Symptoms of BPD

Symptoms Borderline Personality Disorder

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.


• Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (generally called splitting).


• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.


• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).


• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.


• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.


• Chronic feelings of emptiness.


• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.


• Transient, stress, related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

People with borderline personality disorder are always in a state of uncertainty; one minute they are upbeat and happy, the next they become sulky and highly irritable.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I'm always wondering when my husband is going to leave me. When is that day going to come when he decides he's finally had enough? And because it's always on my mind, I translate everything he does to mean he doesn't want me anymore. If he wants to go to his friends house, I think he just doesn't want to spend time with me. If he's talking on the phone and he walks out of hearing distance, I wonder if he's talking to (or about) another woman. If he's late coming home from work, I wonder if he's cheating on me. If I put on make-up and he doesn't say anything, I think he must think I'm ugly. If he accidentally falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed, I think he must not want to sleep with me anymore. If he wants to go to the store by himself, I think he doesn't want to be seen with me.
So I tried to control him. I thought if I controlled him, those feelings would go away. I told him he couldn't go to his friends house anymore. And he stopped going. I told him he had to stay within hearing distance on the phone and he did. I told him to come straight home from work. And he did. I told him to stop falling asleep on the couch so he started sitting up in the recliner instead. I told him if he was going somewhere, I wanted to go with him. And he let me.
But it didn't help one bit. No matter what he did, the thought was always there.

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

This is generally called splitting. Splitting means I literally split everything into two categories. Good or Bad. There's no gray area, no in-between. I have an extremely clear sense of right and wrong. If you do all the right things, I'll be your best friend and I'll do anything for you. If you do something I consider wrong, you're dead to me. It's that simple. There's no tears, no sense of sorrow. Just a feeling of disbelief that I was ever your friend.
But, don't worry. Sometimes I'll change my mind and think you're a good person again.
But sometimes I won't. There are a few people in my life that I wouldn't help no matter what. I just consider them fundamentally bad and nothing they can do will change my mind.
My husband gets mad at me because one of these bad people is his Dad. His Dad is never happy so he tries to make everyone else unhappy. He starts arguments. He complains about everything. And he says the most awful things to us. But what really makes him bad, is that he makes my mother-in-law (who I adore) cry. Because I think he's bad, I don't do anything for him. If I cook, he doesn't get any. If I fold the laundry, I'll just pile his up on his bed. If he asks me to help him find a phone number (he can't read), I'll tell him I'm busy (even if I'm just busy watching tv). I just don't think he deserves help.
So when he asks my husband for help with something and my husband does it, I get upset. When I ask my husband why he helps someone who's so mean, my husband says "Because he's my Dad".
The sad thing is that I still don't understand it. As you can see, I still have huge problems with splitting.
This makes friendships and relationships very hard.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I really don't know who I am. Having all these mood episodes, bouncing from manic to depressed, going from feeling like I can do anything to feeling like I'm worthless, sometimes makes me feel like I'm more than one person. I mean, I really am like two different people.
Over here is the manic me. I'm happy and feel good about myself. I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I can talk to someone and walk away feeling like they really wanted to talk to me. When I finish a task, I feel like I did a great job and I'm proud of myself.
But wait. Over there is the depressed me. I'm not happy at all. I feel worthless and wonder why I'm even here. When I look in the mirror, I wonder if my husband can see how ugly I am. I don't converse with people because they don't want to talk to me. And there's no point in even starting a task because I won't do it good enough.
You see? Two different people. And do you think these two different people have the same career aspirations? The same long term goals? Even the same opinions?
It's no wonder I have no sense of self. I live life everyday knowing that who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
My self image isn't very good either. Don't get me wrong. I have all the values of someone I would want to be friends with. I help others. I'm honest. I'm smart. I have a sense of humor. And I have good morals. But it doesn't matter. Even knowing all this, I still think I'm a bad person. I think there's just something wrong with me.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

I've actually cycled through all of these. I bet every Borderline has. Actually, I bet everyone has done at least one of these. I see you're shaking your head no. Well, answer this.

Have you ever felt a little down, so you went out and bought yourself something to make you feel better?
When you and your ex broke up, did you go out and drink a beer to soothe the hurt?
Have you ever got mad and ended up driving just a little faster than you intended, possibly without realizing it?
When you didn't get that promotion you worked so hard for, did you go home and end up eating an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's?

It's really not so bad to do these things every once in a while. It's actually normal. But a Borderline can't just do it every once in a while.
Why? Because we always feel worthless. And when we realize how good we felt after buying that blouse or drinking that beer, we want to feel like that all the time. So we buy more blouses and we drink more beer. We drive fast all the time and we eat every comfort food we can find.
Then we end up in debt. We end up an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. We end up with a suspended license (or possibly, as was in my case, in the hospital). And we end up with an eating disorder. And each time one of our destructive behaviors comes to an end, we move on to the next.

Recurrent suicidal behavior or
self-mutilating behavior.
(possible trigger)

I've tried to kill myself more times than I can count. I've tried to hang myself, cut my wrists, and overdose on pills. Obviously I haven't been successful.
Why did I do this? Because I felt the world would be a better place without me. I thought nobody would care. I felt it was the only option left. Sometimes these attempts were triggered by a specific event. Sometimes they were just triggered by a severe depression.

Self mutilation is something I have a lot of experience with. I get so upset with people when they dismiss a cutter as someone who's just seeking attention. When I cut, the last thing I want is attention. In fact, I'll wear long sleeves in 100 degree weather just so noone sees my cuts.
I cut because it stops me from losing control of my anger (You'll read about the anger issues further on down). There are certain times when I absolutely can not lose control; If there's a child in the house; If my in-laws are here; If I'm in a semi-public place. During those times, cutting is the only thing that calms me down.

I don't know how to explain it. Usually when I get to the cutting point, I'm shaking so bad I can barely hold the razor blade. But the second the blade starts slicing through my skin, I stop shaking and I feel this warmth just rush over my entire body. I feel instantly calm. I feel........exhausted. So I lay my head back for a few minutes.......until the anger starts coming back. Then I lift my head and apply the blade again. I'll usually cut between 16-20 times before I feel good enough to stop. Then I'm left with a bloody arm and the responsibility of wearing long sleeve shirts for two weeks. And even though I'm a shallow cutter, I'm left with scars running up and down my arms.

I'm very proud to tell you that I haven't cut myself in almost three years.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

What this means is having intense irritability or anxiety that lasts anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Sometimes it's triggered by something. Sometimes there's no trigger, no warning. During these episodes, I'll be in a manic state. If the manic episode lasts too long, I'll move to an irritable state.

In a manic state, I'm hyper-alert. I have endless energy and can stay awake for days at a time. I talk really fast (so fast I trip over my words). My mind races so fast, sometimes I can't even form a functional sentence. I'm shaky. I forget to do the most basics things like eat food or drink water. Sometimes I experience blackouts. I've forgotten conversations I've had, day-trips I've took and even entire articles I wrote. When I'm manic, I also experience happiness. I feel good about myself. I have confidence and a sense of self-worth. I like me.

When the mania lasts too long, I'll move to an irritable state. But I guess that's normal after a person goes so long without sleep.
Other times, I'll start off in an irritable state. I truly hate those times because there's absolutely no warning. One minute I'll be fine and the next, everything is wrong. I usually end up arguing with my husband and feeling like crud.

The worst part is not being able to stop it. Actually knowing that I'm nitpicking about something stupid and not being able to stop myself.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Sometimes I just feel empty inside. Like nothing. I'm basically just existing. I don't really feel anything. I don't really care about anything. I don't really want to do anything. I just sit there wondering why I'm even here. The longest one of these episodes has lasted for me, was three weeks. I sat on the couch all day everyday not doing anything. When my husband came home at night, I didn't feel that usual burst of happiness when I saw him. I don't think I even tasted the food I ate. The only time I didn't feel empty during this whole period was at night. For some reason, every time I went to bed I was overwhelmed with sadness, so I cried myself to sleep every night.
That was the worst it ever got. Most of the time, the empty feeling just lasts a couple hours.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

Thankfully, I haven't had a bad episode in over a year. But I still remember how it feels. The smallest thing could set me off (like the straw that broke the camel's back). I start to feel hot and my thoughts get all jumbled. The room feels like it's getting smaller. It gets hard to breathe. I can feel all this anger, all this HATE building up. Then my vision gets a little cloudy and sometimes I feel unsteady (or like the room is spinning). By this point I'm shaking and clenching my fists, trying to regain control. But I can't, so I do one of two things. I either lose control completely or I start cutting myself (as described above).

If I lose control, I grab whatever's near and I throw it. Then I grab something else and I throw it. I end up breaking anything within reach. If someone is in the room, I scream uncontrollably at them. Although I've never actually (physically) hurt anyone, I know some Borderlines do. When I finally calm down, I go into a severe depressive state that lasts for days. When I'm in a severe depressive state, I won't eat. I won't drink. I won't even get out of bed. I truly don't care about anyone or anything.

Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

When I get really stressed, I get paranoid. Not the kind of paranoid where I wear tin foil hats and think someone is out to get me. Just a general kind of paranoid. I think people do things just to irritate me. I think people do things to prevent me from being happy. If I hear people talking but I can't hear what they're saying, I think they must be saying bad things about me. And I get really paranoid that people actually know that I'm not normal.
Right now, I'm not stressed or paranoid so this sounds just as ridiculous to me as it does to you. I mean, Do I really think my sis-in-law leaves her food where the dog can get it just because she knows it upsets me? No. I think she's just too lazy to put it up. But if I'm paranoid, I know she's doing it to upset me. And when I'm in that kind of state, nothing can convince me otherwise.

What makes BPD so different from other mental disorders?

Most mental disorders are caused by a chemical imbalance and can be treated with medications. This isn't so for Borderline Personality Disorder. While certain medications can help certain symptoms of BPD, none can help it as a whole. The way it's been explained to me is that during childhood, certain pathways in my brain were basically rerouted. So the only thing that helps BPD is to start over and reteach my brain how to do certain things. By that, I mean I've had to relearn how to feel. I've had to relearn how to think. I've had to relearn how to react. Reteaching my brain hasn't been easy and it's hasn't been fun. But it's been rewarding.

The process of reteaching my brain is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT). Basically DBT is a bunch of mental exercises that help someone like me develop the skills needed to manage the many overwhelming emotions I feel.

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