Trick or... oh, man! Raisins?
Here's a look at some of those trick-or-treat items that every kid dreads, along with some advice on what to do if you get stuck with them.
Raisins
"Nature's Candy" is an oxymoron
The treatIt's fruit. Sticky, wrinkled, rabbit-turd-shaped fruit.
The trick
These things belong in oatmeal cookies and bowls of bran flakes. They have no business in my trick-or-treat bag. Cover them in chocolate, and then we'll talk.
What to do with it
Bake some cookies or put them in your breakfast cereal. Better yet, feed them to the birds - those little boxes aren't sealed. At the very least, check the backyard for a rabbit cage on your way to the next house.
If You Insist...
Get Newman's Own Raisins in Bulk
That's 72 boxes of raisins, and 36 trips to the bathroom.
Newman's Own®Organics California Raisins, 1.5-Ounce Boxes in 6-Count Packages (Pack of 12)
Amazon Price: $29.17 (as of 12/23/2009)
Candy Corn
It's pretty.
The treatWaxy concoction of sugar, honey, and gelatin designed to look like corn kernels, because nothing says sugary goodness like a vegetable. (Yes, I know it's a grain. That doesn't make it right.)
The trick
With its festive look and waxy texture, it is clear that candy corn is a decoration, not a food.
What to do with it
Save it for next year, because yesterday (October 30) was National Candy Corn Day. Don't worry, it'll keep.
If You Insist...
Get a Lifetime Supply of Candy Corn
I'm pretty sure it's not really food, so there should be no concerns about shelf life.
Brach's Candy Corn 18.5 oz bag - 6 Unit Pack
Amazon Price: $24.54 (as of 12/23/2009)
Lewis Black hates candy corn too
(but he loves cursing, so watch out)
Pennies
Abe deserves better than this
The treatCash money!
The trick
You can't buy anything with five cents. And if it isn't edible, it doesn't belong in the trick-or-treat bag (see also Circus Peanuts).
What to do with it
Not much you can do with this one. You can't throw it away (Who throws away money?), and you can't eat it. If it came from a little old lady's house, at least you can recycle the tiny square of aluminum foil.
If You Insist...
Use Recycled Aluminum Foil
Wrap those tiny stacks of pennies in tiny squares of 100% recycled aluminum foil.
If You Care 100% Recycled Aluminum Foil Roll, 50 Square Feet (Pack of 4)
Amazon Price: $19.76 (as of 12/23/2009)
Moose A. Moose doesn't like candy corn either
Circus Peanuts
I'd rather just eat the elephant poop.
The treatSugar, corn syrup, artificial color, artificial flavor, and (tragically, not artificial) pig-skin gelatin. Shape: peanut; color: orange; flavor: banana, of course.
The trick
This isn't the circus, and those aren't peanuts.
What to do with it
Take them out of the package (rubber gloves would not be out of line), lay them out to dry up, and use them to build something. Alternatively, make yourself a nice bowl of circus peanut salad. No kidding. Check it out.
If You Insist...
Get Your Circus Peanuts by the Pound
That's enough for two bowls of circus peanut salad. Yum!
Circus Marshmallow Peanuts, 16 Oz. (1 Lb)
Amazon Price: $3.99 (as of 12/23/2009)
Circus Peanut Salad
This is just wrong.
Real Halloween candy concerns?
Razor blades? I looooovve razor blades.
Lots of people believe that poison, needles, and razor blades are the biggest dangers in the trick-or-treat bag, but they're wrong. The poisoned candy scares in the 70s and 80s were all hype, unlike the real and unrelenting terror of rubbery, banana-flavored peanuts.
The poisoned candy scare was a moral panic in the United States (and Canada) during the 1970s and 1980s regarding the threat that children could be in danger of ingesting razor blades, needles, or poison introduced to candy by tampering, especially during traditional Halloween trick-or-treating. Apart from one incident?actually an act of premeditated murder by a trick-or-treater's father?there have been no recorded incidents of deliberately poisoned candy during Halloween or any similar occasion.
NECCO Wafers
What's up with the ones made out of soot?
The treatColorful discs in chocolate, lemon, lime, orange, clove, wintergreen, cinnamon, and licorice. As you might expect, the pink one is the wintergreen.
The trick
I would have thought sidewalk chalk would crumble, but apparently it slices up quite nicely.
What to do with it
Donate it to a teacher. School budgets are tight, and all the pretty colors will help hold the kids' interest more than the plain old white chalk.
If You Insist...
How About a Giant Box of Necco Wafers?
The only thing worse, er... better than a package of Necco wafers is a 16-pound case of Necco wafers.
Necco Assorted Wafers 36ct Box
Amazon Price: (as of 12/23/2009)
NECCO Wafers Jingle
This pretty much sums it up.
Christmas Candy Corn? I'm So Confused
I do not understand
OK, so I get that candy corn is popular at Halloween because of the festive fall colors and because no one can figure out if corn is a vegetable or a grain so we've agreed to call it a candy. But Christmas candy corn? This I do not understand.
Jelly Belly Reindeer Corn
Amazon Price: $6.85 (as of 12/23/2009)
Buy Some Real Candy Instead
M&Ms have it all. This is what candy is supposed to be: chocolate, peanuts, pretty colors.
M & M's Peanut - 48 / 1.74 oz. pks
Amazon Price: $38.70 (as of 12/23/2009)
Sound off if you love circus peanuts!
submit
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Reply
- WhiteOak50 WhiteOak50 Sep 14, 2009 @ 12:37 pm
- This is cute! The one candy listed that I like is the marshmellow cirus peanuts?? Or at least I did 15 years ago when I last ate one.
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Reply
- mukunda22 mukunda22 Sep 14, 2009 @ 1:13 am
- Let's face it: Halloween candy really is bad, bad, bad!! Always after Halloween, people come to our Triage area sick to the stomach and other symptons not worth writing about here.
But it's good while it lasts.
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Reply
- bdkz bdkz Sep 13, 2009 @ 8:14 pm
- Congratulations! You've been SquidBoo Blasted. Happy Halloween!
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Reply
- Karen Karen Nov 4, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
- All time worst treat? Pennies and change that Ijust throw away!!!
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Reply
- Matt Matt Oct 30, 2008 @ 9:41 am
- nice!
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