Improving Children's Behavior

The gifts are unwrapped and most are scattered around your tree and living room. Some of the excitement is wearing off, and it's becoming obvious which are the favorite toys. Now's a great time to sneak those less-than-coveted items to the back of the closet where young children are likely to forget all about them. Later, in a few months when it's a boring day, bring out a "new" toy from Christmas and watch the fun begin all over again. You'll be a hero and your child will be occupied for a few more days.

Now that the holidays have come and gone, it's time to try to get back into a normal routine. If you have young children, this can be easier said than done, though. They've been overloaded on attention, saturated with sweets, and stoked up on holiday excitement. It can be tough to get them to settle down! Here are a few practical tips to try.

Remember to be consistent with your expectations and responses. If the kids are old enough to talk, you can even discuss how things might need to change.

Put away a few of the holiday toys. Young children can be overwhelmed with stimulating and exciting new things. If you stash a few of less-favored pieces of holiday loot, you can bring them out again in a "toy swap" in a few weeks or months. It will be like getting another round of presents!

Put everyone back on a sensible schedule, including yourself. Regular eating, sleeping, playing and resting will add security to your child's world and will help everyone feel better.

Remember to pay attention to your kids. It can be easy to get caught up in working, housework, or other adult responsibilities, but don't fall into that trap. Kids who get their fair share of adult attention are nearly always better-behaved. Try setting a kitchen timer for "work time" and "play time" so that your youngster can begin to judge when you are a playmate and when you need to focus on other things.

Have a great winter!

Parents and experts have been arguing back and forth for years: should you reward your child for meeting your expectations? Some say yes because it improves compliance. Others say no because it smacks of bribery. Where do you stand?

In my experience, rewards are wonderful things if used correctly and sparingly. If your child is disobeying, he's already NOT meeting expectations. To my mind, rewards are temporary measures that help a child get over the hump of learning a new rule. Start by rewarding behavior that you want to increase becaues the behavior hasn't been learned yet. It's not 'natural' and most children won't see the good of doing it your way.

Once you've consistently rewarded a behavior, though, it should be happening more regularly. It's time to wean the child off of the artificial reward. Notice that I said "wean." This is a gradual process. We are trying to replace an artificial reward with the real perk of peace or pleasing you, or whatever the goal is. Here's how to accomplish this:

First of all, get the timing right. Reward consistently until the behavior is happening all the time or nearly all the time. Then, give it another week or two! You want the behavior to become habitual. Couple your artificial reward with praise and discussion about how good behaving well makes the child feel.

When the behavior is reliably good, start to decrease the rewards. At first, reward MOST of the time. Make it seem like you "forgot" once in a while. Continue your focus on the internal rewards, though-point out how good it feels to be pleasing parents or knowing that you're doing the right thing.

Decrease the reward to about half of the times that you were using. You can even set up a two-for-one system with your child-do this two times to get your treat. Continue to gradually decrease the artificial rewards until you are down to maybe one or two instances per week, and gradually, your child will lose interest.

Ta-dah! You have cemented a new and positive behavior AND moved the reward to a more internal system. Just to keep things rolling, continue to reward the behavior randomly and occasionally, so that your child will never know if the reward is coming or not, but remains hopeful. You'll find over time that the behavior has been internalized.

Children's behavior is remarkably predictable. If you find that your child seems to be acting wildly, examine your own responses to the behavior. Do you find yourself giving in to calm the kid down? You've just set the stage for a repeat of the behavior that annoys you.

Instead, stick to your guns and follow through with your consequences and rewards consistently. Like most people, children want to know where the limits are. They will test to find out that information. If the limits keep moving, then the testing must continue! If the limits are the same each time the child tries to discover them, you will make strides on improving the behavior. You will see changes for the better, I promise!

Many children have a tough time getting up for school in the morning. This problem can be an epidemic for teens! You CAN teach your child to rise and shine when needed, though. There are a few simple steps to follow. First, set up a reward and consequence system that is meaningful to your child. Waking on time probably needs an artificial outcome, since some children's bodies simply do not feel rested at this hour. Impose a negative consequence, too, if the alarm doesn't do the trick-perhaps loss of a privilege.

Step two is to banish the snooze alarm. This is the invention from you-know-where for a child who is struggling to get up independently. Tell your child that he or she needs to tell you a time when there will be life in the bedroom, and then stick to it. No excuses! Lights on and child out of bed at the appointed time.

Step three is to follow through. It's unacceptable for most families to have kids routinely missing the bus or late for school, so check on the youngster five minutes after the appointed wake up time, and if he or she is still abed, impose that negative consequence. If he or she is up and moving, be sure to follow through with the reward.

Sometimes, a quick drink of juice or a snack of jelly toast can boost early morning energy levels-you might even volunteer to bring the booster right at wake up time for a few weeks to help build the habit.

Whatever you choose to do, be consistent. Teens, especially, need to become independent at waking in the morning-college and adult jobs require it! Don't be an enabler; teach your child to rise independently NOW!

Want more information and suggestions? Check out Put an End to Morning Hassles.

No matter how far out of control your child's behavior seems to be, there is one strong reason to hope for improvement. EVERY child wants to behave, deep down inside. Children go to great lengths to gain the approval of the adults in their lives, and you can use this trait to change your child's behavior. There is hope, and you can regain control of your household.

The secret is to believe that change is possible and that you can influence that change. Find things that your child is willing to work towards, like time spent with you in a non-conflict situation, or a special privilege. And yes, it's OK to have kids work for tangible rewards. This isn't bribery, any more than a paycheck is bribery for us to go to work every day. The main problem is that children will often SAY they want something, but in reality, they truly want less tangible things but don't realize it. Then when the tangible reward doesn't seem to be working, parents write off the entire system. So try it out! Find a way to give positive attention and there's a good chance your child or teen will learn to work for that instead of something bought from the store.

Every parent has had this experience-your child is having a great time somewhere, like a restaurant playland, a friend's house, or the library. It's time to go, but when you call the youngster, you're faced with sullen responses, or even tears, screams and tantrums. It almost makes you not want to take them anywhere, doesn't it?

There's a simple solution. Many children have difficulty with transitions-the changes that everyday life throws at us all. They have an agenda, and by gosh, they want to stick to it. You can keep your agenda (leaving) from conflicting so badly with their agenda (staying) with an easy and painless technique. Set your leaving time, and then five minutes before it's time to go, give your child a warning. "We'll be leaving in five minutes" or something similar will work just fine. Then (and here's the key), about one minute before you gather them to go, tell them to do "the last thing." Most children will rush to have one more trip down the slide, look at one more book, or play one last song. After the last thing is finished, then head out the door.

Now, if your child is used to reprieves gained by unacceptable strategies, you will need to firmly enforce your departure time in spite of pleas or tantrums. Once your child is in the swing, however, and knows that this is the way it will be from now on, you'll find that the warning and "last thing" strategy work wonders, even for the youngest of kids.

A parent asked my help in teaching her child to behave. Knowing that his behavior was way out of control in many ways, I suggested we choose the absolute worst thing he did to work on first. She asked for suggestions to get him to behave when visiting others' homes. I asked her to describe his behavior in others' houses, and she said he raced all over, screaming, hitting, and knocking over furniture. I asked for her response to this behavior and she said....

"I give him cookies to shut him up."

I think I see the problem, don't you?