Death of a Child Impacts Brothers, Sisters

Many years after Dru's death I learned my son did not feel a part of the grief of adults in his life. Many years later he and I had problems communicating about anything. Many years later we still have very different memories about the first few years when mourning exhausted its multiple manifestations.

While I was still reeling from the crisis of that death, my son entered high school, college and a responsible adulthood. In large part, without support or help from me.

In the years since the death of one of my three children, many organizations have sprung up to correct the lack of resources for bereaved siblings, sons and daughters.

If you live in the Portland, Oregon area, learn about The Dougy Center. As the very first to recognize and build on the importance of peer compassion, this groundbreaking lineup of people and a plan of action has given rise to similar programs across the United States. To help you get acquainted see pictures and stories here >>.

The site has interactive menus that kids, teens and young adults can go to on their own or with a loved one to look for help. Since The Dougy Center started, now over 500 centers provide grief counseling and services. Many of them as the result of help and guidance from The Dougy Center.

Just go to the "grief support services" menu and look for the "Search Again" left-hand column. I put in "Massachusetts" and this helpful site gave me nine programs. Several of which are right here in the Western part of the state!

If you've been wanting to help grieving children, but can't get to Haiti or some other part of the world suffering horrible disasters, think about children in your own area. Not long ago a popular teenager in our area died in a car wreck. Reading about it in the paper, I was reminded of the awful night in our family. It is comforting to know there are agencies in place where I can volunteer. You may want to look into the training programs for adults who wish to take part in the activities aimed to bring grieving children together for unique understanding.

When my daughter died there were no organizations specifically for families who experienced the death of one or more of their children. As I have told in "One Loss Too Many" I was to meet other grieving parents in a kind of ad hoc way. In the year or two after Dru died, some of us got together and asked The Compassionate Friends to help us start a chapter in East Tennessee.

At that time attention went solely (and characteristic of most thinking at the time) to bereaved parents. As far as I know this East Tennessee chapter of The Compassionate Friends continues to be a vibrant and meaningful source of healing for many. At about the time we started that chapter, TCF was launching sibling discussion groups. This part of its mission continues to grow.

"The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again."

-Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

If you or someone you know suffers from the death of a child, visit The Compassionate Friends website and go to the "chapter locator." In all likelihood you will find one nearby. Go. Sit. Listen. If they have a sibling group, ask your child or one you love to go, too. No one will insist that you talk. When and if you or a child wants to talk, the room is full of others in various stages of healing.

They listen like no one else. Without affectation. With knowledge.

A lot of grief must be done on our own. Consider helping a child learn how to not do it all alone.

February 2010
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