Trick or... oh, man! Raisins?
Raisins
"Nature's Candy" is an oxymoron
The treatIt's fruit. Sticky, wrinkled, rabbit-turd-shaped fruit.
The trick
These things belong in oatmeal cookies and bowls of bran flakes. They have no business in my trick-or-treat bag. Cover them in chocolate, and then we'll talk.
What to do with it
Bake some cookies or put them in your breakfast cereal. Better yet, feed them to the birds - those little boxes aren't sealed. At the very least, check the backyard for a rabbit cage on your way to the next house.
If You Insist... Get Newman's Own Raisins in Bulk
Newman's Own®Organics California Raisins, 1.5-Ounce Boxes in 6-Count Packages (Pack of 12)
Amazon Price: $27.14 (as of 07/13/2009)
That's 72 boxes of raisins, and 947 trips to the bathroom.
Candy Corn
It's pretty.
The treatWaxy concoction of sugar, honey, and gelatin designed to look like corn kernels, because nothing says sugary goodness like a vegetable.
The trick
With its festive look and waxy texture, it is clear that candy corn is a decoration, not a food.
What to do with it
Save it for next year, because yesterday (October 30) was National Candy Corn Day. Don't worry, it'll keep.
If You Insist: A Lifetime Supply of Candy Corn
Jelly Belly Candy Corn, 3-Ounce Bags (Pack of 24)
Amazon Price: $45.49 (as of 07/13/2009)
I'm pretty sure it's not really food, so there should be no concerns about shelf life.
Lewis Black hates candy corn too
(but he loves cursing, so watch out)
Pennies
Abe deserves better than this
The treatCash money!
The trick
You can't buy anything with five cents. And if it isn't edible, it doesn't belong in the trick-or-treat bag (see also Circus Peanuts).
What to do with it
Not much you can do with this one. You can't throw it away (Who throws away money?), and you can't eat it. If it came from a little old lady's house, at least you can recycle the tiny square of aluminum foil.
If You Insist... Use Recycled Aluminum Foil
If You Care 100% Recycled Aluminum Foil Roll, 50 Square Feet (Pack of 5)
Amazon Price: (as of 07/13/2009)
Wrap those tiny stacks of pennies in tiny squares of 100% recycled aluminum foil.
Moose A. Moose doesn't like candy corn either
Circus Peanuts
I'd rather just eat the elephant poop.
The treatSugar, corn syrup, artificial color, artificial flavor, and (tragically, not artificial) pig-skin gelatin. Shape: peanut; color: orange; flavor: banana, of course.
The trick
This isn't the circus, and those aren't peanuts.
What to do with it
Take them out of the package (rubber gloves would not be out of line), lay them out to dry up, and use them to build something. Alternatively, make yourself a nice bowl of circus peanut salad. No kidding. Check it out.
If You Insist... 9 Pounds of Circus Peanuts
Circus Peanut Salad
This is just wrong.
Real Halloween candy concerns?
Razor blades? I looooovve razor blades.
Lots of people believe that poison, needles, and razor blades are the biggest dangers in the trick-or-treat bag, but they're wrong. The poisoned candy scares in the 70s and 80s were all hype, unlike the real and unrelenting terror of rubbery, banana-flavored peanuts.
The poisoned candy scare was a moral panic in the United States during the 1970s and 1980s regarding the threat that children could be in danger of ingesting razor blades, needles, or poison introduced to candy by tampering, especially during traditional Halloween trick-or-treating.
Snopes.com classifies the panic as "false".snopes.com: Halloween Poisonings It has been blown out of proportion by the news media and others. To date there have been several studies by independent and law enforcement agencies to determine the veracity of these claims, none of which have provided any verifiable evidence a child has ever died or been seriously harmed by candy picked up while trick-or-treating. Though needles have turned up on an extremely rare basis, this may have been the result of a copycat effect based on the news reports.
NECCO Wafers
What's up with the ones made out of soot?
The treatColorful discs in chocolate, lemon, lime, orange, clove, wintergreen, cinnamon, and licorice. As you might expect, the pink one is the wintergreen.
The trick
I would have thought sidewalk chalk would crumble, but apparently it slices up quite nicely.
What to do with it
Donate it to a teacher. School budgets are tight, and all the pretty colors will help hold the kids' interest more than the plain old white chalk.
If You Insist... Giant Box of Necco Wafers
Necco Assorted Wafers, Jr., 11-Ounce Bags (Pack of 24)
Amazon Price: $51.69 (as of 07/13/2009)
The only thing worse, er... better than a package of Necco wafers is a 16-pound case of Necco wafers.
NECCO Wafers Jingle
This pretty much sums it up.
Buy Some Real Candy Instead
M & M's Peanut - 48 / 1.74 oz. pks
Amazon Price: $39.95 (as of 07/13/2009)
M&Ms have it all. This is what candy is supposed to be: chocolate, peanuts, pretty colors.
Sound off if you love circus peanuts!
Karen wrote
All time worst treat? Pennies and change that Ijust throw away!!!
Posted November 04, 2008
Matt wrote
nice!
Posted October 30, 2008
hellfish wrote
necco wafers are my favorite candy. not snickers bar good, but they have there own, more subtle attraction for me. lay off the criticism or i'll have to place a roll of the treats as a suppository up your nougat.
Posted October 11, 2008
d-artist wrote...
yummy all that candy, but I eat Raisins every day...check out my "Sunmaid" lens 5*s
Posted September 02, 2008
