Bad Halloween Candy

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Trick or... oh, man! Raisins?

Here's a look at some of those trick-or-treat items that every kid dreads, along with some advice on what to do if you get stuck with them.

Raisins 

"Nature's Candy" is an oxymoron

The treat
It's fruit. Sticky, wrinkled, rabbit-turd-shaped fruit.

The trick
These things belong in oatmeal cookies and bowls of bran flakes. They have no business in my trick-or-treat bag. Cover them in chocolate, and then we'll talk.

What to do with it
Bake some cookies or put them in your breakfast cereal. Better yet, feed them to the birds - those little boxes aren't sealed. At the very least, check the backyard for a rabbit cage on your way to the next house.

If You Insist... Get Newman's Own Raisins in Bulk 

Newman's Own®Organics California Raisins, 1.5-Ounce Boxes in 6-Count Packages (Pack of 12)

Amazon Price: $27.14 (as of 07/13/2009)Buy Now

That's 72 boxes of raisins, and 947 trips to the bathroom.

Candy Corn 

It's pretty.

The treat
Waxy concoction of sugar, honey, and gelatin designed to look like corn kernels, because nothing says sugary goodness like a vegetable.

The trick
With its festive look and waxy texture, it is clear that candy corn is a decoration, not a food.

What to do with it
Save it for next year, because yesterday (October 30) was National Candy Corn Day. Don't worry, it'll keep.

If You Insist: A Lifetime Supply of Candy Corn 

Jelly Belly Candy Corn, 3-Ounce Bags (Pack of 24)

Amazon Price: $45.49 (as of 07/13/2009)Buy Now

I'm pretty sure it's not really food, so there should be no concerns about shelf life.

Lewis Black hates candy corn too 

(but he loves cursing, so watch out)

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Pennies 

Abe deserves better than this

The treat
Cash money!

The trick
You can't buy anything with five cents. And if it isn't edible, it doesn't belong in the trick-or-treat bag (see also Circus Peanuts).

What to do with it
Not much you can do with this one. You can't throw it away (Who throws away money?), and you can't eat it. If it came from a little old lady's house, at least you can recycle the tiny square of aluminum foil.

If You Insist... Use Recycled Aluminum Foil 

If You Care 100% Recycled Aluminum Foil Roll, 50 Square Feet (Pack of 5)

Amazon Price: (as of 07/13/2009)Buy Now

Wrap those tiny stacks of pennies in tiny squares of 100% recycled aluminum foil.

Moose A. Moose doesn't like candy corn either 

Candy Corn

Runtime: 1:05
205247 views
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Circus Peanuts 

I'd rather just eat the elephant poop.

Circus peanuts photo by hyperbolicpantsThe treat
Sugar, corn syrup, artificial color, artificial flavor, and (tragically, not artificial) pig-skin gelatin. Shape: peanut; color: orange; flavor: banana, of course.

The trick
This isn't the circus, and those aren't peanuts.

What to do with it
Take them out of the package (rubber gloves would not be out of line), lay them out to dry up, and use them to build something. Alternatively, make yourself a nice bowl of circus peanut salad. No kidding. Check it out.

If You Insist... 9 Pounds of Circus Peanuts 

Could not locate item B000PDHD5C. Please try again.Sorry, there are no results available from Amazon.

Circus Peanut Salad 

This is just wrong.

Trailer Park Valentine Recipe: Circus Peanut Salad

Runtime: 8:31
14101 views
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Real Halloween candy concerns? 

Razor blades? I looooovve razor blades.

Lots of people believe that poison, needles, and razor blades are the biggest dangers in the trick-or-treat bag, but they're wrong. The poisoned candy scares in the 70s and 80s were all hype, unlike the real and unrelenting terror of rubbery, banana-flavored peanuts.

The poisoned candy scare was a moral panic in the United States during the 1970s and 1980s regarding the threat that children could be in danger of ingesting razor blades, needles, or poison introduced to candy by tampering, especially during traditional Halloween trick-or-treating.

Snopes.com classifies the panic as "false".snopes.com: Halloween Poisonings It has been blown out of proportion by the news media and others. To date there have been several studies by independent and law enforcement agencies to determine the veracity of these claims, none of which have provided any verifiable evidence a child has ever died or been seriously harmed by candy picked up while trick-or-treating. Though needles have turned up on an extremely rare basis, this may have been the result of a copycat effect based on the news reports.

NECCO Wafers 

What's up with the ones made out of soot?

NECCO Wafers photo by bunchofpantsThe treat
Colorful discs in chocolate, lemon, lime, orange, clove, wintergreen, cinnamon, and licorice. As you might expect, the pink one is the wintergreen.

The trick
I would have thought sidewalk chalk would crumble, but apparently it slices up quite nicely.

What to do with it
Donate it to a teacher. School budgets are tight, and all the pretty colors will help hold the kids' interest more than the plain old white chalk.

If You Insist... Giant Box of Necco Wafers 

Necco Assorted Wafers, Jr., 11-Ounce Bags (Pack of 24)

Amazon Price: $51.69 (as of 07/13/2009)Buy Now

The only thing worse, er... better than a package of Necco wafers is a 16-pound case of Necco wafers.

NECCO Wafers Jingle 

This pretty much sums it up.

Rejected Necco Wafers Commercial

Runtime: 0:13
3080 views
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Buy Some Real Candy Instead 

M & M's Peanut - 48 / 1.74 oz. pks

Amazon Price: $39.95 (as of 07/13/2009)Buy Now

M&Ms have it all. This is what candy is supposed to be: chocolate, peanuts, pretty colors.

Sound off if you love circus peanuts! 

Lensmaster

Karen wrote

All time worst treat? Pennies and change that Ijust throw away!!!

Reply Posted November 04, 2008

Lensmaster

Matt wrote

nice!

Reply Posted October 30, 2008

bdkz wrote...

Very cute!

ReplyPosted October 20, 2008

Lensmaster

hellfish wrote

necco wafers are my favorite candy. not snickers bar good, but they have there own, more subtle attraction for me. lay off the criticism or i'll have to place a roll of the treats as a suppository up your nougat.

Reply Posted October 11, 2008

d-artist wrote...

yummy all that candy, but I eat Raisins every day...check out my "Sunmaid" lens 5*s

ReplyPosted September 02, 2008

 
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