Birthday Jokes

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays. (Bada Bing)

What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it. Also applies to really fat kids.

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". So I got her a pack of playing cards. Didn't go over so well.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue! (Ok that was lame)

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby! (That was lame too, sorry)

What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?" (I give up)

A happy young couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

"Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

He replies, "Well, you didn't use what I got you last year!"

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "What on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "You could have ironed it first!"