Don't Tick Off Your Bartender

I can honestly say that I really find bartending very enjoyable. I know that there are a lot of bartenders out there like me who really take pride in mixing a good drink and taking care of their customers. I also have come across some that you can just tell they really do not want to be there. For those bartenders the following rules really won't apply. They are really only going to do you some good if you have a good and competent bartender. And I know you can tell the difference.

Bartending is a job that requires special skills, which include patience with snotty and rude customers, the ability to multi task, proficiency at handling large sums of money, memorization of hundreds of recipes, able to take remember, and deliver more than one order at a time, and the physical stamina to endure intense bursts of physical labor. Many bar patrons do not understand that bartenders are not only bound by rules and policies of their establishment, but also by the laws of the state. Please remember these guidelines when you are a guest at your favorite bar, restaurant or nightclub.

Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.

Whistling:
This is the number one NO NO. You whistle at dogs, not people.

Waving Money
Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite". Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.

Not Having Your Money Ready:
We are waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, everyone is waiting on you.

Yelling Out The Bartender's First Name
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartenders do to Mine is Angel

Saying "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it"
Oh you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drinks strong. Why you say this you're assuming I make weak drinks (WHICH IS INSULTING) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the second best way to get a weak drink.

The Ever Expanding Drink Order:
You want a Bud. I go get it, I come back and now you want a Margarita. Ok no problem, I come back and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila too. You really could have told us this all at once

The Redirect (or Bait n' switch)
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um don't do that okay! Chances are she's not ready and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in thirty minutes.

The Confused Lost Look
This is usually accompanied by the question "what kind of beer y'all got?" While looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar right? You didn't just appear here did you?

The Daddy Warbucks
Dressed in classic day trader wear, this loud boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip.

High Maintenance Shooter Orders
Example, "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer a Red Snapper, 2 Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple, and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation-Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see you. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance. If two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.

Assume we know you're in the band:
We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free or reduced drink prices, feel free to tip.

Assume we know you period:
Unless, you've followed the first "DO" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us. And when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.

Apologize for sucking:
Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "Ill get ya next time" We know all about you.

Assume Soft Drinks Are Free:
Are they free at McDonalds? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere?

Put Pennies and Nickels In The Tip Jar
We don't want that crap in our pockets anymore than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?

Be "The Microbrew Aficionado"
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter, but still can't bring himself to drink "schwag". He's the one who has to sample some new berry wheat harvest ale that he heard about. "Do you have the new Vernal Equinox Special Welcome Fest?"
"Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle.

Be a "Whiney Baby"
Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue. We've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," the forget it. You don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law plain and simple.

As you will see there's not that many Do's, because to me it's really not that complicated. All you have to do is to treat us the same way you would want to be treated. It's actually very simple if you just follow these 3 very simple tips:

Tip:
Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.

Be Patient:
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.

Understand:
We are human not machines, we know you're there however you are not the only or most important one in the bar. I am also far from being perfect, so if I do forget something just be a little patient as. Because at any given moment during a busy shift I am calculating tabs in my head as well as making change for the previous transaction and taking on new drink orders all at the same time. That is something that is not as easy as it seems and I'll be the first to admit that I make mistakes now and then.

Honestly any amount is fine.. I appreciate anything from 1 penny (to be extreme, don't take that penny thing literally) to as much as all the money you got, house, cars, jewelry, tickets to something good etc....etc....you get the idea. The main point I like to make as much as I can as far as tipping goes. Just as long as your consistent. If you want to tip me a lot, I Thank You, if you only want to tip a dollar? I Thank You the same.

The tip is entirely up to you.... please don't ask me how much I want cause I'll ask you for ALL you've got, hey all you can say is no. I will probably have some bartenders read this and wonder what I am thinking, but I believe that there is not a set standard to tip per drink or for so many drinks. I fully believe that you should tip not just based off of your order, but on how well the bartender does their job. Maybe I think this only because I am very confident in the way I interact with my customers and how I mix a drink.

I truly love bartending and I take great pride in my job. It's not always the case, but a lot of the time if a bartender gets upset over a small tip or lack of it's usually because they didn't do their job very well. I truly think that too many bartenders and wait staff expect that since they are there they deserve to be paid even if they don't do their job.

Now on the same note if you want special treatment, tip accordingly. Bartending is not charity work you get what you pay for. Don't even bother to use the argument that bartenders get paid minimum wage, because you will be laughed into the pits of shame.

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When ordering a round of shots, it is NOT appropriate for each member of your group to order a different shot.

People who pay cash and say, "I'll get you at the end" DON'T 95% of the time. Erase that phrase from your vocabulary and drop a $20 the first round for good service

If you order ANYTHING with Red Bull, you are not allowed to bitch about the price. Seriously

Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up

Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong

If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. They'll get the message

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

If she buys you a drink, she likes you

If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference

Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence

It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people

If there is a D.J., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works

If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store

Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink, and if you get one, tip accordingly or don't expect one again

If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass

A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else

After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling"

If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it

Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row

Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar

Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know

Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English

Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked

Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block

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If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure youtip well before and after, regardless of their response.

The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying "I'm an idiot."

Never ask a bartender "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

If there is a line for drinks, get your drink and step the heck away from the bar.

If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

Berr makes you mello, Champagne makes you silly, Wine makes you dramatic, and Tequila makes you felonious.

The greates thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

If the lights suddenly get really bright and the music turns off, that probably means you should head for the door.

You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.