Alien Orchids

This fellow felt "left out", so we decided he could also stay, and whaddya know? He brought some more with him...look farther down the page.

That's the trouble with these guys - you give 'em an inch, and they take a mile. Not content to bring more of his "own kind", he reached across the species, and brought along some real weirdos!

When he blooms - he looks like something out of your worst nightmare! Just LOOK at his "face" - evil personified, isn't it? I should have picked up on that, but I just trust everyone. In his case, that was a mistake. He was in the vanguard of the ALIEN ORCHID INVASION!

Who would ever think that this was an ORCHID?

Evidently, this is one of the main instigators of the ALIEN ORCHID INVASION. Ignore his meek, mild manner and his long, lean "farm hand" look; it's a ruse. Appearances are deceiving, and we have reason to believe that he engineered the entire operation.

Content in his belief that NO ONE would suspect him, he silently stalks our property. Don't let his looks deceive you, or his "Thank you. ma'am" and "y'all" speech - that slang lingo is just exactly why he avoided detection...until NOW!

Your cover is BLOWN baby - we've got your number!

Shhh! Don't let on that his disguise has been blown...business as usual, and mum's the word, and all that!

Well, would 'ya looka here? These four thought they were going to slip in through the mail slot - little did they know, I've dealt with THEIR KIND before!

They may be small, but they multiply so rapidly; you just can't keep up with them, and before you know it...BAM!...there are millions of them.

Spreading rapidly throughout your entire domicile, these silent, frail, "sweet-looking" tiny ALIEN ORCHIDS will invade every single inch of your home. You'll find them in your pots and pans, in the pantry, in the refrigerator, under the bed, hiding in paper towel and toilet tissue rolls, and even in your toothpaste! Their long, flexible bodies allow them to go just about ANYWHERE! The invasion by these felons* was almost complete, when I found their ACHILLES' HEEL!

*Well, they are felons! They were breaking and entering, or at least...entering.

The ONLY way to eradicate them, is to lie in wait; warily watching for their descent. Then...quick as a wink...grab their lifelines, squeeze tight, so none escape your clutches, and chop the lifelines off, with your scissors. Yes, I know it seems cruel, and PETO will probably be after me, but that is truly the only way to get rid of them, and Save Planet Earth!

P.S. PETO stands for - People for the Ethical Treatment of Orchids

Oh, no! It's one of PETO's enforcers. You know - People for the Ethical Treatment of Orchids. Blast! I didn't think they'd show up for at least another year.

This fellow is the Deputy Sheriff - they call him the "Enforcer" - because he enforces any violations ot the PETO CODE. You can just make out his little yellow head, under his armored hood.

Oh, dear! I'm in trouble now - he's riding on one of their fierce Basher Bulbo Beasts. They can sniff you out, anywhere! What'll I do?

WAIT A MINUTE! I KNOW - I'LL CALL ON THE "ANGEL ORCHIDS"! They'll help
me - they HAVE to - that's their job; helping Mankind. I may not have to go to the "pen". Oh, I am so glad I thought of them! Stay tuned below - I may be saved!

I have an Advocate! Hallelujah! The INNOCENT VICTIMS GUARDIAN ANGEL ORCHID sent help, and FAST, too! She is simply the best.

This aged AAO ADVOCATE ORCHID is just perfect. No wonder he chose the law as his profession! Just take a good look at his "mouth". He has a forked tongue - see it?

Now, thankfully, this fellow is on the side of TRUTH, JUSTICE, and THE ORCHID WAY, or he'd be a formidable foe. He explained to me, that he uses his unusual appendage, to confuse and confound, since he can speak out of both sides of his mouth - at the same time! Rather than using his tongue's "split personality" to prevaricate, he uses it to split the opposition's thought processes. Anyone who is on his right side, hears ONE thing - while those on his left side, hear ANOTHER. Both are true, but the "divided speech" brings dissension to the rank and file - and, before they know it - the hearers will just believe anything that comes out of his mouth. This unique capability has made him a legend in his own time, and he is most deserving of it, too!

Incidentally, he can bring the two sections of his tongue together, when conversing with family or friends, or when ordering at a restaurant. He had to "sort-of" get a grip on that early, because he constantly had two different meals brought to him by waiters insistent that - THAT was what he ordered!

The AAO Advocate is rarely called upon, due to humans' inherant fear of Alien Orchids; they are basically terrified of them! There are not many known cases of Alien Abuse anymore. The AAO Advocate vocation has almost become extinct; there is just no demand for them. This rare relic was literally commandeered to come to my aid, by one of our darling Angel Orchids. I KNEW they'd help me!

You don't know what Angel Orchids are?
Oh, my word - REALLY? Well, you need to check out our Lenses below.
The ANGEL ORCHIDS are there - what would we do without them?

Sh! Here's my rescuer. Isn't she lovely? Now, you can see there are others around her; look hard - you can just make out their wings - but THIS marvelous Angel Orchid was watching me, and knew I needed help. I didn't even get the opportunity to make that call!

She had been monitoring the entire thing, from the beginning of my dilemma - when PETO's enforcer arrived - to my incarceration, awaiting trial.

This INNOCENT VICTIMS GUARDIAN ANGEL ORCHID beat her wings so fast, to find me an AAO Advocate, that she wore her lovely wings "smooth", and actually put splits in her "skirts". She must have taken off to get my Advocate, right when PETO came to the house, because I was only there for a few hours.

They didn't HAVE to come - I would have turned myself in, just to spare the family shame. But, the problem with the PETO bunch, is that - they don't get very many calls - most people are gentle with Orchids; ANY Orchids. When PETO is called upon, they overreact. Must make them feel important, or something. At any rate, her intervention, and my Anti-Alien Orchid Advocate saved me from PETO's maximum security penitentiary!

Read on, to see what transpired...

I never expected THIS to happen!

The "Enforcer" from PETO came to the house, and without even a "by your leave", shackled me with those dreaded "orchid root cuffs" and drug me off to PETO Headquarters. Within 4 hours, I was released into my AAO Advocate's custody. The next day, we went to trial. PETO moves fast, as they are populated by PETO politicians, who have a little "good old boys" club going. Thankfully, my Advocate was on to them; he'd dealt with them, before.

When he picked me up, he wasted no time. Taped a private "deposition", if you want to call it that, and took photos of me - front, back, and sides. Well, it's a good thing he did that, because that was the clincher - the photo gallery he showed the jury.

The charges brought against me were:
- Physical abuse of Alien Orchids
- Publishing lies about their mission on Earth
- Assault and Battery
- Exposure of Alien Orchid Agendas (HUH?)
.....and
- Alien Orchid Starvation and Neglect.

Oh - give me a break! After all of the wonderful things I say about them, too!

The trial was a joke - a bad joke. I was blown away by the injustice of it all. Because they scrambled, to conduct my trial on the very next day, I couldn't even gather my "ammunition".

I did not want the trial to be in my hometown. I happen to KNOW how crooked the presiding Alien Orchid Judge is. Alien Orchid Abuse is a adjudged a felony, and he is famous for handing down maximum penalty decisions.

Sure enough, the "Honorable" Judge Porker, better known as PETO's "Hanging Judge", was set to preside over my case. Honorable NOTHING - he is one of the worst judges in history!

I had requested a trial by jury, of my peers.
My request was denied.
I requested a continuation. Request - denied.
I requested my husband's presence. Request - denied.
I requested witnesses - ORCHID witnesses. Request - denied.
I requested a change of venue. Request - denied.

What a kangaroo court! I didn't even think Orchids knew about kangaroos!

Here's what happened.

PETO turned out in full force. No one was allowed to speak in my favor, just my AAO Advocate. No one else was allowed to come, to support me. Remember, they wouldn't even allow my husband's presence. The only ones present were - the bailiff, the court reporter, the judge, PETO's representative, who is also their attorney, my AAO Advocate, and I. My Innocent Victims Guardian Angel Orchid was there, but she was Invisible to anyone but my Advocate, and I - me - well... myself. You understand - grammar just sometimes gets in the way.

When the charges against me were read, I just about stood up and objected - MYSELF! My AAO Advocate reached out and grasped my arm, firmly but gently, and in Morse code, tapped out on my knee - JUST WAIT. I relaxed.

I was not allowed to speak. It appeared that my AAO Advocate was not going to be allowed to speak, either. After a lengthy treatise by PETO's attorney, the judge raised his gavel, to close the proceedings, and issue a verdict.

THEN, my AAO Advocate rose to the occasion. He stood up, to his full 3 inch height - he had 1 inch lifters on - and cleared his throat. All eyes were instantly riveted on him.

"Your Honor", he exclaimed. "If it please the court, might I remind you that Alien Orchid Law demands full disclosure of the facts, and the evidence."

To say the judge was shocked, is an understatement. Without waiting for the judge's reply, my AAO Advocate strode to the bench, positioned himself squarely in front of the judge, and with his back to the bench, he said -

"Ladies and gentlemen orchids, scoundrels and rascals alike - lend me your petals. It is the intent of the law, not the letter of the law, which needs to be addressed here today. The charges brought against my client are heinous, unfounded, and illegal. You have heard the rambling, illogical ravings of the PETO attorney. Now, we will take a few moments for sense, sensibility, and logic. Allow me to present evidence, and enter it into the court records, as to how this apprehension of my client was conducted. Once you have examined the evidence", here - he turned and looked directly into the judge's eyes, "you can then hand down the verdict."

"Allow me to read to you, my client's statement. Examine the accompanying photos, and look at the photos I personally took, of the Alien Orchid Invasion. You will see that they are crowding out all of the available space, sunlight, water, and nutrients - and preventing all of the hundreds of OTHER orchids, from what they require for their very existence."...and, he read what I wrote:

"No one read me my rights.
A blindfold was put on my eyes, before I could blink.
There was no ID shown, by the "Enforcer".
I was not allowed to make a phone call.
They put me into a maximum security solitary confinement cell.
There were no bathroom facilities.
My body was bruised and bloodied, from THEIR abuse.
The interrogation process was brutal."

THEN, he passed around the photos he took, of me, and of the Alien Orchid Invasion, at our home. There was dead silence in the courtroom; you could have heard an orchid seed drop. Well,... it didn't take but a few minutes - and a POWERFUL wrenching of the judge's ears by our beloved Innocent Victims Guardian Angel Orchid - for the judge to bang his gavel down, and declare - "I find the accused NOT GUILTY".

I was so excited...I almost crushed my Advocate to death, hugging him. As one, PETO stormed out in a rage. What an experience! Let this be a lesson to you. If you have any trouble with Purple Alien Orchids, make sure you are on the side of the Angel Orchids or you may never be heard from - AGAIN!

Whew! THAT was a close one! Bless the Angel Orchids, bless my Innocent Victim Guardian Angel Orchid, bless my AAO Advocate, and bless the Lord!