The Official, Authorized, Aggrandizement Of Allan R. Wallace

Even though we now celebrate humanity as a sexless homogeneous mass, we do not need to leave our primitive desires fully behind. Skip that next handful of nutrition pills and sink your gums into these samples of cuisine found on an early planet - maybe even the mythical Planet One.

Many thanks to Professor Snerds, an expert on ancient languages, for a translation to modern equivalents.

Updating Origin cooking #1 - Dad's Best Tamale Pie

3 slices bacon, chopped. Fry in bottom of pan.
Snerds: Bacon was a juicy plant found in marsh regions prior to all such boggy wastes being drained. We have substituted the readily available gnashk from the Blaag System.

1 large onion, chopped. Add to bacon.
Snerds: A sea mammal, equivalent to the marsupials of gangggness IV. To simulate this, open 15 protein pills and add their contents to the gnashk.

1 pound of hot sausage, add to meat
Snerds: A mixed seasoning of strong flavors, often referred to in political texts of antiquity as synonymous with lawmaking. Mention is made of Habenero - an early purification rite of the Machismo cult involving self inflicted torture. We know the volume of a pound, it is two splotzys.

2 pounds of ground beef, add with sausage to bacon and onions, cook ten minutes, stirring occasionally until browned.
Snerds: Beef was a grain that could be soaked till soft and made into cakes called burgers, or ground crudely to make a rough way bread for travel called t-bones.

Garlic cloves, paprika, chili powder, salt and pepper to taste.
Snerds: Local garnishes, all in small amounts, probably added for color. For historic accuracy the qualifiers mentioned are 1 or 2, 2 tsp, ½ tsp, respectively; with no mention of qualities regarding the last two. The appellation "tsp" is a referent to cosmetic attractiveness.

1each standard #2 can of stewed tomatoes, pitted olives, and kernel corn - drained
Snerds: Nutritional supplements in equivalent weight with two of your daily nutrition drinks. Open and mix together, let settle.

Three eggs whisked, I cup corn meal, 1 cup milk - mix well
Snerds: These are prayers said over the completed mixtures prior to assembly. Cup means prayed loudly. All are then repeated quietly, "mix well."

Blend everything together and pour into greased 3 quart pan.
Snerds: It looks unappetizing, but nutritionists agree it would keep a primitive from starving.

Bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Let cool 15 minutes. Ummm
Snerds: We have tested several cooking periods, anything beyond one minute in a standard home reactor makes the mixture ungumable. The result has flavor, but for those of us with refined tastes, the treat is sampling an authentic taste of history, not in its earth like flavor. The Ummm is another prayer, said with eyes closed so you don't have to look at what you eat.

There you have it. A team of knowledgeable archaeologists, headed by the rightfully venerated Dr. Snerds, give you a chance for regressive reflection.