British Humour: My Favourite Jokes

A Panda walked into a bar and said: "A pint of ............. beer please"
The barman said: "Why the big paws?"

A Horse walked into a bar and said: "A pint of beer please"
The barman said: "Why the long face?"

A woman walks into a bar and says: "Can I have an inuendo?"
The barman said: "I'll give you one"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The barman said: "Is this some kind of joke?"

I walked into a library and said "MAY I HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE?"
The librarian said: "I'm sorry this is a library"
I said: "Ooops. Sorry. may I have some fish and chips please?"

A chicken walked into a library and said: "Buk"
The librarian gave her a book and she left.
The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk"
The librarian gave her three books and she left.
The next day the chicken walked into a library again and said: "Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk"
The librarian gave her five books and she left, but the librarian decided to follow her because she had never know of a chicken who was such an avid reader.
She followed the chicken to her home and watched her give the books to a frog who was ill in bed.
The frog said: " Redit, redit, redit, redit..."

Did you hear about the mexican fireman? He has two sons: Jose and Hose B

What do Mexicans put under their carpets?
Underlay, Underlay

How many number ones did Elvis have?
I don't know. Lots. It was number twos he had difficulty with.

Old Lady says to Winston Churchill: "Mr. Churchill. You are drunk!"
Churchill: "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober"

"I spent my infancy looking forward to adultery" - Anon

"Why use a BIG word when a diminutive one will suffice" - Anon

"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day - Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

"A friend will help you move house. A good friend will help you move a body"

A Irish Newspaper headline: "Cork Man Drowns"

A man walked into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and said: "I'd like to buy a monkey"
The salesman showed him three identical looking monkeys priced: $1,000; $2,000 and $5,000
The customer asked what the difference was.
The salesman said:
"The $1,000 monkey can touch-type, has basic computer skills including detailed knowledge of Microsoft Office and makes a lovely cup of tea"
"The $2,000 monkey has advanced IT skills and can program in C++, HTML, Java etc."
"The $5,000 monkey doesn't seem to do anything, but he calls himself a consultant"

Three engineers discussing religion.

One says: "God was definitely an electronic engineer, because the brain is a computer and the whole body is controlled by nerves which are like wires carrying electrical impulses"

The second said: "No. God was a mechanical engineer, because the body is a complex machine consisting of many levers being acted on by muscles which are like hydraulic pistons"

The third said: "No. God must have been a civil engineer, because who else would have put a waste pipe right next to a recreational area?"