Confidence & Relationships

In any democracy, including that of the USA, the press will end up choosing the leaders because the media is the vehicle of free expression. The press reflects the voice of the people and they depend on it, in turn, for their advice and information. So it is not so far fetched to say that the media chooses the president because indirectly it does, through its power, expertise and influence.

1. The press, by virtue of the awesome publicity it generates, has the power to make or break a candidate simply by focusing negatively or positively on them at any time. For example, Barack Obama, the young and enthusiastic presidential hopeful, is enjoying a honeymoon period just now where most of his coverage has been positive, while his more experienced opponent, Hillary Clinton, with a known history behind her family, has been having mixed exposure, some of it not so complimentary. But come 2008, when things get really upfront and personal, expect something different. Thus the press has the power to at least keep its choice at the forefront of the debate for the people to consider and to vote for. It often uses this influence unashamedly to change the fortunes of the candidates and that is why they have to take notice of the press and always try to be overly accommodating to get the most favourable or sympathetic coverage.

2. The press is known for its expert writers and journalists who can analyse a person's suitability rather clinically for this top job. With such a reputation for investigative journalism, the public tends to take note of what is published, especially if they are loyal readers/viewers/listeners of a particular medium. They come to trust their source of information and often remain floating voters until they see which way the press coverage is going. In this regard, one can say that the press often does a valuable job in unseating insincere candidates who might not be consistent in stated policies or who have a dodgy public background. However, some members of the press have abused this position by deliberately giving negative publicity to those who might be competing too closely with their favourites by dredging up unsavoury things from their past or spreading questionable gossip.

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Q. We're both 41, previously married. He has lived with me nearly 2 yrs. Proposed unromantically standing in kitchen with a ring my aunt gave him which was bought from a pawn shop. Thought maybe he's not romantic, but found out he proposed to ex wife with balloons she had to pop to find message inside. Shows he can be romantic. Almost 4 months later he hasn't expressed interest in setting a date. He has done very little for me overall. (Leila)

A. People can only treat us the way we treat ourselves and the fact that you keep comparing how he treats you to his other wife suggests that you are low in confidence and esteem and do not feel good unless you compare yourself to others. But you should not even have been noticing his ex. His proposal, or time spent with you, is not a competition where you are the judge and you have to continually mark his progress for him to be worthy. Time to leave his past an concentrate on your present. That relationship failed so why would you be jealous of her?

From his slow actions, the type of ring he gave you and the way he has done things, it does not appear that he really loves you. I think you sense that but fear losing him too, so you blame him for your disappointment instead of leaving him to his life. We can never change anyone in their behavior. We can only change ourself. I think you might have a decision to make so please stop right there and start again, perhaps in this suggested way.

Ask yourself what it is that you want from this guy, not just what HE wants, but what suits you. It is not about him. It's about you to begin with. If you really care about him, then decide how you wish to be treated. If you seem to be interested in being treated less than the best, that's how he will continue to treat you because all you do is reinforce his actions when you accept them without complaint. You have to set the the boundaries and the standards and those boundaries should have nothing to do with the past or anyone else, but only to do with you both.

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Back in my other life of ignorance and low awareness, someone would pay me a compliment and I would feel terribly embarrassed about it; as though I did not deserve it. They might say how wonderful I looked in that smashing dress, etc. My only reply would be an awkward, lame "You mean this thing I'm wearing? It's ages old and not that great." Throwing their honest admiration back in their face.

Someone else might offer to do something for me but I was too 'independent' to accept. I wanted to keep that independence intact and, though I got real pleasure from doing things for others, I was either too great, or undeserving, to accept anything from anyone. My sense of independence and not wishing to be obliged, or be a 'burden', would stop their efforts in their tracks!

Someone else might just wish for my company, but I was too busy for them. They were not that important in the scheme of all the other occupational, social and domestic routine things that took priority. The result? I grew increasingly deficient in the joys of human interaction.

Ram Dass, the spiritual writer, describes human interaction as the 'greatest gift' between people. We are on this earth not to live sad, lonely lives of isolation, but to interact as kindred Souls in a spirit of reinforcement and encouragement. Nothing matters to us except trough another human being. Our love, our affection, our reinforcement, our promotion, our encouragement, our hugs, our victories are all achieved through others. Without another human being, life as we know it is not possible. We would simply go insane without that essential interaction to affirm our existence and value. Yet we take people (especially loved ones, children, parents, relatives, friends) so much for granted in our exalted journey of life. Travelling alone and sad becomes more important to us than sharing the journey in greater happiness and fulfilment. People gradually come second place to every other inanimate priority in our lives.

Grateful Acceptance
But that compliment or affirmation should be returned calmly with a reciprocating compliment of acknowledgement and thanks. The act someone wishes to do for us should be accepted without a murmur and with thankfulness that someone really cares enough to want to do it. We do not have to prove our independence at all in any selfish way.

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Q. My husband has never really placed much importance on "occasions" but has certainly never forgotten one before. I reminded him about our 10th wedding anniversary as I truly think it is important and would like to have done something special. I was surprisingly disappointed. But he thinks it is not an issue at all and has done nothing to even apologise or attempt to redeem himself in anyway. Am I wrong to have feel let down? (Karina)

A. You are not wrong to feel let down at all, but if your husband has never forgotten before and he also does not seem remorseful or apologetic for missing such a major occasion, it is likely that he has done it deliberately out of resentment for something else. This is the time to seek a very calm and quiet chat, which will be on four levels:

1. First, to affirm him and thank him for being a wonderful husband and for everything you've both enjoyed so far. Often when something goes wrong, we merely concentrate on the negatives and make things worse.

2. Then let him know how disappointed you were about him forgetting and how surprising that was for you, as it was not like him at all.

3. Ask if he's feeling all right about things. Is there anything bothering him you might be able to help with? Is he really happy? And then LISTEN. It is not just about one party in the relationship, and often we focus on ourself a lot forgetting the other person's needs.

4. Tell him that you hope he can appreciate how disappointed you feel as you are proud of the marriage and naturally wish to celebrate it. You are also sure he would be disappointed if you forgot something very important to him. Ask if you can both do something else to make up for it soon. Then see what happens.

Expectations and their unfulfilment kill relationships by encouraging resentment and tit-for-tat behaviour. If he is a very good husband otherwise, I would forgive this lapse, praise him to the skies and wait for the next occasion to see how he behaves. If it becomes a pattern, you have real trouble brewing!

Arlene was 19 and did not drink. She hated it but she also wanted to be part of a group who enjoyed their drinks and were frequently out pub-crawling. Often she would decline to go out because she preferred to talk or dance, instead of 'worshipping the bottle', as she saw it. But as she was often left on her own, she felt uneasy about it. Then came Danny, a heavy drinker and a popular new member of the group. She hated when he was drunk but he made her feel great when he wasn't. Wanting to be with him, she accepted an invitation to join them drinking but felt awful afterwards.

By the next week she had recovered enough to do it again, after much guilt feelings about going against her principles. She also blamed Danny for plying her with too much drink the second time and for being 'silly'. Danny thought she was being rather immature and this made her feel even more sheepish and guilty. It did nothing for her appeal either, neither did it boost her confidence. Having abandoned her own strong principles regarding drinking, this limited her actions and forced her to go along with the crowd, even though she hardly enjoyed it and felt it was wrong. Yet it didn't make her any more acceptable to the group or bring her any closer to the man she cared about, because Danny went off with someone else 'who didn't have such hang-ups' about drinking.

Having weak and inconsistent values or principles can be deadly because it relates to our basic psyche what we actually believe and use to guide our actions. If we believe in doing something a certain way and have convinced ourself that it is the right way to act, then to change it purely to please someone else is asking for trouble. We would have changed on the outside, but as we still have that original value lurking around, there will be immediate conflict between accommodating the new behaviour and justifying it against what we feel is right.

The Urgent Need to Belong
Arlene did not have to drink alcohol but it meant a great deal to her to be one of the pack, which explains why we often go against our principles, for approval. That sense of belonging again! We want to belong so much, whether to a church group, drama group, society, a select clique like Phi Beta Kappa, or to share another's friendship, we would sometimes do anything.

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Yes, if you love what you are doing passionately and genuinely want to get on with it. There are many reasons why a writer should follow her/his dream and blog away.

1. The Internet presents a golden opportunity to express yourself in unprecedented ways without the editorial straitjacket of someone else's idea of what you should write or even how you should write it. You also have an instant global audience, especially one which is likely to be interested in your subject matter and specific expertise. An audience which is guaranteed to grow as they get used to your subject, bookmark your page and pass on your items to others.

2. There are thousands of ezines hungry for content which will help to give you valuable publicity in the early days when the money will be tight but there are also paying sites like Constant Content, Helium and Associated Content that can slowly build the income while you hone your craft and take advantage of every writing opportunity. Don't worry about the quality of that content at the beginning. It will certainly improve as you grow in experience and confidence. There are enough successful, expert writers around to inspire you.

3. For those more technology savvy, building your own website, which is then stuffed full of your articles and with paying Google Adsense to support them, is the best move because the more traffic you have coming to that website to click your adverts, the more money you're certainly going to make - and it will be all yours. You can even sell the articles individually once you have written a few and built up a catalogue.

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According to a recent survey in the UK, more than 55% of people are unfaithful to their partners. The rise of the mobile phone, Internet dating sites/chat rooms and greater work freedom for both men and women, ensure that it is far easier to have an affair, or start a new relationship with someone, without current partners knowing about it. It is also very easy to get indignant when our partner strays, to condemn them in vitriolic terms and accuse them of being 'bastards' 'whores' or 'terrible cheats'. But sometimes getting self-righteously angry, without acknowledging our part in the process, simply delays the inevitable: the final break-down of the relationship.

There are many reasons why partners cheat, each specific to that relationship, but four main ones seem to cause the most damage: 1. Loss of Attraction and Communication, 2. Lack of Gratitude and Appreciation, 3. Lack of Affirmation, and 4. Loss of Significance and Value. No matter why the partner finds someone else attractive, that infidelity will be tied to at least one of those major causes.

1. Loss of Attraction and Communication
When we fall in love, there is no law which says we will remain attracted to that person forever. In fact, mutual attraction and communication depends heavily on the other three reasons being positively embedded into the relationship. Without feeling appreciated, wanted and valued, or being positively affirmed by someone else, we soon lose our feeling of significance, that we actually matter, and go off that person rapidly. In those circumstances, we are bound to find others more attractive because we would stop communicating at home and communicate to others instead.

Often, partners change in unexpected ways, like physically getting bigger in size, or getting more mean and selfish in their actions, which were not there at the beginning. That might cause attraction to wane because it is then tempting to compare others to our partners and find them wanting. In those situations, we tend to find it hard to express our feelings as we are not quite sure what to say. Nothing tangible has caused the discomfort and unhappiness with our partners, but it is there like a bad smell, constantly making us unhappy. We cannot make someone find us appealing if they don't.....

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The Google juggernaut has become part of our lives in a seamless way. It is so big and influential, it is almost like a monopoly, yet no one seems to care about that potential restrictive element and the mountainous billions of dollars it boasts, churning out over $6000 per minute like an insatiable money-making machine. So why isn't the public resentful of Google's growing wealth and power? And what has brought Google to this enviable position in such a short time? In my opinion, as a people person, Google has led the way in Internet market dominance through four basic factors: innovation, experimentation, clear purpose and sharing.

1. Innovation: Google has led the field in new ideas, the most impressive and revolutionary of all being its AdSense scheme which has virtually taken over the Internet. This idiotically simple, yet incredibly effective, idea has helped online advertising to rise to $17 billion dollars this year. AdSense is so embedded in the Internet, and in our subconscious, it actually feels odd if there isn't a little advert waving at us from somewhere on a website page. AdSense is now ubiquitous, a must for every person who wishes to advertise himself or earn a living, money circulating from seller to buyer and back to seller in a never ending circle of market branding and tantalising products. By encouraging its mainly young staff to think outside the box and indulge their free and unfettered thinking, being relentlessly innovative, Google keeps ahead of its jealous rivals who might criticise it one minute, but emulate it the next.

2. Experimentation: With innovation has come an emphasis on experimentation. For Google, the philosophy appears to be, even if it doesn't work, it is worth trying out. From it's amazing Calendar to its Apps products through to the incredible and mindblowing Google Earth, everything fits together neatly like a great pod with little essential compartments. Experimenting is a crucial part of risk taking, of challenging old mindsets, going with the flow, breaking with tradition and demonstrating what is possible. No one ever got anywhere standing still. We are always experimenting with the next step in our life, trying this way and that, though some people step farther than others. Google has got experimenting down to a fine art, with such ease and grace, that it has become automatic.

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Many people who are seeking dates are limited by their fears of a lot of things in their life which they cannot affect, but are vainly trying to control. A naked fear of failure, of difference, of love, of hurt, of the consequences and even life itself, in the futile search for perfection. Worst of all, they fear commitment to someone for a long time. They might not get hurt by hanging back, but they stay stuck in their fear, fossilised and boring, doing the same old things, with the same expectations, but getting the same joyless results, while becoming increasingly unhappy and unattractive in the process.

The people who fear the most about potential relationships live in regret. They tend to be the ones who don't make use of the opportunity in the first place because of the constant fear of failure and hurt that dog them daily. They would rather dither over their decisions, or take no decisions, allowing the opportunity to pass, then berate themself later on for not acting on the moment. It is very easy to sit and fret, or to live in regret; to worry constantly about what might happen in the future while feeling sorry for ourselves. Constant regret about the relationship which didn't take off, the man or woman who hurt us, the partner who behaved badly or the person who rejected us, rather to chalk it up to life and use the experience for better growth. Living in fear and regret takes no skill or courage but it certainly keeps us single!

None of us is perfect, yet we spend our life in a futile effort to achieve such perfection through control. That little word control' accounts for the numerous regrets we have, especially when we fail to control our lives at every turn and regret our mistakes' and the hurt we had. Instead we use everything which goes wrong' to prove how terrible we are or how bad our partners were, fuelling our fear of the future, which then prevents us from getting new dates and moving on with our lives. Fearing a repeat of our hurt, the next person we meet is likely to suffer from our pain without knowing what they have done, and are then deprived of the commitment they rightfully deserve. Men are particularly guilty of this. Often a man will tell the next woman who treats him well that she has restored' his faith in women, as if the one woman who caused his pain represents the whole gender species!....

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I found a wonderful person on the internet 3 years ago, but he was separated from his wife and decided to go back to her. So we recently went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year relationship. He felt it difficult to start afresh with me for a variety of reasons including his age, despite the deep love we had for each other, and I have to respect that. But what a fellow and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!

The passionate feelings are still there between us but I have to move on, I guess. But I would not have missed the journey for the world. It all adds to our learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship and I give thanks for it. That's why I am so certain of what I want now and feel good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.

The 4 Reasons for a Relationship
Many of us do not know this, but people come into our lives for one or more of four different reasons:

1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn - and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR

2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR

3. To build up our confidence to deal with the next person in line - who could even be the big one for us - AND/OR

4. To be the genuine article our long-term soulmates or partners.

So hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress too.

I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 - there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my crisis while I taught him an alternative view of life. And boy, did we learn! He will always be a beacon for me. I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.

However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships which end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4! .....

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I once told a fellow whom I loved that his love for me was the icing on the cake, but the love for myself was the cake itself! I was supremely happy with me as I was, and any other attention, though most welcomed, I regarded mainly as a bonus, not the main course. He was rather surprised by my statement, interpreting it that I didn't really love him, but it was actually the opposite. I was able to love him lots through loving me first.

I didn't always feel like this. My self-love has been a gradual and painful process. Loving myself as I do, I could appreciate him as a whole being with all his faults and facets and allow space for us both to develop as individuals and as a couple. If I were expecting his love to make me happy, we wouldn't really last too long because one or both of us would gradually become dependent upon the other, clinging like limpets for our happiness until the relationship becomes claustrophobic or the victim of resentment and jealousy.

Someone To Complete Us
I have noticed that too many people seeking partners tend to say that they are seeking someone to 'make' them 'laugh' or to 'make' them 'happy'. Yet every relationship should have two 100% whole people, not two halves seeking someone else to complete them! We are all seeking happiness of one kind or another. That is essential to our well being. But that vague, yet important, state of existence - happiness - which we often associate with people and material things, appears to be the bane of our lives. We never seem to have enough happiness at all. It seems to be always elusive, even when we actually possess everything we desire. But no one, or any external thing, can ever make us truly happy because happiness is not a destination which we work towards. We cannot postpone happiness until we get that new job, that new house or that new man or woman.

Happiness is a state of mind based on our sense of worth; a feeling which we generate whenever we wish according to the level of self-love we possess and the positivity in our lives. If we feel great, we are unstoppable. It takes little to make us happy because happiness becomes integral to our lives. We feel good about ourselves so we feel good about others and our world. If we feel little love for ourselves, especially when we have not been treated appreciatively.....

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Teenagers are seldom disrespectful without a reason, because every child wants to be loved and valued. They would not risk their feeling of security and inclusion for the sake of it. The following are the most common reasons for disrespect, especially when:

1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. This is the main reason why teens go off the rails and behave badly. This is their way of getting back and hurting the parent for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value and so the respect goes. Their behaviour is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation and increase the teen's feeling of security and self-worth.

2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticised; their views and feelings are not respected either. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack and too many expectations which the teens find difficult to fulfil. They have no way of thriving as their own individual and the frustration is evident in disrespectful behaviour. Many parents are so keen for the child to develop in their own image and likeness, they forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This of course causes resentment, anger and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticise before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don't criticise at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do. In this way, you will bring desired behaviour to the fore and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the child's need and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations and teaches them to respect yours too.

For example, when my children were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by midnight....

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A sense of belonging is the most crucial element in the confidence triangle. Try as we might, we cannot function without others as we are social beings. From the moment we are born and bonded with our parents, we begin the social cycle of inclusion: in family, relatives, schools, friends, relationships, associations and work. There is no escaping others because they validate our existence and reinforce our culture and identity. Others act as mirrors which reflect our existence. When this reflection is confusing, or does not match with our own self perception, it leads to isolation or an identity crisis.

Other people's attention, recognition, praise, affection and love are lifelines to our endeavours, reinforcing who we are and giving us the purpose to continue with our lives. When others we care about reject us, we are likely to reject ourselves too, internalise the hate and spew it back on the family and community in the form of deviant, selfish behaviour. Most juvenile and adult problems are caused by a deep sense of not belonging to anyone or anything. Such people are most likely to have experienced rejection of some sort in childhood or in a relationship which leaves them with a sense of isolation, probably a desire to be destructive and a feeling of not having anyone on their side who really cares about them or their future.

For example, this bright, but sensitive, young 14-year-old girl was always being called nasty, hurtful names because of her surname. She had a terribly low opinion of herself and didn't see herself advancing far, despite her abilities. Having being picked on constantly, she felt 'unloved' and 'lonely' and wanted to leave school as soon as she could. She saw the greatest event in her life as 'getting married to a nice guy who loves me as I am'.

Lack of Affirmation
Her peers' cruel behaviour did not affirm who she was so she had begun to reject herself too, rating herself very low in esteem and refusing to acknowledge that her surname had little to do with her looks or talent, or that she could still be anything she wanted. As the social mirror did not reflect her self-perception, she was very hurt and began to reject her schoolwork, precipitating her steady decline. This girl's negative feelings came as no surprise but they are disturbing....

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