The (Post) Apocalyptic Top Ten

"First there was the collapse of civilization: anarchy, genocide, starvation. Then when it seemed things couldn't get any worse, we got the plague. The Living Death, quickly closing its fist over the entire planet. Then we heard the rumors: that the last scientists were working on a cure that would end the plague and restore the world. Restore it? Why? I like the death! I like the misery! I like this world!!"

Plot Basics: Following the collapse of all civilization, plague is now ravaging the planet. Pearl Prophet, female cyborg, is carrying information for a cure, trying to get to Atlanta. The sadistic pirate Fender Tremolo wants the info to stop the cure. Only Gibson Rickenbacker, the slinger with the haunted past, can stop him.

Orthia sez: If I had one wild wish, it's that somehow the guys from MST3K would reunite and just do their best/worst to this so-bad-its-good Van Damme action film. Trying to cash in on both the Muscles from Brussels and the hot cyberpunk trend of the day, not only is it post-apocalyptic (shot in South Carolina) but everybody's got names like rock band instruments and speaks in stilted dialog peppered with words lifted from William Gibson's NEUROMANCER. JCVD's character has the same flashback a good half a dozen times which lets the same two minutes become a recurring nightmare for the viewing audience too. To have a good time you HAVE to talk back to the screen and throw popcorn.

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"Only one thing worse than a dragon... Americans."

Plot Basics: Dragons have ravaged the planet and the leader of a group of UK survivors teams up with a US soldier to wipe out the deadly species.

Orthia sez: This movie sort of teeters between being bad-good and good-bad. There are some good action bits, and some good cheesey bits, but you sort of wish the whole thing would tip one way or the other. I like the take on dragons and how the speciess works/operates in this one. They got some good character actors in this one (Gerard Butler, Alexander Siddig) but sadly most of them end up toasted in fairly short order.

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"Well, I'd certainly say she had marvelous judgment, Albert, if not particularly good taste."

Plot Basics: A young man (Vic) scavenges for food and sex with his telepathic canine sidekick (Blood). Lured into an underground colony of survivors, he discovers an exaggerated lifestyle trying to perpetuate pre-apocalyptic values and learns of an ulterior motive for drawing him there.

Orthia sez: The movie adaptation by original short story writer Harlan Ellison and an early career appearance by Don Johnson are both quite good. The thing that cracked me up about this is that Vic's dog Blood was played by Tiger, the dog who spent most of the 70s known to millions of kids as the character Benji. Life in the downunder called Topeka is like a 50s nightmare and audiences can easily share Vic's distaste for its residents. A good anti-hero story for sure.

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"The gun is good!... The penis is evil!"

Plot Basics: A strange stone head flies over a desolate wilderness, collecting tribute of food and dispensing guns. Zed, one of the Exterminators, gets inside it so that he can see what goes on in the Vortex. There he finds the immortal Eternals and their quest for death.

Orthia sez: Sean Connery in a long black wig and a red loincloth?... yeah, I know, but this still makes for a strange and fascinating movie. Interestingly, Boorman had directed "Deliverance" just before this and Connery had recently stepped down from his signature role as James Bond. This movie sure doesn't look, sound or smell anything like either of those. I won't give away the "trick" but once you know it, you do sort of want to see the film again as knowing it changes the feel of the story.

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"You! You can run, but you can't hide!"

Plot Basics: Survivors in the Australian outback battle for the fuel that could get them to greener pastures, aided by a lone stranger and abbetted by a vicious gang of outlaws.

Orthia sez: When this movie was released in the US, most folks didn't know it was actually a sequel to a movie called "Mad Max," about a policeman who takes revenge on the biker gang who murders his family. In the first film, you get the idea that things are starting to fall apart, but by this installment, it's clearly "after" the apocalypse. The car chases set a new standard for action movies, and the look of the film spawned dozens of knock-offs. Good villains, awesome post-apoc fashions and a neat twist at the end.

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"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"

Plot Basics: Earth astronauts wake up from a deep-space voyage to find their ship crashed on a desert planet where apes rule and man is the primitive animal.

Orthia sez: Fantastic adaptation of the Pierre Boulle novel, the 1968 original stills holds up and has better classic dialog than Tim Burton's remake. This one raised the bar on practical makeup effects for its day. Twillight Zone creator Rod Serling was one of the writers who worked on the screenplay and the ending carries a "classic" Twilight Zone twist to it. Roddy McDowell began the first of a long line of chimpanzee appearances with this one, and was the only actor to appear in all four sequels as well.

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"Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea. It's all here, ready. Fresh as harvest day. Fish and sea greens, plankton and protein from the sea. And then it stopped coming. And they came instead. So I store them here. I'm ready. And you're ready. It's my job. To freeze you. Protein, plankton..."

Plot Basics: The survivors of an apocalypse now live in a sealed city, with pleasure as their only pursuit in life. However, everyone is put to death when they turn thirty. One of the city's elite "Sandmen" goes on a "run" to see if he can escape and find the fabled Sanctuary.

Orthia sez: This movie had two hot stars (Michael York, Jenny Agutter), futuristic fashions, Farrah Fawcett (flip-hairdo and all), really cool holographic effects, and the unlucky timing to be released just a few weeks ahead of a little then-unknown sci-fi film called STAR WARS. This cool tale of a world where everyone is young was shouldered-aside by Lucas's space epic but has always had a steady cult interest.

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"As the sound of the playgrounds faded, the despair set in. Very odd, what happens in a world without children's voices."

Plot Basics: In an infertile future, a British government worker must try to get the only pregnant woman in the world to safety.

Orthia sez: This film is so powerful and so well-done, it totally gets a top 3 slot! A fantastic tale that shows the future going out not with a bang, but a whimper. The fascist depiction of England is gritty and very real, with massive survellience and terrorist bombings. Clive Owen gives a fantastic performance and Michael Caine is both the comedic relief and deeply touching.

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"Wiping out the human race? That's a great idea. That's great. But more of a long-term thing. I mean, first we have to focus on more immediate goals."

Plot Basics: A prisoner is made to participate in a time travel experiment in the hopes of saving the future.

Orthia sez: Taking the fantastic idea behind Chris Marker's "La Jetee," this film expands and explores as only a full-length feature can. Great character performances by Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis. Supposedly director Gilliam got part of Pitt's twitchy performance by taking his cigarettes away. The visuals of a snowed-over Pittsburgh are haunting, like the future has become a decaying underground museum.
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"This is a job for the Australian..."

Plot Basics: A butcher has a unique way of stocking his shop in post-Apocalyptic France.

Orthia sez: My mom videotaped this based on an interesting description in the cable guide and sent it to me, sight unseen, when I was in college. What a treasure! The first stunning collaboration by Jeunet and Caro, and it's all-at-once dark, touching and funny. A truly unique take on the bleak and food-starved apocalypse. Perfectly eccentric! I'd seen him before in the French thriller "Diva" but really, this was the movie that really introduced me to the work of Dominique Pinon.

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