Family jokes and photos in the blujay lounge

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to h*ll?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night the princess had frogs legs for dinner.

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the jerks."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."

The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."

Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world!"

McDougal stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.

"Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?"

"Father," asked McDougal, "What causes arthritis?"

"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McDougal, "The Bishop has it!"

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh ,I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

"Yuck! It's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pool, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart.

This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by."

Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy.

When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

A husband came home from work one evening. He walked in the house and saw his wife sitting on the couch watching TV. She told him she was having trouble with her car.

"My car won't start," she said. "But I know what the problem is."

"OK, What's the problem?" the husband asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," she replied.

"Come on, honey," the husband said. "You don't know how a car works, much less what the parts look like, so how can you tell me there's water in the carburetor?"

"There's definitely water in the carburetor," the wife insisted.

"OK," the husband said. "I'll go take a look. Where is it?"

The wife said, "In the lake."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers.

The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead.

The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?''

''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!'''

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor.

After a few visits,and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

10. Lets Get a Physical

9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

8. Johnny B. Olde

7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

6. The Lack O' Motion

5. Hair Potion Number Nine

4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...

3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

2. A Hard Day's Nap

And the Number One Song for People Over 40...

1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician ...

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear.

A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared.

A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared.

A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears.

One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

The first blonde GUY joke...and well worth the wait...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!" If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm ging to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping off, too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch bucket, saw the
bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WTNES: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck, " says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.

The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".

The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my first
guess."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have

been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm

and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep

on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to

Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He

made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,

and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skat es, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound

asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is

everything OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my

life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have

been sending over are delicious!"

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband
go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible " theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......... Smack his butt again!"

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Merry Christmas!

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Frank was on trial for first-degree murder, facing lethal injection if convicted, and the trial didn't seem to be going well for him.

His brother had been eyeing a good-looking blonde on the jury throughout the whole trial, and before the jury began deliberating he approached the blonde and told her he'd give her $10,000 if she could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the blonde's house, told her what a great job she had done and paid her the $10,000.

The blonde replied, "I tell you, it wasn't easy getting them to change their minds like that. They all wanted to acquit him!"

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She
tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of
pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large
selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time
choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral
print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds
very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,
but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers
do not need curtains!
The blond says,
"Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, The
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 Hour
per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

Later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'