Becoming a Foster Parent...or Should I?

Before any major undertaking in life, you have to settle on your WHY and write it down.

WHY do you want to do this? Or, why do you THINK you want to do this?

The answer to this is as personal as you and your family.
Take time to discuss your WHY with your family. Your spouse or significant other and your own children (if you have any or if they're still living at home) have to be a part of the decision.

Everyone is going to have to move over and sacrifice to make room for the new kids.
We sacrifice space, privacy, stuff/toys, a little sanity, and time. Remember, your children will be sacrificing some of the time they spend with you.

Your WHY is going to have to be stronger than the inconveniences and troubles you will encounter as a foster parent.
If it's not, it's OK...there are other options...keep reading.
If it is, that's great!...keep reading!

What's my WHY?
I love the job of being a mom, the rewards always outweigh the challenges.
I love helping children with special needs and challenges work on life & coping skills and become successful in dealing with the unique issues they face in everyday life.

I'm always asked this question...so here is my perspective...

In regards to actually getting registered as a foster parent, the process is unique to each state.

You start by calling the state agency that handles foster care services and they will tell you how to go about submitting the paperwork, completing the training and home study.

I would venture to say that every state does a criminal history background check, inspects your home, and provides free training on the foster care system and the issues that arise when parenting foster children.

You also will have an opportunity to specify age group and gender of the children you prefer to work with as well as problem behaviors you DO NOT want to work with (like firesetting or animal cruelty).
You will also be given the contact information for your local foster and adoptive parent support group.

That's the nuts & bolts.
Now for the blood, sweat & tears.

How do I do it EMOTIONALLY.
I hear it a lot from people..."I don't think I could take care of the kids and then let them go."

Of course I get attached to the kids and it is sad when they leave.
If you don't care when they leave, if you didn't connect and bond emotionally with them, you shouldn't be doing it.
Foster children NEED to bond and emotionally attach to their foster families. It is part of their healing process and it helps them reconnect with their parents or bond with an adoptive family.
The ability to emotionally attach sets a person apart from a serial killer or a sociopath.
Our tears and sadness when the kids leave is a small price to pay.

I always keep in mind, being a Foster Parent is about what is best for the children. Period.
Children will always want their parents, no matter what the parents behavior or what they are guilty of.
As long as the parents get clean or complete their court ordered activities, children are always better off with their birth parents...as long as they can keep the kids safe.
As a foster parent, you are taking care of someone else's children for them.
They have the right to correct their mistakes and get a second chance.
Who was it that said "Who without sin can cast the first stone."?

That's my coping mechanism for letting them go. Sure, some kids get in my heart especially deep and I miss them a lot. But that's part of the territory. I can only do my best to prepare the children emotionally for their next step.

If you decide to become a foster parent, you need to get this right in your head and your heart.
It is very destructive to the children if you harbor negative attitudes towards their birth families. The kids need to know that their parents are OK and that you are OK with their parents. It greatly impacts their self esteem and anxiety levels.
If you can't deal with it, serve children in another way.

I have to mention here the many sides of the foster care system.

The very nature of the system is adversarial.
We all have to remember that the system is run by human beings. Human beings are not perfect and we are all unique in our personalities, beliefs, and ways we interact with each other.

Parents
Parents are in a situation where they are losing custody of their children.
It is a horrible experience for the parents who must experience a tremendous sense of powerlessness, shock, shame, denial, guilt, and anger.
Their kids are taken away...which would make me nuts to begin with...and placed with people they do not know...how frightening that is for moms & dads not to know who their children are with, or where they are, or even if their kids are together.

We are talking about a lot of intense emotion.
On top of that, the parents are likely dealing with legal, domestic violence, and substance abuse issues.
These people are going through a very bad time in their lives and often lash out in anger and indignation.

Children
The children are terrified and distrught.
The kids come to their foster homes with a lot of baggage, a lot of emotional and behavioral issues, and some with special needs.
They have been taken out of their homes...often with police present...and left their families, belongings, and favorite comfort things.
The kids do not want you (the foster parent) and will tell you so.

They are in a constant turmoil of how to behave, of being wanted by you (fp), of wanting you (fp), of wanting to be with their own parents and feeling intense loyalty for them.

Foster Parents
We are stuck in the middle.
Our job is to parent the children until, hopefully, the parents complete the court ordered steps to learn how to live clean, legal lives and learn parenting skills to keep their children safe.

Some people think we are saints.
Some people think we're doing a great thing but must be a little crazy.
Some people think we are only in it for the money and mistreat or outright abuse the children.

All you have to do is a google search to find all kinds of negativity about the foster care system and foser parents abusing foster children.
Unfortunately, the bad things that happen get more attention than the good things.

Being a foster parent can be a thankless job.
Thankfully, it is a job sprinkled with thousands of little moments of joy.

The Agency
The case managers have a very hard job. They are underpaid and have overloaded case loads.
Their mistakes are magnified beyond belief and rarely get public kudos.
People in general regard social services employees with a certain amount of distrust.

The people who choose to work for the foster care agency are very dedicated people who have a personal mission to help the children.

Of course, they are all individuals and their different personalities and beliefs come into play in their work. They have to work with birth parents, foster parents, schools, healthcare agencies, judges, lawyers, and physically see the children a certain amount of time every month.

Any social services agency in any state is not perfect. There are going to be problems inherent when working with an overburdened and underfunded government agency.
But we must not overlook all of the things that go right.
Think of the parents who get their lives straight and reunify with their children.
That is a huge success!

Take a look at this video put together by Bethany Christian Services.
They are just one of several organizations who handle foster care and adoptive services.

Foster Care--The Toughest Job You'll Ever Love

If you're not sure if becoming a foster parent is for you, I have included a few lists of things you can do to get involved.