whilst still protesting my innocence!

Since then excessive security is the norm and a fact of life. Nowadays we have to remove garments of clothing, mainly belts and shoes when we go through security. We should all be relieved that the shoe bomber Richard Reid is not known as the "Underwear Bomber"!

The luggage story reminded me of several years ago when my cousin went to visit her sister in New Zealand for 3 months.

Shortly before they came back to England, the carry on baggage allowances were greatly reduced, and almost everyone at Auckland airport had not been prepared for this, so there were hundreds of people fighting to put on smaller carry-on bags, plus they had to leave stuff behind to be shipped back to England!

On the way back from Suriname(South America) to Amsterdam via Aruba with KLM, the plane sat on the tarmac in Aruba for an hour with us on board before taking off again.

Outside my window I could see several engineers looking at the side of the plane, one of them studying a blueprint and looking very puzzled. I believe he was actually scratching his head. Not a comforting thought when you are just about to cross the Atlantic! Well the flight did go ok finally...


I'd just bought some new luggage, having had fall-out problems last year. Well not the contents falling out, but one of those stitches that comes undone and keeps on going when you pull the thread...

A number of times I have seen a bag on the conveyor with the contents strewn all over the place - clothing, underwear and other things...I never ever want that to be ME!

I was lucky - got my bag 50% off and then another 10%. It might have cost $20 more than a cheap bag (which weren't on sale by the way), but I at least have a 15 year warranty on this one. So if the airline destroys the bag or if it just falls apart, I should be able to get it repaired or replaced.

One more from Poddy's still to come!

One time when I was travelling on Philippine Airlines, we experienced severe turbulance just prior to landing at Manila. It was soon after the Olympics, and my nearby passengers were the Philippines Boxing Team.

When the trouble started they all started praying and fondling their rosaries. The plane landed with a bump and immediately bounced back off the ground. The oxygen masks fell down and the athletes were most distressed.

My then teenage daughter, who was travelling with me, grabbed my arm, raised her eyebrows, and looked horrified. I was about to offer brave comfort "Don't worry girl, everything will be fine", when she pre-empted me. Disgusted she said, "Did any of those guys win a medal!"
She made me proud!

When I was on a flight from San Diego to Boston, the new carry on luggage limits were being strictly enforced, and passengers were being required to check all carry on bags over two.

It was a new rule, so people weren't prepared, and several people had to go back to check their bags. This one passenger decides he's going to call out another passenger who has more than 2 bags with him. The ironic part is that this guy also had more than 2 bags!

The stewardess instructs the man (that was called out) that he must check his extra luggage, but apparently he put up such a stink that they somehow found the room in the cabin.

Afterwards, the guy who almost had to check his luggage turns around and starts yelling at the guy who snitched on him. These guys are about 6 rows apart.

They exchange threats, the stewardess tells them to stop. The plane takes off, and 20 minutes into the flight, the guy 6 rows ahead won't stop staring at the other guy. The guy 6 rows ahead screams out "I'm gonna kick your f$%*ing @ss!", and starts to get up.
The stewardess tells them to stop. Another 20 minutes go by, and they start yelling at each other again! The stewardess then storms over and says "stop acting like babies or we're landing this plane right now" (she looked like she meant it). The entire plane goes into a sea of uproar like "are you kidding me?" "you guys shut the hell up!" and "you idiots!"

They were silent the rest of the flight, and upon landing, the guy 6 rows ahead took off like a race horse out of the plane!

I just remembered another story about flying...

I bought this cheap piece of luggage from a discount store, it was a no name brand and obviously wasn't built to last. I had it for only about a year, but the zipper wouldn't stay shut, and my clothes kept falling out.

I bought a new piece of luggage on one particular trip, and took the old luggage back and just checked it empty. Apparently, it was just in time.

After we landed, the luggage carousel made the rounds, and everyone was waiting for their luggage and out comes this mangled, beat up piece of luggage that looked like it was taken on a diving expedition, attacked by sharks on a feeding frenzy, and steamrolled (was it run over on the runway a few times??).

The front was completely open revealing nothing inside. Everyone looked at it with mouths agape thinking all of the contents had fallen out. A lady came up to me and said "I'm so sorry about that..." I wanted to get out of there, so I just said, "oh, thanks!"

The moral of the story? You get what you pay for!

My story is about a flight I took from Bremen in Germany to Luton, England in March 2007.

It was a midnight flight with Easyjet and the captain actually gave an audience to the passengers prior to takeoff, something I have never seen before or since.

Towards the end of the audience the captain advised that the weather in the UK was absolutely terrible so the landing maybe slightly bumpy. The flight went without a hitch until we came to landing, the UK weather was worse than the captain had said as there was a thick fog, terrible winds and rain that was lashing sideways.

As we came in to land the wings looked like they were flapping like the wings of a bird and the plane was moving from side to side due to the wind, everyone was gripping their seats and looking at each other very nervously. Lights in the plane were flickering on and off as we neared the last few metres before touching down.

As we touched down a huge sigh of relief came not only from the passengers but from the plane itself as the wings began to relax and resume a more normal stationary position.

The captain came over the speakers and advised of the landing and all passengers were applauding his efforts and shouting three cheers. I think many passengers thought that flight was going to be their last!

On the same route from O'Hare to South Bend but at another time, I had the weirdest experience.It was in 1994, only a few months after I had moved to the USA. I boarded the flight late as my connection from Miami was delayed and I had to run through the terminals to make the flight.

I was in the back row, and had to get the person in the aisle seat to move to let me get my window seat. He picked up on my accent, and we got chatting. He lived close to South Bend, which if you don't know, is a small town in Indiana, midwest USA - 90 miles east of Chicago. Well, he said that he took his wife to England on vacation the previous summer, and they didn't do the usual tourist thing, they set off exploring, and ended up in a lovely seaside town. Did I know it, Bournemouth?

Well of course - I was born there....we continued chatting, and he said that they made a good friend there - a charming Spanish gentleman who was manager at the conference centre there. "Oh, what was his name?" The guy couldn't remember... "Louis Candell?" I enquired. "Yes that's him!" he responded.

Well, there aren't too many Spanish people managing places in Bournemouth, and I was right on who it was. Even though this was 1994 I still remembered the name of the person who was manager of the Bournemouth Pavilion where I used to work when I was at high school in the early 1970's, yet here I am talking to someone about him in the air over Lake Michigan more than 20 years later...