Concerning hobbits

So, By now it should be obvious that I am just slightly obsessed with Tolkien in general and hobbits in particular. Everyone needs a hobby...mine happens to be hobbits. This might lead you to think that the news that a Hobbit movie is in the works would be putting me over the moon, on the edge of my seat, frantic with anticipation.

Nope.

Not in the least. I view the coming release of the Hobbit movie with as much fear and loathing as I anticipate root canal, or a tax audit.

If the same people do the same things to The Hobbit that they did to Lord of the Rings, it will be a travesty of the highest water. Those movies were abominable. They misrepresented Tolkien's Middle-Earth in ways that, even now, I have a hard time believing can exist.

Not the settings. Let's get that out of the way up front. They were, for the most part, pretty accurate depictions of the lands of Middle Earth. You will always find someone willing to moan about the Shire being too shaggy, or the Plains of Rohan too hilly- but by and large, Jackson got it right.

And the costuming. Not a bad job - if we ignore Arwen, which it's best to do anyway. The Gondorians were suitably impressive in their Black and Silver, with the tree emblem, the Rohirrim had just the right amount of horse hair blowing into their teeth from the helmet locks. the hobbits were natty in their weskits and short pants, and what could go wrong with bearded wizards in long robes with big pointy sticks? So I anticipate more of the same in the Hobbit- weskit, short pants, and of course, the dwarven armor. The hoods might come off strangely, though...but I am keeping an open mind on that one.

The casting? This will be debated forever, or at least as long as the movies continue to be watched. SOME of the casting was brilliant. Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, Sean Astin as Sam. How do I define perfect? When I saw these people on screen, my mind clicked immediately. That was how I had seen those characters for over 30 years, through many re-readings of the books. But the rest? Just didn't make it. And I fear the same will happen with The Hobbit.

Bilbo is 50 years old when the dwarves arrive and he gets caught up in their quest. Granted, hobbits live a little longer than Men do - but a 50 year old hobbit is not going to look 19, or even 29. But, as I have been seeing from the casting rumors, in the movie, he will.

And I say it now, and tell you three times... there are NO women in The Hobbit. None. There are a few female animals - non speaking parts- a white hind in Mirkwood, some of Beorn's serving animals were female, but at no time are we told about any significant female anywhere. All the elves in Rivendell - all the dwarves - all the Men at Laketown, the elves in the Elven King's halls, the goblins, eagles, wargs, trolls, every last one of them male. The first woman that appears in the film should be soundly booed and hissed!

And how much of Tolkien's brilliant little story will be lost among the CG effects? Everyone is expecting much to be made of Smaug. Will anyone be able to recall that this is Bilbo's most heroic hour? And without that, the entire point of the story disappears. like ponies left out for dragon dinners!

Will we be subjected to onslaughts by stone giants? Their existence is still debated - like balrog's wings, were they real or metaphorical?

How much time will Beorn dance in the moonlight with his bears?

And how much time will Bilbo spend rescuing the dwarves from the spiders, or the elf-king's dungeons? I dread those scenes, seeming hours of creeping through near darkness, poorly lit scenes, strange noises all around...

But what I fear most is the Finding Of The Ring. It is not a huge deal within the Hobbit story. Bilbo lucks out and finds a magic ring which makes him invisible at the most opportune times. THAT'S IT!!! That is all there is to it! Of course, there is the Riddle Game, which could go well if Gollum is allowed only half the limelight (one can always hope), but that has nothing to do with the Ring being the ONE RING! Bilbo must remain completely ignorant of the Ring's true origin and power, or the rest of the story just doesn't work. He can't know he has an artifact of such great power in his pocketses, or he will never be able to go back to Bag End with the clear peace of mind that he does- and live there untroubled for 60 more years, until the age of the War of the Ring. And if Bilbo doesn't stay in Bag End -blissfully unaware that he is holding Sauron's RIng, and goes out into the wide world with it, then the Ring will be found, Sauron will regain it, and the world as we know and love it will shrivel up and submit to the Dark Lord.

But will any of this matter to the movie makers - who right now are probably plotting the thunder and Sauron flashbacks and red lighting effects that will manifest themselves when Bilbo touches the ring? Or worse - will the actor tapped to play Bilbo be coached by Elijah Wood in the eye-rolling face of Ring Power Overtaking Defenseless Hobbit?

Yes, I fear the upcoming Hobbit movie for exactly the same reason as many will praise it. It will introduce many more people to Middle Earth. But if this turns out as badly as the LAST introduction...that is just that many more people who will only know the Fun House Mirror version of Middle Earth. And that is a thought that saddens me to the bottoms of my furry hobbit feet.