How to Deal With Confrontations and Beat Social Anxiety

Do you have difficulty standing up for yourself when you know you really should? Do you later beat yourself up as you think of all the things you should have said during a confrontation...things you didn't say because you felt your heart pounding or your throat closing up on you?

This is yet another manifestation of social anxiety. You would like to be able to think on your feet and you have good verbal skills, but you close down and comply when others raise their voice or disagree about something that is important to you. This is another example of your social anxiety is at work.

It is even worse if you have it so bad that you can't even approach someone about something that you fear may turn into a disagreement or confrontation. For example, if you want to ask the neighbor at your apartment to turn down the music, or you notice the cashier didn't give you the advertised discount. These are all examples of situations that people who have social anxiety may struggle with.

The reason you struggle witht these types of situations is that you are avoiding the sensations of anxiety that threaten to overwhelm you. This type of avoidance is described as "safety behaviors," because you are behaving in such a way as to increase your feelings of safety; that is, safety from feeling anxious. Safety behaviors make anxiety worse over time. Gradually reducing and eliminating safety behaviors is the only way out.

The solution is to practice two strategies simultaneously until you have mastered your fear. The first strategy is to gradually develop assertiveness skills. Being assertive means you neither yell and become nasty, nor roll over and give up. It's the in-between version, where you firmly, but politely, state your case. You may think that you can't do that, but before you give up and decide to hide from conflict for the rest of your life, consider that all change that is really worth it takes sustained effort over a period of time.

What you do first is simply practice assertiveness by telling people your views and opinions more often. Start with friends, then graduate to acquaintances or strangers. State your opinion about things that may be controversial. Before you do it, mentally prepare yourself by vowing that you will not back down or apologize if they disagree. Maintain eye contact and a pleasant look of full acceptance of the other person if they disagree. Realize that for most people, disagreement is not painful like it is for you. Some people thrive on it and would never imagine that an argument might cause another portion of the population to feel anxiety that makes them want to hide under a rock or disappear. The self-talk part of these exercises is crucial. You need to coach yourself in your own mind as you manage the discomfort that will come up as you face the anxiety. Say, "It's okay with them if I disagree. They may seem irritated, but that's just how people communicate, it doesn't mean that they don't like me or wish me harm. It's perfectly natural for me to hold to one opinion, while they hold to another." By actively working to calm your anxiety, in the midst of facing your anxiety, you will make progress in improving social anxiety and improving your ability to be assertive.

The next step will be to ask a friend to disagree with you about something and practice being assertive. Ask them for feedback every two or three minutes. Ask them if they are thinking hateful thoughts about you as a human being. You will find that they are focused in proving themselves to be right; they don't hate you or think you are awful for having a different opinion. You need this friend-version of practicing to build up a memory that you can tap into when you are facing a less friendly person. The next step is to start a log in which you list any situation that you need to be assertive in (no matter how small or trivial). Do this each morning before you get dressed. Plan in your mind when you will be assertive and the basic idea you need to convey. Plan on feeling anxious and not running from the feeling. Plan on allowing the other person to notice that you are anxious and be ready to use the following self-talk in your mind, "I have every right to be anxious and still stand up for myself. If they have a problem with my anxiety, then that's their problem, because anxiety is just a normal reaction for people like me who have social anxiety." Say this to yourself with conviction to avoid a situation where you back down as soon as they begin to disagree with you. You don't want to back down because of a fear that they will notice that you are getting shaky, sweaty, trembly-voiced, or whatever.

The second strategy to implement simultaneously, is the development of good negotiation skills. You can turn down the heat on many confrontations by practicing with good negotiation skills. A starting point for this is to develop a BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement). In other words, it's what you would fall back on if an agreement cannot be reached. For example, if I am determined to pay 12,000 for a car and I can't get the salesman any lower than 12,500, my BATNA may be to take the 12,500 deal. Or it may be to walk away and not buy the car. The important thing is that you plan your BATNA in advance, because it stops you from backing down to easily and stops you from feeling trapped.

The other reason negotiation skills are important, is that they take your mind off of yourself and your anxiety. Remember, that people with strong levels of social anxiety focus too much on how others are perceiving them, and not enough on the other person. Focusing on the other person actually relieves anxiety because it takes your mind away from the the fear of how the other person is perceiving you. So, for example, if you begin to see the person you approached about a group assignment getting angry after you confront them about failing to do their part, you can use negotiation skills to say something to re-focus them on finding a shared solution: "You seem really frustrated. What ideas do you have for how we could make this work out for all of us who are involved in this?" Then, really, really, really listen and focus on what the other person needs to hear in order to get back to a solution search and away from an anger fest.