How to Have an Amazing Wedding Ceremony

You're getting married soon & you've been dreaming & planning for just about everything for the celebration - from making sure the colors of the flowers at your ceremony will match the bridesmaids dresses to deciding whether you'd prefer the guests to blow bubbles as you make your exit from the reception or if they should light sparklers to match the magic of the evening.

Everything that is except for the ceremony. Because the officiant will know pretty much what's best & how it all works for you . . . right?

Wrong. Never assume that your officiant will somehow by osmosis know what kind of wedding ceremony you desire. And never assume that the officiant will be able to convey the kind of personalization you may be hoping for.

In fact, do a little thought experiment. Think back on all of the wedding ceremonies you've attended over the past five to ten years and ask yourself how many of those ceremonies truly captured the character of the couple getting married? Exactly. Not many at all. And how many of those ceremonies were thoroughly dull & all you could think of was, "I can't wait for the reception?" Probably more than you'd like to remember.

The point is obvious - officiants on the whole tend to give predictable & boring ceremonies. Or worse, they're cheesy. Worse still, the officiant preaches an unexpected forty minute sermon during the ceremony - one that has nothing to do with you or even marriage but more about trying to convert your friends & family to their form of faith. I've been to way too many of those in my life.

Because of much of the above the trend now is to instruct the officiant to perform the quickest ceremony possible in order to "get it done with" and get on to the party. Ten minute ceremonies are not uncommon - and five of those minutes are used up during the processional.

What a tragedy that is . . . outside of funerals & memorial services wedding celebrations tend to gather the most friends & family you will ever have together in one setting. And they are all there for one reason: to celebrate your marriage commitment with your soon to be spouse.

The question is, will you have a ceremony that reflects who you & your spouse are or will you have a ceremony performed off of the officiant's generic template?

The first & most important step is really in how you answer that question. You must decide whether or not your ceremony will be one that matches your desires. And you must make it a priority to have a wedding ceremony that is personal, elegant & wonderfully meaningful to you & to all who will be celebrating with you.

So here's the heart of the matter. No one can make this decision but you. If you decide to do nothing about the ceremony do not expect a meaningful ceremony to magically unfold according to your dreams. It won't. It never does. And odds are your wedding ceremony too will become another tally mark in the exponential movement of dull, boring, and predictable wedding ceremonies that are sweeping our nation.

But If you decide for a personal, elegant, and meaningful ceremony be prepared to hear something akin to this from your family & friends, "That was one of the most moving and beautiful wedding ceremonies I've ever attended. Thank you for inviting me, I was honored to be a part of your marriage commitment."

Making the decision is the hardest part - the next steps are easy & need not take much time. Finding an exceptional officiant who will walk alongside you in crafting the ceremony of your dreams is the next step.

1.) Do not just rely on a Google search in finding your officiant. Get referrals. Looking up officiants online seems more expedient at first glance but the referrals let you know that a particular officiant is already proven and will save you time in the long run. Besides many of the best officiants don't have websites & do not advertise. So here's how to begin. For a local wedding email as many trustworthy local friends as you can & ask them if they have experienced a good local wedding ceremony in the last few years. Odds are there will be at least a few ceremonies experienced that were exceptional. Ask for the emails of the couples who were married and then email those couples asking for the contact information of the officiant once you've confirmed with them that the officiant was easy to work with. Let your referrals lead you to the right people. For a non-local wedding call the best hotels in town and ask for the person in charge of events planning. Ask them for the contact information of the best officiants they have personally witnessed. Please note that many officiants leave their brochures with hotels. So it is crucial to ask not simply for names of officiants but to ask for those officiants who were exceptional in their tasks. Again, let your referrals lead you to the right people.

2.) Call. At this point you may have a list of 3-5 officiants (perhaps more, perhaps less) that were recommended. Call all of them right away. Some officiants are booked months & even a year in advance especially during the summer months. Talk to them on the phone if you can - this will immediately give you a better sense of who they are more than email communication ever will. Think of this as the first interview and you're the one hiring. Now ask these questions:

* Are you willing to sit down with us so we can personalize our wedding ceremony?
* What have you done to personalize previous weddings you have officiated?

Sometimes people are intimidated by officiants who are also clergy. There is no need to be. Most clergy are warm-hearted people and will let you know right away if they are free to officiate your wedding according to your hopes. If you are satisfied with the conversation ask them to kindly email you what services they will provide for what fee. Most officiants have different prices based upon the time of year & based upon the duties called for. More on the fee in the next step. If they are unable to officiate your wedding ask them for referrals of other officiants who do exceptional wedding ceremonies of the personalized nature.

3.) Sit down with the officiant. Once you're satisfied with what the officiant has sent you via email set up a time to meet with the officiant over coffee or tea to discuss your hopes and dreams. This doesn't really need to be more than an hour long meeting - especially if you come prepared with some of the suggestions below. This also allows you to make a final decision on whether you want to work with this particular officiant. Is this officiant flexible to your hopes and desires? Is he/she kind & easy to relate to?

And please know that there are some officiants who sound wonderful over the phone but in person are simply downright strange - better to eliminate them now than to regret your mistake at the rehearsal. Also, do make sure you are clear about what time you expect the officiant to arrive for both the rehearsal and the wedding ceremony. And make it clear to the officiant if he/she is invited to the rehearsal dinner or reception. Most officiants do not expect to be invited but it is good to make it clear from the beginning to avoid an awkward situation later. If you are kind enough to invite the officiant to the rehearsal dinner or reception make it clear whether it is an invitation for the officiant only or if the officiant may invite a guest.

Congratulations. This is the most time intensive part of the process.

And doing this early on will save you a lot of headache & certain frustration. Now put your dreams into reality.

Think of it this way, if you are not having your own minister or rabbi officiate your wedding, the officiant you are hiring will be the only stranger at your wedding who has a significant role in saying significant things about you and your spouse to be. And it would seem to me that you would want to hire someone who has a level of personal presence that is rather engaging. Or put another way; officiants are not plumbers. If I hire a plumber I want to know if the plumber can get the leaky faucet fixed. I'm not really at all concerned whether he/she is a bit personally awkward. But with the officiant it is an entirely different story. They should not be hired in order to "get the job done." Rather, they should be hired to instill a sense of elegance, meaning, and personalization into :getting the job done." If they do not themselves possess these qualities you can certainly make a sure bet that your wedding ceremony will not have these qualities.

Hire an officiant who has personal qualities you find tasteful. Do yourself a huge favor and invest a little time in determining whether the officiant is someone whom you'd like to know in the first place. You will be much better off in hiring an officiant who has the hallmarks of kindness, helpfulness, and good personal presence - those personal traits will inform the kind of ceremony you have. And an officiant who possesses these traits and comes with a referral is definitely worth the extra money.

Some words on money. Some people are willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars on their wedding ceremony & some simply want a small informal affair with only their closest friends and relatives.

Not all wedding ceremonies need be expensive at all. I officiated a brief wedding ceremony last year on the beach at sunset with everyone dressed in beach wear; sandals, summer dresses, short sleeve shirts and sunglasses. The evening was a bit overcast but magically, as I pronounced the couple husband & wife, the sun burst through the clouds and spilled its fiery orange & red all over the ecstatic couple. They were both overcome with tears as was everyone else who was blessed enough to be there. It cost the couple nothing except for an unexpected generous honorarium to me (an honorarium is simply another name for a monetary gift).

On the other hand some weddings are extravagant events. I officiated a wedding in TX a few years ago with twelve bridesmaids in stunning evening gowns & twelve groomsmen in tuxedos with candles beautifully lighting up the sanctuary, bountiful flower arrangements everywhere, and a string quartet playing elegant music from Bach to Mozart. They hired five wedding coordinators (two for the ceremony & three for the reception) & flew me to TX from CA. Needless to say, this cost quite a bit more than the informal wedding on the beach.

And yet both were incredible wedding ceremonies. Both were personal. And both matched the hopes & desires of the couples getting married.

If you're having a simple wedding without a rehearsal on the beach or in a park with only a few people in attendance let the officiant know right away & they might be willing to lower their fee. I usually lower my fee by $100 - $150 if I am committed to just a simple affair without rehearsals or more than one sit down consultation.

Regions across the U.S. are all different and have different average fees for officiants. I happen to live in a destination wedding town in coastal CA and officiants' fees here range from $300 to $1000. My approach to fees is a bit different. I tell the couple to pay me based on how pleased they were with the entire process which includes: two sit down wedding consultations for the crafting of the ceremony, phone & email consultations, the rehearsal, the ceremony itself (which sometimes includes on the spot counseling duties with the groom who has a mild case of the nerves acting up), the signing of the marriage license & sending it in on time, and two free pre-marital counseling sessions if the couple so desires. I have been paid generously over the years - with some gifts having exceeded $5000. I also donate 10% of what I receive to a non-profit organization that provides PTSD counseling (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to former child soldiers & sex slaves throughout the war-torn regions of the world & trains local long-time care-givers how to do so. I have been to Northern Uganda myself & have been forever impacted by the vitality & beauty of these children trying to regain the innocence, beauty, & laughter that was ruthlessly & violently stripped away from them.

However, I do charge $1000 if I am asked just 3 weeks in advance for a large wedding. I have a young family & a full time ministry job so it needs to be worth my family's time for me to give up a Friday evening and an entire Saturday on such short notice. If this seems exorbitant understand that the average couple spends just over $1000 for a DJ (yes the DJ is at the ceremony longer but that does not mean he/she is putting forth more effort or time or creativity than the officiant).

Ultimately though - what the couple receives from me is me. That is, they are hiring someone who is rather kind, helpful & creative, and one who has a good personal presence (so I've been told). These traits also inform my willingness to invest time in helping a couple craft a personal, elegant, and meaningful wedding ceremony. And good personal presence is necessary to navigate a variety of social intricacies that tend to emerge in family gatherings (I was once seated between the biological father of the bride-to-be & her step-father at a rehearsal dinner. The couple informed me that these two men didn't really get along & it was crucial for me to somehow direct the conversation at the table toward items they could discuss without fighting. The evening went rather smoothly & in fact the two men spent much of their time laughing with one another which came as a pleasing surprise to the bride & groom). I also have a long history of public speaking experience. Needless to say, if the officiant is not comfortable speaking in front of your friends & family your friends & family will not be comfortable listening to the officiant.

Some couples call me based on a referral but the first question they ask is my fee. While I understand many couples are working from a pre-determined budget this is the wrong first question to ask. Because what the couple is implying with that question is that they are looking to hire the cheapest wedding officiant they can find. And not necessarily one who is proven & will put time, energy, and creativity into the process. Cheaper is not better & neither is more expensive. Rather, an officiant who possesses kindness, helpfulness, good personal presence, and a referral are the ones you need to be looking to hire - even if it costs more than you were initially willing to pay for.

WEDDING COORDINATORS:

1.) For large wedding ceremonies - do yourself a favor and hire one. They can be well worth the money. Some hotels & many churches include a coordinator in the fee. From making sure the flower arrangements are not crooked to calming the bride down before the ceremony to running interference with a pushy relative coordinators make sure the ceremony happens & none of the stress is on your shoulders.

2.) For small informal weddings - no need to hire one. But ask a responsible friend of yours to be in charge of getting the ceremony going & the bridesmaids ready & the guests seated or prepared for the beginning of the wedding. Details can be worked out with the officiant prior to the rehearsal.

3.) Some officiants are savvy enough to train a responsible friend of yours before the rehearsal. If the couple does not have a coordinator and were not planning on hiring one I will kindly ask the bride if she has a detailed-oriented friend who is not in the wedding party itself to come a little early to the rehearsal so I can give her a simple list of what she needs to make sure gets done before & during the ceremony. The list is fairly straightforward: showing up a couple hours prior to the wedding, getting the bridesmaids ready to go, making sure the flowers are in order, confirming that the photographer is ready, that the ushers are in place to seat the guests, the music is on, and most importantly to get the ceremony started as close to time as possible.

4.) NEVER, NEVER have your mother or future mother-in-law be the wedding coordinator in order to save money. Trust me. No matter how tempted you are - do not do it. This will only lead you to the land of bitterness & regret. Enough said.

LENGTH OF CEREMONY:

15 - 20 minutes without many bells and whistles.

20 - 30 minutes if you want to have readings, a unity candle or sand-pouring ceremony, & some kind of special music performance.

35 - 45 minutes if you want to have all the above, more than one musical performance, & a longer homily or message by the officiant or someone whom you admire.

If you are a particularly devout couple you may prefer something akin to a religious worship service which will inevitably take you beyond 45 minutes. This can be a wonderful expression of your faith to your family & friends but be careful not to unwittingly use your wedding ceremony as a guise to push your form of faith onto your friends & family members who do not share your spiritual convictions.

Expressions about why your faith is important to you and your spouse can be beautiful to your friends & family. But be intentional about making these expressions about your faith inviting rather than ostracizing. Loving people as you would like to be loved applies perfectly for a wedding ceremony. A line or two about this being a worship service wedding ceremony in your invitation could be helpful here. Note that not everyone is permitted to participate in everything during some worship services in some religious traditions & again some thoughtful mention of this in the invitation can only be seen as gracious. These concerns will of course need to be worked through with your particular minister.

These are the beginning parts of a typical wedding ceremony. This is not a list of what you should have - just a list of what many wedding ceremonies do have.

Musical Prelude
(Music begins playing signifying the ceremony is about to begin.)

The Seating of the Grandparents
(Often done with groomsmen escorting the grandparents down the aisle.)

The Seating of the Mothers
(Mothers are often escorted by groomsmen & sometimes the groom will escort his own mother.)

Lighting of the Family Candles
(If there is a unity candle often the mothers will light the candles next to the unity candle - these are the family candles.)

Entrance of the Groom & Minister and the Groomsmen - if groomsmen are not escorting the bridesmaids
(I have also officiated weddings where the groom chooses to enter to his own theme song. One in particular chose the James Bond theme music and ran around the sanctuary with sunglasses on performing spy-related antics - this certainly lightens up the atmosphere if you're shooting for some informality in a formal setting.)

Musical Transition for the Entrance of the Bridesmaids
(Sometimes escorted by groomsmen, sometimes not.)

Entrance of the Flower-Girls & Ring-Bearer
(Some ceremonies have them, some do not.)

Musical Transition for the Entrance of the Bride and her Father/Escort
(Officiant usually invites everyone who is able to please stand for the entrance of the bride.)

The Welcome
(Done by the officiant - but can be done with a little forethought by a friend or family member. Sometimes there may be mention of a relative or close friend who is unable to attend & the couple wants to take this time to acknowledge the importance of this person in their lives. Sometimes the couple may have a portrait or flower arrangement or candle as a symbol of their presence.

In my welcoming comments I generally include a marriage affirmation of those present in order to include the participation of family & friends. This is generally what I say :

Oh behalf of ______________ welcome to this celebration of their first day of marriage together. Marriages should never take place in isolation. The best marriages occur within the support of the community of family & friends. As family and friends of ___________ you play an important and vital role in the growth and love of their marriage relationship together. Therefore . . . will you do all in your power and faith and love to support the marriage of _______________ if so answer WE WILL. And everyone responds with WE WILL.)

Giving Away of the Bride
(The officiant typically asks, "Who gives this woman to be with this man?" And the usual response is, "Her mother & I," said by the father. Not all ceremonies have this included. Some couples feel this is an anachronistic portion of the ceremony that undermines & degrades women because of the history of women being viewed as the property of men. Other couples enjoy the tradition as being purely symbolic of the love between a father and a daughter. Needless to say, not all brides have fathers who will be present. Some brides choose to walk down the aisle alone while others ask a close friend or another family member to be their escort.)

Declaration of Intent
(These are the questions usually stated by the officiant to both the bride & groom at the beginning of the ceremony signifying the intent or the purpose of the gathering. Here's the typical declaration of intent I use during a ceremony:

Do you ______________ believe the man/woman whose hands you now hold to be the choice of God as well as the choice of your heart, to live with you as the companion of your life and to forever be the object of your love & commitment as long as you both shall live? If it is so, say "I do.")

The middle of the ceremony is where you typically have the most freedom to get creative - but that doesn't mean you can't get creative at the beginning or end of the ceremony. From the readings, to special musical performances, to a unity candle, to a sand pouring ceremony, to having an important person in your life speaking wisdom into your marriage during the ceremony.

Readings
(Readings are a great way to get friends & family involved in the wedding ceremony. Just be sure to ask someone who is somewhat comfortable with reading in front of large groups. And give them your reading of choice a few weeks in advance so they can practice. From poems, to song lyrics, to Scripture, to excerpts from letters & emails sent - there are endless choices. The key is to keep it meaningful and short in the process. Ask the person you have in mind if they are comfortable reading aloud in front of groups. Never assume people are comfortable. After all, public speaking happens to be one of those realities people are terrified of. Generally, if the couple has a reading or two it is usually natural to place a reading into the ceremony right after the Declaration of Intent. If you are time conscience keep in mind that reading 200 words out loud elegantly - that's about the size of this particular paragraph - takes a good 2 to 3 minutes not including the time it takes for the person reading to get to the mike and then sit down again.)

Special Music
(Just because your Aunt Joy sings in the community choir does not mean you have to accept her invitation to sing a special song at your wedding. The special music during many wedding ceremonies is often neither special nor in a lot of cases - music. Be savvy in your decision about whether to have a music performance or not. If you have a friend who is somewhat accomplished as a singer or musician then by all means invite her to use her talents to bless you and everyone at your wedding. If you plan on lighting a unity candle during the wedding - that is an incredibly good time to have the special music performed.)

Homilies, Sermons, Messages, & Charges
(Many couples opt out of having any words spoken at their wedding about them or the journey of marriage because of what they have experienced at other weddings. Too long, too preachy, too boring, too cheesy, too predictable, etc. And I'm sure you've experienced your share of these same adjectives yourself at weddings. But if you work with your officiant a bit on this portion of the ceremony the words spoken at your wedding can bolster how personalized and meaningful it becomes. What are the differences between homilies, messages, charges, & sermons? Homilies - tend to be short 5-10 minute spoken meditations about the spiritual life - Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Anglican, & some Lutheran traditions utilize homilies in their services. Sermons are generally utilized within the Protestant traditions & are longer meditations on the spiritual life - anywhere from 20-40 minutes. Messages are the nondenominational word for sermons. Charges are short 3-8 minute spoken words from the officiant or minister directed at the couple about marriage. I generally speak a short homily of about 5 minutes long about the adventure, passion, & commitment of the marriage relationship - but not all couples choose to include this in their ceremony. Some times couples choose to have a respected friend or relative deliver a short message about the marriage relationship - this can be very powerful & moving. But be careful in choosing someone who is comfortable with public speaking & won't ramble on. Typically a 12 font times new roman single-spaced page or two double-spaced pages will take about five minutes to read out loud. If you choose to have a friend or relative do this make sure you give them clear expectations about length, time, & content well before the wedding day.)

Unity Candle
(They are not necessary. But a lot of couples include them in the ceremony. They symbolize two members of two different families becoming a new family. At outdoor weddings I've also experienced couples do a sand-pouring ceremony in place of a unity candle - two separate glasses filled with sand are poured by both members of the couple into one glass vase. Unity candles at outdoor ceremonies are very difficult to keep lit - even the slightest breeze will blow the candle out which kind of undoes the symbolism. Indoors they can be beautiful & I always tell the couple it is their private time during the ceremony. Accompanied by a tasteful song, either live or recorded, heightens the emotion & the beauty of the moment. But if you feel like the unity candle is too routine for you - get creative & post a comment on what you've done or have seen done at wedding ceremonies in place of unity candles.)

Sand Pouring Ceremony
(Works well in place of unity candle - especially if the ceremony is outside and you don't want the unity candle to blow out. Typically there are three vases; two filled with a different color of sand in each & one larger empty vase in the middle. Sometimes the officiant will read something or say something about two families becoming one, or a song is sung, or a reading is read while the couple takes turns pouring a bit of sand out from their vases into the empty vase until the empty vase is full of a mixture of different colored sand - signifying the unity of the marriage relationship. This can be very beautiful symbol in the ceremony & is a good keepsake for display in the home. Youtube sand-pouring ceremony to get more of an idea for different variations.)

Communion & other religious or ethnic traditions
(If you are a devout couple - this can be a wonderful expression of your faith. I've officiated weddings where the couple celebrated communion with only the minister presiding as well as weddings where the couple invited all present to celebrate communion with them. There are certain restrictions within certain faith traditions regarding communion so work through the possibilities with your minister. It is usually a perfect time to do communion after the vows & exchanging of rings - symbolizing your commitment to one another and to your faith. Again, tasteful accompanied music, either live or recorded, can only add elegance to the moment. There are plenty of other religious & ethnic traditions to utilize in wedding ceremonies - certainly too many to list here. Make sure you inform your officiant well before the rehearsal what you'd like to include in your ceremony so he/she has the opportunity to properly prepare for something he/she may not be completely familiar with.)

Vows
(The heart of the wedding ceremony. See #7)

Ring Exchange
(Rings are the symbols of the marriage commitment. Not all couples choose to wear wedding rings for a wide variety of reasons. And it must be noted that rings are entirely optional. These are the words I ask each member of the couple to repeat during the exchanging of the rings. "With this ring, I thee wed as a symbol and pledge of my constant faith and abiding love.")

Others
(Again - there are too many options to include here. Feel free to get creative & include your officiant to help you in the process. This is your big day & it really should reflect your vibrant love & commitment to one another. So let the creativity flow. If you need more ideas go to your local bookstore & head to the reference section & find books on wedding ceremonies & do some research, or google wedding ceremonies & see what you like, or if you really have some time on your hands youtube "best" wedding ceremonies & see if there is anything you like.)

Your vows are the heart and soul of the wedding ceremony. They are the promises & the commitments you are making to one another in the presence of all of your closest family & friends as well as before God if you are a spiritually inclined or devout couple. And while there are a wide variety of vows spoken at wedding ceremonies there are really 3 approaches couples choose from when it comes to their vows:

1.) The first & the most common is to use the vows of the officiant. Keep in mind that not all officiants vows are the same. Some officiants have crafted their own while others utilize vows from their particular faith or non-faith tradition.

These are the vows I most often use (feel free to use or edit for your own personal use):

I, ________, take you __________, to be my wife/husband and my one true love. I will love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad. I give you my hands. I give you my heart. And I give you my love & commitment, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

2.) The second approach is to do some research on your own & find already crafted vows that fit you as a couple. There are thousands of vows ready for your perusal online or in any reference section of most bookstores. Browse www.myweddingvows.com for literally hundreds of vows from all types of faith & non-faith traditions.

3.) The third & certainly most time-intensive approach is to craft your own. Some couples choose to mix & match from what they have found online or in reference books while other couples choose to write their own unique words to one another. Typically what I have witnessed when couples have chosen to write their own words themselves is that they often first write what they admire & respect in their soon-to-be spouse and end their words with promises of love & commitment for their marriage journey. And they are generally read out loud to one another. If you choose this path here are a few thoughts to keep in mind:

*Begin right away. Don't wait until the week before the wedding. Do yourselves a tremendous favor & give yourselves a final draft date at least one week before the rehearsal. This takes so much pressure off of you during the week of the wedding which already has enough emotional & logistical pressure on you both.

*Don't write a novel. Your first draft can be as long as you'd like. But by the final draft you should be one or two paragraphs long. Keep in mind 500 words is about half of a single-spaced page & will take you at least 5 minutes to read. That is a long time to be reading but certainly okay if you understand that from the get go. Two paragraphs about what you admire in your spouse & the promises you are making is more than plenty. It typically takes someone to read 100 words in a minute - and that is without the unexpected laughter or tears that inevitably come from vows that have been thoughtfully crafted.

*If you want your vows secret from one another until the ceremony that is perfectly fine just make sure that you both have crafted something of similar length. It can be awkward for one to read for 30 seconds & the other to read for 5 minutes.

*Are you okay with everyone's attention on you while you are reading? This is a crucial question. I find that most couples are nervous enough as it is to be dressed up & in front of all of their friends & family & simply having to repeat the vows after me. If you are someone who does not like to publicly speak or feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders & your knees are buckling when all eyes are on you then I'd suggest you reconsider reading aloud your own vows - there are other ways to personalize your wedding without having to put yourself through a pressure-cooker.

*Are you okay with sudden & unexpected tears? Of course tears are wonderful & natural at weddings - but are you okay with choking up in front of everyone? When reading your vows to one another with all the emotion of the moment (even if you rarely shed a tear in your personal life) it is almost inevitable that one of you will be shedding tears - either while listening or while reading. There is no need to be embarrassed by this just understand that tears are more likely to surface than not. I always prep the best man to carry tissues in his coat pocket to give to the groom if he notices the bride or the groom weeping. It is only classy & elegant for the best man to show a bit of tenderness during the ceremony.

*When you write - write in your own voice. Beware of inserting too many adjectives & modifiers in your writing. The tendency is to be flowery in your writing. Resist this. Pretend you are writing a short letter or email to your loved one & use words you normally use. Don't attempt to write like Jane Austen or James Joyce. Be yourself & only yourself.

TO REPEAT, READ, OR RECITE FROM MEMORY . . .

Unless you are a professional speaker or actor do yourself a favor & never recite from memory. Period. Just don't do it. If you are still tempted to recite from memory please ask yourself this - what is the worst that can happen if I recite from memory & ultimately do I gain anything at all from reciting from memory? Enough said. But if you insist on reciting from memory then please, please give copies of your individual words to the officiant just in case the worst does happen. The officiant can then simply hand you your copy to read from or repeat the phrase that you forgot or stumbled over.

If you are using vows as promises (your own or the officiants) and it is a short paragraph it is good and easy to simply repeat short phrases after the officiant. Ask the officiant to recite a couple of the lines during the rehearsal so you are comfortable repeating the phrases out loud. Make sure you and the officiant are on the same page with miscues - that is, if you suddenly blank out or stumble over words while repeating the officiant should simply repeat the phrase. This happens at times & is completely natural - so if it happens No one will notice

If you are using your own vows that are more than a paragraph long than it is best you read your own vows out loud to one another if you are comfortable doing so. Give copies of your vows to the officiant & the best man at the rehearsal. You certainly do not need to be worried about where you placed your vows five minutes before the ceremony begins. Do this ahead of time at the rehearsal and save yourself a big headache.

If you are reading out loud to one another please make sure you have practiced reading your vows out loud ahead of time. Often what you write sounds differently in your mind than it does when actually spoken. So practice a few times for pacing, rhythm, & getting comfortable with your own reading voice. And make sure you have either a lapel mic or a hand held mic for voice amplification. Again, work this out ahead of time at the rehearsal.

Above all when considering what you are going to do when it comes to your vows do what feels best & most natural to you both as a couple.

As with the above, these elements are not what you must have in your ceremony only what are often present in many ceremonies. Here's how I typically conduct the ending of the ceremony:

Blessing
(With permission from the couple I always pray a blessing over the couple during the ceremony generally after the vows & the exchange of rings. There are many beautiful blessings to choose from. Sometimes if I know the couple well I will write a blessing for them. If I don't know the couple well I will choose one from a variety of sources or perhaps a poem that can second as a blessing.)

The Pronouncement
(This announces the end of the ceremony & generally I will say something like, "It is my sincere joy & honor to pronounce you husband & wife.")

The Kiss
(After the pronouncement I will generally say, "You may kiss the bride" or "You may kiss one another.")

The Introduction of the Couple
(After the kiss I will say something akin to, "Allow me to be the first to introduce to you Mr. & Mrs. Smith or Mr. & Mrs. John Smith or Jane & John Smith or the now married Jane Johnson & John Smith for those who choose to retain their names.)

Music cues & the exit & recessional
(Many couples choose a song that they want to exit to - from classic to rock to country & hip hop. It is crucial at the rehearsal that someone makes sure the musicians or the DJ know exactly when to push play. I usually motion to all who are seated to stand & generally everyone is clapping for the couple. At that point, the couple generally makes their exit either by walking - though some choose to run & some choose to dance down the aisle. It is always a good thing for the couple to take a few moments to stand and face all of their friends & family. I tell the couple at the rehearsal that it is the first time that they will see all the important people of their lives clapping for them & their new marriage.)

Pertinent Announcements
(After the newly married couple & all of their wedding party has exited I will generally make announcements about how to exit - whether it is row by row or everyone exits at once, where the reception will be, what time the reception will begin, & to enjoy the ongoing celebration.)

The rehearsal . . .

Rehearsals should be relaxed, fun, & to the point - setting the tone for the wedding day. Let both your wedding coordinator & officiant know your hopes regarding the rehearsal. An uptight rehearsal will certainly make for an uptight wedding ceremony & likewise a relaxed & elegant rehearsal will make for a relaxed & elegant ceremony.

If the wedding party is meeting for the first time make sure you or your spouse to be or both of you introduce the family, the groomsmen, the bridesmaids to everyone. This can be simple & fun & not take too much time. Ask the officiant to get everyone settled into their seats & then simply introduce your family members & your wedding party to everyone at the rehearsal with perhaps a brief one sentence statement of why each is meaningful to you. Public affirmations of your family & friends are rare and they have the wonderful impact of setting a positive tone for the entire wedding. If there are more than 20 people present than it may be best to quickly introduce each and save your remarks for the rehearsal dinner. Talk to your officiant beforehand so he/she can help you in the process.

Understand that rarely in California do people show up on time for the rehearsal. In fact I've never been to a rehearsal where everyone has shown up on time. On average the rehearsals begin 20-30 minutes after the stated time (so be prepared) - though this is not the case in rehearsals I've officiated in different parts of the country where not showing up on time is seen as rude & impolite.

Your rehearsal need not be more than an hour. Make sure this is stated clearly to the coordinator & officiant beforehand. I do my best to get everything accomplished in a rehearsal under 40 minutes so the family & wedding party can enjoy a lengthy celebration at the rehearsal dinner. Many old-school coordinators & officiants tend to think they need to choreograph every single step the wedding party takes down the aisle & during the ceremony. This is utterly time-consuming, nerve-wracking, & takes forever to do. And for no real purpose at all. Again, make sure the coordinator & officiant clearly understand your desires for the rehearsal well before the date.

The Ceremony Day . . .

Because of all the emotion of your friends & family clamoring constantly for your attention more often than not the bride & groom are exhausted by the wedding day. So do your best to make sure you reserve some room during the wedding week for self-care. Schedule a massage or go for a long walk by yourself. Get away for 3-4 hours & rejuvenate. If you don't schedule self-care then it won't happen so do your best to make this a priority. The wedding day is for you & your spouse to be & the more relaxed you are the more you are going to enjoy your big day. Eat well & stay hydrated. And take naps if you can. You want your best self to show up for the wedding day not the exhausted, starved, frustrated, overwhelmed self.

Make sure your wedding party knows when they are expected to be at the wedding venue. The bridal party tends to be good at this while not surprisingly the groomsmen tend to be fairly bad when it comes to timing. Make sure the groomsmen show at least an hour and a half before the wedding. Have some non-messy food & water on hand & a good place for everyone to get ready & stay relaxed.

At this point - if you have a good wedding coordinator & officiant - the only thing you & your spouse-to-be should be concerned about is feeling relaxed enough to enjoy the ceremony & celebration. You need not worry about your family, your friends, & whether or not everyone is showing up on time. It is out of your hands & all that is ahead of you now is simply enjoying the process as it unfolds. Relax. Breathe deeply. And enjoy the ceremony & celebration from beginning to end by simply being present to yourself & your soon to be spouse.

The Best Personalization Tip Yet . . .

For the past two years I've instituted something so simple & yet so unique that it has literally blown people away during the ceremony. This is not at all rocket science & can be done with your own officiant. I simply ask the bride & groom to independently email me affirmations or 'love letters' about what they admire in one another. Often no more than 500-700 words each I simply recite back the words they have written to one another during the ceremony itself. The affirmations I read aloud include everything from the goofy nature of the bride who has an obsession with socks to the character of the groom who has stood by his bride-to-be during the passing of a cancer-stricken relative. Needless to say the emotions go from laughter to tears back to laughter and back to tears in a matter of moments. And everyone in attendance is caught up into a unique & vibrant glimpse of the love & commitment between the couple whom they are celebrating.

These affirmations do three things:

One - they wonderfully personalize the ceremony by including the words of the couples themselves without the pressure of the couple needing to speak the words out loud during the ceremony - giving those in attendance a truly intimate view of the love between the two people whose commitment they've come to celebrate.

Two - the affirmations allow the couple to perhaps for the very first time deeply affirm one another in a somewhat public setting before their closest friends, family & colleagues. Because neither the bride nor the groom know beforehand what one another has written the affirmations come as a deeply meaningful gift to one another during the ceremony. Needless to say tissues should be at the ready when the affirmations are being read.

Three - the affirmations have the beautiful effect of setting the tone for the marriage that is to come. We humans tend to be very poor at intentionally affirming & praising the ones whom we love the most. It is good to begin your marriage with a simple rhythm of affirming the goodness that dwells deeply in your spouse to be. Only great beauty comes from this . . .

If you choose to implement this element in your ceremony wonderful. But take your time & write in your own words. Don't try to write like Jane Austen or Shakespeare - words that pretend to be something they are not only sound hollow & false. I always tell the couple that I will edit their affirmations to something that will flow nicely during the ceremony - especially if they are nervous about the general quality of their writing. I also provide them a couple of examples to get an idea of what other couples have written to one another. And I also email them these prompter questions to get them going if they would like some help:

1.) What are some character qualities that you admire in your spouse to be?

2.) What are some talents & passions (from the goofy to the incredible) that you recognize in your spouse to be?

3.) What quirky traits do you love about your spouse to be?

4.) What are some things you are looking forward to in being married to your spouse to be?

5.) How does your spouse to be brighten you up after a particularly difficult day?

6.) What amazes you about your spouse to be?

I also tell the couple not to worry so much about the flow of what they write - snippets, phrases, and one word descriptions are adequate. Anything from both the funny to the more serious will work. If they end up writing more than they intended I tell them that I'll edit what they've written down to something that flows naturally & beautifully.

During the ceremony I usually include these affirmations just before the vows to lend power & emotion to the promises the couple is making to one another - though the affirmations can be included just about anywhere in the ceremony.

These affirmations really do wonders - loving your spouse to be with your own words during the ceremony opens everyone to a deeper & richer place of celebration. I hope some of you risk a little & implement this idea into your own ceremony - you will be truly blessed & so will everyone else who is there to honor you & celebrate with you.

My great hope is that this lens has given you a starting point to launch from in crafting a ceremony that fulfills your deepest hopes & dreams. Have fun, enjoy the process, & get ready to hear some raving compliments about your ceremony.

Leave some feedback if you're willing so I can improve this lens for other future couples. And if you do end up using some of my suggestions please leave me a note telling me how your ceremony went.

Much goodness & love to you in the adventure of your marriage.