Best Attributed Quotations Ever

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Committed to Collecting the All-Time Greatest QUOTATIONS Ever... with your help

My eternal quest to discover the wittiest, most surprising, world-changing, and entertaining Sayings, Quotations, Quips, Oxymorons and Famous Last Words has led me down some fascinating paths.

People are constantly searching for quotes for many different reasons:
> They want to punch up their speeches or presentations
> Add some zing to emails
> Jazz up an ezine or website
> Spice up their conversations
> Offer wisdom or yucks to their kids
> Cheer themselves up
> Be inspired to get up and keep going each day

To check out a great collection of terrific, entertaining quotes, sayings, amazing facts, and lots more, go to QuotableToiletPaper.com.

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Please jump in with your votes and feel free to submit your own ideas. Eventually, the "BEST" will rise to the top and the "Less than Best" will drop down.


Here in Best Attributed Quotations Ever, you will find four categories of quotations: Funny, Profound, Inspirational, and Stupid! You may contribute to some or all of these with your own choices for Best Ever Quotes.


ALSO, I hope you will contribute to these other pages:

Best SAYINGS Ever
These are anonymous (non-attributed) quotes in categories for Funny, Profound, and Inspirational.

Best OXYMORONS Ever
Oxymorons are contradictory/paradoxical phrases, and there are three categories:
Quotations (author-attributed quotes), Sayings (non-attributed quotes), and Goldwynisms (a separate group that cannot be ignored).

Best FUNNY Quotations Ever 

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

Winston Churchill1 point

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opp more...1 point

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Mae West0 points

A classic example of Exploring the Unknown is Christopher Columbus: He didn't know where he was going when he left -- he didn't know where he was when he got there -- and he didn't know where he had been when he got back!

Wernher von Braun0 points

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Derek Bok0 points

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West0 points

It is not true that Woman was made from Man's rib; She was really made from his funny bone.

Barrie0 points

Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never a convenient time for any of them.

Margaret Mitchell0 points

The best thing Congress can do is go home for a couple of years.

Will Rogers0 points

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

George Bernard Shaw0 points

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Arthur Block0 points

I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill0 points

You can't have EVERYTHING. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright0 points

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Frank Zappa0 points

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright0 points

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Mark Twain0 points

The older you get, the greater you were.

Lee Grossup0 points

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thomas F. Jones, Jr.0 points

In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience.

Mark Twain0 points

Man is still the best computer that we can put aboard a spacecraft -- and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Wernher von Braun0 points

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to the office.

Robert Frost0 points

The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.

Leo Kennedy0 points

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve the man but deteriorate the cat.

Mark Twain0 points

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers0 points

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain0 points

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough.

Niels Bohr0 points

We would not have conquered Germany without the automobile, without the airplane, without the LOUDSPEAKER.

Adolph Hitler0 points

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields0 points

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so.

Bertrand Russell0 points

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Jean Giraudoux0 points

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Hunter S. Thompson0 points

There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.

George Carlin0 points

When in doubt, DUCK.

Malcolm Forbes0 points

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Goethe0 points

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over.

Edna St. Vincent Millay0 points

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Maryon Pearson0 points

Best PROFOUND Quotations Ever 

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon1 point

I believe I've found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.

Konrad Lorenz0 points

We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

T.S. Eliot0 points

Wit penetrates; humor envelops. Wit is a function of verbal intelligence; humor is imagination operating on good nature.

Peggy Noonan0 points

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

H.G. Wells0 points

The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion.

Elizabeth Drew0 points

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Mark Twain0 points

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

Annie Dillard0 points

Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.

Mary Kay Ash0 points

Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.

Jean Cocteau0 points

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.

D.H. Lawrence0 points

In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.

John Churton Collins0 points

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.

Thomas Babinton Macaulay0 points

Until now, man has been up against nature -- From now on, he will be up against his own nature.

Dr. Dennis Gabor0 points

A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.

Max Planck0 points

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

Albert Einstein0 points

Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled by great ambitions.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow0 points

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

B.F. Skinner0 points

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

Mark Twain0 points

To individuals, insanity is rare, but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.

Friedrich Nietzche0 points

Our great human adventure is the evolution of consciousness. We are in this life to enlarge the soul and light up the brain.

Tom Robbins0 points

Each time we changed our environment, our environment changed our behavior, and our new behavior demanded a new environment.

Laurence J. Peter0 points

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.

H.L. Mencken0 points

The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.

Butler0 points

We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Ray Bradbury0 points

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be.

William Hazlitt0 points

If we live good lives, the times are also good. As we are, such are the times.

St. Augustine0 points

I wasted time and now doth time waste me.

William Shakespeare0 points

In the world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it.

Oscar Wilde0 points

Language exists only on the surface of our consciousness. The great human struggles are played out in silence and in the inability to express oneself.

Franz Xavier Kroetz0 points

Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember.

Oscar Levant0 points

Truth exists; only falsehood has to be invented.

Georges Braque0 points

Best INSPIRATIONAL Quotations Ever 

Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

Charles Dickens1 point

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

Beverly Sills0 points

Anything one man can imagine, other men can make real.

Jules Verne0 points

The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going.

David Starr Jordan0 points

A hundred times every day, I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received.

Albert Einstein0 points

Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are stiffened.

Billy Graham0 points

Some are destroyed by defeat, and some made small and mean by victory. Greatness lives in one who triumphs equally over defeat and victory.

John Steinbeck0 points

If you risk nothing, then you risk everything.

Geena Davis0 points

If thou follow thy star, thou canst not fail of glorious heaven.

Dante0 points

If it is good to live, it is even better to dream, and best of all is to awaken.

Antonio Machado0 points

The miracle is this -- the more we share, the more we have.

Leonard Nimoy0 points

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it.

Margaret Thatcher0 points

You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

Ray Bradbury0 points

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.

Larry McMurtry0 points

Best STUPID Quotations Ever 

While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, yet commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time in dreaming.

1922, Lee DeForest, Inventor of the electron tube0 points

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

1899, Director of the U.S. Patent Office0 points

...But to place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon... perhaps land alive, and then return to earth -- All that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne!

1957, Lee DeForest, the Father of Electronics0 points

That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done! The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.

1945, Admiral William D. Leahy advising Truman0 points

This fool wants to turn the whole art of astronomy upside down!

Martin Luther referring to Copernicus0 points

The actual building of roads devoted to motor cars is not for the near future, in spite of many rumors to that effect.

1902, Harpers Weekly0 points

I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocate its crew and founder at sea.

1902, H.G. Wells0 points

Even if the propeller had the power of propelling a vessel, it would be found altogether useless in practice -- Because of the power being applied in the stern, it would be absolutely impossible to make the vessel steer.

1837, Sir William Symonds, Surveyor of the British more...0 points

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