Bipolar Disorder And Me - Two Bears and a Lady

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a brain disorder that causes dramatic shifts in a person's energy level, mood and ability to function on a day to day basis. The severity of the symptoms and how often they occur vary from person to person. Bipolar Disorder can negatively affect relationships and job performance, and can increase the chance of suicide. Bipolar disorder effects men, women, teens, and can even affect children. It is not known for sure what causes bipolar disorder, but it is believed to be a combination of hereditary predisposition to the disorder and environmental factors. Bipolar disorder is normally a lifelong battle where people with the disorder have to consistently be aware of moods, sleep patterns, stress, diet, and energy levels so that medication can be adjusted and a level mood can be achieved and maintained. People without bipolar disorder have ups and downs, but they don't experience the extreme ups or extreme downs that people with bipolar disorder experience.

I fly high like a kite on a windy day
Winding and twirling
Going end over end
Higher, faster
Weeeeee look at me
I go go go
Up up up

The thunderstorm begins
The rain beats down on me
I spiral downward
Faster and faster
The wind sends me out of control
All hope for me is gone
I crash and fall to pieces

By Crystal Touchton

- an extreme happy mood, elation that is uninfluenced by any sort of bad news
- sudden or extreme irritability
- increased activity and energy levels
- rapid speech that increases in volume and speed , and can become incoherent at times
- racing thoughts and ideas
- ambitious to a fault
-taking risks
- impulsive behaviors including substance abuse, sex, and spending money
- decreased sleep with increased energy
- delusions

A little itty bitty pill will save me
If I take it every day
Easy enough, huh
No, it's not that easy
Do you know how hard it is to swallow
When you feel on top of the world
I feel so good, why take something that'll make that go away
Who wants to be even when you can be up
I know I don't
I will not take that pill as little as it may be
I will not let it save me
Save me from what?
What's wrong with feeling good
When I was sad for so long
Doesn't the world owe me some happiness anyway?
Who am I hurting anyway?
It's my body, it's my life
If you could feel like this wouldn't you?
If you could sustain this high wouldn't you?
You know you would
Leave me alone and let me fly

By Crystal Touchton

- extreme sadness
- guilt
- loneliness
- loss of interest in activities that were once important
- decreased energy
- unable to make decisions or concentrate
- restlessness
- feeling anxious and worried
- hopelessness
- change in eating habits
- change in sleeping pattern

Everything in the world seems so alive
Yet I'm dead inside
Dark and deadly are the thoughts
That haunt me daily
Tear stained eyes look back at me
When I stare into a mirror
I don't know who I am
Where did I go?
No one can save me
From the hell I must exist in
I created it inside my head
to punish myself for sins unknown
Sins unspoken, sins all my own
My sad existence is fading
with every passing moment
My mind is eating my life
Slowly eroding my self worth
Everything seems so damn fast
My mind can't keep up
The world speeds by me like I'm on heroine
And it's shooting up coke
The air feels so damp and thick
I try to breath but only choke
Damn this fight that refuses to end
Is the end my only friend?

By: Crystal Touchton

This disorder affects every aspect of my life from my friendships, to relationships with family and friends, right down to everyday tasks. I have always been moody and I have never dealt with strong emotions very effectively. From as far back as I can remember that has just been part of my personality. It is difficult for me to communicate verbally when I'm upset, so I'm usually misunderstood or misinterpreted, or I react more aggressively than I should. I am very loving and caring, but it is a chore to be close to me. My changes in moods are difficult to deal with on a good day, and on a bad they are impossible. I have a short attention span and it is hard for me to complete everyday tasks sometimes. I rarely complete a project I start, and I make poor decisions when things are not just right with my treatment. I am very aware of all of these things and I do my best to prevent problems. I think this puts me somewhat ahead of the game.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I had hit rock bottom with my moods. I was having mixed episodes. When they were not mixed, I was rapid cycling ( switching from mania to depression every few days). I had and still do have 2 children, my house was a mess, I was an emotional wreck and there was no explanation. One day while my husband was at work I decided to try and find the help I desperately needed. I called our local mental health hospital and was referred to a clinic where was told I may qualify for treatment on a sliding scale based on income. This was an answer to my prayers. I made myself an appointment through tears and when the day came for the appointment, tears ran down my face the entire time I was at the first appointment (which was to do paperwork).

On my second appointment I sat in a waiting room, my infant son in his carrier staring up at me, looking around at the other people there. I sat silently wondering if I appeared as disturbed as I felt and if I were really like the others I waited next to. Tears started to pour down my face as I thought about how my family deserved better and about how I wished my boys had a better mother. I felt so ashamed and alone sitting there in a room full of strangers. Waiting there with my youngest son, I tried to stop crying, but it was impossible. I cried throughout my whole appointment, just as I am now remembering that day and that time in my life. I saw a nurse first and I just poured my heart out to him. I was a blubbering mess by the time I spoke with the doctor that day. I don't recall just what I said, but I vaguely remember him telling me that he thought I had bipolar Disorder and he explained a little about it to me. I left that day with a new medication and an appointment for the following week.

I followed directions and by the time I went back to his office I was a different woman. I was in a dress instead of sweats, I was smiling instead of crying, I was ME. I left that day feeling positive and happy, but that was too easy. I had a terrible reaction to this medicine. By the time I went back, only two weeks later, I had scratched sores all over my body, I was twitchy, uncomfortable, and was back to the crying. I was allergic to this medicine and had a reaction the doctor had never even heard of with this medicine: my skin was crawling. I was dying on the inside, but he assured me that we would try another one after this one was out of my system.

I started the new medicine and quickly improved. I gradually learned how to adjust my meds according to my mood cycles . I am still learning how to get and stay even. I still have times where I ignore my needs and I forget to monitor my moods, sleep, food.... When I get too busy living, my life is momentarily taken away again until I can get readjusted. It is an ongoing battle and I know it will never end, but it is a battle that I am winning most of the time.

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