Alcoholism ~ My Journey of Sobriety

You change your life by changing your heart.

Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.
It is the belief that God will do what is right.
- Max Lucado

I read these quotes this morning and at a time I needed to hear these very words.

One of God's reminders, as I like to call it, which He regularly blesses us all with...when we are open to them :)

At that moment I reflected on the influence the content of what I hold in my heart effects who I am and how much it has changed during sobriety.

The feelings and emotions we hold onto communicate to others the character of our being.
How we react, what we say and how we say it, all the way down to our body language and the looks we display on our faces.

I no longer fake happiness...true happiness and gratitude overflow my identity.

To permeate our hearts with bitterness, anger and resentment is a sure bet we will project a cantankerous disposition.
As we give consent the negative qualities will flow through the damage it creates and we begin to replenish our temperment with gentleness, uncovering a peacefulness within...
Allowing the details causing our pain, feeling all the emotions that go along with the hurt is an awe-inspiring moment in time...
It opens the door for God to do what our heart certainly knows was right all along.
This practice of faith is liberating.

Do you long for love, for a family, for something normal in this methodical world? I crave inner peace...
A woman trapped inside the heart and mind of a child. How does one wind up here? Cunning, baffling, powerful!
Alcoholism keeps us trapped; our mental growth comes to a halt, resting in a time and place from long ago.
This reality brings clarity to the events of my life...
The disappointments and broken hearts brought ease in not trusting or allowing anyone in.
If another invaded this territory I pushed them away or cut them off entirely.
How in the world can one find love, family or anything close to normal with this thought process?
Lord, have mercy! 33 years of insanity had taken it's toll. I GIVE!!
Sobriety brought opportunity for growth, positive and better choices.
My inner being finally became parallel with the age of my body.
I place no blame only acceptance; leaving chance only to expand all of what I am becoming.
I know I will do my best to follow God's grace - when I read this scripture I FEEL every word...indeed He has turned my wailing into dancing.

Psalm 30
1 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
3 You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit.

4 Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
7 LORD, when you favored me, you made my royal mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.

8 To you, LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 "What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD, be my help."

11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Romans 7:18 ~
I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Pleasantry enlightens me as I confess to God - "I am broken".

I muse He may be humored as I humble myself into submission
Trusting God fully, without regard, of the uncertainty to where this journey will lead.

Complete abandonment to the old way of thinking; Allowance to move forth as I invade this reality.
However unfamiliar exploring this arena its peace and serenity I welcome.

Without delay all barriers break free, the anchors of willingness hold tight.

Knowing God will not lead me astray...Reconditioning and healing my soul.
He nourishes my faith and rekindles His Spirit within mine.

As the battle clashes back and forth I have found the only way out of my own head is to focus on prayer and meditation or in going to the aid of another. Welcoming freedom from the torture inside. I have this intolerable thorn I fear may linger too long for me to cope. Provoking me systematically. The thought haunts me.
Have you known someone whom would never admit fault, nor have compassion to refrain from saying an unpleasant and painful word, much less tell the truth if in order to save their own life? With each repulsive dispraise; for every "I am better than you" rant I become better at developing spiritual discipline. The actions and behaviors of another carry the power of restoring my own spirit. God will never give me more than I can handle, to this I hold no doubt. Although at times I fall to my knees praying "No more please, I don't know how much more my soul will bare" - God's Word tells me to be patient, I am maturing every day. Everything on earth has its own time and its own season (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
~ I refuse to allow anyone to break me...I have God's favor, He is my defender ~ I will turn to Him always and continue devoting my life and hope all who surround me are witness to His promise...Habakkuk 2:3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
Seek to be nothing less than exceptional ~

~ 1 Timothy 4 ~
1 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.
2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth.
4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,
5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
6 If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed.
7 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly.
8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
9 This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance.
10 That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe.
11 Command and teach these things.
12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
13 Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching.
14 Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.
15 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.
16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1. Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." - Matthew 5:3

2. Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

3. Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.
"Happy are the meek." - Matthew 5:5

4. Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8

5. Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." - Matthew 5:6

6. Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
"Happy are the merciful." - Matthew 5:7
"Happy are the peacemakers." - Matthew 5:9

7. Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.

8. Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good News to others, both by my example and by my words.
"Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires." - Matthew 5:10

I discovered Celebrate Recovery "accidently" in a church I began attending in early recovery. Church has become most beneficial to me. I am not against AA by NO MEANS but in recovery have learned this path to be best for me. I use AA's teachings as well as christian beliefs and read my Bible DAILY as guidelines for my life today. AA is a wonderful program, it has SAVED millions from self destruction. What I found there greatly helped me get started on my journey of sobriety.
For me, Jesus Christ and people who base their lives around Him want and most of them try to put their "personal agenda's aside". My preference is to surround myself with others wanting the best possible life. So if you are struggling for WHATEVER reason I strongly suggest giving this program a try before throwing in the towel or giving up all together! It not only helps with addiction, it helps with ALL problems we encounter as humans on this earth.
"Celebrate Recovery", created by Pastor John Baker - Christ centered recovery is used by many churches all over this country.

I am reminded often of active alcoholism. I welcome these "eye openers" with open arms.

It saddens and humbles me to hear another alcoholic say things like, "I don't have a problem" ~ "I have it under control" ~ "I need to limit myself to a couple" ~ "Man, I drank too much last night, next time I won't drink so much"...

Gratitude flows through me as I remember my own proclamations quite well. The agonizing peice of this puzzle is watching someone we care about go through the self denial; yet knowing it's best to keep quiet. I too would of taken the head off of anyone that dare tell me I needed help or that I had a problem...unfortunately this is the truth of alcoholism. The addict must find their own way to recovery, everyone has their "own" rock bottom.

SELF DELUSION is overpowering. The alcohol and/or drug has the ultimate power. We, mere mortals, are insignificant to the disease.

Our minds convince us "we are just going through a tough time" ~ "this too shall pass" ~ "the black cloud will leave soon"... when in fact deep inside I knew it was never going to get better if I didn't change things; Afflicted in my irrefutable truth.
If I continued on the destructive journey the end may be closer than I imagined all the while I secretly prayed to not live in my misery forever.

God and Alcoholics Anonymous are my champion's...He surrounded me with the angels I am grateful to have in my life today, I KNOW I would not be where I am if not for their guidance and teachings.

My camouflaged despair and many prayers paid off; God heard my every word. He led me away from the company I had fallen too. Away from the place I no longer wanted to be...and for this I am blessed.

After dinner my daughter and I took a little stroll. After a stressful day it was just what the "doctor" ordered. Dr. God, that is...

Grateful to witness her intelligence, astonished at how fast she is growing. Aged beyond her years...sometimes I forget just how young she is.

My girls are amazing; beautiful from the inside out.
The teenage years are upon us, Lord give me counsel as I am sure I will need it; YOU have blessed us in many ways.

Humbleness soaks every pore, as we broadcast our deep seeded feelings.

As she acquainted me with her pain. Reaching out and exposing all of herself. No longer able to lay in wait for what may come next. Distaste for the disease surrounds her as we continue on our short journey. I'm grateful this turmoil isn't due to my alcoholism; for this all applause belongs to God.

Given the perfect opportunity to explain alcoholism and apologize for some of my past choices and actions, one on one with her.
With unconditional love..."It's ok Mom, I am so glad you stopped, our life is so much better and different now".

This must be God's way of showing me which direction to turn. Answers to many prayers I've layed before Him.
Addiction burns everyone it touches, especially children of two alcoholic parents.

Distress, irritation, anguish and affliction engulf me, as I listen to her current disfunction and quietly ask God to show me the way.
No judgement for I too have been on that path, I seek only the best solution.

Hearing her voice crack and watching tears saturate her eyes as she blinks them away, is not an easy task as I drive my own sadness away I must be strong, this isn't about my suffering for her.

As I replay the coversation my heart is affected by all of her sorrow.
Proud to comfort and guide as God intended.
I secretly vow to do all in my power making all wrongs in this situation right.

I pray for the insanity to subside; for her sister to not bury the feelings for long.
As I know it to be an unhealthy path to follow...ignoring the scars are devastating at best.

I believe with all my heart that their suffering will soon end and a season of pure healing will take over.
God will consort with us every step of the way.

Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

Fear is paralizing...causing us to advert to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act. I am accountable for crossing the bridge of despair into unknown territory otherwise there lies the threat of becoming stagnant; leaving no allowance for reconditioning my behaviors...delaying my growth and bypassing opportunities to conquer the suspicion. Overpowering many fears in recent months has brought such tranquility. A calming exisitance in a world where there were none.
Today is spent focusing on facing my fear, however trivial it my be, never allowing admittance for long. The longer it hides within the threat of loitering takes over. I fancy to live with joy and inner peace; no admission to fear permitted inside this soul. Truth be told my choice for today, tomorrow and the days to come is to subdue the burden of my own intimidations.

LIFE is a blessing from God.
Years spent under the influence of some type of vice brought me to ruin.
By the grace of God, I am clean and sober...My soul is free.
The bitterness and resentment no longer rule. This spirit is filled with love and gratitude.
God and family engross my life, priorities evolved. No vision of making it this far.
Thank You Jesus for rescuing me from the depths of my darkness.
I owe my life and all grace I'm adorn with to You.
Not a morning passes without praise to You for the wonderful transformations of this lost spirit.
Spiritual Blessings from God above.

These are the very laws of living which have saved me from self desctruction. I do my best to live this daily and I thank God for leading me on this journey.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Copyright
A.A. World Services, Inc.
Rev.5/9/02

I remember when my sponsor told me I had to recite this prayer in front of our Tuesday night group meeting. Can you say "deer in the headlights"? Well I did it...although not perfectly but I got through it just fine. Looking back on how terrified I was...now it was/is NO BIG DEAL. Several others before me had to do the same thing. I am not all that special after all - The message? Whatever fear is holding you back, NEVER allow it to rob you of a meaningful, joyful, sober and spiritual life. If you allow fear of losing "friends" (drinking buddies), or the thought of never drinking again (it's only one day at a time), or of never being around people who do drink (normally), or that no one will want to be around me if I don't drink...You are selling yourself short because the drinking buddies are not your real friends, if you think of it day to day you'll get through, the day will come when you are comfortable around people who drink normally and the ones who don't drink normally you won't want to be around and the true friends who severed ties because they couldn't bear to watch you drink yourself to death will be by your side and new friends and others who REALLY care about YOU will fill that "void"! The life of an alcoholic is far better sober than one might ever imagine. And if you decide it's not for you, well you can go back to all the misery at any given point in time. I have NO DESIRE to turn back to that life nor do I want to die doing it. So for today I will remain sober, set a good example for my children, love and be loved by those that mean the most and remain in contact with God. Life is SWEEEEEET!
3rd Step Prayer~
God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
AMEN

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen

Alcoholics Anonymous pp.76, Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Eleventh Step Prayer Of St.Francis

"Lord make me a channel of thy peace --
That where there is hatred, I may bring love --
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness --
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony --
That where there is error, I may bring truth --
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith --
That where there is despair, I may bring hope --
That where there are shadows, I may bring light --
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted --
To understand, than to be understood --
To love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life...

AMEN

de·ni·al ~
1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor's denial of his country; Peter's denial of Christ.

Are you living in denial? I once was...it seemed the longer I lived in denial the greater it became.
Admitting and facing my it is an imperative requirement if I expect to excel in this survival of the fittest.
I am "as sick as my secrets"...
When I completely turned my will over to God, allowing Him to run the show, I began to heal.
As I stepped into God's unconditional love and grace my life began to evolve and flow with His mercy.
The more honest I became (and remain) the more grace He showers upon me. God's light will always shine on our truth. Opening my mind and heart to Him set the stage for a new and better life.

Before I turned my life over to God I began reading the Bible. It was my way of reaching out, I was desparate and miserable and knew I needed His help if I were to have any chance of living again. I read this scripture MANY times and would sob...
Now as I read it I SMILE! He has set me free.

Psalm 142

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

Isaiah 43:25-26 I, even I, am He Who blots out and cancels your transgressions, for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us plead and argue together. Set forth your case, that you may be justified. ~
Forgiveness is to allow healing in your own heart. First we must forgive ourselves, then those whom we hold resentments toward. ~ This is a MUST in recovery! We must leave the past behind us. Sure we have to face the issues which brought us to recovery in the first place but then allow it to be in our past. LET IT GO! Some I've met in the rooms tend to hold onto it...it ususally makes for a tragic ending. One will find the drink, the drug and go back to the addiction that is killing them...some die. Do not hate yourself or others who've harmed you. ACCEPT it for it's value. There is a reason, usually a lesson to be learned. Ask God to forgive you and spend your days focused on doing the next right thing. It's amazing how something this simple can allow us to live in peace and with serenity. It's not rocket science, the alcoholic just makes is seem as though it is...so the next time you find yourself full of hate remember to go eat a cupcake.

To handle or use, especially with some skill, in a process or action.
To negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously.
To falsify for one's own advantage.

It bewilders me how someone enjoys being manipulative; cold; calculated; broods well thought plans of enticement to get a reaction from another for the sole benefit to feel more worthy or justified in an agenda - for pure enjoyment; all for the sake of SELF worth or the ultimate control of another. In the depths of alcoholism we all manipulate at some point to gain what we are seeking. Some are more delusional and evil than most.

What kind of person knows and admits this to another human and takes no action to correct this? Unfortunately I know this person. I'm sure many of you have at least crossed paths with someone with this characteristic. They are ones who hold on to self-destructing inner demons of past failures, mistakes, detrimental choices, the willingness to judge of others, those who feel deserving to have it all but choose not to work for it. How unfortunate to continue to live this life of misery. Most that surround you see and know the real you...it's no secret!

I AM blessed! I am immensely grateful I am not like you; to be equipped; able to look beyond the character defects today and simply feel gratitude for this path God has led me to; pity and benevolence best describe my feeling toward you. God and sobriety supply my serenity. There may be a brief duration which I allow you to raise the blood pressure, the anxiety to flutter in my chest. However, God guides me and comforts me. Never allowing you to have such control. I no longer judge you, nor hold resentment; won't allow you to make my heart bitter; nor cripple me in fear knowing what you are capable of...My heart knows you are sick. Addiction is like a demon in the night; dark and unloving, it leads you to the grave...no immortal can face nor defeat it alone.

My prayer for you ~ I hope you find God in your heart and He saves you so the ones who love you and which you are responsible for no longer have to worry about you or watch you self destruct. Amen

I love when I stumble across something and have an AHA! moment!!!
A gentle reminder...
"Never allow someone define who you are" -
The serene feeling of acceptance!
Life is more enjoyable when I don't beat to the tune of another's drum.
I will not allow another persons ignorance imprison God's will for me nor will I allow it to cause resentment.
Their opinion of "who I am" is only a perception based on a minuscule parcel of God's vast creation...Nothing more.
There is nothing better in this world then the sweet feeling of SERENITY!!! AAAHHHHH!

Today, March 8, 2012 marks 1 1/2 years of sobriety! I'm sure many who knew the "old me" thought I would never make it this far but prayed that I would. No turning back now...

HOW AMAZING MY LIFE HAS BECOME!!!

When I woke this morning the milestone hadn't crossed my mind; an accomplishment of this magnitude is a daily one in the earliest days of recovery. Announcing the triumph of yet another day sober regularly. Today however it didn't enter my thoughts until my honeybee text me to remind me of his son's birthday and his 1 year anniversary at his job...Congratulations Honey! Texting back...Guess what else today is? Why didn't I make this choice sooner? Not to fret, it is all about living for today and embracing NOW.

Then it clicked, as I stood in our kitchen getting the girls off to school. An indescribable sense of immense gratitude flowed through me like a tidal wave- Appreciation for this new found life, the abundant blessing my Lord and Savior have planted in and around me.
My oldest daughter looked at me and said "What Mom?" My youngest with the same observation. "Yeah Mom, what's wrong?". Then with a look of utmost happiness, I replied, "Nothing at all!!!!!! Do you want to know what today is? ~ 1 1/2 years! Both walked to me and showered me with BIG HUGS & SMILES! This IS the way to live...with the man and children God has given me and support me always...my family. THIS is what my life is all about...Milestones in recovery are a wonderful thing.

Changing ourselves in a spiritual sense is not always easy. Many struggle with the concept of God or finding understanding of a "Higher Power" in recovery. I've been blessed in this area. Always knew God is real but became lost along my way. For me to think there isn't something larger than self in the universe would be crazy. Although at times during active alcoholism reflecting back, I acted as thought I was "all that and a bag a chips". I know God saved me from myself, He helps me in my darkest hour, in times of frustration, inner conflict, and adversity. As I look back over situations and circumstances I placed myself in...He was & is always there. I know I cannot go it alone. He guides me, lends His strength to move past the issues alcoholics create for themselves. During moments of hopelessness and fear I ask for understanding of His purpose. The beauty of knowing when the struggle is banished, I am witness of His great works before me and within myself...a reminder of how inferior I am in this world.

Jeremiah 17 ~ 7 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. 8 They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 29 ~ 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Proverbs 30 ~ 5 "Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. 6 Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar. 7 "Two things I ask of you, LORD; do not refuse me before I die: 8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. 9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

Psalm 71 ~ 19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth; you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.

Psalm 86 ~ 11 Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. 12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. 13 For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Psalm 143 ~5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.6 I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. 7 Answer me quickly, LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. 9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD, for I hide myself in you. 10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

I am a true believer, I owe my life to God. I am sober today not by my own doing, I reached out to God and He rescued me from self destruction. I could not have come this far without His grace and mercy. Without Him I am nothing. In my 17 months of sobriety my life has changed tremendously from ruin and hopelessness to solace and joy, from the unemployment line and food stamps to an awesome new career and financial security, from fear of feeling or accepting love to an abundance of love and an overwhelming appreciation for giving and recieving love. I am overflowing with gratitude, my life has meaning and the rewards are endless. I owe it ALL to my Lord Jesus Christ!

1 In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.

2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

4 Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?
He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[b]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, LORD,[c] is in you.

22 Deliver Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

Moving forward, passing the pain.
Dwelling in my own sorrow is where my despair began to swirl causing devastating failure time and time again.
Only as I began to realize the insanity I was living in was I forced to stop and face my sadness; my wounds were never nurtured into healing...
Clinging tightly to my pain I believed all those horrible things made me who I was.
Recovery is wonderful and has shown me it is not the case...I was so wrong in that belief.
Happiness is unattainable when devoured by resentments towards all who have let us down; those who've played with our love, as a child does a toy; when robbed of all self esteem or if consumed with fear of failing yet once again...There can be no real joy.
While I aspire to oneness, the discoveries of my own ego unfold one at a time.
I uncover the preciousness and extraordinary of self which I've spent a lifetime concealing; unable to bear more pain.
As I confront my demons; accepting my individuality - this love of self personifys me...no longer willing to torment my ailing soul on the run.

At times I am good at following God's will, letting go of my own. Other times I fail miserably. Instead of beating myself up I've learned in recovery it is ok to make mistakes. I am human, progress not perfection. I can do the next right thing, make the "wrong" I've done right. We all do and say things we shouldn't. It's up to me to fix it...accept it, face it, apologize and move forward. Learn from the mistake and do my best not to repeat it in the future. God has blessed me with a new life, everyday a new opportunity to start fresh and begin again...asking for God's will and letting go of mine.

This is something I wrote in my journal at 9 months of sobriety...
Since I've been in recovery my eyes are open to all that surrounds me. The armour is gone that I used to protect myself, actually feeling emotions now and digesting the impact those feelings have on me. I am learning as I grow, 9 months is not enough time to remove all my sheilds. The walls took years to build, it's impossible to believe my old thinking will be reprogrammed in only days. I must learn to adjust and deal with all that comes my way, good, and bad. I find comfort knowing God will get me through. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am working the program to the best of my ability. Failure it not an option, my life and the well being are riding on this new found life. Sure I've fumbled along the way. The opinions of others doesn't matter...it's my program, not theirs. I'm working the 8th Step (Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all) and am proud to say I'm making progress. I am living what AA is teaching me and am giving IT all to God. One day at a time my sponsor keeps telling me. Yesterday is gone, not forgotten. The mistakes I make along the way teach me what I need to do, today.

As I re-read this I couldn't help but notice there were many "I's" in this little segment...a reminder of the selfishness alcholics have and don't realize. :) Too funny...progress is oh so sweet!

As I ponder, I'm in constant awe of Your splendor.
Reflecting back on who I once was; affliction erased.
Proof Your grace restores as I bow for your mercy.
Billowing winds signal You are always near;
Remembrance of whom rid me of overwhelming fear.
The beauty of Your light catches my eye; I search
for a glimpse of You in the peircing blue sky.
Your love embraces my soul,is Your's endlessly.
You've disencumbered the chains that once bound;
You've given me life; My loving God.
My rock, refuge~my strength, hope and courage.
I am reborn in Your glory.