Anger Management 101

It appears to be fairly common that many struggle with unresolved issues surrounding our parents - particulary our fathers, in many cases.

Did you not get what you needed from your parents while growing up? Wer'e they angry, distant/ unavailable or abusive - either physically or emotionally?

There are ways to work through this long buried hurt and lesson its grip on your life and decisions you make today.

#1. Relaxation

* Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

* Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

* Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

* Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

* Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

#2. Cognitive Restructuring:

Simply put, this means changing the way you think.

Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic.

Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

#3. Use Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage.

For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.

#4. Counseling

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better.

A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking, behavior, and to understand & notice your own personal cues.

When Anger
Is Present
Relationships
Suffer

Couple's Counseling Available
Ventura County, CA
805-204-7315

Forgiving is easier said than done depending on the person and level of offense. In his book, Forgive for Good, Fred Luskin, Ph.D. lays out 9 steps to forgiving for you!

Forgiveness Is for YOUR well being (Not Theirs)

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

If you find that you lack the proper skills to manage your own anger, it is NOT because you are stupid or a bad person. You never learned how to do anger in a healthy way.
Our first teachers were our parents or caregivers, we learned how to "BE" in the world by watching and incorporating their coping skills, be it healthy or unhealthy that was not a factor, we were children.
Can you change this hard wiring, this learned behavior? The answer is a big resounding YES.