British Native Pony Characteristics

New Forest Pony trying to look innocent and not remotely interested in your lunch.

The New Forest pony is one of our larger breeds and is often considered ideal for the older child or teenager. With a reputation for being docile and willing as well as being an excellent jumper, this is a very popular pony.

However, all is not sweetness and light. The New Forest pony is quite capable of causing acute embarrassment at the most inopportune moments as he deftly relieves the unwary of their picnic. You will find that traditional guides will trumpet the friendliness of this breed but be aware that this is just a front. The New Forest pony uses this assumed characteristic in order to obtain as much picnic food as possible

The New Forest can also be difficult to catch due to its penchant for hiding in deep undergrowth. The experienced owner soon learns to recognise the steady, focused gleaming eye as the pony plans its next move in order to scarf the pony cubes in your pocket. In one moment, the pony is lurking in the bushes then you blink and he has had the food from your pocket and is already in the next field enjoying the spoils.

~ Preferred Habitat: Behind a bush.

~ Dietary Preferences: Ham sandwiches with butter (please don't try and fool it with margarine), hard-boiled free-range eggs, chocolate digestives, HobNobs

~ Susceptible to: Indigestion, obesity, being shunned at public events.

Connemara pony possibly in the early stages of alcoholic poisoning.

Often cited as the perfect pony for the beginner, the Connemara has a sweet expression and a reputation for being safe and reliable. With its slow gait and easy-going personality, this breed is commonly thought to give confidence to nervous young riders.

Unfortunately these pleasant-seeming characteristics are mainly due to the fact that the Connemara is almost always drunk. Capable of sweet-talking his way into any bar, this is where he will spend most of his day. Regaling both locals and visitors with tales, which are patently made up, by the end of the night you will find him slumped in a stupor. Somehow he makes his way back to the bog and there lies unconscious until his need to quench his thirst drives him back to the nearest bar again.

~ Preferred Habitat: Murphy's Bar on the High Street in Galway.

~ Dietary Preferences: Draught Guinness.

~ Susceptible to: Gout, alcoholism, pickpockets.

Shetland Pony clearly demonstrating propensity for bad language.

The smallest native breed, children love the Shetland pony. For some reason they see the wee, hairy beastie as cuddly and desirable. The Shetland is as strong as an ox with an equally strong will. They are stubborn, mulish and are hardy in the most extreme weathers. He usually lives to a ripe old age.

As a pack pony these characteristics are welcome, however, these ponies are NOT suitable to spend time in the company of innocent children. These ponies have the unfortunate tendency towards swearing. Constantly muttering under his forelock, the Shetland curses in his deep island accent, which luckily most people are unable to understand. Beware, though, your children will soon become accustomed and when you hear them repeating, "Ach, awa' wi ye, ye wee b******", you will know exactly where it came from. Your only course of action is to sell the pony on as quickly as possible before the whole family becomes contaminated by this devil's influence.

~ Preferred Habitat: As far away from people as possible.

~ Dietary Preferences: Porridge (salted, not sweetened), good single malt.

~ Susceptible to: Anger, depression, speaking Gaelic, Tourette's Syndrome.

The Fell pony comes from the Lake District in North West England. Sturdy and reliable, it's reputation as a work and riding horse is unsurpassed. Sure-footed and even-tempered, it is a national favourite.

It is prudent to note that not all members of this breed share the above traits. Occasionally Fell ponies have been discovered wandering lonely as a cloud and reciting poetry. It is difficult to get these ponies to do any real work at all. They like to spend their days chatting in village shops and writing letters to the local paper before setting out on a hike up Scaffell Pike . Some even have aspirations to get into the tourist trade and open B&Bs.

Ponies bred near Sellafield have a tendency to glow in the dark.

~ Preferred Habitat: Tea shops or mountain paths.

~ Dietary Preferences: Scones with strawberry jam and cream. Strong tea from a flask.

~ Susceptible to: Literary pretensions, sensitivity to criticism, appearing on tourist information leaflets.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

From the other side of the Pennines comes the Dales pony. Longer in the leg than the Fell, this breed does well in competitive sports such as long distance riding. The modern Dales pony owes its good gait to the Welsh Cob bloodline, Comet.

Negative characteristics of the breed are to be avoided. Ponies wearing flat caps and/or smoking pipes are dour, uncommunicative and generally anti-social until they are in the pub with their mates. They tend to stick to same-sex groups, being somewhat traditional in their belief that females belong indoors. They also have an unwavering loyalty to their chosen Trade Union. In their favour, is the recent manifesto announcing the Dales' complete dissociation from Tony Blair.

~ Preferred Habitat: Working mens' clubs and allotments.

~ Dietary Preferences: Mashed carrots and turnips, Wensleydale cheese, Yorkshire pudding. John Smiths beer.

~ Susceptible to: Misogyny, moaning, voting Labour.

Photo, courtesy of the Maily Dale newspaper, shows a Dales pony inciting fellow union members to call a strike.

There have been some mutterings on a certain forum which shall be nameless, that the horse pictured above is not actually of the Dales breed. Well, hello, this is a humorous page! I wanted to find a picture which illustrated my interpretation of a Dales pony's character and which also looked 'a bit' like one. So Scout fits the bill.

Anyway, my son, Alex, has taken the 'pity they didn't use the right pic' remarks to heart and has painstakingly produced some very accurate Dales pony portraits.

Hope you like them, Dales fans!

Notorious Criminal at his Moorland Hideout

The Dartmoor pony is a great all-rounder and makes an excellent first pony. Never growing above 12.2hh, this pony is good-looking, hardy and courageous. Sure-footed and calm in traffic, this breed will give any parent confidence that their darling is safe. Indeed it is well-documented that many babies are put into the tender care of the family Dartmoor in lieu of a nanny.

Of course, most Dartmoor ponies are paragons of virtue but occasionally a rogue pony will appear. It is said that this is due to the influence of Dartmoor prison at Princetown. Several Dartmoor ponies have been discovered helping prisoners escape and some have even taught themselves to drive and stolen getaway vehicles from lone women driving over the moors late at night. Very often these sorry individuals will turn to a life of crime. One very famous example is a rock-thief and has never been caught (see main photograph of the infamous criminal with his collection of stolen rocks).

~ Preferred Habitat: On the open moor, usually disguised as a cow or sheep.

~ Dietary Preferences: Devonshire clotted cream, pasties, jam tarts stolen from an unguarded windowsill.

~ Susceptible to: Breaking the law, wearing prison overalls, a liking for fast cars.

The Elusive Exmoor pony - nowhere to be seen.

Another wonderful child's pony the Exmoor is extremely attractive with its mealy muzzle and dark colouring. This is the purest of our native breeds having had little contact with the outside world. Indeed, it is this elusiveness that makes the Exmoor an almost mythical creature.

And, this, I'm afraid is the main problem with these ponies. They live in a constant state of terror, being frightened of their own shadows. This unfortunate characteristic stems from the Royal Airforce using Exmoor for practice bombing during WW2. As a consequence, these poor animals are shy in the extreme. They prefer to live a solitary existence, leading the life of a hermit. Dating is a nightmare for them hence their very low numbers. Occasionally, we will find one who has dared to make himself known as an eco-warrior. These souls are always vegan and spend their whole lives wearing flip-flops and dreadlocks. The mares of this breed are obsessed with Lorna Doone and will, occasionally, venture into the counselling professions.

~ Preferred Habitat: Dark caves, up trees, in hiding.

~ Dietary Preferences: Lentils, home-grown organic vegetables, tofu.

~ Susceptible to: Loneliness, post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

The Highland is descended from wild pony breeds prevalent in the ice-age. Indeed he shares many physical characteristics with corresponding Scandinavian breeds, being stocky of build, hardy and usually light in colour. He often displays the primitive dorsal stripe along his back and some foals have 'zebra' legs. He, like all our native breeds (with the possible exception of the foul-mouthed Shetland) is a suitable child's pony. He is very strong in the neck and can take some holding, so make sure your child undergoes some form of weightlifting training in order to attain the strength required to control this breed.

Like several of our other breeds, the Highland can sometimes develop a weight problem. He happily enjoys a deep-fried Mars bar and, like his fellow Scot, - the Shetland, a finger or two of finest single malt whisky.

All in all, the Highland pony is a pretty nice representative of our native breeds. However (and you knew there was going to be a 'however', didn't you?), one of the nasty traits of this breed is its disgusting habit of spitting. I'm sorry to say that Highland ponies have been witnessed spitting in the street, especially around pub closing time. After a few pints of beer, he is likely to lose his sense of decency, shouting and singing incomprehensibly, demanding kebab and chips, attempting to muscle his way into nightclubs and leering at females of any species. And spitting.

If you do happen to buy such an animal, you will have to keep it away from public view and probably away from your children too - just look at what happened to the poor young chap in the photo after his pony, true to form, spat right in his face. Shudder... not nice.

~ Preferred Habitat: Watching TV, nightclubs, driving round town in a souped-up hatchback pounding out drum n' base.

~ Dietary Preferences: Deep fried anything, donner kebabs, Carlsberg lager.

~ Susceptible to: Miserly tendencies, considering himself irresistible to the opposite sex, heart attacks.

Photo courtesy of monkeypuzzle, under the Creative Commons Licence.

The Welsh Cob is Britain's largest native breed and what a fine handsome fellow he is. Strong and showy, under saddle or in harness, he is everyone's favourite, as his gleaming coat and flowing tail catches the late afternoon sun at the famous Royal Welsh Show. Although he is horse-sized, he still has that characteristic pony look - indeed, he is the perfect model for a child's rocking-horse.

I'm glad to say that the Welsh Cob does not have too many negative characteristics, as he is one of Wales' best ambassadors. However, his one fault is that he does take his starring role just that little bit too seriously. Yes, I'm afraid that the Welsh Cob is drawn towards that fickle mistress - show business. He is often driven (literally) into public performances which can include opera, film and TV acting and stand-up comedy.

It is true he has a fine baritone singing voice and several of his breed have successfully integrated into the Treorchy Male Voice Choir. Unfortunately, it is a little embarrassing for us Welsh, to have to endure one reading the evening news on the BBC. We are enamoured, though, of the role of the Welsh Cob in the acclaimed sitcom, Gavin & Stacy.

I can completely understand the temptation of purchasing one of these magnificent beasts, but be aware that you may have to spend all your spare time driving up and down the M4, towing a horsebox, in order for him to attempt to fulfil his dreams of stardom under the bright lights

~ Preferred Habitat: On stage.

~ Dietary Preferences: Leeks, sushi, G&Ts.

~ Susceptible to: Breaking into song, liking the sound of his own voice, flattery.

Photo courtesy of amandabhslater, under the Creative Commons Licence.

Welsh Mountain pony Practising unicorn cuteness.

What can I say about this almost perfect pony? He has the looks, the stamina, the hardiness and the willingness to qualify for the best child's pony award. The Welsh Mountain has been improved by a smidgeon of Arabian blood over the years, resulting in a pony so beautiful that he can reduce a grown man to tears. He also has the most wonderful soprano voice, capable of wowing the audience at each and every Welsh National Eisteddfod.

The only drawback to this delightful creature is its somewhat superior attitude. The Welsh Mountain is prone to sticking its nose in the air and pointedly ignoring anyone, human or equine, who he thinks is socially beneath him. This results in jeering and ridicule from his less blessed fellow natives.

On the other hand, the Welsh Mountain pony is so perfect, so angelic, so beautifully behaved that, upon occasion, he grows a single horn, sprouts wings and floats up to heaven, pooping rainbows as he goes, leaving an inconsolable child kicking and screaming on the ground.

~ Preferred Habitat: Society weddings, French châteaus, high class cocktail parties.

~ Dietary Preferences: Candy floss.

~ Susceptible to: Delusions of grandeur, fondness for My Little Pony.