All kinds of stories 2

A woman was having an affair with her neighbor and while her husband was away at work, she was in bed with her lover. Then, all of a sudden, they heard a car driving up the garage.

"My husband! Quick, hide!"

"But where?", panicked the lover.

"Oh no, you can't hide anywhere!, said the wife. "Wait! This oil and baby powder will do. Quick! Stand in that corner of this room while I coat you with oil and baby powder! Then, don't move and pretend to be a statue, okay? I wonder why he's home early!!!"

So, the wife made her lover stand in one corner and while he's stark naked, she applied first baby oil then baby powder all over the poor man's body.

"Don't move a muscle!"

Just then, the husband came into the bedroom door.

"Hi honey, I'm home", then, he noticed the white statue. "Hey, where'd you get this?"

The wife nervously replied, "Oh, it's a statue that I've bought from our good neighbor, Dahlia. She said it's a good decoration for our room..."

The man looked at it for a few seconds then said, "Well, looks good."

Hours have passed and the couple are in bed sleeping while the neighbor is still in one corner of the room, not moving a muscle.

Just then, the husband got off the bed, went out of the bedroom, went downstairs to the kitchen, made some tuna sandwich and a glass of cool orange juice. He went back to the bedroom bringing the food and the drink and upon entering the door, he handed over the sandwich and the glass of orange juice and said to the statue.

"Here, have some of these. I know you are already hungry. You're one lucky man. I gave you some refreshments. I'm also doing this while I'm having an affair with my neighbor's wife and the bastard didn't even gave me a glass of water to drink!"

An octogenarian couple were having their usual breakfast in their small coffee table with nothing but pancakes and steaming hot coffee when the 85-year-old husband noticed something gleaming in his wife's eyes.

"Hey, honey, what are those "stars" in your eyes for?", he asked.

"Well, cooed the 80-year-old woman, "Bart, you looked lovely today", and her eyes twinkled even more. "You know what? Why is it that everytime we have breakfast, I feel soooo hoootttt while looking at you...Oh, Bart..." and she began to lean forward, slowly.

....and her eyeslashes began to flicker so fast you can't see them move and there were lovely longing in her eyes....

Then, Bart replied without blinking, "Why shouldn't you feel so steamy hot!? Why, one of your sagging breasts is soaked and dunked on your hot coffee!!!"

A man who's hard of hearing is walking one day towards his home after a day of fishing when he met his old friend who is also deaf.

Doug: "HEY RALPH!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? GONE FISHING!?"

Ralph: "NO! I WENT FISHING!"

Doug: "OH... I THOUGHT YOU WENT FISHING!"

A man was walking one day when he met his friend down the street.

Mark: "Hey, Barry! Where have you been? Why you're all messed up?"

Barry: "Hi, Mark! I just got back from a funeral."

Mark: "Who's funeral was it?"

Barry: "My mother-in-law."

Mark: "But why you are all messed up? Your hair is dirty, your clothes are all torn to shreds and you have some scratch marks on your face and your hands!!! What happened, man?"

Barry: "I got it from my mother-in-law!!! She's difficult to bury. She keeps fighting back!!!! Why, that silly old witch of a hag!!!!"

A man, his first time in California, was learning how to drive around with the help of his sister. One day, he was on his own and from Granada Hills, he's planning drive to San Diego to visit a friend. Amidst the traffic just meters away before heading for the freeway, he waved to another driver 2 cars on his left and shouted on top of his voice amidst the roaring of engines, "I WANT TO GO TO SAN DIEGO AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY WAY!!! CAN YOU HELP ME?!"

The man on the other car strained his ear and shouted back, "SAY WHAT!?"

He shouted again, this time in a louder voice, "I WANT TO GO TO SAN DIEGO!"

The man shouted back, "SO, GO!"

A man was on vacation in Spain and he was ready to try the tastiest and most delicious specialty of the Spanish people- "toro balls" which is of course, Bull's testicles. A local recommended to him a small restaurant just beside a bullfight arena so off he went there.

Upon entering the small restaurant, sure enough, he saw on the other table two huge "toro balls" in a silver platter served to a hungry waiting customer. So, he excitedly sat himself to another chair in another table and prompted for the waiter.

Waiter:"Buenas dias, señor? What do you want for today?"

Tourist: "Oh, I want what he has (pointing to the other man), TORO BALLS!"

Waiter: "Okay, señor but you have to wait till the current bullfight is over. You see, señor, once the bull is killed by the matador, its balls are ready to be cooked."

Tourist: "Wow, that seems awesome, straight from the animal, eh? Very fresh pair of Toro Balls!!! I can wait"

And so he waited and he could hear cheers from the other side of the wall. Then, after a while, everything seems to be quiet then the waiter appeared again from the kitchen holding a silver platter and handed it over to the tourist. When the tourist opened the lid, he saw two small balls about the size of golf balls fried in olive oil mixed with paminta, laurel and pineapple.

The tourist complained, "But I ordered for a pair of Toro Balls! What happened?"

Waiter: "My apologies, señor. Yes, you ordered two huge Toro Balls but you see, señor, the matador lost and the bull won!"

Two foreigners were riding a bus in New York and their conversation was overhead by a lady New Yorker.

"EMMA comes first then, I come next. Then, two ASSES come, then, I come again.then, next, two ASSES come again then, I, PEE twice and lastly, I come again, that's all. Isn't it wonderful?"

Not enduring the malicious and dirty conversation, the lady stood up and face the two men and said in an angry voice.

"I KNOW YOU TWO ARE FOREIGNERS BUT I NEED TO TELL YOU THAT WE NEW YORKERS, EVEN THOUGH HOW LIBERATED WE ARE, DON'T TRY TO SHOUT OUR SEXUAL EXPLOITS TO ANYONE ELSE!!! YOU UNDERSTAND?!!!"

At this, the other man calmly replied, "But madam, my apologies but I'm only explaining to my friend here how to spell the word 'MISSISSIPPI'! "

*LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF!

*ALWAYS REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE: "HE WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES!"

*AS I LAY DOWN IN MY BED INSIDE MY BEDROOM LAST NIGHT, I WAS STARING AT THE STARS...THINKING...WONDERING...PONDERING..."WHERE ON EARTH DID OUR CEILING AND OUR ROOF GO?"

Overheard one Christmas Night:

"I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, FATSO, JUST GET OFF MY ROOF!"

(adapted from Reader's Digest from an issue long, long time ago...)

A guy was checking out Valentine's Day cards in a department store.

Store Clerk: "Excuse me, sir. Is there anything here that would be of interest to you?"

Man: "Yes, there is. As a matter of fact, I'm looking for a Valentine's card that says "TO MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE OF MY LIFE". Do you have that kind of card?

Store Clerk: "Yes, sir, we do!"

Man: "Okay, then, give me 10 of those!"

If a brunette and a blond fall off from a 20-storey building, who will hit the ground first?

Answer: The Brunette, of course! And you know why? The Blond will stop halfway and ask for directions!!!!!

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A 20-STORY BUILDING AND A 2-FEET-HIGH DOGHOUSE"?

Answer: "IF YOU FELL OF A 20-STORY BUILDING, YOU GO "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"IF YOU FELL OF A TWO-FEET-HIGH STRUCTURE, YOU GO, "CRASSHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH......."

A Beverly Hills businessman opened up a new business last Friday. Associates send cards and gifts for the new store. A nice arrangement of beautiful flowers was brought in by a florist delivery man. His jaws drop and false teeth fell to the ground on what he read from the card. It said "Rest in peace!".

The delivery man said, I apologize for this horrible mistake sir, but rest assured somewhere on somebody's funeral right now there is a card that says "Welcome to the new location!".

In a male rest room in a hotel, the two basketball star player rivals of two schools met inside and after heeding to the call of nature, the other one proceeded to wash his hands while the other was about to go out of the door when the one washing his hands said:

"In our school, we were taught to wash our hands after urinating."

To that, the other one simply answered back, "In our school, we were taught not to urinate in our hands!"

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.