How To Win An Argument?

Have you ever been in an argument where your point is so valid and true you have to stop the other person speaking so they will understand? Or walked into a child's bedroom and "hit the roof" at the mess and told them to "tidy this pigsty/mess/Armageddon etc up"? Then gone off to carry on with your jobs? Has, by any chance any of the following ever happened afterwards?

1. Your argument lays on the floor in tatters unheeded, and you are left alone and angry
2. Found the child's bedroom still in the same mess but it has also acquired a tearful offspring looking more like you have beaten them with the crazy stick * than told them to tidy up?
3. Asked yourself "why is everyone making this SO difficult?" and "Am I the only one that listens round here?"

I am just guessing that mayhap this could have happened or if not something of a similar ilk.

Now, have you ever tried to move house by pushing your existing one to a new desired location? Ever had a huge tree in the garden that you wanted moving to the other end and just braced yourself and put your back against it and dug your heels in so as to move it with brute force? If the answer is yes, then you really need to read this if no, it is because you know fine well neither will move, as you would be pushing against something that is immoveable and offers back a great deal of resistance.

So it is with people. If you are so focused on only your anger and your point being the only valid point all you do is push against people and their natural instinct is to push back, put up resistance.

If you are a little bit more willing to take a little bit more time to understand someone and how they tick rather than impose yourself onto them, you are more likely to find people starting to flow with you rather than push back, you will find that you are in an amicable discussion rather than a heated argument. This can reach all aspects of life i.e. driving along someone drives up right behind your car, they then overtake, way too close to an oncoming vehicle your reaction may be to madly gesticulate to their vehicle, or even crawl way too close to them. Rather we should think "eek, I remember doing that once, making a wrong call when driving, it scared the hell out of me, poor sod is probably shaking from head to foot". Then just in your head for you to hear repeat the little mantra.

Now, let us revisit the child in the bedroom that has done a wonderful impressionist sculpture of "Childs Room In Washing Machine". Rather than demanding them to clear up (pushing against), why not start up a conversation along the lines of " hey ho you, looks like someone has been having a great time" (starts off nice and happy, therefore putting child in relaxed and happy mood), "come on, let's see if we can find your bedroom together". This way you are bending with them, enjoining with them, interacting and chances are done calmly the child will respond positively and it all becomes bonding time rather than war zone. All the child will see when you are positive is a happy, helping and caring person and will want this all the time so the child will end up trying to please you as everyone loves being with helpful happy people. Also, the great thing about young children is they truly understand the words "I'm sorry", they accept them, they love hearing an adult admitting they too are human and fallible but, unlike adults they forgive immediately. Children are wonderful mirrors of our behaviour and will INSTANTLY react to being pushed against and on the same note they will INSTANTLY react to someone bending with them.

*other imaginary sticks/hard metal objects/mitres are available from cathisdementedimagination.complicatedworld@notadotcom

A great Taoist story that illustrates this article goes something like this:

A group of intellectuals who came across a waterfall whilst strolling through the woods. As they looked into the water they noticed a body of an old man bobbing up and down in the roaring churning water. Horrified they rushed to the edge trying to figure out how they were going to get the body out to give it a decent burial. Their discussion came to a sudden and abrupt halt when the supposedly dead man stands up, walks out of the water, dries himself off and walks away. Astounded the scholars ran after the old man and asked "How did you survive in that water, no-one can survive in there, no-one ever comes out alive!" The old man replies "It's easy, you just go up when the water goes up, and down when the water goes down".

In other words you don't put up resistance and force against something to survive but understand and flow with it.