Awful Jokes

A few of the latest awful jokes just added:

Little Sammy came running into the house and asked, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mother, "Of course not."
Little Sammy then ran back outside and his mother heard him shout out to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex you ages to open the door.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptised one and kept the other as a control.

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"I'll deal with you later."

Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned.

Honolulu: It's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for thre wife, sharks for the wife's mother ..."

This man tells the doctor, "Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy." The doctor asks, "What do you take?" "Pepper," the man answers.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said, "Oo, oo, oo, aah, aah aah."
The other replied, "Well put some cold in it then."

Yes, a load of silly awful jokes but I guess if they are silly they must be awful.

Woman: My grandad drowned in varnish.
Man: What a horrible way to go.
Woman: Yes, but a beautiful finish.

What did the witch ask for when she booked into the hotel?
A broom with a view.

How many old people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to tell you how good the old one was.

A man phones the hospital and says, "Help, my wife is in labour!"
The nurse says, "Calm down, is this her first child?"
The man replies, "No. This is her husband."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish ... and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Which King was also England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.

Did you hear about the guy who was born with five 'dingly doos'? His underpants fit him like a glove.

My friend is in love with two schoolbags. I think he might be bisatchel.

Two sausages in a frying pan. The first sausage says, "Phew, I'm roasting in here." The second sausage says, "Wow - a talking sausage."

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Do lighthouse keepers switch off when they have finished work?

Did you hear about the mind reading dwarf who escaped from prison?
Yes, there's a small medium at large.

What do you call a corridor which leads to a bank's vault?
A safe passage.

What do you call a drunk who gets a job in an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.

I used to design cul de sacs but I stopped. It was a dead end job.

Why did the small boy study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !

Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
Then why aren't you laughing !

The dresser and the kitchen unit had a race. Neither won, it ended in a drawer.

An envelope came through the door today and it was marked 'PLEASE DO NOT BEND'. I still haven't worked out how I am supposed to pick it up.

What's blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff.

What is green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

My girlfriend came home from work in tears and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-Box.

What's green and goes up and down?
A gooseberry in a lift (elevator).

Did you hear about the red ship which collided with a blue ship?
Both crews were marooned.

Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb?
He couldn't part with it.

Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door?
He wanted to win a no-bell prize.

Why did the cannibal have indigestion?
He ate someone who disagreed with him.

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley

Why did the pilot crash into his house?
Because the landing lights were on.

What's the easiest house to pick up?
A light house.

How do you make gold soup?
By adding 14 carrots.

Why do grapes like sunbathing?
It's their raison d'etre.

What's a sentence with the word 'politics' in it?
My parrot swallowed an alarm clock and now politics.

What did Snow White say when she dropped off her camera film to be developed?
"Some day my prints will come."

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?
"It's not my fault."

What wobbles as it flies?
A jelly-copter.

What's green and furry and if it fell on you would kill you?
A snooker table.

Why did the man stare at the orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

How does the moon have a haircut?
It has an eclipse.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.

777 GREAT CLEAN JOKES

Did you hear about the cowardly book?
It had no spine.

What does a King do when he burps?
He issues a Royal Pardon.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?
It had great food but no atmosphere.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

How did the hairdresser win the race?
He knew a short cut.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrot?"

How do you know when the teddy bear's picnic is finished?
Because they're all stuffed.

What do deaf fish wear?
Herring-aids.

How does a witch style her hair?
With scare spray.

My father used to say, "Always fight fire with fire." And that's why he was thrown out of the fire service.

What is the most military day of the year?
March 4th

What did one hat say to another hat?
"You wait here and I'll go on a head."

Have you heard the story about a broken pencil.
It had no point.

What did the big telephone say to the small telephone?
"You're too young to be engaged."

Why did the tree fail it's exams?
It was stumped.

What are Santa's little helpers called?
Subordinate clauses.

Two television sets got married.
The reception was fantastic.

How many old people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to tell you how good the old one was.

What would happen if you swallowed yeast and polish?
You'd rise and shine.

A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says, "I'm not well."
The doctor tears a bit off him for tests and a week later the bag goes back for the results.
The doc says, "I'm afraid you've got AIDS.
"How could I have got AIDS. I'm only a little bag."
The doctor answers, "Your mum or dad must have been a carrier."

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning aginst the wall. He asks, "Whats wrong with him?"
His assistant replies, "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."
"Idiot," says the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can," the assistant replied. "Look at him now, he's too afraid to cough."

Knock knock jokes, now they are classic awful jokes that transport you back to childhood.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Trish.
Trish who?
Bless you.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Holly.
Holly Who?
Holly up and answer the door I'm freezing out here.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nicholas.
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees.

Knock! Knock!: The Best Knock! Knock! Jokes Ever (Sidesplitters)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lass.
Lass Who?
How long have you been a cowboy?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
Yes, that's right.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana be alone.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Major.
Major who?
Major answer, didn't I?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Micky
Micky who?
Micky won't fit in the lock, that's why I'm knocking.

Awful jokes that feature the medical profession:

Man: Doctor I can't stop stealing things.
Doctor: Take two of these tablets for two weeks. If that doesn't work get me a wide screen plasma television.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
"Just a minute please."

Doctor examining a girl said, "Nice big breaths."
She answered, "Yeth and I'm only thixteen."

A man went into a doctors with jelly in one ear and fruit in the other.
"What's the problem," asked the doctor.
"I think I'm a trifle deaf."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
"Sit!"

Doctor, doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, Ts or Hs.
"Well, you can't say fairer than that then."

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing cartoon animals who talk.
"It sounds as if you're suffering from Disney spells."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
"Pull yourself together."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a wheelbarrow.
"Don't let people push you around."

Yes awful jokes go back for thousands of years.

It seems that bad taste in jokes has been one of the essential ingredients for thousands of years. The following is what is thought to be the oldest known joke ever and is from about 1,900BC. The joke started out in Sumeria, which is now southern Iraq and here it is (and yes, it is awful!).

'Something which has never occurered since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.'

Okay, not very funny but perhaps it's the way you tell them!

Another 'cracker' from around 1,600BC hails from Egypt:

'How do you entertain a bored Pharaoh?
Sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile - and urge the Pharaoh to go and carch fish'

These are genuine very old jokes and not a figment of my imagination!

Another newer old joke, well a riddle actually, is from the 10th century is:

'What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
Answer: A key'

The oldest joke book is believed to be The Philogelos, The Lover of Laughter and this is from the 4th century AD and is a collection of 265 jokes such as:

On returning from a trip, someone asked a charlatan prophet how his family was.
"They are all well, especially your father."
"But my father's been dead for ten years!"
"Ah, clearly you do not know your real father."

A charlatan prophet cast a client's horoscope and told him he could never have children.
"But I've already got seven!"
"Then you'd better take good care of them!"

There have been awful jokes for many a long year and some of them turn out to be quite smutty. People haven't changed that much really.

As the title suggests the awful jokes in the section are all about animals and other such creatures. Never work with an animal though!

What do you call an alsation in a grey sweater?
A plain clothes police dog.

How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

A dog goes into an employment agency and asks what jobs are on offer.
The woman at the desk says, "A talking dog! There should be a job for you at the circus." The dog replies, "Why would they need a plumber?"

A bear walked into a bar and said, "I'll have a .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... beer."
The barman replied, "Why the long pause?"
"I don't know," said the bear, "I've always had them."

What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.

A horse went into a bar and the barman said, "Why the long face?"

What is a porcupine's favourite food?
Prickled onions.

Why do pigs make good spies?
They're excellent at going in-hog-nito

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?
An animal that talks your head off.

Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
Because from a distance it looked like a hare.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
By removing his batteries!

How do dogs like their eggs?
Pooched.

How did the pig get to hospital?
In an hambulance.

Two fish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonkey.

What has 50 legs and can't walk?
Half a centipede.

Why do elephants wear black tennis shoes?
Because white ones get dirty too fast.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog. Buildings can't jump.

What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
Oh-lay!

What do you call a fly with no wings.
A walk.

Two cows chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you this mad cow disease is getting very scary. They say it is spreading fast and hit Farmer Jones herd just a couple of miles away.
The other cow replied, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect us sheep."

How do heifers do maths?
With a cowculator.

Why was the crab arrested?
He kept pinching things.

Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.

Where do baby apes sleep.
In apricots.

Why are elephants big, grey and hairy?
If they were small, white and smooth they'd be mints.

What do you call a fish with no eye.
A fish.

Where do Noah's bees live?
In the Ark-hives.

Did you hear about the fly that flew through a sieve?
He strained himself.

For any of those who may not know Harry Hill is an English BAFTA award-winning comedian who started life as a medical doctor. He is now known for his television program Harry Hill's TV Burp.

He's a funny man, and some of his jokes do come under the category of awful, but he always makes me laugh. This selection is, with thanks, taken from Harry Hill's Whopping Great Joke Book.

Here's a selection of some of Harry's jokes, feel free to groan!

My lodger is a vegetable. We call him the herbaceous border.

Man: Doctor I swallowed the dictionary!
Doctor: Don't breath a word to anyone.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

What's the new baby's name?
I don't know. We can't understand a word he says.

Why was the Lord of the Rings author told off at school?
For Tolkein in class

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

My pork butcher's Midlands warehouse has been attacked by arsonists.
Burning ham?
No, it's just outside Coventry.

What's purple, round and calls for help from the hedgerow?
A damson in distress.

Husband: I hate to say this but your swimming costume is very revealing.
Wife: Wear your own then.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a guitar?
A hen that makes music when you pluck it.

How do frogs do DIY?
With toad's tools

A man escaped from prison by digging a tunnel under his cell. When he emerged he found himself in the middle of a school's playground. "I'm free," called the man.
"So what," said one little girl, "I'm four."

If you like Harry Hill's jokes you'll love Harry Hill's Whopping Great Joke Book and it's only £3.84 at the time of publishing this.

Dumb blondes do awful jokes or do they just feature in them?

The 'Dumb Blonde', this is the Wikipedia description:

"The dumb blonde is a popular-culture derogatory stereotype applied to blonde-haired women. The archetypical "dumb blonde", while viewed as attractive and popular, has been criticised as lacking in both common street-sense and academic intelligence, often to a comedic level. The dumb blonde stereotype is frequently used in the popular blonde jokes."

Blonde jokes are considered by many as not being PC (Politically Correct) - so apologies in advance"

A Typical Blonde Joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also just happened to be a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She rummaged through her bag and was getting more and more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Jokes Every Man Should Know

AND THERE'S MORE ...
A blonde went to the library and asked for the book Psycho The Rapist. The librarian came back and said, "It's actually called Psychotherapist!"

Two blondes were having lunch at an open air restaurant when the rain started pouring down. They took two hours to finish there soup.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

The UK seaside holiday was always where you find saucy postcards to send to your friends. The tradition, which went on for many years, is now on the decline but the classic cards, with their double meanings, can still be found and are now collectable items increasing in value. (Postcard on right Big Al),

One of the most famous of the artists, for his double entendres, was Donald McGill (1875-1962). It's hard to imagine that in 1957 he was actually prosecuted for obscenity. Today, of course, his images no longer shock their audience.

A book, all about, McGill, with over 200 postcards illustrated, is Donald McGill: The Michael Winner Collection.

There are also several other books about 'saucy postcards' including Saucy seaside postcards by Alan Wykes.

Police can be awful so a joke or two about them can raise a titter or two.

Police have apprehended two children. The first was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other.

Did you hear about the cement lorry that collided with a police van?
Five hardened criminals escaped.

The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal replied, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him,

On a country lane a police car pulled over a farmer and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
The farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm. He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?" The barman shakes his head. "Shame," said the man, "It's his birthday."

A man goes into a pub and says, "I'd like something tall, icy and full of gin."
The landlord calls to his wife, "Rita, there's someone here to see you."

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

A visitor to a mental institution asked the doctor how he knew when patients are ready to be sent home.

The doctor answered, "We fill up a bath with water and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath.

The visitor said, "Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's biggest."

The doctor said, "No a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like the bed near the window?"

A wife standing naked in front of her husband said to him, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment." He replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."

A wife went to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She then met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her a question. "Will I be acquitted?"

Every morning I take my wife tea in her pyjamas. She loves it, but the pyjamas are getting a bit soggy.

Tonight, when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes fown your wife's nightie and say: "There's the chest freezer you always wanted."

Photo on right: Toilet Monster

Two brooms from the same cupboard decide to get married. At the wedding reception the bride broom whispers to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a little dust broom."
"That's impossible," said the groom broom, "We haven't even swept together!"

I went to one of them wife swap parties the other day. Got a smashing alternator for my van.

What's pink, big and hairy and sticks out of a man's pyjamas?
His head!


The Dirty Joke Book

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hang on to your nuts, this is not going to be an ordinary blow job.

Let these blondes make you groan, well their awful jokes will.

Did you hear about the blonde who ...

... spent ages looking at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'

... studied for a blood test.

... put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...tried to drown a fish.

... took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

... sent a fax with a postage stamp on it.

... tripped over a cordless phone.

... heard that most crimes happen around the home, so she moved.

... called her boyfriend to get his phone number.

... when asked the capital of London said 'L'

... came last in a breast stroke swimming race and then complained because the other competitors were using their arms.

... was pleased she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because it said '2 to 4 years' on the box.

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

The above is an extract from my other funny lens Funny Humorous Letters.

It's all about funny and strange things that people write in letters to such places as housing departments, councils, insurance companies and so on.

The writers don't intend to be funny but they just are - well have a read for yourself at Funny Humorous Letters.

Plus Plus Plus: Sidney Sock Goes Missing - have a chuckle at the socks sox life and how they mate. There's also mystery and suspense! What has happened to Sidney Sock?

Plus Plus Plus: Golf Jokes and Golf One Liners

Jokes starting with 'Why did the ...'

Why did the idiot fall asleep in the bakery?
Because he went there for a long loaf!

Why did the crocodile buy his son a camera?
Because he was always snapping!

Why did the schoolboy bite the dentist?
Because he got on his nerves!

Why do pens get sent to prison?
To do long sentences!

Why did the skeleton fall into a hole?
It was a grave mistake!

Why did the doctor take his nose to pieces?
He wanted to see what made it run!

Why did the carpenter go to the doctor?
He had a saw hand!

Why did the doll blush?
because she saw the teddy bear!

Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
Because he saw the salad dressing!

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